Tuesday, January 26, 2010

to all you "Haiters...." Part 2. (read the original one first)


Go google "earthquake in haiti images"....

so maybe i didn't get my point across the first time.

but after reading people's ignorant and thoughtless comments and posts about how "shameful" it is that America is helping Haiti in their time of need, I felt compelled to write about this again....

so, i apologize in advance for offending anyone, but maybe you should give it a shot and think it through a little more before jumping the gun and agreeing with such a RACIST and SELFISH comment.

one post said this:

Shame on you America--the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment - yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations. 99% of people won't have the guts to copy and repost this

i mean REALLY??!! come on!!!! This may sound good on paper, and at a quick glance, it may even sound like something worth agreeing with.... until you actually put a little bit of thought into it.

have you ever sat at an "admitting" desk in a hospital? or tried reading any of the signs posted in a hospital? there are RIGHTS that WE as AMERICANS have.... we will NOT be turned away from ANY hospital because of insurance or lack there of. if a homeless person walks into a hospital, complaining of pain, it is OUR DUTY and OBLIGATION as an AMERICAN to tend to this "patient," this HUMAN BEING, for their pain (whether self-induced, imaginary, or even if they are a drug seeking patient) we are OBLIGATED to assess and tend to their needs and health. NO SINGLE HUMAN BEING deserves to suffer through ANYTHING!!!! If you've read my previous blogs ("lumpy love" to be more specific), you'll know that I stand behind my belief 150%, to the point that i will put my cheek to a homeless man's cheek and hold his hand while he passes away.... NO ONE, deserves to suffer and NO ONE deserves to suffer ALONE!

Americans forget that we have resources unlike any other country.... Haiti being one of the least fortunate countries on this planet!!! the people in Haiti didn't ask for this horrible earthquake, nor did they have any control over the happenings.... They are doing everything in their power to help each other. We have husbands and wives of AMERICANS who are over there (AWAY from their families, mind you), putting themselves in DANGER to save these people's lives... they are pulling them out of collapsed buildings, aiding to them, the exact same way they aid to our people here in America.

You know, the really terribly sad thing is that so many people here in America are in the position they are in because of a series of poor personal choices!!! They have chosen drugs and sex and prostitution over anything else, and that is why they are exactly where they are. MIND YOU, i KNOW there are many people who cannot help the position they are in, but WE HAVE THE RESOURCES HERE FOR THEM!!!! HAITI DOES NOT!!!! WHY do you think welfare was created? It was created to assist people and getting them back on their feet. Do you think that at 19, I wanted or planned to be a single mother?! Well guess, what?! I didn't!!! Do you think I stepped FOOT into looking into getting welfare? NO! and why not?! because of it's horrible reputation. instead i went back to work when Taylor was 5 and a half weeks old, so that I wouldn't have to "collect welfare." Many Americans lack ACCOUNTABILITY and RESPONSIBILITY.... we probably have more excuses than ANYONE else in any other country....

Have you watched the news? It sickens me and saddens me and fills me with joy all at the same time. There are still people out there who are grateful for the things they have. Have you watched those Haitians jump for joy with their arms in the air when someone is pulled out of the debri? Glory be to God and our people for helping those less fortunate!!!! Glory be to God that there are still people out there who want to be a part of something bigger than themselves and give when and where they can give!!!

These people sure are quick to shame America for assisting other countries.... for giving selflessly, and helping WHEN THAT IS WHAT WE ALL SHOULD DO!!!! I wonder what they're doing to assist ANYONE for that matter.... not just the Haitians, but those people who go to bed hungry, those homeless, elderly and mentally ill people they speak of....

So instead of bashing America for doing everything in their power to HELP another country BECAUSE WE CAN, why don't you stand PROUD to be a part of a country who is not nearly as selfish as yourself....

Sunday, January 24, 2010

downtown nights.

BREAKING NEWS! it's been raining in southern cali this past week.
this past entire week.
ya'll didn't know that, now did ya?
talk about not letting up.
talk about cabin fever.
talk about horrible ugly days.
and an "adjusted" work schedule (for jason)....

this past week, he has pretty much been working nights....
the regular team being there during the days, and he would go in anywhere from 3 to 5 and work until whenever.... i think the latest he came home was close to 3 am maybe....
his first night out there alone was a memorable one, and very much the reason why i don't like him working in such a crummy area.... ESPECIALLY.... at night....

so he goes onsite around 6 ish and gets things set up in the trailer.... he had gotten everything about as situated as it could be.... he decided to call it a night, (which wasn't bad) it was only about 10 pm. on his drive home, he'd realized he'd forgotten something, and called me and said he had to head back onsite.... *sigh* .... i was at my mom's and had planned on coming home, then decided i should stay the night, then decided against that, being that our dog would need some company so she wouldn't be scared (aaaaand, she would probably have to be let out again before the night's end).... so we headed home.... well michelle drove us home (did i totally leave out the part about the lump getting cut out of my arm and the meds and all that?) anyway, that's why she drove.... because i couldn't. i'll get back to that at a later time.

so i get home and get settled, and get a call from jason. it was a good thing he went back. there was a power pole floating.... there was rain everywhere and the fence was knocked over and the sidewalk was about to give way.... soooo, he had to call in carpenters for help. they got the power shut off to that pole. they were out on the sidewalk messing with the dirt and fence, when they were surrounded by not just one dog, but EIGHT of them.... a pack of them.... in downtown LA.... 4 of them were pitbulls, 2 were german shepards and the other 2 were mutts.... they completely surrounded jason and the carpenter. jason said all he could think about was how he was gonna get out of the situation.... EIGHT dogs! i mean really? that's something you'd see on Lady and the Tramp or something.... anyway.... the dogs began barking back and forth at each other. the carpenter grabbed his hammer and told jason to grab something. all jason had was a wooden stake. yeah, some good that would do....
"oooo, get away from me you big ferocious beast, or i'm gonna beat you with this stake that you'll probably snap in half of a bite!" yeah, that sounded like a great idea.... but what other option did he have? he couldn't hop a fence that wasn't upright to begin with....
anyway, whatever the dogs barked back and forth to each other, led them away.... together....
Both men were paranoid after that.... shoot, I would have been too!!!

