Monday, December 28, 2009

maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

i guess only women find this absolutely hilarious....
well jason did too.... 
which is probably a good thing, being that i believe he is one of the few faithful men that still exist....

it was jason's change from lunch the other day. ha! hilarious.

what a BURN to the man who cheats on his wife....

"maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."

Friday, December 25, 2009

Your Signature and Life Story please....

so for those of you who know my daughter, know that she :
1. believes in the tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny, etc.
2. loves to write.
3. is nosy (i have no idea where she got it from either) ;)
4. is beyond smart.

and, well, i'm sure there's more, but that's about all you'll need to know for this story....
so.... last night, Taylor gets a paper plate, puts 2 cookies on them. pours a small glass of milk. writes a letter to Santa. also, she leaves him a "helping hand" award. she made him this award.
For those of you who can't read it, it says: TO Santa FROM Taylor Diaz, Helping Hand. Thank you For all your hard work! Keep up the good work! (and there is a picture of a thumbs up on it)
She also includes this letter to santa:

IT reads:

"Dear Santa
I've had a great year. Please try to get my friend Nicolette to beleive in you. If you get to eat these cookies please sighn your name on the line.
___________________
Please tell me a little bit about your life. If you don't want to or it's a secret it's okay."

Anyway.... we wake up this morning.... only to find the cookies? eaten. gone. milk glass? empty. note? award?.... gone. my laptop? sitting on the table where the note was.... moved from its normal resting place next to the tv.... it was "hibernating" and only needed a little click of the spacebar or mouse to wake up.... Taylor was confused. her note was gone, but my computer was there. so we "woke it up," and found this on our screen. my text edit open (Apple's version of notepad)....

Dearest Taylor,


You have been such a good girl all year. I have watched you move to a new school and treat your new classmates with such care. I have watched you do so well in school and work so hard. I have watched you welcome a new baby brother into this world with such patience, and such a loving heart. I have watched you help your daddy and mommy, and I've watched you treat your family so kind. You are a very good girl, with a very gentle heart. I am sorry your friends at school do not believe in me. You don't have to try to convince them that I am real. As long as you believe, I will visit you. As long as you believe, your heart stays young. Never stop dreaming, Taylor. You are a very bright girl. I hope you enjoy your toys this year. Something tells me, you will have many presents from many people. Let's work on keeping your room cleaner this year, so that next year there will be room for more presents!


My life is a very busy life. It is a very cold one too! Christmas Eve is my busiest night of all, when I must visit all of the good children's homes! When I come home, Mrs. Claus is waiting with a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows and the fire is burning in the fireplace. Forgive me for moving your couch a bit. It was a bit difficult to get in through there. I think your Dad and Mom will understand why it's a bit out of place.


Keep up all your hard work (and tell your Dad and Mom to give you a better pen to write with next time. That pen didn't work.) I took your note with me so that I could show Mrs. Claus.


I hope your Dad and Mom aren't too upset that I used their computer. Please tell them to save this letter for you somehow.


I enjoyed your cookies very much, and was very thankful you left milk. Some kids don't leave milk, and it makes it very difficult to wash the cookies down. I ate one and will share the other with the reindeer. I hope I didn't wake you tonight.


Never forget the reason for today's celebration.


Dream Big, Sweet Taylor.


HO HO HO!


Until next year,

Saint Nicholas


P.S. Your dog is very kind too. Good thing she didn't bark and wake you.



So Taylor, was SO excited! She beamed and exclaimed, "i KNEW there was a Santa, Mom! you need to save this letter or print it, and i can show my friends that there really is a santa!"


Oh, Sweet Taylor.... my life will never get old with you in it.... =)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

compromised corneas....

so i already know that i have compromised corneas. they told me that this past year, which doesn't allow me to have the lasik surgery even if my vision stopped changing (which it has for the past 3 years).... 
i would have been a candidate but for whatever reason, my corneas are all jacked up and now i can't see and i can't have the procedure.... 
i've been going to costco for my eyes exams for the past many many years, and usually a box of contacts lasts me about a year.... 
not gonna lie, i've slept in my contacts for a loooooooong time (which i'm certain is the cause of my compromised corneas), but i have NOT slept in my contacts for the past year now! 
i've taken them out every single night and i soak them all night. i wear my glasses at night and every morning.... and it seems like my eyes are worse than they have ever been.
this started happening especially after i had lewie....
it happened in the hospital, where i could not put my contacts in and actually left the hospital in my glasses.... my eyes got SUPER light sensitive and i couldn't even keep 'em open. 
then, i had to wear my glasses for a few days, soaking my eyes with a hot washcloth every now and again....

well it's done it a bunch of times since then, and it sucks.
i can't keep my eyes open for very long. they water, they're super light sensitive.... and well, i think i just need new eyes....
of course, it's Christmas Eve.... my eyes are all jacked up, and i'm grumpy. i'm amazingly blessed to have a super supportive husband who is trying to help me get out of my moods, although i should totally be doing this myself.... he's out running all my last minute errands, and well, here i am venting about the stupid eyeballs i want to rip out of my face! ugh!

has anyone else ever experienced what i'm talking about? am i the only lame person on this planet whose eyes decide to shut down for a few days every few months? HELP!!!


whoa! i didn't know corneal transplants are a real thing!!!! i want one!!!! me next, me next!

so santa, if you're listening.... all i want for Christmas are 2 eyes that i can see with that won't go out of order every few months....  NEW CORNEAS PLEASE!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Taylor's Winter Celebration Party....


Taylor and her buddy Nicolette making the picture magnets....
Taylor and her best buddy Nicolette. =)

Aaaaand then.... Lewie decided he'd had enough of the winter celebration party and that it was time to go.... anywhere but there....

they had craft tables set up in a bunch of different sections. they were decorating candy canes, making magnets, making picture ornaments, decorated cookies and cupcakes.... it was adorable! =) wish i could've stayed for more pictures, but i can't stand (or sit) for too long.... so this was our maxed out time....

this was her "treat" plate. =) (notice the devoured top of her cupcake)


and this is probably my favorite.... the ornament she made for me. =) i added the year on it and wrote on the back.... it's still drying, but will be on our tree very soon.

Merry Christmas (and a happy 2 weeks off for her!!!)

superwoman: cheap imitation.


okay. i have about 12 minutes until the timer goes off.  and then about 30 minutes after that, i've got to go drop the cupcakes off at T's school, which is thankfully right across the street..... i volunteered to make the 40 that they needed, but somehow 40 suddenly turned into 96.... 48 of which i wouldn't have eaten myself.... so i tossed all but 14 of those.... 
 i'm about 2 minutes late feeding Lewie, and you can tell by the shriek in his cry. AHHHH!!!!

....  okay so 3 minutes later, he is silent.... and my neck is very much sore.... and unhappy. sorry neck! you're going to have to suffer a bit this time....
I have this sling around me (which i used for about the first few weeks Lewie was born).... he was so tiny, he somehow managed to get lost in it, so i stopped using it and started using the front to back carrier type thing (thanks Kera), which works pretty well (except when you're trying to feed a baby).... so i'm in the middle of trying to feed him and bake cupcakes (well, MORE cupcakes, because 48 of the 72 that were baked last night, didn't turn out well at all.... i thought it was my fault somehow, but after bickering back and forth with jason about it, we both decided it had to be the mix we were using.... anyway, he said, "just take the cupcakes. the kids won't care how they taste, they just want to decorate them." )
is that not such a MAN thing to say? all i could think about was if i took these disgusting cupcakes to taylor's school, they'd never let me offer to bake something again!!! next time i'd volunteer, they'd secretly whisper amongst themselves "uh no. that's the lady who made those disgusting cupcakes last time." ahhhH! i couldn't be known as "that lady." (honestly, not that i really care, but THOSE cupcakes were NOT a reflection of my best work.... ) 

i've been up since about 0400 am, when the alarm went off the first time for jason. i guess i "know" and count on the snooze button, and know that he doesn't actually have to be out of bed until 0415 if he wants to leave the house by 0445.... so i didn't even nudge him, i just hit the snooze and rolled back over... but of course, JUST when you shut your eyes, it goes off again.... and then i sigh, and kinda kick him.... and shut it off.... and roll over and it goes off again, and now, i just sigh.... i'm mumbling under my breath, because he doesn't ever hear the dang thing go off, but i do.... it can vibrate in another room and i'd hear it.... (we use my cell phone as the alarm).... jason has an alarm clock but he seriously has it as loud as i'm sure the military uses to wake up their sleeping beauties.... when his alarm clock would go off, i'd literally jump out of bed, thinking someone was attacking our house or something!!!! it was awful!!!! (and all joking aside, i'm CERTAIN he woke our neighbors!).... 
so, while typing this, Lewie has managed to SOAK my last pair of clean, dry socks with vomit. (i don't have very many pairs, okay? i'm usually in flip flops).... the rest are in the washer.... which reminds me... must change laundry.... 

