flight line and teardrops. (originally written on august 14th, 2008)

flight line and teardrops....
rain in the summer.

cars, like ants, we drove on base.
seemingly knew to flock to the same area....
"the food" (for ants), i suppose....
is where we all parked....

herds of families walked in together....
children, children.
so many children.
so many wives.
and hearts.
and welcome home signs....
the ushers at the entrance passing out tiny american flags.
and red, white and blue pom poms....
all for us to cheer our marines in....
to welcome them home....

i kept my shades over my eyes....

we shuffled in and sat in the large room....
a large television overhead and seats everywhere....
vending machines.
tables covered in playdoh for the kids....
and a snack room....
with snacks and drinks covering the tables for anyone who cared to munch.
not i.
i sat uneasy.

i looked around this large room....
everyone here for the same reason as i.
to welcome someone home.
what about the ones who weren't here today?
what about the ones who SHOULD have been here today,
but weren't.....
what about them?
where were they?
what were THEY doing?
it hurt....

this is REALITY....
Man, this is our reality.
this is real life....
and just another normal day in the life of the military....

another group of our men and women coming home....
after being gone for MONTHS!!!!

this blonde woman in a knee length black dress talks over the speaker....
"your marines are about 30 minutes away. i will get on here and let you know when they are about 15 minutes away, and at that time, you will be allowed to head out to the flight line and wait for your marine."

....

.... no more than about 7 minutes passed, and she was back.
that blonde in the black dress....

"your marines are about 10 minutes away now. you may head outside to the flight line and wait for their arrival.... CON-GRAT-U-LA-TIONS!!!! You did it!!!!"

man!....
man oh man oh man oh man.....
this is INSAAAAANE!

we all walk out to the flight line.
there are red tents for those who would like to avoid the sun.

and there.
there was the marine corps band.
they are quite a musical group.
i mean, really.
all it took was one song.
no, wait.
just the beginning of one song, to bring tears to my eyes....
the played to the left,
as everyone gathered at the flight line....
what an INTENSE feeling....
on the ground....
a bunch of men and women walking around....
you felt like you were a part of top gun.
the rumbling of the ground....
the vibrations in your chest,
as the planes and jets roared their engines and flew outta there....
what an AMAZING view....
a fantastic one....

but where was OUR jet....
the one that held OUR marines?
the crowd of people searched the skies....
and off to the left.
up in the clouds.
there was a tiny white light....
the front of their plane coming in....
and the light got bigger....
and closer....
and lower.....

and the sound of the jet got louder.
and louder.
and closer.
and this HUUUGE oversized jet
FINALLY
touched down....
speeding past us....
and off to the right....

about 5 minutes later, it comes taxiing back.
and rests to the right....
the stairs are pushed against the plane....
and within a few moments,
the door slides up....
this jet is a BEAST!!!!
it's HUUUUGE!

at this point Taylor is crying uncontrollably!!!!
holy cow.
my right arm is shaking from holding her weight for so long.
I want to put her down, but she can't see if i do...
she's clenching me sooo tightly....
her nerves, probably so much greater than mine....
and mine were stomach turning on a 135 pounder.
i can only imagine what hers were like on a little 55 pounder....
but i tell you this....
when her tears fell....
so did mine....
and when her heart ached....
so did mine....
(it's amazing how that works when you become a parent.....
never before have i been so directly affected by someone else...
but HER.... HER heart is directly attached to mine, i tell you....)

minutes pass, and here they come....
OUR MARINES....
piling off the plane!
i couldn't see Jason, but I knew he was there...
I saw marine after marine....
and so started the tears.....
those men and women,
touching U.S. ground again....
Welcome Home troops....
Welcome Home....

and they hand in their weapon....
and sign in for their rooms.
get their room key....
and wait for their bags.....
their bags that are brought in on this HUGE truck....
green bags just PILED on this truck.
to us.... that's what it looks like.... a bunch of green bags....
but to our troops, these bags are their lives for these past months....
their lives were stuffed into these "green bags."

and like clockwork, all these men, lined up....
shoulder to shoulder.... starting from the back of the truck.
and handed these bags down this file of strong men....
none of them seeming to become tired....
sweat dripping off of every single one of them,
but not one of them slowing down....
the bags made it down the file to the very last man, where he would drop the bag
in no particular order or sequence....
and finally about 15 minutes later all of these hundreds of bags
made up rows and rows of our soldiers lives....

i stood in the middle of all the passing marines,
looking down at their boots....
there was still sand in them....
there was still sand from iraq in their boots....
our troops are home,
but just hours before, stood on war grounds....
it made me overcome with such a wide range of emotions....
a part of me overjoyed they were home safely...
another part of me soooooo disturbed that they were even there to begin with....

one of the marines loud voice, yells over the crowds "LISTEN UP MARINES!!!! DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

I quickly looked up....
and around....
if someone needed transportation to the barracks,
that meant they probably didn't have anyone waiting for them when they arrived.
I looked around....