at some point during the night (i think before all this dog mess), jason was onsite alone, and heard a man and woman yelling and screaming at each other on the other side of the fence. the boyfriend proceeded to throw all of the woman's belongings over the fence and onto his jobsite. mind you, this job site is so unsafe, they have "infra-red" (sp?) security. The security guard stays inside a little tower like place and whenever someone comes onto the property, their heat lights up on the screen and the security is supposed to call the police IMMEDIATELY! well, either the security guard is color blind, or fell asleep, or was just M.I.A, because somehow that crazed woman made it over the fence and somehow managed to find jason. she was crying hysterically and asking him for help. now those of you who know my husband, know that he wouldn't just leave this woman nor would he call the cops, but instead he helped her. he called a cab, gave the guy 10 bucks and told the driver to take her as far away as he could with the 10 bucks....

me, being me, automatically thinks, "first of all, how did the lady make her way onto your jobsite without the cops being called? so much for that stupid 'security system' they have! what a waste!" then i felt scared..... thinking, "really?! that is what he has to go through.... for work?!" i mean come on!!!! but.... he doesn't complain.... bums pooping on sheets of paper and putting them on the electrical outlets.... loose pit bulls roaming the streets at all hours of the days.... and nights.... loose PACKS OF DOGS roaming the streets.... gangsters standing in front of houses all tatted up, just waiting for you to "wear the wrong color.".... man! i mean REALLY! what job have you ever had where there is a strict color dress code because of the possibility of offending the surrounding gangs?! really?! seriously?!

ugh. it turned my stomach.... i didn't want him to go back.... EVER! but of course, the very next night, he had to go back.... only these nights weren't nearly as bad as the first....

so when you complain about your job, think about this story.... or think about the many people who don't have jobs.... many of the people who are getting let go from all that they know.... at least you're not dodging wild dogs and floating power poles.... but then i thought about how the military wives (and husbands) must feel.... their husbands and/or wives are out there, gone for days.... in an entirely different country.... dodging bullets, and bombs.... and they can't even call home.... UGH!!!

i guess it really is true.... it could always be worse....

.... but i still don't want my husband in that kind of area.... at all!! especially at night!!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

to all you "Haiters...."

so the NP (nurse practitioner) who saw me on Tuesday night was off to Haiti in just an HOUR after she finished taking care of me. she was leaving in just ONE hour!!!! she was off to Haiti to help in the aid of those poor, poor people who have nothing after that horrible tragedy.

this is one of those topics that people will and DO disagree with and fight about and argue about and have very mixed feelings about.... oh well. here i go anyway....

so, i am a strong believer, that when you CAN help, you should. as long as you are not overgiving and not taking care of yourself in the meantime.... do not let someone take advantage of you, but give when you can.

many people feel that "we have people here who need help, and yet others are still flying to haiti to help other countries.... why not help our people first?"

that sounds reasonable enough.... but do you look or think or feel any further than that "surfaced," or "generalized," statement? i mean come on!!!! Yes, there are many people here who could probably benefit very much from some assistance, but there are also very many of them who have the aid possible.... any person can walk into a hospital and cannot be denied treatment... we HAVE the treatment here and it's readily available!!!

a lot of our homeless society is due to a lot of terrible personal choices and decisions.... drug addictions mainly, but there are very many others, and a lot of people truly cannot help their status. the mental capacity and ability to further themselves just isn't where it needs to be. maybe they were born that way.... and although i am a terribly compassionate person, i find it extremely difficult to feel sorry for the people who have HAD the opportunity to do something with themselves, go through rehab, quit drugs, attend free therapy sessions, things like that, and they STILL choose the drugs.... they have no money for clothes, or food, but boy do they find a way to find money for drugs or booze.... it's a matter of what is important in your life.... life is all about the decisions you make and many are so far gone, they only do what they know....

what an ACCOUNTABILITY issue!!! everyone wants to point the blame elsewhere for the poor decisions they have made.
"oh it's because my mother did this."
"it's because my father abandoned me."
"it's because my parents did drugs."
"i was molested."
"so and so did this" and
"so and so did that."
"i have a disorder that causes me to need drugs,"
"or sex,"
"or love,"
or whatever the heck it is.... THOSE THINGS MAY BE TRUE.... THOSE UNFORTUNATE, EXTREMELY UNFORTUNATE mishappenings may have reallllly happened to you, and for that i am EXTREMELY sorry for that!!!! i am!!!! but when do people hold themselves accountable for the wrong decisions they have made? huh? when do people stop and say, "yes, those horrible horrible things have happened to me, but i don't want them to consume me and i don't want my life to continue in that direction. I AM RESPONSIBLE for the decisions i make?" does anyone say that?? i don't know! Here in America, we have the hospitals nearly everywhere!!! we have doctors. we have bloodbanks. we have surgical rooms, instruments and supplies. does Haiti? do other 3rd world countries have those? no... NO they don't!!!!
a drug seeking bum can walk into a hospital with NO insurance and complain of horrible pain, sign a paper saying he will pay for his care, and be given all the "drugs" needed to get him through a withdrawal, or give him a warm bed to sleep in for the night. or a place to shower.... you see, we, in America have that chance.... we are THAT fortunate.... so when these doctors and nurses pay for the instruments and things to be shipped (including themselves), over to Haiti to help those poor helpless Haitians, we need to re-think a lot of things....

YES, (agreed) our society is in a horrible recession/position right now. MANY people have lost their homes, and it's a very unfortunate thing. could any of this have been prevented? people, we must look at living within our means.... instead of always going above and beyond.... so many people thought that because they could be approved for such a high loan amount that they could "afford" it rather than thinking about "what might happen if i lost their job? do i have any savings as a back up? what happens if this 'variable' loan interest rate goes up? what happens then?" i'm not entirely up to date and caught up with all the terms and topics and i surely don't know a whole lot about politics and all that (no matter how hard i try to follow, i still come up short) but i do know one thing.... it saddens me that some people can be SO selfish in saying that we have people here who need help. it's true. we do have people here who may very well need help. but there is so much more help available to people who are in the US than anywhere else....

when i worked in the hospital, do you know how many women/children would come over from mexico JUST before giving birth, because they KNEW they could deliver here? they wanted their child to have a much better chance than they would anywhere else.... people know that.... and that is why they come here.... i'm not being a racist or prejudice. i am sharing the information i, myself, was told by many of women who came through the hospital....

so to my nurse practitioner, who finished slicing and dicing under my arm, i commend you, and everyone you recruited to go with you to help something WAY bigger than yourself.... for facing something you had no idea what you were going to be facing, but using your money and your talent and putting it towards a wonderful cause.... just because they don't have it, doesn't mean they should go without it.... No one, NO ONE, deserves to suffer.... not a homeless person, not a Haitian.... especially not when someone, (maybe even YOU) could do something to help....