i'm baking with a sling (and child) around my neck.... i'm going completely insane, and really wishing, in fact, that someone was here to take a picture of this craziness!  so i grabbed the camera and went to the big mirror hanging at the bottom of the stairs to take this picture.... and noticed the mirror downstairs really needs to be cleaned.... i don't ever really look in that mirror, as i'm usually running (and falling) out of the door, late to wherever i'm headed next.... 

do you know what the anxiety of running late all the time feels like? i'm not a very good planner, but have gotten a little better (maybe?? just a little?).... i don't know.  that could just be wishful thinking.... 

which reminds me.... 

those cupcakes.... need to be delivered.... like now.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

she's crazy.

spiral winds,
turn funnels.
heavy clouds,
drop rain.
run around the outside.
i don't even know my name.
cows pass the window,
in my bed i lay,
wonder when the sun will shine?
wonder when i can play.
again.
there goes the lady on her bike,
with that wicked, crooked nose.
looking over at me,
through my now broken window.
BAM i hit the ground so hard,
i don't know which direction's which.
i see the feet under my house, 
belonging to that witch.
asia's running outside now,
munchkins jump out singing loud.
good witches, bad witches, 
all around.
my phone rings
in the middle of it all.
i tell him what i've seen....
he doesn't believe 
all that is REAL,
he says it's just a dream....



Monday, December 14, 2009

T.K.


There's something about her.... 
something about her that i can't explain.
She didn't ask to be here.
but i brought her here anyway....
after 8 agonizing months of vomiting and an evergrowing belly, she was here.
and it's been a little over 7 years since that day....
and she is here....
long brown hair.
brown eyes.
big, thick, bushy eyebrows.
and eyelashes that go on for days.
she has more gums than she does teeth, but a gorgeous smile none the less....
when her smile is genuine, it's one that'll warm your heart....
there's something about her.
i can't pinpoint exactly what it is....
maybe it's her being at my side through all of my times....
my trying ones.
my bad ones.
and my good ones.
she's still here.

maybe it's her unconditional love and attentiveness that no 7 year old child should even have to know.
the nights we would lie in bed, she would just rub my arm.... 
no words....
because somehow she sensed my doubt that everything would be okay.
she'd tell me it would be....
and somehow, in the whisper of her tiny little voice.... i knew it would be....
there's something about her, that nobody else has....
there's that unconditional love, that an innocent child holds....
that no matter how bad your day is, or how snippy you are, 
your apology is always accepted immediately....
you can wipe away her tears, hug her, kiss her, tell her you love her, and she'll never turn you away.
there's this warmth about this girl, that i can't even begin to explain....
i can try, but i'd fail every single time....
there's this understanding about her that she carries that all is to be forgiven.... 
that a smile is always welcome....
there's this warmth about her hug.... 
she longs to be the most important thing in your life....
i feel like i can't ever live up to making up the mistakes i've made in my past....
for all the wrong people i've ever brought into her life.....
i look at her and feel so guilty for not showing her, sooner, what a wonderful love is made of....
i know she is still so young, but so wise.... so intelligent beyond her years....
she gets these awards...
for an excellence in reading....
for being a wonderful writer....
and for a caring attitude....
it all makes me smile.
in fact, it makes me cry....
tears of joy....
but i wonder, is it even me to credit for her being the wonderful girl that she is?
i wonder where all her excellence comes from, and i welcome it none the less....
i just look at this girl...
this wonderful girl.
i thank God she is mine....
there's something about her....
i can't explain what it does to me.....
it gives me all the power to keep going,
because sometimes nothing in the world seems to push me forward,
but she.... 
she does....
i'm EVER so thankful.
i'm EVER so blessed.
that she is mine.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Santa Pawpa....



my mom volunteers for an organization called "new beginnings" for animals.... she does kitty cuddling, originally starting on tuesdays for 2 hours.... slowly that became, tuesdays and thursdays for 2 hours each time.... sometimes she even picks up other "shifts" and covers people who leave town, or can't make it....

well recently, she volunteered for "Santa Paws" at the pet store (where she does the kitty cuddling).... she asked if we could all pitch in and help make this thing possible. they needed a photographer (tuety did a great job, thank you tuety).... she was going to help with the photos and collect the money.... and we.... well, we were just going to visit her.

so yesterday comes, and she and michelle go and take these pictures and do this great deed.... it goes great! they did a great job!

then today comes.... and they weren't going to have a santa paws claus.... somehow mom manages to talk poppa (now known as Pawpa) into being Santa at the pet store.... poppa really doesn't care for kids much (or so he tries to act like he doesn't like kids, but i think he secretly loves them.... probably as much as he loves rabbits in his bedroom).... (inside joke.... he's SUPER allergic).... anyway.... he goes WAY out of his comfort zone, and even buys his own mustache and beard (so he doesn't have to swap spit with the santas before him....)

i tossed around the idea of going in and taking our picture today, but quickly decided to do it as soon as i found out HE was Santa Paws.... (i didn't know until this morning).... needless to say, that since Jason had to go to work (and even if he didn't), we now have a wonderful picture with Santa Pawpa!

what a trooper Pawpa!!!! =)

anyway.... i guess where i was kind of going with this, was how wonderful a great marriage is.... where you leave your comfort zone and do things out of the norm.... things you wouldn't do on a normal day or for another soul on this planet.... (but you will for this one partner....) i know how much this organization means to mom and i know that poppa knows it too.... michelle (my sister) and i were just talking about how wonderful it is to see my mom light up about something.... she doesn't light up this way about much,.... and definitely not for humans.... but for ANIMALS?! now that's an entirely different story.... she works all these hours (well VOLUNTEERS her man time and hard work) for these animals to have a chance at having a good home.... would my stepdad do this on his own free time? no, i don't think so. he'd more likely spend his time capturing photos of strange people, or beautiful flowers, or see how close he could get to a hummingbird before it flies away.... but he sat in a HOT santa suit, sweating his brains out, with animals (and kids) because he loves my mom....

now THAT is a wonderful feeling....

folks, true love exists.... good, real, genuine love exists.... it's about compromise.... and bending out of your comfort zone. it's about snuggling a rabbit even if you're allergic.... okay, so not really.... but it's about being Santa Claus, when you'd much rather catch the sunday football game.... THAT'S what love is about.... it's about seeing mom's face light up when people come in to take their picture with their animals....

heck, i would have been santa for that..... =)

Monday, December 7, 2009

9 months to the day.... (originally written on August 24, 2008)

one of the few of the last pictures with my Dad. (11/2007)


it's been nine months to the day,
since he took your soul away,
from us here
in this place.
how i'd give anything 
to see your face.
just yesterday i reached 
to call you....
so often i think 
thoughts about you.
things i think would make you smile,
i haven't heard you in awhile....
but i feel your love come to me,
just like the wind 
at the sea.
how i wish you were here
with me....
how i miss your kisses good night....
and your tight hugs in the morning....
and you telling me your stories....
of all your times before me....
there's still so much 
i have to say....
today is 9 months since that day...
and i still miss you (Dad)....

the anniversary- #1

so we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and it was fantastic!

anniversary #1
it was a surprise.... he set it up and i didn't even know we were doing anything. it was wonderful.  time with my husband, alone, is always wonderful. =) 


Mr. Mom (dropping off the kids at Mom's)


"dress nice. and warm."


brunch in the harbor.  our view from our booth.....

a little bit overcast, but still a beautiful day. =)

we see this guy paddling through the harbor.... jason said that was some of the dirtiest water to be in....


love his face when he's looking at something....


i wish there was sound with this picture.... i love his laugh. =) 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY my love! i look forward to so many more wonderful years with you! (and cards in my pillow)  ;) you're the best! 

