Thursday, October 29, 2009

Operation Pumpkin Delivery... a success!!!! =)

so we met Lisa (child life specialist) and Fran (volunteer) at Mission Hospital today to deliver the pumpkins and cards (thank you Mrs Highland's class). Because of the H1N1, we couldn't get onto the pediatric floor, which we already knew in advance. Lisa spent some time talking to Taylor and letting her know how greatly they appreciated this! It was great!

Here is Lisa, Taylor, Fran and the pumpkins! =)

Here is Taylor sad to say goodbye to our truck full of pumpkins.... 

Immediately, she began thinking of other ideas for the holidays to come.... 

It's great to be a part of something outside of your own lives.... to give a little.

Thank you to everyone who made this possible! 
Sharon, Toni, Mrs Highland, and Mom! =)

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!  

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

the truth is....

the truth is....
nothing on earth is perfect, but commitment is.
true commitment. 
permanent commitment is about as perfect as you will find here on earth....

i'd be lying if i said everything in my life is perfect.
it's not.
it's hard.
and we work at it every single day.
having two children is hard.
being a wife is even harder.
being out on disability from early on in my pregnancy, and a wife and a mom is probably the hardest....
the hardest i've had it in a long time.

there are very many things in this day and age that i have come to want to change.
i WANT to learn to cook more.
i WANT to be a lot more organized and not so scatter-brained.
i WANT to be a better mother, wife, person, and follower of God.
I want to be a better woman.
and so i work at it.

many men in this world are fixers. 
they're pleasers and they want to make their partner, girlfriend, wife, whatever.... happy!
they can do this for a while.... they can buy her things and talk sweet to her and do nice things, but it only goes so far if they aren't taking care of themselves as well.

i never thought i'd say this in my lifetime, but a happy husband makes for a happy wife and vice versa! VICE VERSA!!!!! it works both ways!  many women just want to make their husbands happy too! men aren't the only ones!!!!

If people would give this (alone) up, i think so many more people would be a heck of a lot happier.  you know the rule on the airplane, before you take off.... how the flight attendants tell you, "should we lose pressure in the cabin, and oxygen is needed, please put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others."  (or whatever it is exactly that they say).... the point is, is that if you lose consciousness, what good are you to help anyone else? right? i mean, it's common sense....  acts of kindness are great, when they are just that.... acts of kindness.... no expectations. no expected response, other than genuinely wanting to make the other person know that they are loved, respected, admired, appreciated, or whatever else your message or point is.  if the sole purpose is to "MAKE" the other person happy, you've missed the sincerity all together. 

i know this is probably coming out completely different (and probably even not making much sense) than it was in my head, but i am trying to make it make sense....

a woman should not hold a man responsible for her happiness.... she cannot lose herself in a relationship, or a friendship or a marriage. she should not lose herself.... EVER!  

and vice versa.... YES women, VICE VERSA!

a man cannot hold a woman responsible for his happiness.... he cannot lose himself in a relationship, friendship, or a marriage, or anything else.... he should not lose himself.... EVER!!!!

anyone who really knows me, knows that i've spent VERY little time AND/OR effort in the kitchen.... EVER! no matter who wanted me to do what, i didn't care. i wasn't getting in the kitchen for A-N-Y-O-N-E! (NOT EVEN MYSELF!) HATED the kitchen!!! it was honestly my enemy. anything i attempted, i pretty much failed (with the exception of brownies).... other than that, it was a complete failure....

now, more than ever, i actually try being in the kitchen, and cooking, and i TRY new recipes, and coming up with things that will go good together, rather than putting a meal together like i used to (IF i cooked). if i cooked, sometimes it was a quesadilla, and some good ol' grands biscuits and maybe a hot dog without a bun.... yeah those 3 things together would be a meal of mine.... whatever was in the fridge and fast and easy to make.... i was all over it.

there are a few different reasons i actually try more now.... 1. because it saves money and saving money is important to both jason and i. 2. because it's healthier (usually) than eating fast food all the time. 3. because i haven't been cleared to go back to work yet, and i am home all day, and try to find things that will make me feel better as a person. i want to find things that i will enjoy and also find things that will help me in the future.... just make me feel good. cooking for my family, and saving money at the same time.... that makes me feel good.