.... that's all i have to say about that....

night #2 painfully boring. night # 3 incision and drain.

so night #2 was a little less uneventful. slept a little better (even though Lewie slept in our room). I have this horrible fear that he's going to go off in the middle of the night and wake up taylor before he wakes either one of us up.... so i kept him in our room.... ugh. I need to just put him in the room and be done with it.... i don't want a spoiled brat who only sleeps with me and no where else, because that kind of feels like that is what i'm creating. and i mean this in the nicest way possible. i don't hate my child. i love him dearly, but it is VERY different when much of your time (okay so all of it) is spent at home, caring for your child. they become very used to ONLY you, which, in turn, makes it extremely difficult for everyone else (especially yourself) when they ONLY want YOU! 

so, if you've followed, i've had this lump under my arm, that started out as a tiny little pebble sized lump ohhh sometime last week or so... actually before that, but i finally went to the dr last week for it, because it was so painful. anyway, he thought it could be treated with antibiotics and it would go away.... and low and behold, the thing grew.... not just doubled in size, it was like DISGUSTINGLY huge and disturbing, not to mention EXTREMELY painful, BUT my dr had said to finish the medication and if a few days after the medication it still hadn't gone away, THEN call him.... well, i still had 3 days left of the meds.... i couldn't wait another day. it hurt too bad. i called him and he said, "well it might be a resistant bacteria. i'm going to switch the antibiotics. try the new ones out for 48 hours and call me if it doesn't get any better." i kinda "challenged" him a bit. "don't you think you should at least take a look at it? it's HUGE!"  he didn't seem to think he needed to see it.... until i at least TRIED the new medications.... anyway. jason goes and gets the meds on his way home from work. i started them immediately. 

night #3 comes.... tuesday night.... horrible night. ugh.

taylor isn't feeling well at all.... begins crying and almost screaming "mommy help me. ouch mommy"  she was in pain.... i put a call in to the dr to see if there was anything i could do to relieve her pain until the morning when i could take her into the dr.... but the pain just kept getting progressively worse. her cries were louder. i couldn't STAND to hear her in so much pain. i got her dressed and told jason i was taking her to urgent care.  it had to be done. so off to urgent care we went at 8 pm, down to costa mesa, because that one would see children until 9 pm.  we got there, they ran some tests and sure enough, she was sick. they knew she needed medicine, so the dr wrote a prescription and told us to go fill it at cvs which was very close by, BUT before i left, i asked her, "can i ask you to look at this lump I have under my arm, and tell me what you think it might be? it has more than quadrupled in size and it hurts so bad it's making me physically ill."  she puts on a glove and grabs this baseball sized lump and says, "okay, do you have a husband at home or someone who can watch the kids tonight?" i said, "yes."  she said, "okay, i don't mean to alarm you but you need to go to the ER tonight. like... NOW. don't wait." i asked what she thought it could be. she explained that it needed to be drained immediately before it spread in to my blood and infected my entire body.... okay. sounded fair enough to me. too bad they wouldn't do it in the urgent care office. probably would've been a lot cheaper.... i explained to her our new insurance, and she said, "let me put it this way, it'll be a lot cheaper for them to cut it out tonight, then for your hospitalization when it spreads to your bloodstream."  OKAY! fair enough! to the ER we go. ha!
came home. jason wanted to go with me. mind you, he had been up since 2 am, and it was now 10 pm.  melissa and dustin came over to watch movies while our kiddos slept, and we were in the ER by 11 ish. surprisingly didn't have to wait too long. dr came in and looked and felt and said it needed to come out right then. explained what she would do and how she would cut it open and get all that she could get out of there and so on and so forth and then she would pack the incision with gauze to let it continue to drain for a few days and then have the packing removed. UGH! talk about make my stomach turn. there are a lot of things i can take, but talking about slicing open ME, and packing MY OPEN WOUND with gauze just makes me a tad bit ill feeling.... anyway.... gave me some pain meds. attempted to "numb" the area, which pretty much did not feel numb at all. i did not feel the ENTIRE incision, but i believe i felt every single thing she did post incision.  everytime she would get in there to PUSH and squuuueeze on my arm, i felt like i was going to pass out. my chest hurt sooo bad, i couldn't breathe. my heart got all funky and i seriously couldn't breathe. she called for someone, i remember that, and i remember jason calling my name over and over again. i tried telling him i was okay, but my chest hurt.  i just remember them counting and lifting and moving me and pushing me in to some other room where they hooked me up to another heart machine to monitor my heart.... MAN it hurt!!!! they had to stabilize all that before they could continue.... i guess what they concluded was that the lump was so big, it was pressing against nerves and an artery that was going to my heart.... as sooon as she hit the BIG part of the lump, and got blood out of it, it was almost like i could instantly breathe again.... the pressure on my chest almost IMMEDIATELY went away.... it still hurt, but it wasn't as excruciating as it had been just seconds before.... poor poor jason. i HATE him being RIGHT there when i have anything medical going on. the last thing i want to do is to scare him, but he is definitely the person i want there for my comfort... kind of a catch 22 , right?

anyway.... arm is wrapped. we were sent on our way.... got home and to bed shortly after 4 am.... poor honey, awake for 26 hours! ugh!

going tomorrow for them to fix it up and pull out that nice "packing." yum. can't wait for that. 

on a MUCH brighter note, our dr, (actually nurse practitioner) was leaving for a trip sometime soon. i gathered that much from the nurses coming in and out prior to the "surgery" and while they were wrapping me up.... i asked, "where are you going?"  she said "i'm going to haiti."  i said, "oh wow. how wonderful. do you have any children?"  she said she didn't, and that was why she was going....  what a wonderful thing to be doing.  which leads me into my next blog.....

Monday, January 18, 2010

night #1...

It's raining. No, in fact it began pouring down last night.... 
We still had to move a few boxes from my truck into the house.  So Jason's standing in the garage as I ran out to get this big blanket that I used to drape over me (and whatever I was bringing into the house). As i'm standing in between our trucks, he asks, "what's that on my tire?"  I looked at him pointing to the tire, and bent over to take a closer look. It looked like a leaf, so as i reached down and almost grabbed this "leaf" i realized it had 4 legs.... it was a FROG on his tire!!!! I squealed (yes, like a pig) and jumped back. he was laughing hysterically!!! he said, "now why would you go and touch it? all i asked was what it was...." and he was just laaaaaaughing so hard at me.  i imagined my dad telling me to do that.... because that's something he would have done. i said to jason, "you did that on purpose, didn't you? you knew it was a frog, and you wanted me to touch it." he said he didn't, so i believed him.... sort of.....