Friday, December 4, 2009

flight line and teardrops. (originally written on august 14th, 2008)




flight line and teardrops....
rain in the summer.

cars, like ants, we drove on base.
seemingly knew to flock to the same area....
"the food" (for ants), i suppose....
is where we all parked....

herds of families walked in together....
children, children.
so many children.
so many wives.
and hearts.
and welcome home signs....
the ushers at the entrance passing out tiny american flags.
and red, white and blue pom poms....
all for us to cheer our marines in....
to welcome them home....

i kept my shades over my eyes....

we shuffled in and sat in the large room....
a large television overhead and seats everywhere....
vending machines.
tables covered in playdoh for the kids....
and a snack room....
with snacks and drinks covering the tables for anyone who cared to munch.
not i.
i sat uneasy.

i looked around this large room....
everyone here for the same reason as i.
to welcome someone home.
what about the ones who weren't here today?
what about the ones who SHOULD have been here today,
but weren't.....
what about them?
where were they?
what were THEY doing?
it hurt....

this is REALITY....
Man, this is our reality.
this is real life....
and just another normal day in the life of the military....

another group of our men and women coming home....
after being gone for MONTHS!!!!

this blonde woman in a knee length black dress talks over the speaker....
"your marines are about 30 minutes away. i will get on here and let you know when they are about 15 minutes away, and at that time, you will be allowed to head out to the flight line and wait for your marine."

....

.... no more than about 7 minutes passed, and she was back.
that blonde in the black dress....

"your marines are about 10 minutes away now. you may head outside to the flight line and wait for their arrival.... CON-GRAT-U-LA-TIONS!!!! You did it!!!!"

man!....
man oh man oh man oh man.....
this is INSAAAAANE!

we all walk out to the flight line.
there are red tents for those who would like to avoid the sun.

and there.
there was the marine corps band.
they are quite a musical group.
i mean, really.
all it took was one song.
no, wait.
just the beginning of one song, to bring tears to my eyes....
the played to the left,
as everyone gathered at the flight line....
what an INTENSE feeling....
on the ground....
a bunch of men and women walking around....
you felt like you were a part of top gun.
the rumbling of the ground....
the vibrations in your chest,
as the planes and jets roared their engines and flew outta there....
what an AMAZING view....
a fantastic one....

but where was OUR jet....
the one that held OUR marines?
the crowd of people searched the skies....
and off to the left.
up in the clouds.
there was a tiny white light....
the front of their plane coming in....
and the light got bigger....
and closer....
and lower.....

and the sound of the jet got louder.
and louder.
and closer.
and this HUUUGE oversized jet
FINALLY
touched down....
speeding past us....
and off to the right....


about 5 minutes later, it comes taxiing back.
and rests to the right....
the stairs are pushed against the plane....
and within a few moments,
the door slides up....
this jet is a BEAST!!!!
it's HUUUUGE!

at this point Taylor is crying uncontrollably!!!!
holy cow.
my right arm is shaking from holding her weight for so long.
I want to put her down, but she can't see if i do...
she's clenching me sooo tightly....
her nerves, probably so much greater than mine....
and mine were stomach turning on a 135 pounder.
i can only imagine what hers were like on a little 55 pounder....
but i tell you this....
when her tears fell....
so did mine....
and when her heart ached....
so did mine....
(it's amazing how that works when you become a parent.....
never before have i been so directly affected by someone else...
but HER.... HER heart is directly attached to mine, i tell you....)

minutes pass, and here they come....
OUR MARINES....
piling off the plane!
i couldn't see Jason, but I knew he was there...
I saw marine after marine....
and so started the tears.....
those men and women,
touching U.S. ground again....
Welcome Home troops....
Welcome Home....

and they hand in their weapon....
and sign in for their rooms.
get their room key....
and wait for their bags.....
their bags that are brought in on this HUGE truck....
green bags just PILED on this truck.
to us.... that's what it looks like.... a bunch of green bags....
but to our troops, these bags are their lives for these past months....
their lives were stuffed into these "green bags."

and like clockwork, all these men, lined up....
shoulder to shoulder.... starting from the back of the truck.
and handed these bags down this file of strong men....
none of them seeming to become tired....
sweat dripping off of every single one of them,
but not one of them slowing down....
the bags made it down the file to the very last man, where he would drop the bag
in no particular order or sequence....
and finally about 15 minutes later all of these hundreds of bags
made up rows and rows of our soldiers lives....

i stood in the middle of all the passing marines,
looking down at their boots....
there was still sand in them....
there was still sand from iraq in their boots....
our troops are home,
but just hours before, stood on war grounds....
it made me overcome with such a wide range of emotions....
a part of me overjoyed they were home safely...
another part of me soooooo disturbed that they were even there to begin with....

one of the marines loud voice, yells over the crowds "LISTEN UP MARINES!!!! DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

I quickly looked up....
and around....
if someone needed transportation to the barracks,
that meant they probably didn't have anyone waiting for them when they arrived.
I looked around....

His voice asked again, "DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

He paused.
once more, "TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS? ANYONE?"

No one seemed to need transportation at that time....
I exhaled....
to me that meant everyone had somebody....

He smiled....
as did i....

about 5 minutes later, I heard a young man say to another, "where can I get a ride to the barracks?"

I quickly turned around and there was a tall sandy blonde haired gentleman with round glasses on, standing alone holding his pack on his back, and that "green bag" over his shoulder and a black briefcase looking bag in his other hand....

I turned and said, "Thank you for what you've done. I am glad you're home safely.... Welcome Home!!!!"

I just wanted to hug him....
but you don't know what to do.....
you don't know how they are feeling emotionally.
you know?
i found this same exact feeling when I worked in the hospital....
when i'd meet a cancer patient for the very first time....
what do you say to them, you know?
how do you act towards them?
how are THEY feeling?
do you say you are sorry?
what if they aren't sorry?
what if you offend them by saying you're sorry?
i didn't want to make it any more awkward than it already was....
and so i just touched his arm and said, "welcome home," again.....

all the while,
my shades never left my nose...
because if they did....
these brave brave troops would see how incredibly weak i really was....
tears unable to stop pouring from my eyes as i walked this flight line....
To see Taylor in Jason's arms was incredible.
It really was.....

but my heart didn't stop there.....
there were so many others as well....
so many reunions....
husbands.
wives.
children.
parents.
newborns.
aunts.
uncles.
grandparents.
godparents....
boyfriends.
girlfriends.
brothers.
sisters.
friends.
fellow troops.
it goes on.
and on.
and on.
and i was just here.....

just another ant....
on another normal day.
in the life of the military.....
wishing i could do more.
say more.
give more.

and yet, all i could do,
was walk this FLIGHT LINE....
with my American Flag.
Pom poms.
AND TEARDROPS.....

