Monday, November 16, 2009

once upon a time....

once upon a time there was this King.... his name was Jason.... and he was so handsome.... and had such a beautiful smile.... and dimples that would melt your heart.... his eyes were such a beautiful brown.... when he stood in the sun, they looked like brand new pennies!  his eyelashes curled, and he could stare into your eyes with such a romantic intensity that would send chills over your body.... it was magical! he was so strong and so poised... nothing ever bothered him. his feelings never got hurt.... he never cried. he always took care of business. he was such a MANLY man!

he brightened everyday.... he always smiled. he was so happy all the time.... why, King Jason was PERFECT!!!!!

.... this is how our fairytale started.... i fell in love with my prince! he was my knight in shining armor. he was my perfect man. he was my perfect everything.... 

that's such a high standard to hold ANYONE up to.... to make them feel like they are perfect and can NEVER do any wrong?!   what happens when they disappoint you?  oh, the whole world would come crashing down then.... what happens if King Jason had a bad day?  or he didn't smile. or i didn't see his dimples, or he didn't stare at me with that romantic intensity that he once did? 

oh the world would come crashing down....

here i go with my "i think," again..... but here i go anyway.....

i think that so often, we fall in love with the fairytale romance of our new love.... we hold onto that fairytale romance.... that new love and we want it to last forever.... we have that expectation that it will forever be this "magical" and "wonderful".... and anything less is just not acceptable.... bad days never happen in fairytales, and so they can't happen in real life....

hey, guess what everyone?  this IS real life!!!! 

real life is not:
a fairytale.
it is not perfect.

what happens when you realize that you married a HUMAN!!!!!
*gasp*
you didn't marry a prince, or a king, or a queen, or a princess!!!!
what happens when you ACCEPT that you've married a human?

well i'll tell you what happens....
all your super high expectations go out the window....
you don't always expect them to be perfect. 
you don't expect the smiles every single day.
you don't expect that things will be perfect.
you don't expect that they will never disappoint you.....

you ACCEPT that there will be bad days....
there will be trying times....
there will quiet times.... 
boring times....
noisy days.....
sad days....
lonely days....
there will be those times.....

but just because those times exist, doesn't mean that you don't love one another....
i vowed my life to my handsome King.... but he's only a King, because of his name. 
He's a king.
he's my king.

Everyone believes they know what perfect is.... perfect is different to everyone....
Jason just so happens to be the "perfect" one for me....

you learn to set boundaries with each other.... 
"bottom lines" as someone once taught me....
she said "you set the bottom lines of what you will NOT accept.... and you guys don't cross those bottom lines...."

humpf!
who would've known....
boundaries.... "bottom lines"....
what a wonderful thing to have.

once upon a time....
i vowed my life....
my days.... ALL of them.... 
to my wonderful husband....
my wonderfully happy, grumpy, funny, anxious, handsome, lazy, HUMAN husband....
and it was the wisest decision i've ever made.... 
and we lived.... 
and we loved each other.
every.
single.
day....
the best that we knew how.....

the end. 

(of just the beginning.... of learning how to love one another better for all of the rest of my days).

Friday, November 13, 2009

rip my feet off why don't you....

so i went for my MRI on Tuesday.... they told me i'd be in a tube for 20 to 25 minutes.... they needed to look at my pelvic bone and my tailbone.... to take a closer look....
they told me that i couldn't move for 20 to 25 minutes.... 
"that's fine," i thought.... 

but that's the whole point, i suppose.... i DIDN'T think.... 
i don't ever lie on my back! alllways on my side with a pillow between my knees!
so anyway.... 
i get there.... it's cold. 
REALLLLLY cold.... 
like chillbumps on my legs cold.... 
i had jeans, little black flats and a black tank top with a little beige cover up thingy, but that wasn't keeping me warm....
i couldn't wear my jeans (even though they said to wear whatever i wanted, and that there were no restrictions).... so they gave me these paper short thingies.... which made me even more cold.... i didn't have any socks on, and i certainly wasn't going to go barefoot, so i wore my shoes into the MRI room.... it took me a while, but eventually i got positioned on the sliding table thing (whatever it's called).... the sliding table that will eventually slide me into the tube....
i asked her if i needed to take my shoes off, she said, "nope you can leave them on!" 

so then she covers me up and starts sliding me in to the tube, feet first.... 
whoa! what is that?! 
it felt like someone just SAT on my feet.... they were being pushed down towards the bed as hard as they could be!!! i said, "ummmm why does it feel like my feet are being pulled off of my ankles?"
she stopped the machine and slid me back out and took off one of my shoes, which pretty much JUMPED out of her hand and stuck to the machine.... ooooohhh magnetic! hahaha! 
she said, "your shoes must have metal in them!"
heyyyyy!!!! there's an idea! we probably should have thought about that before my feet were nearly ripped off my ankles! lol. 

anyway. it was funny....