Inside the house, our ceilings aren't as tall in this house as they were in our condo, so maybe that's why the rain sounds so much louder. Because it's closer. I'm not yet familiar with everyone's noises yet and where they're coming from, or even what they are, but I talk minimally so that I can hear every.... Single.... Sound.... The house is all laminate flooring except for the tiles in the kitchen and the brand new carpet in the bedrooms. (Well 2 of the 3 bedrooms, that is).... It's cold. And I don't dare want to turn the heater on, for fear of what our first gas bill will be.... Jason put together our bed with just a tabletop lamp, minus the lampshade, last night. The bed is too far from the wall, so we'll need to push the headboard closer, but we were far too tired last night to even move an inch. The dressers (minus the drawers), are sitting in temporary spots nor are they against the wall. They're diagonal and blocking the slider. boxes of "necessities" (such as jason's work clothes, diapers, etc) are all opened and lying around.  The house is bare, for the most part, and the noises haven't quite settled with me yet.  Am I the only freak who gets into a pretty decent size house, coming from a condo, and freaks out wondering if we've made the right decision?

Not gonna lie, last night when Lewie and I came over here while Jason loaded up his truck, I messed with the key to unlock the front door for a bit, before it finally opened. I was being rained on, and the house was PITCH black. Apparently, I had too much water right before coming over and had to go to the bathroom, but kneeled down next to Lewie and looked around for a bit first. My automatic first response to the house was "it's so big, there are so many places a person can hide," which freaks me out. I think that's why i've always liked smaller places, because everything is there, out in the open. the kitchen, dining room, living room. there aren't all these different rooms and closets.... and if you put dressers and boxes in the closets, then no one can hide in them, right?  yeah, you guys are probably thinking i'm completely insane. well after last night, Jason probably thought I was insane too, if he hadn't already thought that.

Our big windows/sliders don't have any blinds, but they have curtains..... buuuut they don't have blinds.... so i can pull the curtains as closed as i want to, but people could still see in if they wanted to. At night, when the lights are on in the house, I can't see if someone is standing outside my window staring at me, because all i can see is the reflection of myself (which sometimes makes me think that someone is standing directly in front of me).  I especially don't like the thought of SLEEPING, while someone is peeking through a window at us.... ugh!!!! that freaks me out!!! so here i am in the master bedroom, with the 3 piece curtains trying to make all 3 pieces overlap perfectly so that no one would be able to see in if they were standing in our backyard.  of course, Jason must think im completely insane by now, because i'm usually not so weird. (so what if i am, that has NOTHING in the world to do with you!) ha!  so maybe sometimes i am a bit overly obsessed with the thought of someone breaking in.  and i have no idea where that has ever come from, because no one, not to my knowledge, has ever broken in to our home before.... and we are living in SUUUUCH a great and safe area.... it's ridiculous!!!

oh well.... so i'm a little paranoid. whatever.

it took me FOREVER to fall asleep. I was wide awake, and he was snooooozing away.... 

i was lying on my right side (well so my legs were bent at the knees and facing my right side in bed).... but my upper body was twisted, and i was lying on my back. lewie's bum rested on my bicep and my right hand was up by his face. (this is all lying down of course, i wasn't holding him up or anything).  my left arm was hanging off of the bed and patting Asia's side so that she would stop growling at the noises that we both heard) .... shortly after the patting began, she was snoring too.... i didn't stop patting her.... i didn't want her to bark. i wanted her to feel safe and rest too....  at the foot of the bed (blocking our 2 closets) was our big dresser (without the drawers too). there was a laundry basket on top of it with plastic bags full of our shampoo, loofas, bodywash, and all that stuff.  juuuust as i'd started to doze off, something tipped over in the bag. mind you, this is at LEAST an hour after i'd touched it last. the heater wasn't on. asia didn't knock it over. what the heck just happened? Asia JUMPED up and so did i. which then caused a chain reaction. Lewie jumped and thought he was falling, but quickly went back to sleep. Jason sat up and yelled in his whisper voice, "what?!"  I asked, "did you hear that?"  he said, "hear what? you're just imagining stuff."  i said, "ummm no i'm not, asia jumped up too."  then i started getting these nasty images of a mouse crawling through our stuff. i asked, "what if there's a mouse in there?"  He said, "Asia will eat the mouse if there's a mouse in here. now go to sleep."  he was already lying back down, and i was still sitting up. i wanted to get up but i didn't want to wake lewie.  at this point, knowing if there was a mouse in the laundry basket was far more important than waking Lewie, so I got up and turned the hallway light on.  i tiptoed over to the laundry basket, thinking "the mouse" wouldn't hear me.  i pushed the laundry basket just a little bit to see if "the mouse" would scurry around and move the plastic more.... nothing.... so i pulled the laundry basket towards me and off of the top of the dresser, holding the basket towards the bedroom door, so that I could use as much hallway light as possible to see "the mouse"   i, very carefully, moved things around in the bags, and began taking them out, when A JUMBO RAT JUMPED OUT AND BIT MY HAND!!!!! okay, so not really, but that's what i was anticipating.... turns out, there was nothing in there, except the original belongings I had put in there, and all was fine. (but i still put the laundry basket out in the living room for the rest of the night)

so a brief recap of the night:
-frog on the tire.
-people standing outside my window (just my imagination)
-big ol rat in the laundry basket (just my imagination again)
-house was too dark (sooo not my imagination)
-took me forever to fall asleep
-asia got to sleep in the house AND next to the bed!!! (yessssss!)
-got Lewies crib put together (even though he didn't sleep in it, he slept with us and woke up hungry at 254 am) ugh.

i'd say all in all, it wasn't a horrible night.... i freaked myself out more than anything.... hopefully tonight things will be more in their place, and i don't have to see shadows and think there's someone standing in my room....

cable guy is coming today, but i totally don't know what time i scheduled him for. afternoon sometime. i have to go home (to the old place) and get the tv and tv stand and cable box and phone and get it over here before then.  how? i have no idea, because it's POURING down rain.... 

oh yeah, and note to self, mondays are trashdays here.... not thursdays anymore.... 

here's to hoping night #2 goes a lot nicer than night #1, even if it was mostly mental.... and i bet it will, because Jason will likely take tomorrow off and stay home with us which would just be wonderful and VERY much needed. i miss my husband. 