His voice asked again, "DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

He paused.
once more, "TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS? ANYONE?"

No one seemed to need transportation at that time....
I exhaled....
to me that meant everyone had somebody....

He smiled....
as did i....

about 5 minutes later, I heard a young man say to another, "where can I get a ride to the barracks?"

I quickly turned around and there was a tall sandy blonde haired gentleman with round glasses on, standing alone holding his pack on his back, and that "green bag" over his shoulder and a black briefcase looking bag in his other hand....

I turned and said, "Thank you for what you've done. I am glad you're home safely.... Welcome Home!!!!"

I just wanted to hug him....
but you don't know what to do.....
you don't know how they are feeling emotionally.
you know?
i found this same exact feeling when I worked in the hospital....
when i'd meet a cancer patient for the very first time....
what do you say to them, you know?
how do you act towards them?
how are THEY feeling?
do you say you are sorry?
what if they aren't sorry?
what if you offend them by saying you're sorry?
i didn't want to make it any more awkward than it already was....
and so i just touched his arm and said, "welcome home," again.....

all the while,
my shades never left my nose...
because if they did....
these brave brave troops would see how incredibly weak i really was....
tears unable to stop pouring from my eyes as i walked this flight line....
To see Taylor in Jason's arms was incredible.
It really was.....

but my heart didn't stop there.....
there were so many others as well....
so many reunions....
husbands.
wives.
children.
parents.
newborns.
aunts.
uncles.
grandparents.
godparents....
boyfriends.
girlfriends.
brothers.
sisters.
friends.
fellow troops.
it goes on.
and on.
and on.
and i was just here.....

just another ant....
on another normal day.
in the life of the military.....
wishing i could do more.
say more.
give more.

and yet, all i could do,
was walk this FLIGHT LINE....
with my American Flag.
Pom poms.
AND TEARDROPS.....

Welcoming Home our brave men and women....

29 reasons why i am in love with my husband.

because he includes Taylor in everything and lets her do things I probably wouldn't.....

because he's got to be the coolest easter egg dyer around....

and taylor adores him. (and so do i)

because he's a gangster. ha!
because he has my kiss tattooed on him. =)
because he looks AMAZING all dressed up....
for the feelings this picture brings me.... the best day of my life, marrying him!!!
because he is an amazing kisser.

because he went to high school musical on ice with us and sat in the first row, and chased me around with taylor and him yelling "WE'RE WITH THAT LADY RIGHT THERE!!! THE ONE IN THOSE JEANS AND THAT SHIRT WALKING FAST TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM US!!!!!", through that megaphone he's holding....
because he toasts apple cider with us on new years eve.... no big parties.... just the 3 of us at home for our first new years together....
because i never thought i'd want another child again in my life, until him.... and then our first little boy came along. this was Lewie's very first picture at 9 weeks and 6 days. jason and i couldn't stop looking at this picture.
because he's so much fun in the snow. (him and Tiki sliding down the hill on a disc)
because he is SO fun to be around, and can make me laugh at any moment and like no other human being on this planet!!!

because he is just SO incredibly handsome!!!
because of moments like these....
because even when i was as big as a hippo, he still loved me and told me i was beautiful and doing a great job, everyday....
because he pushed me around in a wheelchair with balloons in his pocket on the 4th of july so i could be part of the street parade too. =) (and he let me stuff my face with icees)
because only HE would keep his hat on while i had surgery.
because this was the view from my hospital bed when Lewie was born.... it makes me smile everytime. =)
because he is such a loving man....
because he takes one for the team....
because of images like these....
because he helps me give up control and lets taylor be a kid.... and get dirty... when i'd probably be freaking out right about now.
and then when i give up control, he makes me see the wonderful results.... like taylor's incredible pumpkin. =)
because he gives me beautiful flowers for no particular reason at all.
because this picture makes me smile.... it's a feeling of completeness that i've never ever felt before....
because he's fun and playful....
because he's incredibly thoughtful....

because who else would have a hydration center on their side of the bed for me to pick up after.... constantly....

because he's beautiful every... single.... moment, and he doesn't even know it....
because he is my very best friend in the whole wide world and i give thanks every single day, especially today.... 29 years ago he was born....