.... funny, until i was in there for much longer than 20 minutes.... 
i didn't have a clock anywhere near me, or one that i could see.... and even if i had one close to me, it wasn't like i could move to look at it anyway....
but even without watching a clock, i knew it was much longer than 20 to 25 minutes.... 

it's funny how when someone asks you if you have to go to the bathroom, or to scratch any itches before you go into this tube.... you pause for a second, (seeing if you have to go to the bathroom) "nope i'm good....."  
(pause for another second to see if anything itches)....
nope, good there too....
then you get inside the tube.... classical music playing in my ears.... this will be okay.... don't have to go to the bathroom.... nothing itches still....

and then it's like all of a sudden.... you find yourself asking yourself "is that an itch i feel on my nose? it IS an itch on my nose." and then it somehow intensifies by like 10 million because you can't scratch it.... but really! how often does your nose itch when you're NOT told to NOT move? it NEVER itches when you CAN scratch it.... lame, but hilarious how that works! 

after all this time, my tailbone is hurting SOOOOO bad! i tried not to focus on it.... 
but i've learned that the more you try NOT to focus on something, the more you focus on it.... so instead of trying to NOT focus on THAT, i tried focusing on other things.... like what i still needed to accomplish that day.... there was classical music playing in the headphones that were tightly SUCTIONED to my ears.... and although it was playing to kinda "drown out" the sound of the LOUD machine, all i could seem to hear was the LOUD machine.... and even though i was trying to focus on everything BUT my sore tailbone, somehow, my sore tailbone was all i could think about. it was getting more and more sore with every passing second. i said "hello?" thinking that maybe she'd be able to hear me.... there was nothing.
no response.
"shoot!" i thought.... what am i going to do?
i'm about to move here in a second and then what? 
what if they have to start it all over again?
then i'd just leave.
no.
seriously.
i'd just leave.
a few minutes later, (even though it felt like a few HOURS later), she asks, "are you doing okay?" 
i answered, "um, can i move? just a little bit? i GOTTA get off my tailbone!"
she said, "no."
i said, "well i'm going to. it hurts REALLY bad!!! i gotta get off my tailbone."
she said, "well don't move side to side. you can slightly lift up, but not too much."
so i did.... just lifted up.... just a tad, and then back down.. and all the while, all the pain that my body could possibly feel, seemed to somehow travel RIGHT to my tailbone and continue intensifying by the millisecond....
i could feel my eyes well up....
and then a tear rolled down my cheek.
HOW EMBARRASSING i thought!
my stomach was turning! 
the pain was getting so intense i thought i was going to vomit all over this waaaaaay expensive machine!
and i thought "what'll they do then? start over?"
haha. mean, right?
i wasn't TRYING to make myself sick, i was just feeling sick from the pain.
oh man.... it sucked. there was just no other way to say it.... it sucked!!!!

i couldn't help but think about why this was taking so long! i'd thought about a few things i'd gone through in my life.... a few things that i'd experienced with family.... a few things i'd experienced with patients.... none of them were positive thoughts.... 

how STUPID of me.... sitting here.... beginning to sweat inside this stupid MRI tube (which i'm sure everything will be fine with me) but i started getting all emotional.....
maybe it was just because my tailbone was hurting so bad. i have no idea, but whatever it was, i just felt sad.... 

and so i let myself sit there and feel sad....
for about 10 minutes max....
sucked it up, and got out of there as fast (well it was actually kinda slow) as i could....
i couldn't hardly walk after that. 
the lady had said, "sorry it took so long, i had to make a few different cuts through the uterus."
my instinct was to say something like, "am i bleeding?" 
but i didn't.... i just said, "oh.. okay."