Welcoming Home our brave men and women....

maybe it's just pride.... (originally written on august 28th, 2008)

maybe it's just pride....

the gaps between your actions.
and the words you speak aloud
show the lack of your intention,
or maybe you're just proud.
but you disappoint the miniature,
who can't wait to wear your shirt,
or watch a movie with you.
or kiss away your hurt.....
her big brown eyes look up to you,
she watches when you go....
she's soaking up your actions,
so much more than you know.
she puckers her lips 
and she closes her eyes....
if only you knew, like i do,
the way that she cries....
quit digging the holes,
that make the distance between....
the things that you say,
and the things that you mean....
the gaps between your actions.
and the words you keep inside,
show the lack of your intention,
or maybe it's your pride....

dysfunction: co-dependency.

so i have this stupid dysfunction.... called co-dependency.... i need to help people who need help. it's not always a bad things, because sometimes you are (or I am) successful at this, and it works out, and things are peachy. and they smile and i smile because they are smiling and it makes me happy.... and .... well, it's just dysfunctional sometimes. (sometimes, being most of the time)....

so i did something really stupid and thought i was being helpful and the situation just blew WAY out of proportion and then i went on trying to explain what my original intention was.... and that i was really in no way, shape or form trying to stir up any kind of drama, and it really just took me to this place of.... well, middle school or high school.... all over again.... and i immediately thought of jason.... and how if i tried to explain this situation to him, what he would say to me.... he would tell me that i should be minding my own business and not talking to anyone anyway.... it's hard for me!  that's something i've always done!!! i've ALWAYS tried to help where i can.... and a lot of times it's successful, but a lot of times, i just become way more emotionally invested than i probably should be and my emotions end up getting the best of me.... i take on people's things like they're my own, and what does it get me? well it gets ME a lot more emotions and it gets my family.... well, probably a lot grumpier mom, wife, sister, daughter, etc. 

whatever. i wish i could kick this stupid co-dependent thing.... i wish i could draw the line of where helpful becomes hurtful... or where helpful becomes "none of my business."  i guess being married to someone as, i don't want to call him "anti-social" because given the proper or comfortable setting, he's an amazingly funny and wonderful person to be around.... but, he's not the most social person in the world.... he doesn't think it's anyone's responsibility to fix anyone else's problems, except themselves.... hmmm... where do we meet in the middle on this one.... i don't know.... 

i still like to help, but not when i end up in situations like today. oh well. i'll call this "help," a loss and move on.... 

maybe i should go clean the house or something.... 

Thursday, December 3, 2009

sleepless wonders

So I'm lying here in bed. It's not much past 9, but it feels like it's dead in the middle of the night.... What would normally be a night I'd be fast asleep, has very much turned in to a night with me lying here.... On my left side, squinting my eyes to see the small font on my blackberry....

My mind won't shut off, though it hardly does. Tonight, for whatever reason, it's on.... And not only turned on, but turned up.... To like the Nth degree....

So as I'm lying here, everything seems so loud. I wonder SO many things, that I'm actually wondering why I'm even wondering about these lame things!

I wonder where the sound of someone else's running water is coming from.... I can't tell if it's the condo beneath us, behind us, next to us.... For all I know, it's someone showering in my room.... Because that's what it sounds like.... Which leads me to my next wonder. I wonder what it sounds like to my downstairs neighbor when we move, when we walk, we I flush the toilet, when (jason) farts in bed.... Because IIII would never do such a thing. (Tee hee hee)....

I wonder how the difference between night and day somehow seems to be like 40 degrees or more! where do those 40 degrees go at night? Like to another planet? Cuz it sure feels like it.....

I wonder why Lewie went to bed at 6 something tonight? Aren't we the old folks here? Not him? Which then leads me to wondering since he went to bed at 6 something tonight, what glorious hour of the night is he going to wake up and decide he's slept enough, and what "pre-dawn" hour will be the perfect one to party (party of 1, that is).... I have nooo idea, but I'm in nooo hurry to find out....

I wonder why the guy, Rick, from Living spaces was such an absolute jerk when I called earlier.... I wonder if he was having a bad day or if he's always that rude to customers.... I wonder if people have actually cancelled their orders because of Rick's bad attitude.... I actually re-named him to myself (in my head) when he put me on hold, but it wasn't a very nice name, so I won't share it on here....

I wonder how I ended up with such a great husband who loves me so much and takes suuuuch great care of me without ever complaining, except if he thinks I'm doing too much.... (Well while I'm not feeling well).... Cuz if I DO feel okay, he doesn't mind barking orders, which are usually shot down immediately, just because I don't like being told what to do.... Which probably stems from me having father issues.... Which leads me to wonder how I ended up with him, and how he ended up with me.... Because he really likes to try to tell me what to do, and I really don't like to be told what to do, and we butt heads and most of the time just laugh at how incredibly dysfunctional (but happy) we are.... So I guess I kind of answered my own question there.... For whatever reason God put us together, I'm grateful for it, none-the-less....

I wonder why chocolate chip cookies taste soooo good... And why sweets like this and brownies and chocolate milk taste sooo exceptionally great first thing in the morning....
I WAS going to say "I wonder why these last 20 lbs of weight I want to shed, aren't just running away or shedding," but I think my previous "wonder" answered that question.... Darn.

I wonder why things come in waves.... Why you can feel one way about some certain thing or situation, and in a matter of days, hours, heck, even after hearing a song, why your feelings can completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) change the way you feel ENTIRELY.... I wonder if I am the only one who feels that way....

I wonder why I can't sleep, and why I'm wondering so much.... I wonder why it comes in waves....

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

are you REALLY THAT surprised?

soooo.... i don't watch a whole lot of TV.... and i don't follow the news very well.... i change the radio station if they start talking.... but i guess there's a buzz about Tiger.... Woods....

so everyone's trying to make a huge deal about him cheating and so many people are getting sooo upset with the news covering celebrities and such....

you may not want to hear it, but here i go anyway....

i think the main reason everyone follows celebrities for the "inside scoop," is because we all have this expectation.... we all have this "understanding" or "belief" that celebrities are some super beings.... that they aren't human, and that they are perfect.... at least that's the image they portray and try to maintain.... and they make a lot of money because of something. tiger is good at golf.... his money should come from golf.... yet most of his money comes from endorsements... a majority of this world are failures.... in fact, if all of us aired out the dirty laundry, there are more failures than anyone would ever admit to.... Tiger is human too. i am NOT, by ANY means, defending such a stupid action as cheating, but oh well. he cheated. it sucks for his wife and kids (later down the road, because, right now, they probably have absolutely no idea what's going on), but whatever. get over it. if she chooses to stay with him, she's stupid. or she's not, whatever.... but that's for HER to decide.... as for the rest of the world.... they just want to know that these "celebrities".... these super "non-human" beings, are, in fact, HUMANS too.... making the same mistakes that many of us wouldn't ever fess up to anyway....

he made poor decisions, just like 99.999999% of the rest of the world....
people want to watch successful people fall apart.... whatever it is, they want to watch them unravel and air out the so called dirty laundry and they want to know that big rich famous people make mistakes too.

hey guess what? i'll let you in on a little secret.... EVERYONE has made mistakes!!!!! whoooooaaa! bet ya didn't see that one coming now did ya?

my goodness! get over it people!!!! or the people who are so irritated with it, QUIT watching and/or listening.... a wise friend brought up a good point.... look at what the media did to the swine flu? blew that sucker waaaaaay outta proportion, right? more people die of the regular "flu" than of the "swine flu."

turn off your TV, put a CD in, instead of listening to radio talk....
make a list of what you need to do and go be productive or something.

Monday, November 16, 2009

once upon a time....

once upon a time there was this King.... his name was Jason.... and he was so handsome.... and had such a beautiful smile.... and dimples that would melt your heart.... his eyes were such a beautiful brown.... when he stood in the sun, they looked like brand new pennies!  his eyelashes curled, and he could stare into your eyes with such a romantic intensity that would send chills over your body.... it was magical! he was so strong and so poised... nothing ever bothered him. his feelings never got hurt.... he never cried. he always took care of business. he was such a MANLY man!

he brightened everyday.... he always smiled. he was so happy all the time.... why, King Jason was PERFECT!!!!!