Happy Birthday my love.

I love you more than I will ever be able to show you in my lifetime....

to all you "Haiters...." Part 2. (read the original one first)

DO YOU THINK THESE PEOPLE REALLY DON'T NEED OUR HELP?!

Go google "earthquake in haiti images"....

so maybe i didn't get my point across the first time.

but after reading people's ignorant and thoughtless comments and posts about how "shameful" it is that America is helping Haiti in their time of need, I felt compelled to write about this again....

so, i apologize in advance for offending anyone, but maybe you should give it a shot and think it through a little more before jumping the gun and agreeing with such a RACIST and SELFISH comment.

one post said this:

Shame on you America--the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations. 99% of people won't have the guts to copy and repost this

i mean REALLY??!! come on!!!! This may sound good on paper, and at a quick glance, it may even sound like something worth agreeing with.... until you actually put a little bit of thought into it.

have you ever sat at an "admitting" desk in a hospital? or tried reading any of the signs posted in a hospital? there are RIGHTS that WE as AMERICANS have.... we will NOT be turned away from ANY hospital because of insurance or lack there of. if a homeless person walks into a hospital, complaining of pain, it is OUR DUTY and OBLIGATION as an AMERICAN to tend to this "patient," this HUMAN BEING, for their pain (whether self-induced, imaginary, or even if they are a drug seeking patient) we are OBLIGATED to assess and tend to their needs and health. NO SINGLE HUMAN BEING deserves to suffer through ANYTHING!!!! If you've read my previous blogs ("lumpy love" to be more specific), you'll know that I stand behind my belief 150%, to the point that i will put my cheek to a homeless man's cheek and hold his hand while he passes away.... NO ONE, deserves to suffer and NO ONE deserves to suffer ALONE!

Americans forget that we have resources unlike any other country.... Haiti being one of the least fortunate countries on this planet!!! the people in Haiti didn't ask for this horrible earthquake, nor did they have any control over the happenings.... They are doing everything in their power to help each other. We have husbands and wives of AMERICANS who are over there (AWAY from their families, mind you), putting themselves in DANGER to save these people's lives... they are pulling them out of collapsed buildings, aiding to them, the exact same way they aid to our people here in America.

You know, the really terribly sad thing is that so many people here in America are in the position they are in because of a series of poor personal choices!!! They have chosen drugs and sex and prostitution over anything else, and that is why they are exactly where they are. MIND YOU, i KNOW there are many people who cannot help the position they are in, but WE HAVE THE RESOURCES HERE FOR THEM!!!! HAITI DOES NOT!!!! WHY do you think welfare was created? It was created to assist people and getting them back on their feet. Do you think that at 19, I wanted or planned to be a single mother?! Well guess, what?! I didn't!!! Do you think I stepped FOOT into looking into getting welfare? NO! and why not?! because of it's horrible reputation. instead i went back to work when Taylor was 5 and a half weeks old, so that I wouldn't have to "collect welfare." Many Americans lack ACCOUNTABILITY and RESPONSIBILITY.... we probably have more excuses than ANYONE else in any other country....

Have you watched the news? It sickens me and saddens me and fills me with joy all at the same time. There are still people out there who are grateful for the things they have. Have you watched those Haitians jump for joy with their arms in the air when someone is pulled out of the debri? Glory be to God and our people for helping those less fortunate!!!! Glory be to God that there are still people out there who want to be a part of something bigger than themselves and give when and where they can give!!!

These people sure are quick to shame America for assisting other countries.... for giving selflessly, and helping WHEN THAT IS WHAT WE ALL SHOULD DO!!!! I wonder what they're doing to assist ANYONE for that matter.... not just the Haitians, but those people who go to bed hungry, those homeless, elderly and mentally ill people they speak of....