needless to say.... i'll know more about the results this week.... 
i'm sure i'll be fine.

i guess the moral of the story is....
just show up to your MRI in your pajamas... and slippers.... and tell them to turn up the music volume louder than whatever it is they have it set on.... try to count sheep or something.... do something to make yourself fall asleep.... 

well, i guess the real moral of the story is that there really was no moral to the story.... it was just me venting....
again.... =)

needless to say....

i got the boots. =)  yay!!! =)   

Thursday, November 12, 2009

the mind of a selfish, controlling, single mother....

so, it was never really like to me talk about the problems i've had....
heck, i guess that's part of the problem, was not being able to SEE the problems that i had....
but as you grow and you realize what you've BEEN in your past, (AND present).... it somehow allows you to better your future (AND present).... 

i love that Jason and i are able to laugh most of our disagreements off, because we both know how completely stubborn each of us are.... he absolutely doesn't like depending on people for things, and well, i guess i am just spoiled and kind of really have been my whole life.... 

when i say that i'm spoiled, i don't mean that i was given everything i ever wanted.... i don't mean that i was showered in love and gifts and all of that....  there are a lot of different things i mean by this....

with my father, who lived in Tennessee since I was 7, and San Francisco before that.... he bought me things.... lots of things.... expensive things, especially when i was younger.... when WE were younger.... it was almost his way of expressing his love.... he wouldn't just spend money on you if he didn't care about you. i knew he cared about me, but i also learned to know that money spent was love that was unable to be expressed in other ways.... time would have been nice, but hey, to a 7 year old child, gifts made you happy too.... (temporarily, at least).... i didn't know any different.... i didn't know any better.... 

you learn with age.... and that's the truth.

so here i am.... 26 years old.... wheeling and dealing with my husband about a stinkin pair of boots that i want.... i don't have a lot of shoes.... (okay well maybe to SOME people, i do), but to most people who would look through my "shoe collection," you would say that i'm bland.... boring.... plain.... tomboy.... tennies and flip flops.... that's what i live in.... jeans and flip flops nearly every single day.... and if it's REALLY cold or raining, i'll throw some running shoes on or these super cheap pair of ugg looking boots that i got in Tennessee a few years back, but only because it was raining and i had only taken my flip flops with me.... yeah, i originally bought them thinking they were just for Tennessee and to keep my feet warm, but.... i still wear them nearly 2 years later.... and honestly, they weren't more than $12!!!! soooo.... that kind of gives you a breakdown of my "shoe collection."  i worked at Finish Line (shoe store) for nearly 4 years, and that's where i accumulated most of my shoes.... (which is probably why i have mostly running shoes rather than cute girly shoes).... i am DEFINITELY not a fashionist by ANY means.... in fact, i like cute styles, i just have NO clue how to put them together myself.... i can look at someone and think "oh that's cute." but the second i put an outfit like that on myself, i think "UGH! how disgusting and lame this looks on me!" sooooo, i take it off, and it's never to be seen again.... and then i end up buying something that looks like everything else i already own.... it looks ugly and i end up not liking it and wanting to burn it, along with every other old lady piece of clothing i own.... the only thing i really spend money on are my jeans.... because i wear them so much and it's kind of hard to find a nice, form fitting pair of jeans.... 

well now, 2 kids later, my body's a little different than it's ever been. i USED to complain before, but now, it's by far, the most uncomfortable i've ever been with myself.... i still hurt from all the issues (and surgery, and tailbone issue) since my pregnancy and even after..... i tried to start going on little walks and such, but it would absolutely kick my butt.... i honestly started feeling hopeless and disgusting.... jason swears i look amazing, but i feel like he feels obligated to tell me so.... he said that i just upset him when i think i look terrible when there are "so many women who would give anything to look the way i do." that's great and all, but i'm not talking about other women.... i'm talking about ME and how i feel NOW! 

i had a lot of self worth as a single mom.... and although i didn't realize how much help i had, until now, i still felt pretty darn good about what i was providing.... i worked fulltime (and many extra hours after fulltime). i can remember staying so late one night during our audits, that taylor curled up in a ball under my desk and fell asleep after we had eaten pizza that was delivered to our office (i feel absolutely horribly guilty for this now, but i did what, felt like, had to be done at the time....) it was the only job that i could have that would allow us to live in Irvine with the great schools and such.... 

