Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Happy Birthday, Dad....

You know, I do miss him terribly, because I can't help but to replay parts of my life in my head and how I would have LIKED to have done them differently.... There are things I wish I had known sooner.... But life goes along just as it does... I can't say that I don't hurt anymore, because I do, but I just miss him more than I hurt, if that makes any sense.... The longer he is gone, the more fear sets in that I won't remember things about him one day and that really scares me....

Today, on the way to dropping the kids off at school, I said, "Today would have been Pappy's 68th birthday!" I did not have any sadness in my voice.... I felt rather peaceful.... I did....  From the back seat, Lewie says, "It IS his birthday mom."
I said, "If he was still alive, he would be 68."
Again, he corrects me and says, "He IS 68, mom. He's just not alive."
It made me smile.... He says, "I'm really sorry your dad passed away, mom."
I said, "aww thanks buddy! It's okay though. Everyone passes away at some point and Pappy was very sick and in a lot of pain for a long time."
He asks, "How did he die again?" (I've told him the story many times).
"He had cancer buddy."
"Yeah, but what kind? How did he get the cancer?" he asked....
"He smoked and got lung cancer, and then the cancer went from his lungs into his brain, and then there were other complications from that."

I started reminiscing about my dad and some of the hilarious things that he did.... I see his sense of humor in the kids a lot.... They don't even realize it, but they remind me so much of him too.... Little Lewie is SOOOO much like my dad, it's pretty crazy.... Taylor and I were talking about my dad and I was smiling and it was feeling rather upbeat, when all of a sudden, I look over at her and tears are just streaming down her face. She squeezed her eyes shut and almost looked as if she was smiling, but she was crying.... (my girl does NOT cry very often, at all!).... My eyes welled up with tears and I put my hand on her shoulder and asked, "aww honey, what's wrong?"

She said, "I don't remember him, mom. I try so hard to remember him, but I don't remember him, mom. I can remember going to Tennessee and doing things there, but I don't remember HIM!" and she just cried and it broke. my. heart.... She knows how much he loved her because everyone always tells her that.... she sees pictures everywhere.... My dad was a strong and masculine man, but boy could his tone go from deep voice, to teddy bear when he saw Taylor.... It was such an incredible bond to watch develop... He gave her anything she wanted.... Maybe it brought peace to my heart, because I saw my dad in a form that I never saw him with while I was growing up.... I'm not quite sure.... We didn't see him often, but it was nice when we did.... He would call and ask to talk to her.... he'd leave messages for her.... He really loved her a lot.... and she loved him too! I think that's why it makes me sad that she doesn't remember him.... THIS is one of those things that a child just can't ever understand until they have children of their own... how closely and connected your heartstrings are to theirs....  I feel fortunate to have had Taylor so young, because it TRULY gave me an incredibly deep appreciation for what my mom did for all of us girls.... That was a huge blessing for having Taylor when I did....

When Lewie heard Taylor begin to cry, his tears let loose as well.... He had already had watery eyes, but then his alligator tears came too.... They were both crying and then I began crying too! I said, "awwww no crying.... Pappy was very sick and in a lot of pain, but you know what? He knew he was going to pass away the day that he did. Do you know how powerful that must feel? To KNOW when you and your body are just done fighting?"

For those of you who don't know the story of the day my dad passed, it was pretty incredible but also very, very difficult for my stepmom who was the only one with him when he did end up passing. The ambulance came to their small town and pulled all the way up to their front porch. He wanted to walk himself, with his oxygen, out to the ambulance. He put his arm around my stepmom and said, "We've had a good life together, Ma. I'm done fighting. I'm not coming home this time." She wasn't having it. She was in a rush to get things together and pack a bag for the hospital, because she never knew how long their stay would be and they were far from any hospital.... Once he was admitted, she wouldn't leave, so she was trying to get things together... She dismissed his "nonsense talk" and hurried along.... Again, he said, "I'm done fightin' Ma. I'm not coming home this time. No more tubes. No more drains.... I'm tired."

That was it.... that was at 7 o'clock in the morning and he passed away at 12 noon, just 5 hours later.... Of course the weeks leading up to this day were not easy.... He had had a 60+ day hospital stay and had just been home not very long when this happened. I had flown out there and helped her to care for him just about 3-4 weeks prior to his death.... He wasn't the dad I remembered, but every now and again, I'd catch a glimpse of the dad I knew.... He was still stubborn as all heck and still believed HE was the boss and he could still bark orders at us, but to see his physical strength, as well as his mental state, deteriorate at the rate that it was.... that was incredibly difficult to see.... Here was the man who had the strength of Hulk (at least it always seemed like that, to me, for my whole life).... He did the physical and manual labor of 5 men, and could do nearly anything.... He loved to learn and to explore.... Many of my earlier memories of him were in Tennessee.... He had a big home and a big yard.... The neighbors were all so friendly and helped and taught each other.... Us kids would jump on the riding lawn mower and attach a trailer to the back. We'd ride each other around and out into the woods, collecting trashcans full of leaves, building HUGE piles and then jumping off of the trashcan (turned over) or off of tree limbs into the piles of leaves.... We picked green beans and cucumbers and caught plastic pools full of toads.... Many of his days were spent with a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth, as he "piddled" on projects in the yard or garage.... "Whatcha doin' dad?" I'd ask.... "ohhh, just piddlin'," he'd say.... That meant he was just tinkering with a few different things... He'd always have an ice cold beer in a coozy. But there were usually at least 2 coozies, one for the current drink he had and one in the freezer for the next beer he'd drink.... (He ended up quitting his drinking after his heart attack in his 40's....) and he did quit smoking, but picked it back up after some time.... Dad eventually quit smoking and eventually even became appalled at the smell of it. It amazed me because this was a man who, at his smoking peak, smoked 3 packs a day.... he smoked inside his house and the car, and wasn't ever bothered by the smell.... So, within the last few years of his life, it was nice to see him finally realize how AWFUL the smell was and to even talk about it with us....

Today, I am thankful for the 60 years he lived.... Though I wish we had more time together, I am thankful for the times that we DID have together.... I know that he loved Taylor and I.... 8 years after his passing, I feel a lot more peaceful than I ever did about things before.... I have a much better understanding of our lives and I am thankful for that.... What I mean by that, is that I believe I have a better understanding of his life while I was a child and how our lives transitioned as I grew older.... I am thankful he quit drinking and smoking and was sober and able to feel things, especially within the last years of his life.... Some of my fondest memories will be of those last few years and some of the conversations we shared....

I smile today, because I imagine him in his eternity.... making sure EVERYONE knows it's his birthday.... I imagine someone rubbing his feet with horse hoof cream, and him watching T.V., doing his loud fake cry for attention.... I imagine my Grandma (his mom) preparing his favorite meal for him, or him asking for ice cream for dinner.... I can hear his deep belly laughs.... I can see his cheeks turning bright red and his belly jumping up and down from laughing so hard.... I can smell him just out of the shower, with a squirt of his cologne.... I can feel his soft cheeks just after he shaved and I can hear his deep, deep voice, saying, "heellllo darlin."

I can see his big, new smile and I can feel his big, warm bear hugs....
I can feel nothing but love for him today.... and that makes me smile....

Happy 68th birthday, Dad! I can feel your presence all around me today.... I love you!