So instead of bashing America for doing everything in their power to HELP another country BECAUSE WE CAN, why don't you stand PROUD to be a part of a country who is not nearly as selfish as yourself....

to all you "Haiters...."

so the NP (nurse practitioner) who saw me on Tuesday night was off to Haiti in just an HOUR after she finished taking care of me. she was leaving in just ONE hour!!!! she was off to Haiti to help in the aid of those poor, poor people who have nothing after that horrible tragedy.

this is one of those topics that people will and DO disagree with and fight about and argue about and have very mixed feelings about.... oh well. here i go anyway....

so, i am a strong believer, that when you CAN help, you should. as long as you are not overgiving and not taking care of yourself in the meantime.... do not let someone take advantage of you, but give when you can.

many people feel that "we have people here who need help, and yet others are still flying to haiti to help other countries.... why not help our people first?"

that sounds reasonable enough.... but do you look or think or feel any further than that "surfaced," or "generalized," statement? i mean come on!!!! Yes, there are many people here who could probably benefit very much from some assistance, but there are also very many of them who have the aid possible.... any person can walk into a hospital and cannot be denied treatment... we HAVE the treatment here and it's readily available!!!

a lot of our homeless society is due to a lot of terrible personal choices and decisions.... drug addictions mainly, but there are very many others, and a lot of people truly cannot help their status. the mental capacity and ability to further themselves just isn't where it needs to be. maybe they were born that way.... and although i am a terribly compassionate person, i find it extremely difficult to feel sorry for the people who have HAD the opportunity to do something with themselves, go through rehab, quit drugs, attend free therapy sessions, things like that, and they STILL choose the drugs.... they have no money for clothes, or food, but boy do they find a way to find money for drugs or booze.... it's a matter of what is important in your life.... life is all about the decisions you make and many are so far gone, they only do what they know....

what an ACCOUNTABILITY issue!!! everyone wants to point the blame elsewhere for the poor decisions they have made.

"oh it's because my mother did this."

"it's because my father abandoned me."

"it's because my parents did drugs."

"i was molested."

"so and so did this" and

"so and so did that."

"i have a disorder that causes me to need drugs,"

"or sex,"

"or love,"

or whatever the heck it is.... THOSE THINGS MAY BE TRUE.... THOSE UNFORTUNATE, EXTREMELY UNFORTUNATE mishappenings may have reallllly happened to you, and for that i am EXTREMELY sorry for that!!!! i am!!!! but when do people hold themselves accountable for the wrong decisions they have made? huh? when do people stop and say, "yes, those horrible horrible things have happened to me, but i don't want them to consume me and i don't want my life to continue in that direction. I AM RESPONSIBLE for the decisions i make?" does anyone say that?? i don't know! Here in America, we have the hospitals nearly everywhere!!! we have doctors. we have bloodbanks. we have surgical rooms, instruments and supplies. does Haiti? do other 3rd world countries have those? no... NO they don't!!!!

a drug seeking bum can walk into a hospital with NO insurance and complain of horrible pain, sign a paper saying he will pay for his care, and be given all the "drugs" needed to get him through a withdrawal, or give him a warm bed to sleep in for the night. or a place to shower.... you see, we, in America have that chance.... we are THAT fortunate.... so when these doctors and nurses pay for the instruments and things to be shipped (including themselves), over to Haiti to help those poor helpless Haitians, we need to re-think a lot of things....

YES, (agreed) our society is in a horrible recession/position right now. MANY people have lost their homes, and it's a very unfortunate thing. could any of this have been prevented? people, we must look at living within our means.... instead of always going above and beyond.... so many people thought that because they could be approved for such a high loan amount that they could "afford" it rather than thinking about "what might happen if i lost their job? do i have any savings as a back up? what happens if this 'variable' loan interest rate goes up? what happens then?" i'm not entirely up to date and caught up with all the terms and topics and i surely don't know a whole lot about politics and all that (no matter how hard i try to follow, i still come up short) but i do know one thing.... it saddens me that some people can be SO selfish in saying that we have people here who need help. it's true. we do have people here who may very well need help. but there is so much more help available to people who are in the US than anywhere else....

when i worked in the hospital, do you know how many women/children would come over from mexico JUST before giving birth, because they KNEW they could deliver here? they wanted their child to have a much better chance than they would anywhere else.... people know that.... and that is why they come here.... i'm not being a racist or prejudice. i am sharing the information i, myself, was told by many of women who came through the hospital....

so to my nurse practitioner, who finished slicing and dicing under my arm, i commend you, and everyone you recruited to go with you to help something WAY bigger than yourself.... for facing something you had no idea what you were going to be facing, but using your money and your talent and putting it towards a wonderful cause.... just because they don't have it, doesn't mean they should go without it.... No one, NO ONE, deserves to suffer.... not a homeless person, not a Haitian.... especially not when someone, (maybe even YOU) could do something to help....