Saturday, January 16, 2010


so i sat there....
on the burgundy, canvas bench in the BGS hall, with my back up against the wall, watching my tall green straw mix circles in my clear starbucks cup....
come on, ice. 
melt, would ya?
give me just a few last sips before i go into the classroom....

my stomach was turning.
i hadn't felt well today, but had to be there.
i felt like a school girl all over. at first there were just a few of us, but then more and more and more came.
i don't know why everyone asked ME what class this was....
did i look that friendly?
because i know i certainly didn't look like the professor for that course....
or did i?

i didn't care too much about my appearance today.
maybe i should have.
instead, those last few extra minutes of sleep seemed far more important than getting up to shower, blowdry and flat iron my hair....
i had a pounding headache and a turning stomach....
please don't let this be a migraine.
no, not today....

so here, i sat.
with my greasy side-swooped bangs....
sipping on my starbucks, which by the way was a regular mocha today as they'd run out of white mocha. 
my luck.
it was far more rich and chocolately than my tastebuds cared for today.
yet, who am i fooling?
i somehow managed to finish the entire drink just before the very last person walked in to the classroom.

there were about 50 of us who showed up today for orientation.
thankfully it was a saturday, and thankfully i parked RIGHT outside the building and only had to be there for an hour.

the professor was a middle-aged man, in jeans and a brown long sleeved shirt.
he had on brown semi casual shoes and a baseball cap.
his hair, that showed from underneath his cap, was white. 
he had a gold wedding band on, and kept putting his hands in his pockets as he walked back and forth across the front of the room.

he was a nice enough guy.
talked about the class, and how he enjoyed teaching it. 
he showed us a few examples of our "term project" which would be worth 200 points out of a total of 1000 for the semester. 

he asked how many of us had taken online courses here before.
then he asked how many of us had printed the syllabus as he had asked us to do before coming to class....
initially i raised my arm (and hand) pretty high, and kinda looked around, as did everyone else....
and apparently i was the only one who got the "print-your-syllabus-and-keys-to-success-notes-and-bring-them-to-class" memo. 
not a single person (besides myself) raised their hand.
he looked at me and smiled, only now my hand was about half as high as it was before.
i didn't want to seem overly eager to be in this class, even if i really kind of was....
and it's so funny, how automatically, everyone begins with the excuses "oh i was just on it the day before yesterday and there wasn't anything there."  another person yells out, "i've been going on everyday and haven't seen anything."  another person says "the website was down for maintenance."  
i felt like "really people?  really? you don't need to give HIM excuses, you should just feel stupid. you're lazy and irresponsible. get over it."
i don't get it. 
college is supposed to be classes for pleasure, or working towards a goal. 
your schedule is "self-induced" and you're there because you want to be and/or you choose to be, not because you are forced. and if you ARE forced, you ought to rethink why you're there and CHANGE the reason that you are there. 
people just amaze me. 
you only hurt yourself when you don't do your work.... lame. but whatever.

then our professor asks, "who bought the book and study guide already?"
this time i was a little more cautious about how fast and high i threw my arm up in the air, but i did halfway again.... and again, i was the only one who had purchased the textbooks.... 
seriously?! am i the only one who has no life and made time to get this stuff ahead of time? holy cow.  
or maybe i'm the nerd.
either way, i felt like i'd started out on the right foot.

this class is going to be a lot more difficult and time consuming than i had originally expected it to be, but i guess that's what i need to gain the confidence (and degree) that i'd like. 

the end of the orientation really couldn't come quick enough. 
i could feel my face warming with each passing minute....
my mouth was watering and i felt like i was going to hurl.
he excused the class and i walked, as fast as my crippled butt could, to the elevator.
fortunately, there was only one other person getting on the elevator, right before a 2nd person hurried up and jumped on.
the doors were allllllmost shut and these 2 dingy blonde girls said in the most "valley girl" voice ever, "oooohhh, we were totally...." and that was all i heard right before the doors shut....
and then opened riiiiight back up.
stupid girls.
did you HAVE to hurry up and hit the down button??
can't you see i'm on the verge of vomiting here? 
sausage and pepperoni pizza.... HELLO!!
i had a guy standing next to me who smelled strongly of aftershave, 
and then those two girls and their shampoo and perfume joined the ride, along with the other guy who smelled like he had partied all night and came directly to class.
the over-aftershave-splashed on guy pulls out his "iphone" (ooo cool guy) and tries to make a joke with the dingbats who jumped on board last minute.
he says "whoa! how old are these elevators? i thought this was a new building."
the girls laugh.... 
i, on the other hand, had a quick vision of how everyone might react if i covered my mouth and threw up right there.... in the elevator.... what if i splashed "cool guys" shoes.... or dingbats bare toes (she was wearing flipflops).... would they get mad? would they feel bad? would they at least stop talking and trying to be funny?

the doors opened, and FINALLY i was off of the elevator and a few seconds later, I was in my truck again.
of all the excitement I'd initially felt in the morning, i couldn't help but think, afterwards, how thankful i was to be taking these courses.... online.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

back to the future.

so i guess i feel so stuck.
i know i can work to make a living....
and that's what i've done.
because i had to.
there was no choice.
it was about doing whatever i was good at, or even what i knew NOTHING about, and finding the highest paying job to get by and learning it or doing it the very best i could, so that i could keep the job and make a living.... having been off of work for some time now (since my YUCK pregnancy), I've finally gotten to the breaking point of being stagnant.... can't do it any longer.... i haven't been cleared to go back to work yet, which is fine. i can't change it one way or the other. well, i could lie and say i'm fine. i'll go back, but hopefully they wouldn't do an MRI and all that super expensive stuff again, because they might say, "um, i'm not sure you are."  but whatever....  it is what it is and i've been just accepting it, and trying to "enjoy" it as much as i can. 
some benefits to me being at home is that:
1. we don't have to pay for daycare.
2. jason is much happier with ME watching our kids than anyone or anywhere else.
3. spend a lot more time with my mom and family.
4. i'm able to write a lot more.
5. i'm learning how to cook a lot more, and actually enjoying it.
6. i can stop and rest whenever i want!!!
there are many other things that i am learning to enjoy and accept.

there are also negative things about being home, which initially (and for a long time) wore me down and out.... 

1. there is no "alone time" EVER for me.  everytime Lewie (or Taylor) is upset, I hear every complaint, cry, tantrum, fit.... i hear it allllll.... there is never just a period of time where i go without a crying baby or complaining child.... (which, by all means, I should and am learning to appreciate.... but it DEFINITELY takes a while.) i'd like to be able to just have a chunk of time (a few hours maybe?) without a crying child.... a chunk of time where someone else (preferably daddy) can handle the tantrum or the poopy diaper that somehow ends up with poop everywhere from his bum up to his neck and all over his stomach.... how? i have NO idea....