i've watched my stepmother over many MANY years and how much she cared for and nutured my father.... i've watched my mom and my stepfather together and although it is not my mom waiting on my stepfather the same way my stepmother nutured my father, it is a different sort of give and take.... my mom cooks now more than she probably ever has before, because she can. because she has the time and she enjoys it. she worked her bum off to raise us 3 girls with the lifestyle she gave us.... there are things i take from both types of relationships that i like and dislike. i like to watch other people and learn from their ways.... something i have learned from Sharon ( my stepmom), is to love the Lord.  i'm sure many of you out there are thinking "yeah yeah." i know! that was me at one point too!!! but loving Him, makes you a much better person inside.... you live with an entirely different purpose in life. to do good. to serve Him. to love your family. to help people when you can. you reach out. fellowship.... you have mercy on other people and rub out their sin rather than rub it in!!!! 

i never understood that! i would rub it in. i would nag. i would complain. (i still find myself complaining more than i'd like) but i've also learned to accept a lot more than i probably ever would even think about accepting before.... and by accepting i don't mean, "hurt me. continue to hurt me.... please." by accepting, i mean, "do i have control of that? no. how would i LIKE to react to that? what is my ultimate goal in this situation? in this lifetime? in this world?" my ultimate goal is to LOVE. it's to Love, to forgive, to spread His word, and His love and to impact the lives i am in.... i am to find what i am good at, and to do it.... 

the truth is, that marriage is not perfect. i'd be lying if i said it was. but neither is anything else. when you commit to someone and set the boundaries.... the absolute "not okays".... the bottom line.... when you BOTH set the bottom lines.... and don't cross each others bottom lines.... when you continue to find a way to communicate through your differences (because trust me, there will be many).... when you find a way to continuously remind each other, peacefully, of your long term goals.... together, it's possible. it is possible, together!!!!

i love jason because i CHOOSE to love Jason. 
I love Jason because i WANT to love Jason, not because i have to. 
not because i married him and feel like these things are things i HAVE to do....
i CHOOSE to do them. 
i want to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better follower of God. 
i haven't ever felt that way for anyone before. 
i've TRIED to love before Jason. 
i've tried to force love that wasn't the kind of love i wanted it to be.
i tried.
but never have i felt the way i do about him, with anyone else before.
i am a passionate person, with a passionate heart about many things....
the same passion that allows me to love, is the same passion that allows me to cry....

i felt a little bit lost last night, and read Psalm 30 before bed....
"... weeping may remain for a night, 
but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5 NIV) (thank you Mimi for sharing this one a while ago.... I remembered it last night and went straight to it)

i wake up this morning to find my daily devotional about being reluctant to show mercy.

"In Biblical fellowship, people will experience mercy.  Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice.

We all need mercy, because we all stumble and fall and require help getting back on track.  We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other.

It's impossible to have biblical fellowship without forgiveness because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship.

The Bible says, "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." (Colossians 3:13 NLT).

The mercy God shows us is the motivation for us to show mercy to others. Whenever you're hurt by someone, you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution?

You can't do both.

Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past.  Trust has to do with future behavior.

Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. "

and so i leave on this....

"when people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair." (2 Corinthians 2:7 CEV)....

being a friend, a TRUE friend.... being a girlfriend, a dedicated girlfriend.... being a wife, a committed wife.... being a mother, a follower of God.... is not easy. it's just not. but when you are COMMITTED in anything that you do, the results are awesome, amazing, beautiful, heartwarming.... and the list goes on.... Trust me, if nothing else i say to you in this life, that when you LOVE God, and stay committed in everything that you do, your end results are all worth it.... every single one of them.... never said they were easy, but they sure are worth it....