.... that's all i have to say about that....

lumpy love.

so.

jason thinks that i think too "morbidly" sometimes....

i am not entirely sure what ever sparked my thinking like this.

i try to go back as far as i can remember having my first thoughts of death and dying and being scared about medical things, and i think my earliest memory was when i was walking in a kmart or a store similar to that, with my father.

he had had a heart attack some time before that, and i remember him telling me that "you know, once you have one heart attack, you're likely to have another one, and you usually don't live through the second one." now, i'm not entirely sure if that was a guilt trip or what the intention was at the time, but whatever it was meant to do, it scared the ba-jeebies out of me.... and i never forgot it...

when i got older and worked in the hospital in oncology (with cancer patients), this fear only grew.... i mean, i LOVED my work, because i helped my patients daily.... it was an amazing job to have.... and i was amazingly blessed to be the one at many people's sides while they passed. i mean, not that i ENJOYED being there, but if i wasn't, i'm not sure who would have been.

one of my patients was a homeless guy. he was a DNR (do not resusitate, (sp?)).... anyway, the nurses called him a "drugseeking patient," and before i'd gone in there, i felt like "oh gosh, this guy just wants drugs.... and then, i saw him.... he couldn't sit still.... he was all over the place, and clearly uncomfortable.... he couldn't lie still. well i worked the next day, and he was my patient again, only this time i was a sitter for him. sitter, being that you just sit and watch them all day for one of many possible reasons. (reasons being: they are a suicidal patient, they are likely to fall and keep attempting to get out of bed, they are having seizures continuously, they are ripping their IV or pulse ox machine off.... whatever the reason, there are many of them.)

so i watched him because he kept pulling on his IV and he kept trying to get out of bed. i was actually a sitter for 2 men this day. i sat in the middle of them both, one was trying to pull off his pulse ox (for those of you who don't know what that is, that's the little machine with the red dot that goes on your fingertip. what it does is it measures the oxygen in your fingertips, which ultimately tells them how much oxygen is getting to your extremities. when this number drops, actions need to be taken), and the other was trying to get out of bed and rip his IV out, but really wasn't too alert to realize what he was doing... he was just mumbling and doing the actions, without even really knowing what he was doing. it was terrible.

so my right, i had this BIG, STRONG man with a LOUD dinging machine (when the pulse ox was off of his finger) and then a smaller, frail man who kept trying to climb out. it was so difficult at times when they were both in action, that i remember looking up at the clock multiple times and thinking how grateful i would be when this day was over.... this poor man. he was soooo antsy.... wasn't there anything in the world they could do for him? he kept saying, "sir, help me." (he was out of it and his eyes were closed) and he would be pulling himself up and i'd say, in a soft voice, "I'm right here. I need you to lie back down for me, okay?" and he'd say, "sorry sir. it hurts sir. please help me ma'am." and he'd hold onto my right arm with his left hand. and he'd lie still for a few moments and i'd cover him up with the sheet, and think he was settled, and right when i'd go to sit down, he'd repeat the same cycle.... ohhh it broke my heart.... i'd wished there was something i could have done for him. HE HAD CANCER IN EVERY PART OF HIS BODY!!!! It was in his back, in his bones, EVERYWHERE!!!! how could anyone stand to watch this man suffer like this, and yet still call him a "drugseeking patient!" i'd be drugseeking too, if i were in that much pain!!!!

anyway, i had this fellow the very next day.... again.... only this day, he was content. he was nearly out of it. wasn't fighting to get out of bed anymore.... he just lie still most of the day. i wasn't his sitter, for he no longer needed one. nurse giving report said that he was likely to pass at some time today.... and that he was a DNR so I didn't need to take vitals anymore, not after the first batch.... my insides felt like, "how could you just give up on someone like that?" i mean, I KNOW he was sick, and i KNOW he wasn't going to make it, but can't you monitor his oxygen level? give him more if you could.... i don't know.... i battled this one for a while. i took his vitals anyway.... and they were horrible... i knew he wasn't going to last through my shift.... i checked on him frequently. made sure he had oxygen.... his vitals were slowly dropping, and i remember just taking a seat..... no one was there. i pulled up a chair and he rolled his head towards me.... he started pulling on my arm... his vitals started going nuts.... heartrate was elevating, and he was clearly in pain.... i remember leaning my face down to him and whispering in his ear.... "it's okay, i'm riight here," just as i had the day before.... i had my cheek pressed against his and i held onto his hand with my left hand and my right hand was on top of his head.... i remember the way he had looked. i remember cleaning him the very best i could every day.... i remember.... the moment my cheek was against his, and i whispered in his ear, him lying still and his heart rate slowly dropping.... it was almost as if you could FEEL the fear lift from him.... it made me sooo sad and yet so much better knowing that he wasn't alone.... i watched his chest rise and fall until it didn't rise again.... i remember staring at his chest, waiting for it to rise again.... and staring at his chest and staring at it.... thinking, "he's gonna breathe again...." it's unreal, watching someone pass.... like, how does one's body just stop? how can ANYONE let ANYONE die alone??? his "girlfriend" came by AFTER he passed and before i had gotten him ready to go to the morgue.... she acted a bit upset, but not much.... she looked like she was loaded and it just sickened me. i felt like, "where were you?!" but i didn't say a word....