.... this is how our fairytale started.... i fell in love with my prince! he was my knight in shining armor. he was my perfect man. he was my perfect everything.... 

that's such a high standard to hold ANYONE up to.... to make them feel like they are perfect and can NEVER do any wrong?!   what happens when they disappoint you?  oh, the whole world would come crashing down then.... what happens if King Jason had a bad day?  or he didn't smile. or i didn't see his dimples, or he didn't stare at me with that romantic intensity that he once did? 

oh the world would come crashing down....

here i go with my "i think," again..... but here i go anyway.....

i think that so often, we fall in love with the fairytale romance of our new love.... we hold onto that fairytale romance.... that new love and we want it to last forever.... we have that expectation that it will forever be this "magical" and "wonderful".... and anything less is just not acceptable.... bad days never happen in fairytales, and so they can't happen in real life....

hey, guess what everyone?  this IS real life!!!! 

real life is not:
a fairytale.
it is not perfect.

what happens when you realize that you married a HUMAN!!!!!
*gasp*
you didn't marry a prince, or a king, or a queen, or a princess!!!!
what happens when you ACCEPT that you've married a human?

well i'll tell you what happens....
all your super high expectations go out the window....
you don't always expect them to be perfect. 
you don't expect the smiles every single day.
you don't expect that things will be perfect.
you don't expect that they will never disappoint you.....

you ACCEPT that there will be bad days....
there will be trying times....
there will quiet times.... 
boring times....
noisy days.....
sad days....
lonely days....
there will be those times.....

but just because those times exist, doesn't mean that you don't love one another....
i vowed my life to my handsome King.... but he's only a King, because of his name. 
He's a king.
he's my king.

Everyone believes they know what perfect is.... perfect is different to everyone....
Jason just so happens to be the "perfect" one for me....

you learn to set boundaries with each other.... 
"bottom lines" as someone once taught me....
she said "you set the bottom lines of what you will NOT accept.... and you guys don't cross those bottom lines...."

humpf!
who would've known....
boundaries.... "bottom lines"....
what a wonderful thing to have.

once upon a time....
i vowed my life....
my days.... ALL of them.... 
to my wonderful husband....
my wonderfully happy, grumpy, funny, anxious, handsome, lazy, HUMAN husband....
and it was the wisest decision i've ever made.... 
and we lived.... 
and we loved each other.
every.
single.
day....
the best that we knew how.....

the end. 

(of just the beginning.... of learning how to love one another better for all of the rest of my days).

Friday, November 13, 2009

rip my feet off why don't you....

so i went for my MRI on Tuesday.... they told me i'd be in a tube for 20 to 25 minutes.... they needed to look at my pelvic bone and my tailbone.... to take a closer look....
they told me that i couldn't move for 20 to 25 minutes.... 
"that's fine," i thought.... 

but that's the whole point, i suppose.... i DIDN'T think.... 
i don't ever lie on my back! alllways on my side with a pillow between my knees!
so anyway.... 
i get there.... it's cold. 
REALLLLLY cold.... 
like chillbumps on my legs cold.... 
i had jeans, little black flats and a black tank top with a little beige cover up thingy, but that wasn't keeping me warm....
i couldn't wear my jeans (even though they said to wear whatever i wanted, and that there were no restrictions).... so they gave me these paper short thingies.... which made me even more cold.... i didn't have any socks on, and i certainly wasn't going to go barefoot, so i wore my shoes into the MRI room.... it took me a while, but eventually i got positioned on the sliding table thing (whatever it's called).... the sliding table that will eventually slide me into the tube....
i asked her if i needed to take my shoes off, she said, "nope you can leave them on!" 

so then she covers me up and starts sliding me in to the tube, feet first.... 
whoa! what is that?! 
it felt like someone just SAT on my feet.... they were being pushed down towards the bed as hard as they could be!!! i said, "ummmm why does it feel like my feet are being pulled off of my ankles?"
she stopped the machine and slid me back out and took off one of my shoes, which pretty much JUMPED out of her hand and stuck to the machine.... ooooohhh magnetic! hahaha! 
she said, "your shoes must have metal in them!"
heyyyyy!!!! there's an idea! we probably should have thought about that before my feet were nearly ripped off my ankles! lol. 

anyway. it was funny....

.... funny, until i was in there for much longer than 20 minutes.... 
i didn't have a clock anywhere near me, or one that i could see.... and even if i had one close to me, it wasn't like i could move to look at it anyway....
but even without watching a clock, i knew it was much longer than 20 to 25 minutes.... 

it's funny how when someone asks you if you have to go to the bathroom, or to scratch any itches before you go into this tube.... you pause for a second, (seeing if you have to go to the bathroom) "nope i'm good....."  
(pause for another second to see if anything itches)....
nope, good there too....
then you get inside the tube.... classical music playing in my ears.... this will be okay.... don't have to go to the bathroom.... nothing itches still....

and then it's like all of a sudden.... you find yourself asking yourself "is that an itch i feel on my nose? it IS an itch on my nose." and then it somehow intensifies by like 10 million because you can't scratch it.... but really! how often does your nose itch when you're NOT told to NOT move? it NEVER itches when you CAN scratch it.... lame, but hilarious how that works! 

after all this time, my tailbone is hurting SOOOOO bad! i tried not to focus on it.... 
but i've learned that the more you try NOT to focus on something, the more you focus on it.... so instead of trying to NOT focus on THAT, i tried focusing on other things.... like what i still needed to accomplish that day.... there was classical music playing in the headphones that were tightly SUCTIONED to my ears.... and although it was playing to kinda "drown out" the sound of the LOUD machine, all i could seem to hear was the LOUD machine.... and even though i was trying to focus on everything BUT my sore tailbone, somehow, my sore tailbone was all i could think about. it was getting more and more sore with every passing second. i said "hello?" thinking that maybe she'd be able to hear me.... there was nothing.
no response.
"shoot!" i thought.... what am i going to do?
i'm about to move here in a second and then what? 
what if they have to start it all over again?
then i'd just leave.
no.
seriously.
i'd just leave.
a few minutes later, (even though it felt like a few HOURS later), she asks, "are you doing okay?" 
i answered, "um, can i move? just a little bit? i GOTTA get off my tailbone!"
she said, "no."
i said, "well i'm going to. it hurts REALLY bad!!! i gotta get off my tailbone."
she said, "well don't move side to side. you can slightly lift up, but not too much."
so i did.... just lifted up.... just a tad, and then back down.. and all the while, all the pain that my body could possibly feel, seemed to somehow travel RIGHT to my tailbone and continue intensifying by the millisecond....
i could feel my eyes well up....
and then a tear rolled down my cheek.
HOW EMBARRASSING i thought!
my stomach was turning! 
the pain was getting so intense i thought i was going to vomit all over this waaaaaay expensive machine!
and i thought "what'll they do then? start over?"
haha. mean, right?
i wasn't TRYING to make myself sick, i was just feeling sick from the pain.
oh man.... it sucked. there was just no other way to say it.... it sucked!!!!

i couldn't help but think about why this was taking so long! i'd thought about a few things i'd gone through in my life.... a few things that i'd experienced with family.... a few things i'd experienced with patients.... none of them were positive thoughts.... 

how STUPID of me.... sitting here.... beginning to sweat inside this stupid MRI tube (which i'm sure everything will be fine with me) but i started getting all emotional.....
maybe it was just because my tailbone was hurting so bad. i have no idea, but whatever it was, i just felt sad.... 

and so i let myself sit there and feel sad....
for about 10 minutes max....
sucked it up, and got out of there as fast (well it was actually kinda slow) as i could....
i couldn't hardly walk after that. 
the lady had said, "sorry it took so long, i had to make a few different cuts through the uterus."
my instinct was to say something like, "am i bleeding?" 
but i didn't.... i just said, "oh.. okay."

needless to say.... i'll know more about the results this week.... 
i'm sure i'll be fine.

i guess the moral of the story is....
just show up to your MRI in your pajamas... and slippers.... and tell them to turn up the music volume louder than whatever it is they have it set on.... try to count sheep or something.... do something to make yourself fall asleep.... 

well, i guess the real moral of the story is that there really was no moral to the story.... it was just me venting....
again.... =)

needless to say....

i got the boots. =)  yay!!! =)   

Thursday, November 12, 2009

the mind of a selfish, controlling, single mother....