Monday, October 26, 2009

Operation Deliver Pumpkins to the kids at Mission Hospital!

so this weekend.... let's see.... 
friday, we went to the pumpkin patch over by jason's dad's house because taylor and jason had been eyeing this super huge slide for quite some time, and well, it was getting closer to halloween and we needed pumpkins....
so we went.
and they went down the slides and had a great time.
we looked through all the pumpkins (which, surprisingly, weren't very many) and they were just not good ones at all! they were WAY overpriced (to be expected) but they were crooked, lopsided, dirty, dented, and on and on.... there was no way we'd get out of there with a decent pumpkin that we could actually carve a face on!!!
so we decided that we had a great time on their slide, but we would NOT be purchasing our pumpkins from here....

so sunday comes. it's a girl's day.... daddy and Lewie stayed home watching football, which gave taylor and i the whole day to ourselves, with no crying baby, and no impatient daddy (while we shopped). it was nice.... and although i do NOT like being away from my husband, taylor does need some undivided attention as well. jason gets my attention when the kids are sleeping, or when lewie's sleeping and taylor's at my moms. lewie gets my undivided attention, all day, everyday. taylor? not so much. she's always sharing. so this sunday was very much overdue.... and we had a blast!

to close out our sunday funday girl's day out, we stopped by the grocery store for a few items to make dinner, and saw tons and tons of pumpkins!  so we started looking through them. there were near perfect ones, everywhere!!! and they were only $4.99 each. now THAT'S more like it.... so we sorted through them and picked 2 large ones and a tiny one for lewie. dad and i would share 1, and taylor and lewie would have their own. now that i'm thinking about it, i might go back and get another one for daddy. i might want to carve my own. hee hee.....

all this excitement about pumpkins.... taylor was just so excited! her face lit up as she found a perfect one, followed by another.... and another.... and it just went on and on.... the more she looked at, the more perfect ones she saw! we didn't know which ones to pick and then it hit us. i wish i could say it was all my idea, but there was a guy (he's a little slow, but kind as can be) who works the front door. he said, "wouldn't it be great if we could afford to take pumpkins over to the people in the hospital?"   DING DING DING! a bell went off in my head.... it says, "well why can't we? why can't we take the kids some pumpkins?"  these kids have to be in a hospital on a holiday, while so many are out carving pumpkins and trick or treating.... why can't we pay $5 a pumpkin and take them to the kids up the street? 

and so we came home, and i sat for a moment and thought about how to go about this. so i called the hospital today. asked for pediatrics, asked who i would speak to about bringing the kids some pumpkins, talked to her and set it up. so we'll be taking about 20-25 pumpkins and big markers up to the hospital this week either Thursday afternoon or Saturday morning.... and let me tell you, i'm excited! i'm excited to pick up T from school today and tell her that we can do what we talked about last night! she's going to be SOOOO excited!!!! this goes along with our conversation last week about "if you can help someone, you should...." 

we can help them.... therefore, we should.... i wish we could take pictures with the kids, but we can't. we can't get onto the pediatric floor because of the H1N1. =( but i'm still so super excited anyhow.... we'll keep you posted on how this turns out! 

we figure this should cost somewhere around $150 to make 20-25 kids smile.... how cool is that?!  not a lot of money for a heck of a lot of smiles.... soo worth it.... =)

Monday, October 19, 2009

the innocence of a child.... my Taylor Girl....

so i snuck into taylor's room to read the letter she left for the toothfairy, before i went to bed. i didn't get to read it while she was awake with her.... this is absolutely, hands down, the cutest thing i've ever read in my life!

one piece of paper reads:

"To Tooth fairy
From Taylor Diaz
P.S. you visited me on Saturday.
Happy Tooth fairy day to you.

flip over and read."

so i flip it over.... and it reads:

"This is my sixth tooth I lost. Please give me at least 4 dollars. Please. If your running short on money because kids are loseing lots of teeth then three dollors. I love to lose teeth, but at night I want to see you. I want a pet cat. Can you please tell Santa Clause?"

on another piece of paper, a 2nd note reads....

"Tooth is in the pink chest. What color are you? flip over. more questions."

so i flipped it over and it says:

"top? pants? shoes? wand? hair?"

WOW! i'm half laughing, half crying.... THESE ARE THE MOMENTS I LIVE FOR!!!!!!!!! the innocence of a child is enough to live for. it really makes you want to do wonderful things in your lifetime.... MAN oh man!!!!