there are so many patients that i've had, that i remember nearly everything about... i remember their names, first and last. i remember their look, i remember their personality, their diagnosis. i remember how long they stayed and i remember their families....

it can still turn my stomach at times, watching people battle illnesses.... people fighting JUST TO STAY ALIVE, and here we are fretting the small stuff in life.... complaining to your spouses about who works more, or who makes more money, or who takes care of the kids more.... it turns my stomach....

--------------------------

there's this lump in my armpit.

it started a few days ago.... and has, at minimum, doubled in size....

it hurts to move my right arm.

it hurts to put a shirt on, it hurts to wash.

it just hurts.

i'm sure it's just a swollen lymphnode or something, but it hurts.... and when i looked it up on the internet, it says, "If you are a woman experiencing this lump, CONTACT YOUR DR IMMEDIATELY, as this may also be a sign of breast cancer."

ohhh. nice.

especially nice considering my father passed away from cancer. his brother and sister both passed away from cancer. and he has one other sister who is still alive....

his father passed away from cancer, and all of his siblings, minus one that is still alive (7 or 8 siblings mind you) have all passed away from some type of cancer.

it's clear.

cancer runs on my dad's side....

like i said, i'm sure it's just a swollen lymphnode, i'm nearly certain, but i'm not entirely sure i'd ever forgive myself for dismissing something that could be fatal, knowing i knew my odds before hand.... if it were just me, i would probably say "it's a freakin swollen lymphnode... i'll wait til it goes away." buuuut... it's not just me... it's jason. it's taylor. it's lewie....

my aunt wanda, who passed away most recently of breast cancer, had known she had a lump for a year and a half and by then there was nothing they could do. it was everywhere. they tried, but it was just too far spread to even really help. she passed away after just a few short months of battling it.

so about that lump in my armpit, (that i'm sure is just a swollen lymphnode), it had me awake much of the night because it hurt so bad. all these thoughts started going through my head.... like, what if BAM dr's told me i had cancer? honestly, emotionally, i feel soooo incredibly drained, i'm not even sure i'd have the energy to keep fighting, but then YEAH RIGHT!!!! do you know who i am? i fight everything! i guess that was the attitude i was looking for.... i was thinking of how pathetic my insides sounded thinking that there just wasn't anything else i could fight right now.... that's not ME.... that was that pathetic little voice inside my head throwing a pity party.... cuz whatever it is, cyst, lymphnode.... whatever it is, i just want it to goooo away.... it hurts.

do i think i'm dying?

no.

do i think i have cancer?

no.

do i think i think too much?

yes.

duh.

will i call the dr?

yes.

today.

will i be okay?

i'm sure of it.

anyway, i guess where i was kind of going with this one was, that before you find yourself arguing over the small petty stuff that seems huge at the time, imagine if you were lying at the side of someone you love.... watching them fight to live.... what are those last minute words you'd cram in to say to them? what would you apologize for? would you kiss them and hug them and hold them? well, why don't you try apologizing for those things now... while they're still conscious.... why don't you kiss em, hold em, hug em now.... now, while you have the chance... why don't you let all the petty stuff go... and look at these moments you're given with them now.... they won't be there forever.... go ahead.... love on em.

