behind the scenes.

so yesterday started off.... let's just say.... not on the right foot.

i guess it kind of carried over from sunday night. lewie was not at all interested in slumber.... we watched the grammys to pass the time.... lewie seemed to be enjoying the grammys. he must have been, because he did NOT want to go to sleep. there comes that breaking point for a parent, when the child, is fed, burped, changed, tired, fussing and you just can't rock them or cuddle them while they proceed to try to climb up your stomach (which by the way, just to happens to nicely remind you that you haven't been to the gym in quite some time).... nothing like a nice little friendly reminder that you are still carrying around the baby weight. thanks lew!

all the rocking, and kissing and singing and patting the back.... he was going for none of it.... bummer. because there were a few points during the whole rocking and patting that my eyes would roll back into my head and were practically BEGGING me to stay there.... "please ashley, close us and let us stay closed for like 8 hours." (well yeah, not so much. it's more like 4 hours, but whatever. who's counting?)

lewie really wasn't being entirely bratty. he dozed off for a little bit and woke up all bright eyed and ready to rock. he was laughing, when i'd tell him that he needed to be sleeping. that would make lewie laugh (hysterically).... once lewie was laughing, jason started cracking up. then lewie would laugh harder. jason laughed harder. i was trying to be mad, but then i'd start laughing too, and then lewie would laugh and jason would laugh, and i just couldn't be mad. even though i wanted to be mad at both of them for being brats while i was soooo tired, i couldn't be.... ugh.... but i wanted to be....

anyway.... like i was saying, there comes that breaking point where it's "to the crib you go, bud!" i feared taylor would wake up, but i feared losing my sanity more, so he went to bed.... and fussed a little bit, but after a few "plug-the-binky-back-in-his-face" episodes, he was asleep. THANKFULLY! so jason and i get into bed around MIDNIGHT! mind you, that's about 4 hours later than we normally do.... so i'm burnt.... beyond burnt....

so just a few short hours of sleep, alarm goes off. time for jason to go to work. time for me to try to get some sleep, but once the alarm goes off, i'm awake on and off all morning.... can't really get any decent sleep. i'm worried taylor will oversleep, or lewie's going to wake up at any time.... so eventually i'm awake for good, but DREAD the thought of getting out of bed.... it's monday morning.... i need to go back to my dr first thing this morning, but totally forgot to make an appt on friday (my last visit). how did i forget?! ugh whatever, that was enough to jolt me out of bed and into the tub, to bathe of course since i still can't shower yet.... by the way, i am not a fan of baths.... in fact, i really don't like them much at all..... i can't wait until i can shower again! so bath for me.... while taylor is lagging to get ready, which by the way, i take full blame for, being that i get ready pretty slow too (when i'm not rushing out the door for something that i'm running late for).... the girl has no concept for, nor does she even CARE to UNDERSTAND the concept of, time.... she doesn't care if she's late. it means nothing to her.... how did i allow this to happen? it's all my fault, i know, but there aren't ever any repercussions (sp?) .... why would she care?

i'm so upset and flustered at this point once i realize the clock says 737 am, and her school starts at 745, which by the way takes about 10 minutes to get there... there was NO way she was going to make it on time.... i was SO upset.... and there she was, NOT getting ready, but messing around in the bathroom.... folding things, and wiping things and just taking her dear sweet time. bless her heart, she wanted to help, but DON'T HELP WHEN I TELL YOU TO GET READY TO WALK OUT THE DOOR!!!! folding and wiping doesn't get you out the door.... well, it might, but it'll get you out the door LATE!

so i feel like i'm reaching another breaking point.... HOW can i get her to understand that she MUST be on time? HOW or WHEN do you begin teaching a child that you aren't there to do everything in the world for them? granted, she is 7 years old, but doesn't it just get harder on them the older they get? the more you do for them, the harder it will be to stop doing things for them, right? i think that is how it will be.... heck, i'm 26 years old and still run to my mom for things i know she can help me with.... she rescues me when i need to be rescued.... i'm not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing.... good for me (at the time) but bad for me (really?) i don't know.... i haven't figured it out yet.... but i am sure more appreciative than i can ever show.... for sure.

sooo.... i try explaining to taylor, again, because i just did the other day, that a parent's job is to teach their children to be successful without them.... teach them to tie their shoes, to pick up after themselves, teach them manners, teach them to read and write, and to be INDEPENDENT!!!! i don't know how else to stress the importance of time to taylor.... i can do everything for her and she'll be ready on time.... but what does that teach her? that i'll always be there to wipe her butt and get the job done... no! that's not what i want to teach her.... instead i'd rather teach her to plan her time better.... (who am i kidding? i need my own teacher to teach me how to plan MY time better).... but i can still try this with her right? so maybe instead of getting up at 6 am, she needs to get up at 545.... maybe that extra 15 minutes will give her the added time she needs.... otherwise, she needs to pick it up a notch and get ready ON TIME!!!