so, it was never really like to me talk about the problems i've had....
heck, i guess that's part of the problem, was not being able to SEE the problems that i had....
but as you grow and you realize what you've BEEN in your past, (AND present).... it somehow allows you to better your future (AND present).... 

i love that Jason and i are able to laugh most of our disagreements off, because we both know how completely stubborn each of us are.... he absolutely doesn't like depending on people for things, and well, i guess i am just spoiled and kind of really have been my whole life.... 

when i say that i'm spoiled, i don't mean that i was given everything i ever wanted.... i don't mean that i was showered in love and gifts and all of that....  there are a lot of different things i mean by this....

with my father, who lived in Tennessee since I was 7, and San Francisco before that.... he bought me things.... lots of things.... expensive things, especially when i was younger.... when WE were younger.... it was almost his way of expressing his love.... he wouldn't just spend money on you if he didn't care about you. i knew he cared about me, but i also learned to know that money spent was love that was unable to be expressed in other ways.... time would have been nice, but hey, to a 7 year old child, gifts made you happy too.... (temporarily, at least).... i didn't know any different.... i didn't know any better.... 

you learn with age.... and that's the truth.

so here i am.... 26 years old.... wheeling and dealing with my husband about a stinkin pair of boots that i want.... i don't have a lot of shoes.... (okay well maybe to SOME people, i do), but to most people who would look through my "shoe collection," you would say that i'm bland.... boring.... plain.... tomboy.... tennies and flip flops.... that's what i live in.... jeans and flip flops nearly every single day.... and if it's REALLY cold or raining, i'll throw some running shoes on or these super cheap pair of ugg looking boots that i got in Tennessee a few years back, but only because it was raining and i had only taken my flip flops with me.... yeah, i originally bought them thinking they were just for Tennessee and to keep my feet warm, but.... i still wear them nearly 2 years later.... and honestly, they weren't more than $12!!!! soooo.... that kind of gives you a breakdown of my "shoe collection."  i worked at Finish Line (shoe store) for nearly 4 years, and that's where i accumulated most of my shoes.... (which is probably why i have mostly running shoes rather than cute girly shoes).... i am DEFINITELY not a fashionist by ANY means.... in fact, i like cute styles, i just have NO clue how to put them together myself.... i can look at someone and think "oh that's cute." but the second i put an outfit like that on myself, i think "UGH! how disgusting and lame this looks on me!" sooooo, i take it off, and it's never to be seen again.... and then i end up buying something that looks like everything else i already own.... it looks ugly and i end up not liking it and wanting to burn it, along with every other old lady piece of clothing i own.... the only thing i really spend money on are my jeans.... because i wear them so much and it's kind of hard to find a nice, form fitting pair of jeans.... 

well now, 2 kids later, my body's a little different than it's ever been. i USED to complain before, but now, it's by far, the most uncomfortable i've ever been with myself.... i still hurt from all the issues (and surgery, and tailbone issue) since my pregnancy and even after..... i tried to start going on little walks and such, but it would absolutely kick my butt.... i honestly started feeling hopeless and disgusting.... jason swears i look amazing, but i feel like he feels obligated to tell me so.... he said that i just upset him when i think i look terrible when there are "so many women who would give anything to look the way i do." that's great and all, but i'm not talking about other women.... i'm talking about ME and how i feel NOW! 

i had a lot of self worth as a single mom.... and although i didn't realize how much help i had, until now, i still felt pretty darn good about what i was providing.... i worked fulltime (and many extra hours after fulltime). i can remember staying so late one night during our audits, that taylor curled up in a ball under my desk and fell asleep after we had eaten pizza that was delivered to our office (i feel absolutely horribly guilty for this now, but i did what, felt like, had to be done at the time....) it was the only job that i could have that would allow us to live in Irvine with the great schools and such.... 

i often daydream about the day i am able to go back to work and work that hard again.... but jason's fear is 1. i am not physically ready to work the way that i did before.... i can't even go for a nice brisk walk without hurting..... and 2. that once i go back under the high stess i was under before, that it'll come between our marriage. 

it's hard to really zone in and FOCUS on yourself.... although looking back, i was a very selfish person, i felt i was taking care of what needed to be taken care of.... now i do it, but in an entirely different way..... i realize that our children's happiness and our marriage's happiness, is going to come with ME being happy... not just being content, but being HAPPY.... that doesn't mean owning nice big huge things, but it means by truly doing things that are productive. it means being happy for our kids.... being happy for my husband....

so many of us, can and DO tend to focus on the not so great things in our lives, and if we all did and CONTINUE to do that, then we can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be the victims.... it's a lethal way of life.... i sometimes can still catch myself doing that....  if i want a certain something, i can think of all the reasons why it should be that way.... 

AND I WILL START WITH THIS example:

all i could think about was going back to work.... i wanted to work. i wanted to interact with people. i wanted my paychecks. i wanted my commissions. i wanted my starbucks every morning. i wanted to dress up and feel pretty. i wanted to feel like i was contributing to our family, the only way i've ever known how to.... financially.... 

EVERYTHING else went out the window for me. i didn't care that, physically, i wasn't ready to. i didn't care that mentally, i wasn't ready to either.  I didn't have a plan.... and this drove my husband NUTS.... even more than driving Jason nuts, it drove me nuts... WHY did it drive me SO nuts? because i'm a control freak!!!!!!!! i didn't know how long it was going to take for me to get better. i didn't know if or WHEN i'd be able to go back to work.... i still don't. i know mentally, i'm exhausted from, not just being a mother of 2 children, but for physically not being myself since February of this year.... that wipes any person out.... you think you're fully capable of doing everything you did before.... and you don't understand why you can't do it, or when you tap out much sooner than you ever would have before, you feel nearly worthless! IT SUCKS!!!! there's no other way to say it.... it just flat out SUCKS!  mentally, i am used to trying my hardest and being the best at it... at whatever that may be... (usually work related).... i try my hardest to be a great wife, and haven't felt extremely good at it until more recently.... when you pull away from yourself and look at the good of the family.... you tend to feel a lot better....

HOWEVER.... there are times, that i go INTO myself, and AWAY from my codependency ways (of wanting to take care of everyone BUT myself).... maybe it's so that i don't have to pay any attention to myself and all my issues.... i can fix everyone else's and then it somehow indirectly repairs mine.... yeah, well it doesn't work so well that way.... i usually end up getting way too overwhelmed, and i need to learn the balance.... BUT back to my HOWEVER... so there are times where i DO need to pull in to myself and my wants and my needs....  

when i worked, i could buy myself whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted it.... pretty much.... okay, so maybe not really, but when i was SINGLE, i didn't have anyone to "report" to or "consult" with.... sometimes, my selfish ways and tendencies tend to take over, and i feel like i shouldn't have to "report to" somebody about what i want to buy.... HOWEVER, when i look at it more as "consulting with my partner about where our money goes, before it goes there," it makes it a little more "bearable." (is that the proper spelling, because for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem right.) anyway.... we've talked about how we've ideally wanted our finances to be, and we really haven't done all that we should to set up the proper accounts.... however, the SPENDING part isn't too bad.... we just both think that we could probably be saving more if we set it up the way we originally talked about....  

a while back, i had talked to one of my friends.... (they are married, and very happily married) they are actually 2 people who i loved to watch with each other.... i asked how they'd handled certain things and put it in my head that one day, ONE DAY, i would love like they did.... they are just such a happy couple with two hearts just overflowing with love.... they are great with kids, great with friends, great with family.... and especially great with each other.... i loved that about them. anyway, back to my story. i had asked them about their finances, and how they handled that.... they said they NEVER bicker about money, because they set it up early on like this.... they each have their own checking account, and this is where their monthly "allowance" goes into. (say you guys decide on $200 a month, or whatever it is you can afford to have, to pay the bills and still save money.... that $200 may differ.... it may be $500, it may be $100).... out of this account comes the items you want for yourself, maybe a pair of shoes.... maybe it's a birthday or Christmas gift for your partner (and you don't want them to know where you went or how much you spent).... maybe it's a round of drinks or dinner for your friends.... whatever it is when you want to "treat," YOU will really be "treating" (not both of you be treating)....  1 joint checking (where all the money for the bills goes....).... and 1 joint checking (where all the extras after bills and allowance goes).... this way, if you want to purchase something, you can use your own "allowance" money to purchase it.... now IF we had set this up awhile back, i would have the money to purchase these boots that i want.... but we haven't yet done that.... we've been saving.... in our joint savings.... because we want a house.... jason does most of the saving and i do most of the spending.... he NEVER buys anything for himself! i wish he did, but he doesn't care about that kind of stuff.... he'd rather buy stuff for us or save.... (which is the reason we'll eventually be able to purchase a home rather than rent for the rest of our lives).... his "allowance" account would be more like his own personal savings acct, and my "allowance" account would most likely always have a zero balance.... ha! booooo! but anyway.... i found these boots that i liked.... no.... i didn't like them, i REALLY liked them.... i loved them. i wanted them. felt like i had to have them.... because not only did they go cute with my jeans, they were even cuter with the dress i tried them on with.... 