i often daydream about the day i am able to go back to work and work that hard again.... but jason's fear is 1. i am not physically ready to work the way that i did before.... i can't even go for a nice brisk walk without hurting..... and 2. that once i go back under the high stess i was under before, that it'll come between our marriage. 

it's hard to really zone in and FOCUS on yourself.... although looking back, i was a very selfish person, i felt i was taking care of what needed to be taken care of.... now i do it, but in an entirely different way..... i realize that our children's happiness and our marriage's happiness, is going to come with ME being happy... not just being content, but being HAPPY.... that doesn't mean owning nice big huge things, but it means by truly doing things that are productive. it means being happy for our kids.... being happy for my husband....

so many of us, can and DO tend to focus on the not so great things in our lives, and if we all did and CONTINUE to do that, then we can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be the victims.... it's a lethal way of life.... i sometimes can still catch myself doing that....  if i want a certain something, i can think of all the reasons why it should be that way.... 

AND I WILL START WITH THIS example:

all i could think about was going back to work.... i wanted to work. i wanted to interact with people. i wanted my paychecks. i wanted my commissions. i wanted my starbucks every morning. i wanted to dress up and feel pretty. i wanted to feel like i was contributing to our family, the only way i've ever known how to.... financially.... 

EVERYTHING else went out the window for me. i didn't care that, physically, i wasn't ready to. i didn't care that mentally, i wasn't ready to either.  I didn't have a plan.... and this drove my husband NUTS.... even more than driving Jason nuts, it drove me nuts... WHY did it drive me SO nuts? because i'm a control freak!!!!!!!! i didn't know how long it was going to take for me to get better. i didn't know if or WHEN i'd be able to go back to work.... i still don't. i know mentally, i'm exhausted from, not just being a mother of 2 children, but for physically not being myself since February of this year.... that wipes any person out.... you think you're fully capable of doing everything you did before.... and you don't understand why you can't do it, or when you tap out much sooner than you ever would have before, you feel nearly worthless! IT SUCKS!!!! there's no other way to say it.... it just flat out SUCKS!  mentally, i am used to trying my hardest and being the best at it... at whatever that may be... (usually work related).... i try my hardest to be a great wife, and haven't felt extremely good at it until more recently.... when you pull away from yourself and look at the good of the family.... you tend to feel a lot better....

HOWEVER.... there are times, that i go INTO myself, and AWAY from my codependency ways (of wanting to take care of everyone BUT myself).... maybe it's so that i don't have to pay any attention to myself and all my issues.... i can fix everyone else's and then it somehow indirectly repairs mine.... yeah, well it doesn't work so well that way.... i usually end up getting way too overwhelmed, and i need to learn the balance.... BUT back to my HOWEVER... so there are times where i DO need to pull in to myself and my wants and my needs....  

when i worked, i could buy myself whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted it.... pretty much.... okay, so maybe not really, but when i was SINGLE, i didn't have anyone to "report" to or "consult" with.... sometimes, my selfish ways and tendencies tend to take over, and i feel like i shouldn't have to "report to" somebody about what i want to buy.... HOWEVER, when i look at it more as "consulting with my partner about where our money goes, before it goes there," it makes it a little more "bearable." (is that the proper spelling, because for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem right.) anyway.... we've talked about how we've ideally wanted our finances to be, and we really haven't done all that we should to set up the proper accounts.... however, the SPENDING part isn't too bad.... we just both think that we could probably be saving more if we set it up the way we originally talked about....  