I am so blessed to have this girl.....
my Taylor Girl....

jury duty, therapy and bigger diapers!

oh man. it's been a while.... i've been so busy.... or at least my mind feels like i've been busy. maybe i really haven't been, but i'd like to be, or maybe i'd like to just relax, but have been too busy to even think about relaxing.... whatever it is, i'm here right now.... even if it's just for a minute, i'm here....

i don't even know where i left off and everything that has happened since, and to be quite honest, i kind of miss Lewie waking up in the middle of the night.... that was my time to write all about my crazy days (and nights).... now i just sleep all night, and do other stuff all day.... 

let's see. 

well, i slipped down some stairs last wednesday (while it was raining.... and while i was holding Lewie).... held onto Lewie, but didn't break my fall.... landed RIGHT on my tailbone and slid down about 5 or 6 stairs and then proceeded to cry like a baby, while feeling like i was about to puke at the same time. i poked my legs a few times because they were tingling, to make sure i could still feel them. wiggled my toes.... they wiggled, so i assumed i would be fine. needless to say, my bum still hurts.  after x rays that day, one dr said looked like there was a fracture in one bone (but nothing major) and another dr said he didn't think there was, so i don't know who to believe. i really don't care who's right or wrong, it still hurts.... (and there's nothing you can do about a fractured tailbone except stay off of it anyway.)  

anyway, jason insisted on leaving work to come with me to the dr even though i thought i was going to be just fine.... while we were in the dr's office (he was sitting at the foot of the dr's bed, holding Lewie).  the dr had me bending over the bed, kind of, so my behind was facing jason. the dr kinda pulled my pants about half way down, when he realized he probably should have asked me if this was my husband. "oh, this IS your husband, right?" he asks. "no, he's my brother," i responded. oh, the look on that doctor's face was priceless. jason hurried up and told him he was my husband. but it was pretty funny. (this was a fill-in dr because my dr was out of the office this wednesday afternoon).... ohhhhhh.... what a geek i am.... i still can't believe i slipped down the stairs.... 

okay, next.

Lewie's been sleeping through the night, which is nice.... (but like i said, i kind of miss being able to blog nearly every single day, but i'll take the sleep for now).  he goes to bed anywhere around 730 to 930 and then sleeps until about 530 to 630am. he's now eating 6 ounces every 3 hours instead of 4 ounces every 3. he was super congested for about a week or so, and had an ear infection, but didn't seem to be too much crankier than his usual. he DID want to snuggle up extra while he was sick (just like daddy). =)  he's feeling better and smiling at everyone a lot more lately. he even laughed the other night for the first time. he was CRACKING up and i was playing with him and tickling him in his armpits.... it was toooo cute! i tell you, that is DEFINITELY one of those things that make those sleepless nights worthwhile.... babies sure are amazing!!!! =)  (even if they do turn 7 and talk back to you sometimes....)

we have finally purchased a crockpot (and little dipper) and a blender (with food processor attachment).... i cannot WAIT to start using them! i'm bound and determined to find out the starbucks white mocha frappuccino recipe and ingredients and make them at home and save four dollars and thirty cents a day.... i'm also even more determined to blend fruits and vegetables and make taylor eat them, (and LOVE them, lol).  

so i started this recipe group on facebook and within about a day or two, there were over 80 people joined. how come there are only about 5 recipes on there?!!! they are probably all like me, and just want really good recipes posted, but don't have many of their own. ha! totally kidding, because i KNOW a few people on there can really get down in the kitchen.... cough em up people!!!! share those recipes because i need to eat! =)

a while back, i'd received a jury summons in the mail (my first one in my 26 years of life).... it was for today (well, i was supposed to call on friday after 5 pm, but lost the paper a LONG time ago)..... for whatever reason, this morning, as i was dozing back off to sleep, i jumped up with the thought "JURY DUTY!!!!!!"  i had no idea where in the world i would find that junk mail.... i tried googling newport beach jury summons, newport beach jury duty, newport beach court, court in newport beach, ca (all from my blackberry in bed).... i was trying to find a phone number that i could call and maybe get some information, but 1 of 2 things crossed my mind.... 1. if i found a number, who would be there at 515 am to tell me what i needed to do about it anyway? and 2. i'm not even processing thoughts clearly at this time, so sleep sounded better (and won). i fell back asleep until 630ish. all i could think about was Jason's story about when he was supposed to go to jury duty and he didn't and then he had to go to court and they almost took him to jail, but the judge told him to go serve immediately, and so he did and he didn't go to jail, but he almost did, and i didn't want to even imagine having anything like that after me.... it bugged me, but i didn't know what to do.... so i dropped taylor off at school, came home and found the paper (in a huge stack, just like i figured).... looked on the paper. i'm group 5012... called the number i was SUPPOSED to call on friday and groups 5008 through 5011 REPORT to the courthouse at 8 am.... group 5012 through something else, call back after 5. MAN did i luck out (especially since i called at 11 am. ha!) geek, i know, but what a relief. so i'll call them back and tell them i'm not coming, although i'd love to convict someone of something. ;)