so anyway, needless to say, Taylor gets to school, a few minutes late, but she's there none the less. I walked her into the office for a late slip, just because i could feel the butterflies in her stomach of having to walk in to her classroom late.... while everyone else is probably already seated. I didn't want her teacher to think that i just dumped her off at school nearly 8 minutes late and just left her to go to class.... LATE.... so anyway, getting the late pass wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. I immediately felt like IIIII was late for school. what excuse could i use?

"her brother threw up all over everything right as we were walking out the door..."

nooo, that didn't sound good enough.

"there was traffic on the way."

laaaaaaame!

"our car broke down, and we walked the rest of the way."

pssssh!

"we.... couldn't find the keys...."

oh heck! why was i trying to make up excuses? all that would do was teach taylor to lie....

so we walked in to the office and, of course, it's her principal who is at the front desk.

"good morning. we are late this morning."

and to my surprise, Mrs Principal says, "awww okay. just fill this slip out."

really?

that's it?

you're not even gonna ask why?

SWEEEEET! cuz i was prepared to just say "we were just running late."

but i didn't have to.

phewf!

so off to class she went.

I'm checking the clock in the truck to see when it's a little after 8 so i can call my dr's office and try to squeeze in there before i have to go to my dentist appt at 1030, which by the way was in the complete opposite direction.

so i get an appointment, almost immediately, but still have enough time to grab a starbucks and run home for the stroller.... as i'm driving home from starbucks to get the stroller, I decide to take a slightly different route, thinking that it will get me there quicker....

i go to make a left hand turn and BAM! traffic stops. all the traffic merges into ONE lane, while they are "preparing" to gut the street and lay some new asphalt or whatever they were going to do.... i couldn't help but to see about 16 trucks parked along the side of the street and all the men standing outside the trucks just STANDING THERE!!!! they were just socializing, laughing, waving their arms around as if they were telling a really exciting story about the weekend and watching the pro-bowl and how crazy their wives were.... or whatever they were really talking about.... part of me felt sooo irritated that alllll these lanes were blocked off while NO WORK was actually taking place, but there were a few lanes for these guys to mingle and tell stories about whatever.... then the other, less selfish side of me thought, "at least they're happy. they could be standing there with their arms crossed, hating life... but then in that case, they'd be more like me, which at this point, i wouldn't have wished upon anyone else." well maybe i would have, just so i didn't have to be miserable alone. no not really. so i keep staring at the clock.... why did it feel like minutes were passing, but i wasn't moving but maybe an inch every few minutes.... i felt like i was literally going to be on that same street by the time my appointment came and went..... but, thankfully a few minutes later, I was in my driveway and getting the stroller and heading to the dr's office.

i get there, sign in and sit down..... and i smell something. it smells like.... *sniff sniff* POOP! greaaaaaattttt!!!! Lewie just pooped. "Ashley King." they called me back. sorry Lew. poop's gotta wait. so we're in the room, dr comes in and pulls out the old packing, and decides he still has to repack it again.... repacks it. Lewie's fussing.... his assistsnt (which is an entirely different person than the girl who has been helping us the past few weeks), comes in a while later to help "wrap" up the incision. she had absolutely NO idea what she was doing... i told her the supplies we use to wrap it. told her exactly what we used and how we did it. she leaves the room (for the 2nd time, mind you) and STILL comes back with the wrong supplies. i tell her AGAIN what we use and decided to wait until she came back with the CORRECT supplies before i'd tell her how we wrapped it. maybe then, she'd at least get the supplies right. so she comes back, (still not the right stuff) but i don't even care at this point. i'll MAKE those supplies work!!!! i begin getting the stuff ready to put on myself, and she tries to help. but starts putting the wrap OVER my bra strap and tanktop after i REPEATEDLY told her that it must go UNDER them, otherwise i'd be stuck in my clothes.... so she SERIOUSLY tapes me up after having "trapped" me in my own clothes when i ask her to just cut it all off.... i said "just give me the supplies and i'll have my husband help me tonight." i'm not even joking, she put about TEN pieces of tape onto the gauze AFTER i told her how sensitive my skin was.... the dr comes in and tells her that i can't have that much tape on me, and to look at how red my skin was already becoming.... doh! i wanted to just leave. i seriously taped whatever wannabe gauze pads she brought in under my arm and left. (and i'm usually pretty patient, but could feel it slipping through my hands like grains of sand.... yes, seriously.)