.....i won't even tell em i told you to. ;)

Santa Pawpa....

my mom volunteers for an organization called "new beginnings" for animals.... she does kitty cuddling, originally starting on tuesdays for 2 hours.... slowly that became, tuesdays and thursdays for 2 hours each time.... sometimes she even picks up other "shifts" and covers people who leave town, or can't make it....

well recently, she volunteered for "Santa Paws" at the pet store (where she does the kitty cuddling).... she asked if we could all pitch in and help make this thing possible. they needed a photographer (tuety did a great job, thank you tuety).... she was going to help with the photos and collect the money.... and we.... well, we were just going to visit her.

so yesterday comes, and she and michelle go and take these pictures and do this great deed.... it goes great! they did a great job!

then today comes.... and they weren't going to have a santa paws claus.... somehow mom manages to talk poppa (now known as Pawpa) into being Santa at the pet store.... poppa really doesn't care for kids much (or so he tries to act like he doesn't like kids, but i think he secretly loves them.... probably as much as he loves rabbits in his bedroom).... (inside joke.... he's SUPER allergic).... anyway.... he goes WAY out of his comfort zone, and even buys his own mustache and beard (so he doesn't have to swap spit with the santas before him....)

i tossed around the idea of going in and taking our picture today, but quickly decided to do it as soon as i found out HE was Santa Paws.... (i didn't know until this morning).... needless to say, that since Jason had to go to work (and even if he didn't), we now have a wonderful picture with Santa Pawpa!

what a trooper Pawpa!!!! =)

anyway.... i guess where i was kind of going with this, was how wonderful a great marriage is.... where you leave your comfort zone and do things out of the norm.... things you wouldn't do on a normal day or for another soul on this planet.... (but you will for this one partner....) i know how much this organization means to mom and i know that poppa knows it too.... michelle (my sister) and i were just talking about how wonderful it is to see my mom light up about something.... she doesn't light up this way about much,.... and definitely not for humans.... but for ANIMALS?! now that's an entirely different story.... she works all these hours (well VOLUNTEERS her man time and hard work) for these animals to have a chance at having a good home.... would my stepdad do this on his own free time? no, i don't think so. he'd more likely spend his time capturing photos of strange people, or beautiful flowers, or see how close he could get to a hummingbird before it flies away.... but he sat in a HOT santa suit, sweating his brains out, with animals (and kids) because he loves my mom....

now THAT is a wonderful feeling....

folks, true love exists.... good, real, genuine love exists.... it's about compromise.... and bending out of your comfort zone. it's about snuggling a rabbit even if you're allergic.... okay, so not really.... but it's about being Santa Claus, when you'd much rather catch the sunday football game.... THAT'S what love is about.... it's about seeing mom's face light up when people come in to take their picture with their animals....

heck, i would have been santa for that..... =)

flight line and teardrops. (originally written on august 14th, 2008)

flight line and teardrops....
rain in the summer.

cars, like ants, we drove on base.
seemingly knew to flock to the same area....
"the food" (for ants), i suppose....
is where we all parked....

herds of families walked in together....
children, children.
so many children.
so many wives.
and hearts.
and welcome home signs....
the ushers at the entrance passing out tiny american flags.
and red, white and blue pom poms....
all for us to cheer our marines in....
to welcome them home....

i kept my shades over my eyes....

we shuffled in and sat in the large room....
a large television overhead and seats everywhere....
vending machines.
tables covered in playdoh for the kids....
and a snack room....
with snacks and drinks covering the tables for anyone who cared to munch.
not i.
i sat uneasy.

i looked around this large room....
everyone here for the same reason as i.
to welcome someone home.
what about the ones who weren't here today?
what about the ones who SHOULD have been here today,
but weren't.....
what about them?
where were they?
what were THEY doing?
it hurt....

this is REALITY....
Man, this is our reality.
this is real life....
and just another normal day in the life of the military....

another group of our men and women coming home....
after being gone for MONTHS!!!!

this blonde woman in a knee length black dress talks over the speaker....
"your marines are about 30 minutes away. i will get on here and let you know when they are about 15 minutes away, and at that time, you will be allowed to head out to the flight line and wait for your marine."

....

.... no more than about 7 minutes passed, and she was back.
that blonde in the black dress....

"your marines are about 10 minutes away now. you may head outside to the flight line and wait for their arrival.... CON-GRAT-U-LA-TIONS!!!! You did it!!!!"

man!....
man oh man oh man oh man.....
this is INSAAAAANE!

we all walk out to the flight line.
there are red tents for those who would like to avoid the sun.

and there.
there was the marine corps band.
they are quite a musical group.
i mean, really.
all it took was one song.
no, wait.
just the beginning of one song, to bring tears to my eyes....
the played to the left,
as everyone gathered at the flight line....
what an INTENSE feeling....
on the ground....
a bunch of men and women walking around....
you felt like you were a part of top gun.
the rumbling of the ground....
the vibrations in your chest,
as the planes and jets roared their engines and flew outta there....
what an AMAZING view....
a fantastic one....