i love my husband. that's all about that.

i have some bills to take care of today (i HATE bills, by the way), i need to get Lewie some bigger diapers b/c for whatever reason, he likes to pee and poop OUT of his diaper.... taylor never did that.... none of those explosive diapers like Lewie, but i guess everyone's different, right? i shouldn't compare.... he may end up in a therapist's office years to come for having been compared to his older sister, princess taylor who will be sitting in the therapist's office next to him for believing that she really WAS a perfect princess all these years.... i think everyone needs therapy, no matter how perfect you think you are.... and the more perfect you think you are, the more therapy you probably need. hahahaha. man! i'm really enjoying this one today.... 

i think i have had a lot built up these past few weeks, and that is probably the reason i was up at 1245 am the other night, doing dishes so that i wouldn't keep my husband awake, talking to him.... thank you blogspot, maybe my husband can actually sleep tonight (withOUT me talking his ear off)....

i better jump in the shower now, while the rugrat's still asleep. he'll be up shortly for his 6 ounce bottle.... i kinda like getting on this schedule now.... i know that usually DEAD ON every 3 hours he starts fussing.... that 3 hours is coming up real quick.... 

hopefully i won't be away for so long this time.... until next time.... so long my dear readers. ;)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

cookie cutter.

So I find myself repeatedly asking myself the very same question, in many different forms, (nearly) every single day.

Am I really cut out for this? Am I really made to be a mom, a wife, staying at home, cooking all meals, packing lunches, grocery shopping, making everyone's drs appts, volunteering for the kids school? Am I really cut out for this?

You know, some people were boooorn for this stuff. That mom on 18 kids and counting. She was cut out to do that stuff! She teaches them, cooks, does all that, annnnd she's usually always pregnant! She was born to be a mom. And a good mom so it seems. So patient and soft spoken.

and then there was me!!!
i have a planner, and i usually write stuff in it, but half the time i forget to look in there, and i end up missing half the stuff i signed up for anyway....
sometimes i make dr's appointments and THINK i filed it somewhere in my head, only to show up at the wrong doctor's office! who does that? ummm, i do!

i am soooo incredibly burnt out tired. i haven't been sleeping very well (neither has Lewie, during the day).... he sleeps pretty decent at night... usually 12 to 13 hours at a time.... but he refuses to sleep during the day.... taking little cat naps for 20 minutes here and there.... i can't get much done without him screaming.... so i've started to just get done what needs to be done while he screams.... it sucks, but it has to get done!!! i find myself driving faster when he's screaming.... or moving faster when he's screaming.... even if it's a hobbling, wobbling painful faster, i get sooo incredibly anxious, that i just somehow seem to want to get it over with (whatever it is) faster!!!!

i find that when i'm overly anxious or exhausted, usually being productive (and praying) help a ton!!!! sometimes it's SO incredibly hard to even think straight. today, i actually went into the kitchen to get something out of the pantry to put into his diaperbag, and i ended up just shutting the pantry door.... with me in it!!!! i needed quiet!!! i wanted to pray sooo badly, but i couldn't even think with his loudness.... so i closed the door and prayed....

it seemed to work momentarily, as i was able to pray, before I opened the door to his crying again. you know, my gut tells me that he doesn't feel well... maybe his formula upsets his stomach, as he cries soooo much and spits up/throws up sooo much.... the dr said it's normal for them to spit up/throw up 10% of what they eat every feeding.... and that babies just cry, that's what they do.... now i know i shouldn't compare babies, but I don't EVER remember taylor crying and spitting up like this.... EVER! maybe because i was already back to work by this time.... ? i don't know, but his next appt is on the 30th and i do look forward to that one. i hope jason gets that day off, or at least can be at his appointment. he was there for his 2 month shots (thank goodness) because i wouldn't have been able to stand it! it makes me sick!!! especially being as emotionally unstable as i've been!