a while back, i had talked to one of my friends.... (they are married, and very happily married) they are actually 2 people who i loved to watch with each other.... i asked how they'd handled certain things and put it in my head that one day, ONE DAY, i would love like they did.... they are just such a happy couple with two hearts just overflowing with love.... they are great with kids, great with friends, great with family.... and especially great with each other.... i loved that about them. anyway, back to my story. i had asked them about their finances, and how they handled that.... they said they NEVER bicker about money, because they set it up early on like this.... they each have their own checking account, and this is where their monthly "allowance" goes into. (say you guys decide on $200 a month, or whatever it is you can afford to have, to pay the bills and still save money.... that $200 may differ.... it may be $500, it may be $100).... out of this account comes the items you want for yourself, maybe a pair of shoes.... maybe it's a birthday or Christmas gift for your partner (and you don't want them to know where you went or how much you spent).... maybe it's a round of drinks or dinner for your friends.... whatever it is when you want to "treat," YOU will really be "treating" (not both of you be treating)....  1 joint checking (where all the money for the bills goes....).... and 1 joint checking (where all the extras after bills and allowance goes).... this way, if you want to purchase something, you can use your own "allowance" money to purchase it.... now IF we had set this up awhile back, i would have the money to purchase these boots that i want.... but we haven't yet done that.... we've been saving.... in our joint savings.... because we want a house.... jason does most of the saving and i do most of the spending.... he NEVER buys anything for himself! i wish he did, but he doesn't care about that kind of stuff.... he'd rather buy stuff for us or save.... (which is the reason we'll eventually be able to purchase a home rather than rent for the rest of our lives).... his "allowance" account would be more like his own personal savings acct, and my "allowance" account would most likely always have a zero balance.... ha! booooo! but anyway.... i found these boots that i liked.... no.... i didn't like them, i REALLY liked them.... i loved them. i wanted them. felt like i had to have them.... because not only did they go cute with my jeans, they were even cuter with the dress i tried them on with.... 

THIS, now THIS was going to make me happy! it was going to kind of play out that cute fashion i talked about earlier and how i DIDN'T have it.... (but thanks to the girl at Nordstrom, this cute fashion i had in mind was actually kinda coming to life!... so THANKS girl at Nordstrom!!!) =) anyway... the price tag on the boots were $229.95.... *gasp* yeah, i know, right? NEVER before would i have imagined ever spending money like that on shoes, but i honestly don't ever find shoes that i'm like "okay, i gotta have those." these boots, went with more than one outfit.... i could see how i could wear them with a bunch of other ones, and so i finally decided that these were the ones i'd wanted.... these $230 boots.... 

i didn't even want to TELL jason that i'd found boots i wanted, because i knew the first question would be, "how much are they?"  i knew he would laugh when i told him how much they were.... he said, "yeah... pssssh. that's crazy."  anyway.... being that there isn't anything i DON'T tell him, i told him anyway... and yes, he thought i was absolutely insane for wanting a pair of boots, which he broke down to $115 per boot.... and completely not worth it.... 

we wheeled and dealed and laughed and joked about these ridiculously priced boots.... but i still wanted them.... and i still didn't have them.... but would buying these $230 boots really make me happy? or would i feel guilty? like i shouldn't have spent this money on myself.... i should be saving it for our house.... would $230 really make or break our house? well every little bit helps, right?   ohhhh whatever.... i think that part of my wanting the boots so bad is that he doesn't want me to have them.... that's the truth! i REALLY want these boots, but i probably want them 10 times as bad because he doesn't want me to have them.... he wants me to "learn" how to want something without always getting it.... BUUUUURN!!!! i don't want to WANT something and to NOT get it.... but i guess i should kinda practice what i preach to my daughter, right? 

anyway.... to make a long story short.... my mind goes in to this whole thinking process thing about, if i lied to my dr and said i felt fine and went back to work and had my OWN money coming in, i could buy my OWN boots with my OWN money.... but the reality of it is, is that if i had THAT much more money coming in, we should be saving it and would probably would be actually purchasing a home rather than waiting until i'm completely healed and better and heading back to work and actually working again.... did that make any sense?

okay.... so anyway.... i just want to be better already.... boots or no boots.... 

i'd also like to say that i am GRATEFUL for my husband for helping me to step outside the mind of a selfihs, controlling, single mother.... =)

.... but i still want those boots....

Monday, November 9, 2009

the leaves change..... and so do i.