2. the house is SO extremely hard to keep up on. there are at least 2 of us home at alll times. so even if that is just Lewie and I, i'm constantly attending to him, and not cleaning the house, or he's sleeping, and that's the time I think i have to myself, where i would really rather do nothing (except that now I've registered for 2 classes online to fill that extra time i may have had)....  it seems like when i know i have more time to do it, i put it off to the very end.... or don't do it at all.... i believe the word is procrastination, maybe? ;)  or maybe it's called "poor planning."  i cook more, so that means dishes!!!! before this, we hardly ever ate home... we were always on the go. i wouldn't get home and settled and even READY for dinner until AT LEAST 630 or 7, sometimes later.  that meant for a quick dinner, some homework, bathtime and bedtime for Taylor. aaaaand.... not enough time for major mess.

3.  laundry seems to be 50 times as much. i have no idea how that works, because i don't change my clothes throughout the day.... oooohhh wait. i just realized that while typing that out, it was a lie.... i DO change my clothes, in fact, I change them often, as i'm puked on AT LEAST 3 times a day, that isn't including all the "near misses" that i just so happen to catch in a cloth diaper or some other cloth item in reach (*cough* Jason's shirts *cough*) okay, so i'm kidding about using his shirt.... sort of.  i don't know HOW or WHERE the laundry comes from. seriously. i didn't even think there were that many articles of clothing, or linen in the house, but somehow.... they allll end up in the hallway or overflowing our laundry basket. ick! i am going to slowly start "losing" items.... 

4.  i feel i've lost my sense of myself.... i felt so much more worth before.... i was a mother.  a single mother, at that. i was an employee. a full time employee. i was a friend. a daughter. i had a new truck. i had my own apartment. i had my bills. i had all of the MY and ME stuff that i just hadn't quite adjusted to "giving up."  now, i don't mean that in a complaining way.... not entirely at least.... but i felt like IIIII was the one holding down the fort.... for myself and for taylor. so my bills got a bit behind at times.... but my rent was always paid on time. so there was never a scare of losing that.... it would be the electric or the cable or the gas that would be late.... usually the cable, because that wasn't a necessity.... that was a "luxury."  i don't know how we made it, but somehow we did.... i never had a chance to save money aside, but we got by....  i must admit that, mentally, i've been slowly adjusting to this "lifestyle" i guess you would say.... i'm learning to accept more and more where my "role" is.... i wasn't able to work for a long time. physically unable to perform my job duties.... i couldn't. there was just no way possible. i HATED/HATE that.... but you do what you can.... you accept what you cannot, and accept and welcome what you can.... i had to learn to "welcome" many new things.... so in losing my OLD self, i have found a NEW self.... i'm REALLY not one for change.... that's for sure.... so i guess this can be both a positive and negative thing.... the negative was hating to let go of my old self, but the positive is welcoming an entirely new self.... =)  

5. i feel a lot more pressure, because i'm "available" more.... i feel helpless at times, because i assume that much more is expected of me because i am not working. now that may all be in my head, or it may be true.... either way, i don't like when i assume that people have expectations of me.... i am a lot less likely to do whatever it is they want me to do.... (this isn't entirely true for work, more for personal)  because if there are expectations at work, i like to go above and beyond.... but mind you, this isn't a job with a paycheck, so you sort of just work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and it takes awhile.... a LONG while to feel the "rewards" or "payment".... does that even make any sense?  

anyway.... i'm probably just ranting and raving, and well, Lewie just went to sleep, so i need to drag myself back to my online course, because this is, in fact, the only time that i am able to think clearly, is when he is asleep.... 

sooooo, i shall continue this blog later, as it really did have a purpose that matched the title.... 

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

lumpy love.

jason thinks that i think too "morbidly" sometimes....
i am not entirely sure what ever sparked my thinking like this.
i try to go back as far as i can remember having my first thoughts of death and dying and being scared about medical things, and i think my earliest memory was when i was walking in a kmart or a store similar to that, with my father.
he had had a heart attack some time before that, and i remember him telling me that "you know, once you have one heart attack, you're likely to have another one, and you usually don't live through the second one." now, i'm not entirely sure if that was a guilt trip or what the intention was at the time, but whatever it was meant to do, it scared the ba-jeebies out of me.... and i never forgot it...

when i got older and worked in the hospital in oncology (with cancer patients), this fear only grew.... i mean, i LOVED my work, because i helped my patients daily.... it was an amazing job to have.... and i was amazingly blessed to be the one at many people's sides while they passed. i mean, not that i ENJOYED being there, but if i wasn't, i'm not sure who would have been.

one of my patients was a homeless guy. he was a DNR (do not resusitate, (sp?)).... anyway, the nurses called him a "drugseeking patient," and before i'd gone in there, i felt like "oh gosh, this guy just wants drugs.... and then, i saw him.... he couldn't sit still.... he was all over the place, and clearly uncomfortable.... he couldn't lie still. well i worked the next day, and he was my patient again, only this time i was a sitter for him. sitter, being that you just sit and watch them all day for one of many possible reasons. (reasons being: they are a suicidal patient, they are likely to fall and keep attempting to get out of bed, they are having seizures continuously, they are ripping their IV or pulse ox machine off.... whatever the reason, there are many of them.)

so i watched him because he kept pulling on his IV and he kept trying to get out of bed. i was actually a sitter for 2 men this day. i sat in the middle of them both, one was trying to pull off his pulse ox (for those of you who don't know what that is, that's the little machine with the red dot that goes on your fingertip. what it does is it measures the oxygen in your fingertips, which ultimately tells them how much oxygen is getting to your extremities. when this number drops, actions need to be taken), and the other was trying to get out of bed and rip his IV out, but really wasn't too alert to realize what he was doing... he was just mumbling and doing the actions, without even really knowing what he was doing. it was terrible.

