I have slowly felt the spiral and thought to myself, no one, NO ONE, should have to live this way. No matter how evil or broken, no one should feel their heart whirl around like a tornado.... Almost like it's coming up your esophagus, ready to blow your head off.... That's sort of what it feels like inside.... The expectations go from minimum to great, allowing for far more disappointment. The letdowns feel more frequent and the "support" feels non existent, but only because the expectations are so great.
I've laughed in his face and asked him to hold me. I've done that before. Sometimes i'm not lovable or huggable or very inviting.... But when he asks, "what can i do to help you right now?" sometimes i just say, "just hold me." and the wonderful thing (most of the time) is that he will.... He does.... But not tonight. And tonight, holding me could have gone a long way. I didnt ask to be held.... Instead, i rolled over and threw my warm arms over his warm chest.... He was wrapped in blankets, and soon enough it was a big pile of too much warmth.... He was snoring already, but the fantasy didn't drift because he did. I'd envisioned rolling over, throwing my arm over him and him holding me even closer. He usually does, but not tonight.... I've somehow managed to dismiss most of my thoughts and opinions for a long time.... But it doesn't mean they disappear.... It just means i've rescheduled them for a later time, and well, being that i have terrible ADD, it seems as though i've done some poor planning and rescheduled everything for the exact. same. time. This only intensifies EVERYTHING. Every little feeling you felt feels big. And then you begin to examine your every thought, feeling, and heartache under a microscope. You try to identify it. Its place of origin. Its age, or how long its been around or how long it plans on staying around. You know, most if the time things are good.... In fact, most of the time they're great.... not to day that things aren't still great right now, i guess it just means i've slowly managed to fail to see the glory at this moment. When your thoughts and feelings race like shooting stars and your mind travels at the speed of light, you whip your head around for that "one...." You, almost in a panic, look for your "one." His name is Jason. He's my one... the one who can always see a circle when i see a box. The one who's at a 1.2 when i'm at a 12, ready to jump.... Jason's the laugh to my cry... The save to my spend.... He's the logic to my emotion.... The sunblock to my fair skin.... He's the calm to my storm.... When i talk to him, it's like putting my glasses on right out of bed.... Everything blurry, becomes clear.... The tragedy becomes a blessing or at least not so tragic.... It's wonderful, love is.