Fall is here.... 
the colors go from green, to brown....
the leaves fall from the trees.... 
and crunch on the ground....
the windows are fogged in the morning.....
and my truck is all wet.
my seat is cold when i get inside, 
and even the seatbelt strap sends chills over me when i buckle myself in....
and it's like a morning routine....
to roll the windows down and back up again....
to turn on the windshield wipers.... once or twice....
now i can see....
now i can go....
now i can move ahead....
forward.... 

it's funny what a season can do to you....
the leaves change, and so i must.
why doesn't summer make me feel that way?
why does summer just make me want to sit poolside with a glass of sweet iced tea and sunglasses on.... 
why doesn't summer make me want to be productive?

oh for whatever reason it doesn't.... maybe just this year, especially, because all i could worry about was having a baby.

so anyway.... here i am.... with all these dreams i want to make come alive....
all these ideas just going crazy to come to life.... really!!!!
which one do i start with?
will it be the right one?
should i start another one first?
what do i do? i don't know!!!!
i don't like not knowing!
that's so hard for me!!!!
i have learned to pray and give it over to God to handle.... 
but i've yet to have a peaceful answer as to what i should do first.... 

so as for now.... i've scribbled a mess down on some paper.... on this yellow lined, and spiral bound notebook.... 

a few bills paid today. some laundry's in the washer, now to get into taylor's room.... 
i need to throw away bags and bags of trash and goodwill stuff.... because when we move again, i'm not moving the junk.... that is still a few months away, but those few months will creep up on me, i know.... i can't wait for more room.... i can't wait for a yard.... so until then, i am thankful for all that we have. for this beautiful home that we were able to live in for 7 months now.... i'm thankful for a great school for taylor to attend.... for the safety of our neighborhood, and being so close to my mom and pat.  i'm so grateful that i have an amazingly wonderful husband who looks after us with SO much love.... 

and so, i am looking forward.... 
out of my wet windshield.... wipers going.... i can see a little more clearly....
rolled down all the windows.... they're still wet.... and a little foggy, but they're clearer than before.... 

so here we go, love and craziness and all.... here we go.... 

the leaves change.... and so must i.... 
and so i will....
change.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

carpool confusion....

so, this is probably one of my biggest confusions and pet peeves....
i thought the point of the carpool lane was to "encourage" people to drive with 2 or more people.... and as a "reward" for doing so, you are able to drive faster (than the normal lanes), right?

WRONG!

time and time and time again, i see buses.... BIG buses.... motorhomes.... in the carpool lane.... okay, we get it.... you guys have more than one person in your beast of a vehicle.... but you are HOLDING UP traffic.... so why don't you just get OUT of the carpool lane and go slow OUTSIDE of the carpool lane rather than going slow INSIDE the carpool lane.... 

then you have the people who drive with 2 or more people in their regular vehicles, be it a compact car, suv, full size luxury vehicle.... they have 2 people in it, so they think they are just automatically supposed to drive in the carpool lane.... NO FOLKS!!!! that's not how it works!!!! you get into the carpool lane to go faster than regular traffic.... IF you want to drive with the rest of the traffic, or slower, then stay in the regular traffic.... okay?!

i'm sorry.... i had to vent this.... this happens to me EVERY single tuesday i drive out to long beach and it just urks me to no end! 
patience patience patience.... i know. ;)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Construction Production....

so, i've been in a bit of a slump lately, mentally....
if there isn't something to complain about, i'll find something to complain about....
you say it's purple, i'll say it's turquoise....
that's just how i've been....
and i don't want to be.
and i don't mean to be, but my goodness, if i'm going to be miserable, i'm dragging everyone down with me.... 
subconsciously, of course.
NEVER would i do that intentionally....
and that's the truth....
so i've been sitting here thinking about what i can change to make my life better.
well i DON'T want to, nor will i ever, change my husband. 
i DON'T want to change my hair (i need to let it actually grow out, because i'm quite confident my hair cut was inspired by the new jack in the box commercial.)
i DO, however, want to change my clothes. my wardrobe. oooooo that would be nice.
i WOULD love to get back into my small group that i was attending at church, and go every thursday morning again.
i want to work out nearly every single day. 
although my weight is back to normal, i still feel like my stomach needs to tighten back up. 
i guess that's just where i need to start with the things that i DO want, rather than what i do not.... stating all my don't wants isn't going to get me very far.... but it sure will get me negative.... and down in the dumps.... 

so here begins the building of my productivity.... everyday, i will find something productive to do. not just something small, but maybe a few small things.... a big thing, maybe a few big things.... whatever it may be, i need to do it.... and do it consistently.... cooking more.... saving money.... all that good stuff.... =)  

many thanks to my lovely husband for just being simply amazing. ;)  LOVE THAT MAN! =)

now off to be productive.... ;)