THIS, now THIS was going to make me happy! it was going to kind of play out that cute fashion i talked about earlier and how i DIDN'T have it.... (but thanks to the girl at Nordstrom, this cute fashion i had in mind was actually kinda coming to life!... so THANKS girl at Nordstrom!!!) =) anyway... the price tag on the boots were $229.95.... *gasp* yeah, i know, right? NEVER before would i have imagined ever spending money like that on shoes, but i honestly don't ever find shoes that i'm like "okay, i gotta have those." these boots, went with more than one outfit.... i could see how i could wear them with a bunch of other ones, and so i finally decided that these were the ones i'd wanted.... these $230 boots.... 

i didn't even want to TELL jason that i'd found boots i wanted, because i knew the first question would be, "how much are they?"  i knew he would laugh when i told him how much they were.... he said, "yeah... pssssh. that's crazy."  anyway.... being that there isn't anything i DON'T tell him, i told him anyway... and yes, he thought i was absolutely insane for wanting a pair of boots, which he broke down to $115 per boot.... and completely not worth it.... 

we wheeled and dealed and laughed and joked about these ridiculously priced boots.... but i still wanted them.... and i still didn't have them.... but would buying these $230 boots really make me happy? or would i feel guilty? like i shouldn't have spent this money on myself.... i should be saving it for our house.... would $230 really make or break our house? well every little bit helps, right?   ohhhh whatever.... i think that part of my wanting the boots so bad is that he doesn't want me to have them.... that's the truth! i REALLY want these boots, but i probably want them 10 times as bad because he doesn't want me to have them.... he wants me to "learn" how to want something without always getting it.... BUUUUURN!!!! i don't want to WANT something and to NOT get it.... but i guess i should kinda practice what i preach to my daughter, right? 

anyway.... to make a long story short.... my mind goes in to this whole thinking process thing about, if i lied to my dr and said i felt fine and went back to work and had my OWN money coming in, i could buy my OWN boots with my OWN money.... but the reality of it is, is that if i had THAT much more money coming in, we should be saving it and would probably would be actually purchasing a home rather than waiting until i'm completely healed and better and heading back to work and actually working again.... did that make any sense?

okay.... so anyway.... i just want to be better already.... boots or no boots.... 

i'd also like to say that i am GRATEFUL for my husband for helping me to step outside the mind of a selfihs, controlling, single mother.... =)

.... but i still want those boots....

Monday, November 9, 2009

the leaves change..... and so do i.

Fall is here.... 
the colors go from green, to brown....
the leaves fall from the trees.... 
and crunch on the ground....
the windows are fogged in the morning.....
and my truck is all wet.
my seat is cold when i get inside, 
and even the seatbelt strap sends chills over me when i buckle myself in....
and it's like a morning routine....
to roll the windows down and back up again....
to turn on the windshield wipers.... once or twice....
now i can see....
now i can go....
now i can move ahead....
forward.... 

it's funny what a season can do to you....
the leaves change, and so i must.
why doesn't summer make me feel that way?
why does summer just make me want to sit poolside with a glass of sweet iced tea and sunglasses on.... 
why doesn't summer make me want to be productive?

oh for whatever reason it doesn't.... maybe just this year, especially, because all i could worry about was having a baby.

so anyway.... here i am.... with all these dreams i want to make come alive....
all these ideas just going crazy to come to life.... really!!!!
which one do i start with?
will it be the right one?
should i start another one first?
what do i do? i don't know!!!!
i don't like not knowing!
that's so hard for me!!!!
i have learned to pray and give it over to God to handle.... 
but i've yet to have a peaceful answer as to what i should do first.... 

so as for now.... i've scribbled a mess down on some paper.... on this yellow lined, and spiral bound notebook.... 

a few bills paid today. some laundry's in the washer, now to get into taylor's room.... 
i need to throw away bags and bags of trash and goodwill stuff.... because when we move again, i'm not moving the junk.... that is still a few months away, but those few months will creep up on me, i know.... i can't wait for more room.... i can't wait for a yard.... so until then, i am thankful for all that we have. for this beautiful home that we were able to live in for 7 months now.... i'm thankful for a great school for taylor to attend.... for the safety of our neighborhood, and being so close to my mom and pat.  i'm so grateful that i have an amazingly wonderful husband who looks after us with SO much love.... 

and so, i am looking forward.... 
out of my wet windshield.... wipers going.... i can see a little more clearly....
rolled down all the windows.... they're still wet.... and a little foggy, but they're clearer than before.... 

so here we go, love and craziness and all.... here we go.... 

the leaves change.... and so must i.... 
and so i will....
change.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

carpool confusion....

so, this is probably one of my biggest confusions and pet peeves....
i thought the point of the carpool lane was to "encourage" people to drive with 2 or more people.... and as a "reward" for doing so, you are able to drive faster (than the normal lanes), right?

WRONG!

time and time and time again, i see buses.... BIG buses.... motorhomes.... in the carpool lane.... okay, we get it.... you guys have more than one person in your beast of a vehicle.... but you are HOLDING UP traffic.... so why don't you just get OUT of the carpool lane and go slow OUTSIDE of the carpool lane rather than going slow INSIDE the carpool lane.... 

then you have the people who drive with 2 or more people in their regular vehicles, be it a compact car, suv, full size luxury vehicle.... they have 2 people in it, so they think they are just automatically supposed to drive in the carpool lane.... NO FOLKS!!!! that's not how it works!!!! you get into the carpool lane to go faster than regular traffic.... IF you want to drive with the rest of the traffic, or slower, then stay in the regular traffic.... okay?!

i'm sorry.... i had to vent this.... this happens to me EVERY single tuesday i drive out to long beach and it just urks me to no end! 
patience patience patience.... i know. ;)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Construction Production....

so, i've been in a bit of a slump lately, mentally....
if there isn't something to complain about, i'll find something to complain about....
you say it's purple, i'll say it's turquoise....
that's just how i've been....
and i don't want to be.
and i don't mean to be, but my goodness, if i'm going to be miserable, i'm dragging everyone down with me.... 
subconsciously, of course.
NEVER would i do that intentionally....
and that's the truth....
so i've been sitting here thinking about what i can change to make my life better.
well i DON'T want to, nor will i ever, change my husband. 
i DON'T want to change my hair (i need to let it actually grow out, because i'm quite confident my hair cut was inspired by the new jack in the box commercial.)
i DO, however, want to change my clothes. my wardrobe. oooooo that would be nice.
i WOULD love to get back into my small group that i was attending at church, and go every thursday morning again.
i want to work out nearly every single day. 
although my weight is back to normal, i still feel like my stomach needs to tighten back up. 
i guess that's just where i need to start with the things that i DO want, rather than what i do not.... stating all my don't wants isn't going to get me very far.... but it sure will get me negative.... and down in the dumps.... 

so here begins the building of my productivity.... everyday, i will find something productive to do. not just something small, but maybe a few small things.... a big thing, maybe a few big things.... whatever it may be, i need to do it.... and do it consistently.... cooking more.... saving money.... all that good stuff.... =)  

many thanks to my lovely husband for just being simply amazing. ;)  LOVE THAT MAN! =)

now off to be productive.... ;)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Operation Pumpkin Delivery... a success!!!! =)

so we met Lisa (child life specialist) and Fran (volunteer) at Mission Hospital today to deliver the pumpkins and cards (thank you Mrs Highland's class). Because of the H1N1, we couldn't get onto the pediatric floor, which we already knew in advance. Lisa spent some time talking to Taylor and letting her know how greatly they appreciated this! It was great!