but where was OUR jet....
the one that held OUR marines?
the crowd of people searched the skies....
and off to the left.
up in the clouds.
there was a tiny white light....
the front of their plane coming in....
and the light got bigger....
and closer....
and lower.....

and the sound of the jet got louder.
and louder.
and closer.
and this HUUUGE oversized jet
FINALLY
touched down....
speeding past us....
and off to the right....

about 5 minutes later, it comes taxiing back.
and rests to the right....
the stairs are pushed against the plane....
and within a few moments,
the door slides up....
this jet is a BEAST!!!!
it's HUUUUGE!

at this point Taylor is crying uncontrollably!!!!
holy cow.
my right arm is shaking from holding her weight for so long.
I want to put her down, but she can't see if i do...
she's clenching me sooo tightly....
her nerves, probably so much greater than mine....
and mine were stomach turning on a 135 pounder.
i can only imagine what hers were like on a little 55 pounder....
but i tell you this....
when her tears fell....
so did mine....
and when her heart ached....
so did mine....
(it's amazing how that works when you become a parent.....
never before have i been so directly affected by someone else...
but HER.... HER heart is directly attached to mine, i tell you....)

minutes pass, and here they come....
OUR MARINES....
piling off the plane!
i couldn't see Jason, but I knew he was there...
I saw marine after marine....
and so started the tears.....
those men and women,
touching U.S. ground again....
Welcome Home troops....
Welcome Home....

and they hand in their weapon....
and sign in for their rooms.
get their room key....
and wait for their bags.....
their bags that are brought in on this HUGE truck....
green bags just PILED on this truck.
to us.... that's what it looks like.... a bunch of green bags....
but to our troops, these bags are their lives for these past months....
their lives were stuffed into these "green bags."

and like clockwork, all these men, lined up....
shoulder to shoulder.... starting from the back of the truck.
and handed these bags down this file of strong men....
none of them seeming to become tired....
sweat dripping off of every single one of them,
but not one of them slowing down....
the bags made it down the file to the very last man, where he would drop the bag
in no particular order or sequence....
and finally about 15 minutes later all of these hundreds of bags
made up rows and rows of our soldiers lives....

i stood in the middle of all the passing marines,
looking down at their boots....
there was still sand in them....
there was still sand from iraq in their boots....
our troops are home,
but just hours before, stood on war grounds....
it made me overcome with such a wide range of emotions....
a part of me overjoyed they were home safely...
another part of me soooooo disturbed that they were even there to begin with....

one of the marines loud voice, yells over the crowds "LISTEN UP MARINES!!!! DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

I quickly looked up....
and around....
if someone needed transportation to the barracks,
that meant they probably didn't have anyone waiting for them when they arrived.
I looked around....

His voice asked again, "DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

He paused.
once more, "TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS? ANYONE?"

No one seemed to need transportation at that time....
I exhaled....
to me that meant everyone had somebody....

He smiled....
as did i....

about 5 minutes later, I heard a young man say to another, "where can I get a ride to the barracks?"

I quickly turned around and there was a tall sandy blonde haired gentleman with round glasses on, standing alone holding his pack on his back, and that "green bag" over his shoulder and a black briefcase looking bag in his other hand....

I turned and said, "Thank you for what you've done. I am glad you're home safely.... Welcome Home!!!!"

I just wanted to hug him....
but you don't know what to do.....
you don't know how they are feeling emotionally.
you know?
i found this same exact feeling when I worked in the hospital....
when i'd meet a cancer patient for the very first time....
what do you say to them, you know?
how do you act towards them?
how are THEY feeling?
do you say you are sorry?
what if they aren't sorry?
what if you offend them by saying you're sorry?
i didn't want to make it any more awkward than it already was....
and so i just touched his arm and said, "welcome home," again.....

all the while,
my shades never left my nose...
because if they did....
these brave brave troops would see how incredibly weak i really was....
tears unable to stop pouring from my eyes as i walked this flight line....
To see Taylor in Jason's arms was incredible.
It really was.....

but my heart didn't stop there.....
there were so many others as well....
so many reunions....
husbands.
wives.
children.
parents.
newborns.
aunts.
uncles.
grandparents.
godparents....
boyfriends.
girlfriends.
brothers.
sisters.
friends.
fellow troops.
it goes on.
and on.
and on.
and i was just here.....

just another ant....
on another normal day.
in the life of the military.....
wishing i could do more.
say more.
give more.

and yet, all i could do,
was walk this FLIGHT LINE....
with my American Flag.
Pom poms.
AND TEARDROPS.....

Welcoming Home our brave men and women....