UGH!

so i leave there and head over to the dentist as now my appt is approaching.... i am driving down the freeway, when i suddenly realize the directions i have didn't tell me how to get to the place once i get off the freeway. the last of the directions just told me to "continue on the I-5 south" that's it. really?! what kind of directions are those? so i try calling the dentist office once..... twice.... three times.... got the voicemail all three times.... i got off the freeway and looked at the building numbers and figured i'd go in the direction that was closer to the numbers i needed. that oughta get me there.... and sure enough, after cutting over 2 lanes and at the very last minute, i'd arrived at my final destination.... the dentist.... i got lewie (who was sleeping by the way) into his stroller and headed for the door... only, there wasn't a door. there were about 20 steps and no handicapped or disabled ramp that i could see.... WHAT?! i briefly thought about turning his stroller around and going up the steps backwards, a step at a time, but figured it would take me far too long, and quickly decided against that BRILLIANT idea. there HAD to be a stupid ramp somewhere, so i walked all the way around the building and finally found a (stupid) ramp. got into the office (cramped and HOT) and the lady says, "you must be ashley king. we tried calling you because the insurance number we have written down is an invalid number. there is an incorrect amount of digits given to us." i said "well whatever number i gave you should have worked, because it worked for my daughter's dentist. let's make sure our numbers match." of course they didn't. whoever wrote the number down, wrote an extra number down, and therefore they weren't able to verify the insurance and they didn't know how much it was going to cost and so they had to do all this verification before i'd even step foot into the x-ray chair. i was NOT going to pay for those xrays out of pocket. sorry! not me! it was actually verified rather quickly and i was getting the xrays done before i knew it. they did "full mouth" xrays and gagged me for about 15 minutes.... seriously took like 20 pictures. i asked "are my teeth falling out or something?" she laughed and said "noooo... not at all." i said "then why all the xrays?" i guess that's standard, but i can't ever remember "standard" being 15 minutes of stinkin, gagging xrays. i was at the dentist's office for 2 hours when i finally said, "okay. i'm done for today." i've never tapped out at a dentist, but today.... today i did.... everything seemed to be moving in slow motion except for lewie and my mind.... lewie was fussy and had pooped again. i could smell it. he was fussy, and antsy and well the dentist just wasn't too thrilled to have a fussy baby there. he looked so irritated. i said, "i'll just come back another time to have it finished. my jaw is locked sideways and i can't hold it open anymore." my wisdom teeth NEED to come out and they NEED to come out like PRONTO.... great!!! another school setback.... that's all i need. 3 of the 4 have to come out. the 4th is small enough that they think it's fine if it stays, but we'll see what the oral surgeon thinks. soooo i'm going for that on thursday.... (the consult, not the actual surgery) the dentist thinks that i need to have my wisdom teeth out before i finish having my teeth cleaned, because they were the reason my jaw was bothering me.

so out will come the wisdom teeth, clean the rest and then fill the cavities. yes, i have cavities by the way. that was the other wonderful news i had yesterday. i could go ahead and thank my wisdom teeth for those suckers.... so THANKS wisdom teeth.... dentist said there's no decay, but the wisdom teeth NEEDED to come out. i think i got it the first time. i think i actually got the point when the wisdom teeth flared up and hurt like heck!!! but mental note saved. thanks dr dentist.

i left.

miserably, i left.

i haven't had cavities since i was a little kid. i felt like a little kid all over again.

so as i'm driving home, i feel a big wave of emotions come over me....

suddenly i hate everything about my life and it just felt like the end of the world....

poor jason....

yep. he caught the backlash of all that....

i send him a text message and he calls me and i'm crying, and he feels helpless and we needed to get a plan together for me, like immediately, because it felt that urgent....

and could it have waited?

.....

maybe....

but likely not....

i told him, there wasn't anything he could fix, even though i know he wanted to.... he couldn't....

i needed a plan and i just wanted him to stand by me through my plan....

taking the online classes is enjoyable for me, but i hardly have the time to do the required work and studying that is necessary to complete the courses....

pity party of 1 please....

suddenly, everything was the end of the world.

i was a horrible parent.

i was fat.

i was blind.

i should just get dentures.

and probably even be euthanized....

it was that bad....

a few hours later,

it wasn't that bad....

there was a list of things i wanted.... but the euthanization wasn't one of them....

i wondered, if jason really knew what a day of staying at home was really like....

behind the scenes.... does anyone know what it's REALLY like staying at home?

maybe it's just me....

maybe it's just me and my hating to be stagnant for too long....

change was needed.

change IS needed.

speaking of change.....