Here is Lisa, Taylor, Fran and the pumpkins! =)



Here is Taylor sad to say goodbye to our truck full of pumpkins.... 


Immediately, she began thinking of other ideas for the holidays to come.... 

It's great to be a part of something outside of your own lives.... to give a little.

Thank you to everyone who made this possible! 
Sharon, Toni, Mrs Highland, and Mom! =)

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!  

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

the truth is....

the truth is....
nothing on earth is perfect, but commitment is.
true commitment. 
permanent commitment is about as perfect as you will find here on earth....

i'd be lying if i said everything in my life is perfect.
it's not.
it's hard.
and we work at it every single day.
having two children is hard.
being a wife is even harder.
being out on disability from early on in my pregnancy, and a wife and a mom is probably the hardest....
the hardest i've had it in a long time.

there are very many things in this day and age that i have come to want to change.
i WANT to learn to cook more.
i WANT to be a lot more organized and not so scatter-brained.
i WANT to be a better mother, wife, person, and follower of God.
I want to be a better woman.
and so i work at it.

many men in this world are fixers. 
they're pleasers and they want to make their partner, girlfriend, wife, whatever.... happy!
they can do this for a while.... they can buy her things and talk sweet to her and do nice things, but it only goes so far if they aren't taking care of themselves as well.

i never thought i'd say this in my lifetime, but a happy husband makes for a happy wife and vice versa! VICE VERSA!!!!! it works both ways!  many women just want to make their husbands happy too! men aren't the only ones!!!!

If people would give this (alone) up, i think so many more people would be a heck of a lot happier.  you know the rule on the airplane, before you take off.... how the flight attendants tell you, "should we lose pressure in the cabin, and oxygen is needed, please put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others."  (or whatever it is exactly that they say).... the point is, is that if you lose consciousness, what good are you to help anyone else? right? i mean, it's common sense....  acts of kindness are great, when they are just that.... acts of kindness.... no expectations. no expected response, other than genuinely wanting to make the other person know that they are loved, respected, admired, appreciated, or whatever else your message or point is.  if the sole purpose is to "MAKE" the other person happy, you've missed the sincerity all together. 

i know this is probably coming out completely different (and probably even not making much sense) than it was in my head, but i am trying to make it make sense....

a woman should not hold a man responsible for her happiness.... she cannot lose herself in a relationship, or a friendship or a marriage. she should not lose herself.... EVER!  

and vice versa.... YES women, VICE VERSA!

a man cannot hold a woman responsible for his happiness.... he cannot lose himself in a relationship, friendship, or a marriage, or anything else.... he should not lose himself.... EVER!!!!

anyone who really knows me, knows that i've spent VERY little time AND/OR effort in the kitchen.... EVER! no matter who wanted me to do what, i didn't care. i wasn't getting in the kitchen for A-N-Y-O-N-E! (NOT EVEN MYSELF!) HATED the kitchen!!! it was honestly my enemy. anything i attempted, i pretty much failed (with the exception of brownies).... other than that, it was a complete failure....

now, more than ever, i actually try being in the kitchen, and cooking, and i TRY new recipes, and coming up with things that will go good together, rather than putting a meal together like i used to (IF i cooked). if i cooked, sometimes it was a quesadilla, and some good ol' grands biscuits and maybe a hot dog without a bun.... yeah those 3 things together would be a meal of mine.... whatever was in the fridge and fast and easy to make.... i was all over it.

there are a few different reasons i actually try more now.... 1. because it saves money and saving money is important to both jason and i. 2. because it's healthier (usually) than eating fast food all the time. 3. because i haven't been cleared to go back to work yet, and i am home all day, and try to find things that will make me feel better as a person. i want to find things that i will enjoy and also find things that will help me in the future.... just make me feel good. cooking for my family, and saving money at the same time.... that makes me feel good.

i've watched my stepmother over many MANY years and how much she cared for and nutured my father.... i've watched my mom and my stepfather together and although it is not my mom waiting on my stepfather the same way my stepmother nutured my father, it is a different sort of give and take.... my mom cooks now more than she probably ever has before, because she can. because she has the time and she enjoys it. she worked her bum off to raise us 3 girls with the lifestyle she gave us.... there are things i take from both types of relationships that i like and dislike. i like to watch other people and learn from their ways.... something i have learned from Sharon ( my stepmom), is to love the Lord.  i'm sure many of you out there are thinking "yeah yeah." i know! that was me at one point too!!! but loving Him, makes you a much better person inside.... you live with an entirely different purpose in life. to do good. to serve Him. to love your family. to help people when you can. you reach out. fellowship.... you have mercy on other people and rub out their sin rather than rub it in!!!! 

i never understood that! i would rub it in. i would nag. i would complain. (i still find myself complaining more than i'd like) but i've also learned to accept a lot more than i probably ever would even think about accepting before.... and by accepting i don't mean, "hurt me. continue to hurt me.... please." by accepting, i mean, "do i have control of that? no. how would i LIKE to react to that? what is my ultimate goal in this situation? in this lifetime? in this world?" my ultimate goal is to LOVE. it's to Love, to forgive, to spread His word, and His love and to impact the lives i am in.... i am to find what i am good at, and to do it.... 

the truth is, that marriage is not perfect. i'd be lying if i said it was. but neither is anything else. when you commit to someone and set the boundaries.... the absolute "not okays".... the bottom line.... when you BOTH set the bottom lines.... and don't cross each others bottom lines.... when you continue to find a way to communicate through your differences (because trust me, there will be many).... when you find a way to continuously remind each other, peacefully, of your long term goals.... together, it's possible. it is possible, together!!!!

i love jason because i CHOOSE to love Jason. 
I love Jason because i WANT to love Jason, not because i have to. 
not because i married him and feel like these things are things i HAVE to do....
i CHOOSE to do them. 
i want to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better follower of God. 
i haven't ever felt that way for anyone before. 
i've TRIED to love before Jason. 
i've tried to force love that wasn't the kind of love i wanted it to be.
i tried.
but never have i felt the way i do about him, with anyone else before.
i am a passionate person, with a passionate heart about many things....
the same passion that allows me to love, is the same passion that allows me to cry....

i felt a little bit lost last night, and read Psalm 30 before bed....
"... weeping may remain for a night, 
but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5 NIV) (thank you Mimi for sharing this one a while ago.... I remembered it last night and went straight to it)

i wake up this morning to find my daily devotional about being reluctant to show mercy.

"In Biblical fellowship, people will experience mercy.  Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice.

We all need mercy, because we all stumble and fall and require help getting back on track.  We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other.

It's impossible to have biblical fellowship without forgiveness because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship.

The Bible says, "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." (Colossians 3:13 NLT).

The mercy God shows us is the motivation for us to show mercy to others. Whenever you're hurt by someone, you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution?

You can't do both.

Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past.  Trust has to do with future behavior.

Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. "

and so i leave on this....

"when people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair." (2 Corinthians 2:7 CEV)....

being a friend, a TRUE friend.... being a girlfriend, a dedicated girlfriend.... being a wife, a committed wife.... being a mother, a follower of God.... is not easy. it's just not. but when you are COMMITTED in anything that you do, the results are awesome, amazing, beautiful, heartwarming.... and the list goes on.... Trust me, if nothing else i say to you in this life, that when you LOVE God, and stay committed in everything that you do, your end results are all worth it.... every single one of them.... never said they were easy, but they sure are worth it....

Amen.