i ask that these next few weeks continue to go smoothly, and that i am as productive as i can possibly be at this point....

i don't know what our future plans hold, but for now, i'll continue to be this little cookie cutter thing of whatever i am.... i'll see where it takes me.... *sigh*

i shouldn't really sound so ungrateful.... i have a wonderful husband who busts his butt so that i can be home with the kids right now and not have to stress out about rushing back to work even though i'm not completely better... financially we are okay right now.... i have what many women would ideally want! i just wonder how long this will last.... and what i'm really meant to be.... cookie cutter? eeehhhhh....

Saturday, October 3, 2009

a must read.... (continued from yesterday)

this is continued from yesterday's completely confusing thoughts that were leading to a point of rambling because i could not gather my thoughts for the life of me.... but here goes anyway.... please read it all the way through.

jason and i have had many discussions about this.... the whole facebook, myspace, computer, and cell phone thing.... i guess my initial reaction was to get defensive, because he HATED the computer.... i ACTUALLY started a draft about this from yesterday or the day before (about the exact same thing). it just puts your life out in the open.... and for some that can be good, for others not so good. i think more often than not, it's really not beneficial unless maybe if you're single.... i was single. before jason, my heart was single. no one filled that void. i was a single mom, and i felt lonely and like there was so much missing from my life. i lived through my computer. i kept in touch with the outside life through myspace and facebook and texting.... i woke up early, got taylor ready, took her to school, worked until 6, rushed over to pick her up, brought her home, ate dinner, did homework, got her bathed, read and put her to bed, only to be so incredibly exhausted to even THINK about doing anything else.... but then i'd get in bed after my shower, and then just lie there.... thinking about my day..... what did i do? how was work? what issues were going on at work? how was i going to fix them? why am i thinking about work? i'm at home. yeah that's right. i'm home. alone. no one here to hold me. or comfort me or ask me how MY day was.... it was a vicious cycle, and quite honestly a pity party for a lonely soul. little did i know that no one coming along would fulfill my lonely heart.... no one except myself.... and then when my heart was content, i could share it with someone else....

here i go, again, i guess putting myself out there to some extent.... but it's for a bit of a different reason.... this isn't so anyone can look at me and say "awwww, how sad." or "wow, she's so lucky." NOTHING like that. this is for those many people who find themselves doing the same exact thing....

WHY, when we have relationships, or even when we don't, do we find ourselves so wrapped up in EVERYTHING outside of the present moment we are in? why do we find it so amusing checking people's facebook status' and current moods and comments and all that? i got it before. i was empty and lonely and used it as my connection to focus on everyone else BUT myself....

even going out on the weekend with a few friends didn't satisfy me. it was never satisfying.... i'd come home, go to sleep, wake up the next morning and still feel lonely, in fact it was worse. i'd feel lonely AND guilty. guilty for having had taylor spend the night at nana and poppa's house while i went out with friends.... and then i'd feel so horribly guilty all day, that my mood would be worse, and then i'd feel like i was in SUCH a horrible mood by the end of the day someone would invite me out to cheer me up, and i'd feel so down, that i'd do the same exact thing.... i get how easy it is to get stuck in this vicious cycle, but it's a stupid one.... just like it is to be on the computer so much.

now, being at home with the baby, i find myself bored.... i find myself, STILL, out of touch with the "real world." (not consciously, of course, but maybe subconsciously....).... i feel like i just want to relate, interact with someone SOMEONE who is possibly as bored or amused by the same things that i am.... does that even make any sense?

i read a friends blog about the same thing, and just found it kind of funny how we both came up with this at the same time.... had the same thoughts and feelings about it...