so my right, i had this BIG, STRONG man with a LOUD dinging machine (when the pulse ox was off of his finger) and then a smaller, frail man who kept trying to climb out. it was so difficult at times when they were both in action, that i remember looking up at the clock multiple times and thinking how grateful i would be when this day was over.... this poor man. he was soooo antsy.... wasn't there anything in the world they could do for him? he kept saying, "sir, help me." (he was out of it and his eyes were closed) and he would be pulling himself up and i'd say, in a soft voice, "I'm right here. I need you to lie back down for me, okay?" and he'd say, "sorry sir. it hurts sir. please help me ma'am." and he'd hold onto my right arm with his left hand. and he'd lie still for a few moments and i'd cover him up with the sheet, and think he was settled, and right when i'd go to sit down, he'd repeat the same cycle.... ohhh it broke my heart.... i'd wished there was something i could have done for him. HE HAD CANCER IN EVERY PART OF HIS BODY!!!! It was in his back, in his bones, EVERYWHERE!!!! how could anyone stand to watch this man suffer like this, and yet still call him a "drugseeking patient!" i'd be drugseeking too, if i were in that much pain!!!!

anyway, i had this fellow the very next day.... again.... only this day, he was content. he was nearly out of it. wasn't fighting to get out of bed anymore.... he just lie still most of the day. i wasn't his sitter, for he no longer needed one. nurse giving report said that he was likely to pass at some time today.... and that he was a DNR so I didn't need to take vitals anymore, not after the first batch.... my insides felt like, "how could you just give up on someone like that?" i mean, I KNOW he was sick, and i KNOW he wasn't going to make it, but can't you monitor his oxygen level? give him more if you could.... i don't know.... i battled this one for a while. i took his vitals anyway.... and they were horrible... i knew he wasn't going to last through my shift.... i checked on him frequently. made sure he had oxygen.... his vitals were slowly dropping, and i remember just taking a seat..... no one was there. i pulled up a chair and he rolled his head towards me.... he started pulling on my arm... his vitals started going nuts.... heartrate was elevating, and he was clearly in pain.... i remember leaning my face down to him and whispering in his ear.... "it's okay, i'm riight here," just as i had the day before.... i had my cheek pressed against his and i held onto his hand with my left hand and my right hand was on top of his head.... i remember the way he had looked. i remember cleaning him the very best i could every day.... i remember.... the moment my cheek was against his, and i whispered in his ear, him lying still and his heart rate slowly dropping.... it was almost as if you could FEEL the fear lift from him.... it made me sooo sad and yet so much better knowing that he wasn't alone.... i watched his chest rise and fall until it didn't rise again.... i remember staring at his chest, waiting for it to rise again.... and staring at his chest and staring at it.... thinking, "he's gonna breathe again...." it's unreal, watching someone pass.... like, how does one's body just stop? how can ANYONE let ANYONE die alone??? his "girlfriend" came by AFTER he passed and before i had gotten him ready to go to the morgue.... she acted a bit upset, but not much.... she looked like she was loaded and it just sickened me. i felt like, "where were you?!" but i didn't say a word....

there are so many patients that i've had, that i remember nearly everything about... i remember their names, first and last. i remember their look, i remember their personality, their diagnosis. i remember how long they stayed and i remember their families....

it can still turn my stomach at times, watching people battle illnesses.... people fighting JUST TO STAY ALIVE, and here we are fretting the small stuff in life.... complaining to your spouses about who works more, or who makes more money, or who takes care of the kids more.... it turns my stomach....


there's this lump in my armpit.
it started a few days ago.... and has, at minimum, doubled in size....
it hurts to move my right arm.
it hurts to put a shirt on, it hurts to wash.
it just hurts.

i'm sure it's just a swollen lymphnode or something, but it hurts.... and when i looked it up on the internet, it says, "If you are a woman experiencing this lump, CONTACT YOUR DR IMMEDIATELY, as this may also be a sign of breast cancer."
ohhh. nice.
especially nice considering my father passed away from cancer. his brother and sister both passed away from cancer. and he has one other sister who is still alive....
his father passed away from cancer, and all of his siblings, minus one that is still alive (7 or 8 siblings mind you) have all passed away from some type of cancer.
it's clear.
cancer runs on my dad's side....

like i said, i'm sure it's just a swollen lymphnode, i'm nearly certain, but i'm not entirely sure i'd ever forgive myself for dismissing something that could be fatal, knowing i knew my odds before hand.... if it were just me, i would probably say "it's a freakin swollen lymphnode... i'll wait til it goes away." buuuut... it's not just me... it's jason. it's taylor. it's lewie....

my aunt wanda, who passed away most recently of breast cancer, had known she had a lump for a year and a half and by then there was nothing they could do. it was everywhere. they tried, but it was just too far spread to even really help. she passed away after just a few short months of battling it.

so about that lump in my armpit, (that i'm sure is just a swollen lymphnode), it had me awake much of the night because it hurt so bad. all these thoughts started going through my head.... like, what if BAM dr's told me i had cancer? honestly, emotionally, i feel soooo incredibly drained, i'm not even sure i'd have the energy to keep fighting, but then YEAH RIGHT!!!! do you know who i am? i fight everything! i guess that was the attitude i was looking for.... i was thinking of how pathetic my insides sounded thinking that there just wasn't anything else i could fight right now.... that's not ME.... that was that pathetic little voice inside my head throwing a pity party.... cuz whatever it is, cyst, lymphnode.... whatever it is, i just want it to goooo away.... it hurts.

do i think i'm dying?
do i think i have cancer?
do i think i think too much?
will i call the dr?
will i be okay?
i'm sure of it.

anyway, i guess where i was kind of going with this one was, that before you find yourself arguing over the small petty stuff that seems huge at the time, imagine if you were lying at the side of someone you love.... watching them fight to live.... what are those last minute words you'd cram in to say to them? what would you apologize for? would you kiss them and hug them and hold them? well, why don't you try apologizing for those things now... while they're still conscious.... why don't you kiss em, hold em, hug em now.... now, while you have the chance... why don't you let all the petty stuff go... and look at these moments you're given with them now.... they won't be there forever.... go ahead.... love on em.
.....i won't even tell em i told you to. ;)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

King x 4.

I am no photographer, by ANY means....
Nor am I claiming to be one... ha!
All I wanted was to get a fairly decent picture of the brothers and sister together for Steve's (their dad's) Birthday coming up.
Seeing that there really aren't any recent pictures of the 4 of them, i just thought it'd be nice.
=) and i think that it was.
Look! Shane's even smiling! =)

oooo. and who's the stud on the right? ;)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Holy Laundry....

So , i don't quite understand it, but this is what Jason does.
He rips his laundry that he wants me to throw away.
rather than throw it away himself, he goes through the trouble of ripping it.
i asked him about this sock.
his response was. "well there was a hole in it."
ooohh honey.

he never ceases to make me laugh.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Lewie's new favorite thing to do.

in case you get bored, because it's about 3 and a half minutes long, you can fast forward to about 3 minutes and 5 seconds, but you'll miss the close calls throughout. =)


oh what fun! 
Let the good times begin.... 

we got it!!!