i long to, (with a PASSION), change people's thought process.... not just CHANGE people... but REALLY get into their hearts and make them acknowledge their TRUE desires.... like "what's your ultimate WANT in this world?" i don't believe that it's to sit there and waste away your days reading about someone else's nonsense.... i highly doubt that if you REALLY sat down and made a "life's goals" list that spending half of your day (or more) on facebook is on there.... i bet it's more like "love the ones your with." "raise happy healthy children." "never take your partner/spouse for granted." "have a good job, making good money, while still spending time with your family." "teach your children everything they'll need to know to make it in this world without you." "be happy." "travel somewhere other than here and enjoy it." "give your children wonderful memories." "have enough time to volunteer for a cause that you think is worth fighting for." "thank a soldier for fighting for our freedom." "live to do what you were put here to do.... something good...."

my list can go on and on and on.... point is, that instead of passive aggressively trying to post messages on your status with the intent of "someone" trying to read it, look inward at your present situation.... i've wasted plenty of time dwelling on things that have NO impact or any level of importance to where i am at PRESENTLY.... and i think everyone should do the same.

don't get me wrong, you'll find me on my blogger, VENTING constantly.... sharing thoughts constantly.... most of the time, i get on here so that i don't have to call someone (usually jason) and interrupt his day to talk his ear off about my horrible day of Lewie screaming his little head off, and how i can't do it. i can't stay home and listen to him scream all day..... or how inadequate i feel as a mother of two.... feeling like i can't find balance for the life of me.... and by the responses i had received, everyone finds the humor in that. i love that! i love letting people know that they are not alone.... by any and ALL means, NO ONE IS ALONE in what they are feeling.... my point is that the way you feel is ultimately your choice.... i say this time and time again.... you cannot control the outcome.... all you can do is control your actions.... if you want to act a fool, and act on raw emotions (which i still sometimes get the urge to do) then go ahead and do it.... and maybe after making the same mistake 13387564 times (and feeling like a complete idiot the next day or so), you'll learn that maybe you should FIGHT THE URGE!!!!! don't say something stupid in the heat of your irrational thoughts.... walk away from the computer, or your phone or your spouse.... go on a walk. go sit in starbucks (okay, so maybe i'm the only one who does that).... but being out in public, around other people, around smiles, around trees, around something other than myself is something that ALWAYS helps me... it helps pull me back into reality that life isn't ONLY about ME.... it's a fantastic feeling to go for a walk, come back and feel refreshed.... feel almost cleansed (for lack of a better word).... those horrible feelings and thoughts and urges to react in a foolish way, find themselves elsewhere.... with the birds..... and far away from you.

it's just food for thought, i guess this just sort of continued from yesterday's blog where my thoughts were lost, but then refound after reading stephani's blog about the same exact thing....

again, everyone who knows me, knows that one of my most important goals in this lifetime is to change someone's life.... for the better.... i want someone else to see and UNDERSTAND this concept.... i want people to agree with and join me in my journey to change people's lives.... get them thinking and feeling more optimistically....

Thank God for the mood, falling in love, music, hope, wonder, ferris wheels, dreams, kitchen tables, romance, memories, families, miracles, friends, heroes and all the times of our lives....

to many more smiles and making many more happy memories.... to raising happy, healthy, optimistic children.... to our happy future together.... cheers. =)

Friday, October 2, 2009

to leave yourself exposed....

my lovely husband is a fairly quiet person around people outside of our home (or his friends)....
i, on the other hand, will talk a complete stranger's ear off.... well almost any person's ear off.... 
(this is where taylor gets it from, right?)
anyway.... jason doesn't like myspace or the whole facebook thing so much. he thinks it kinda just asks for trouble.... and it's a waste of time... and quite honestly, it very well can be to someone who isn't content.... whether it be the person who is married and unhappy or the person who is single and unhappy and does the stalking.... we've all been guilty of it at some point or another (the stalking, not the unhappiness)....
i must admit, that although i don't always agree with my husband, he is right about 99% of the time.... i don't want to add any extra .99% in there, as i might give him a big head. 
he is a very logical person and i am very emotionally driven.... but after the emotions die down, i've learned to be a lot more logical.... sometimes. ;)

i'm working on the part where the emotions aren't stirred up automatically.... but the wonderful thing about us, is that we offset each other very well.... very.... what's the word i'm looking for?.... oh yes.... complementary.... i show emotions that he might now and he shows the logic that i might not.... 

anyway.... let me get to my point, before i'm actually aware of how much i'm rambling....