Ladies and gentlemen.... our new livingroom/dining room.... 

not our furniture of course, but that's our house. =)
well for the time being. ;)  
just feels wonderful to finally be moving in to a house.
can't wait to move in 9 days....
perfect. =)


once we get it all set up, I might take "after" pictures once we get our furniture in there. =)  

Thursday, January 7, 2010

losing hope.

So, as of this morning, i still hadn't heard from either agent. 
I finally placed an email to my agent telling him that i'm not a very patient person, but that i've been waiting an extra day and a half from when the guy originally told us we'd probably know by....
i've received a few emails from our current landlord telling us that she has people who are ready to move in whenever we decide to move out.... even though, moving wasn't ever finalized. i told her it was just a "maybe" and that the other place had a few other applicants.
so then, after finally getting frustrated, i told my agent that there was another house i'd like to take a look at just in case we don't hear anything back from this other guy....

i called Troy (the other guy) and asked if they had any new news. 
he didn't. 
he said that they got another application for the house yesterday and that she was wanting to look over it, or it was incomplete or something like that. 
that leads me to believe, that she probably isn't content with just us just yet. 
oh well.
probably wants someone without pets, i don't know.
sorry. asia's a big part of our family.
can't go without her.

well, talked to my guy and he said that if we don't hear anything about the first house by this afternoon, then we'll go look at the other house later on....

and the second house is his own listing, so we're probably safe there.

anyway.... just thought i'd update you all....
i'm feeling a little hopeless today.... 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


This is one of my favorite songs.... 

and i think that everyone should play this song....
you'll fall in love with it.
it's one that makes you wanna dance around....
spinning circles in the sun with your arms out....
it's definitely a great one....



i would SING MY HEART OUT TOO!!!!!

no news.... is it good news?

haven't heard from troy or my guy all day....
let's hope they have some really good news for when they DO call me back....
i don't know what otherwise. =)

we'll be fine either way.
i just hate waiting.

"i don't want to videotape mom."

pardon the mess of our place.
we are in the process of moving....
this was my first ever YouTube video.... 
Lewie had just rolled over from his back to his stomach, and i thought "OH! maybe he'll do it again!" 

This is what i got instead.... 

p.s. if it doesn't start, drag the button to 0:01 second and it should play from there....

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

house update #2

Troy called this afternoon.

said he isn't feeling well and is going to the dr. 
hey thanks for letting me know that Troy.
what about the house?
well about the house.... so far the owner likes us (and between troy and i, she likes us the best)....
that's a good thing right?
now let's just hope she leaves the washer, dryer and fridge,
or we're going to have dirty clothes and rotten milk.
okay, so not really, but let's just hope he was right when he said he thinks she's picking us....

hiding behind the screen.

so, i made a youtube account today to view this video that a friend sent me. 
it was a music performance, and anyone who knows me knows i absolutely LOVE music.
so many songs represent milestones in my life.
anyway.... i didn't realize that once you have an account, you're kind of expected to put videos up there.... what kind of videos would i put up there?  surely, i can't show my face.... i'm way to shy for that. funny clips would be great, but i wouldn't want everyone to see MY idea of funny. i love to blog, but i like blogging because you see my heart without hearing my voice. or you see my heart without seeing my face.... i don't know. i'll have to think about this one for a while and let this one stew for a bit.... 
there is so much that goes on in this big head of mine, surely i've got something....
it may be nothing, but nothing is still something.
until then, i'll continue to hide behind the screen....

house update #1:

i'm not very patient.
that's a given.
so i placed a phone call this morning to know when we might find out about the house.... 

here's the update. 
the homeowner hasn't ever rented her house out before. 
she is moving out of state, to like Boston or something on the east coast.... 
her flight leaves on the 16th, and she'd love it if someone took over that same weekend.

anyway.... i called my guy and got his voicemail.
i called her agent (because i had a few questions i forgot to ask last night), but got his voicemail.
then i emailed my guy, who said he had called but hadn't heard from him. (not entirely sure he really called or not, but he DID after he got my email)

so i got an email response from MY guy:


Troy's mailbox is full so I just called the owner and put in a good word.

Her movers are coming on the 15th and she would be excited if you could take it the same weekend.  She is going to call the agent and review your package.

Will be in touch.

Supposedly there are a few other applicants....
so far that's the update, so we'll see....

will keep you posted! =)

Monday, January 4, 2010

House Prostitution.

definition of house prostitution:
wanting a house so badly that you do not own, that you have to "sell yourself" to the landlord....

ohhhhhhhh so, not like LITERALLY sell yourself?
cuz i really want this house!

so you'd think that giving up the whole "purchase" idea for now would make things like 10 times easier and that renting would be a piece of cake.... yeah.... well try NO!
MAN! i thought we knew exactly what we were getting into, but boy was i wrong. 
okay so it really wasn't THAT bad, but definitely an entire day's worth of work to put everything together when you're dealing with an agent.
i wonder what the agent's get for renting a house.... maybe a few hundred bucks? you see, we've talked with this guy before, and it's a father son bonanza out here, and they sell a whole lot of places.... they are the big guys that sell the big homes, and even the not so big ones.... they have a great reputation, and they were going to be our guys to purchase... and they very well still might be.... anyway.... i didn't realize how putting together both applications, getting a letter of recommendation from the current landlord, or reference letter (whatever you call it), getting our credit reports together, copies of our licenses and all that good stuff.... it took a bit, and then we topped it off with a little letter about our family, and why we would be the best tenants for this house.... we'll see.
i am finally okay with either way. hopefully we get it, but if not (as there are a few other applicants), then that's okay. there will be more, and that just means we can save a whole lot of money while we are here.... a WHOLE lot of money. =) not going to lie though, i'd be at least a little bit disappointed if we don't get it.... just being that everything about it seems so perfect.... 
anyway.... i felt like we had to sell ourselves in the letter and that made me nervous.... usually, i know what i'm getting into and what people are looking for (like for a job interview, you know?) I mean, usually you have an idea of what to say.... today, i was near speechless.... like uuuuhhhh..... uuuuummmmm....
I said a prayer.... it's completely out of my hands. we did what we could, and it's out of our control and in His.... I am grateful for another beautiful day and parents that live close by. Now, if i could only find a way to get Mimi closer.... it would be perfect. =)