Sunday, February 28, 2010

mr. higashi.

so i remember him putting his hand up in our faces.
he didn't want to eat.
he'd turn his head.
he didn't want to talk.
he wasn't rude.
he was Japanese.
he had cancer.
in his throat.
of COURSE he didn't want to talk.
it was in his esophagus too.
it turns my stomach when i think back to him.
but i loved that man and his family.
he wouldn't eat for anyone.
they told him he was going to have to have a G-Tube put into his stomach (feeding tube).
he didn't care.
he wasn't going to eat.
i remember going in there and literally pleading with him, trying to bargain with him to get him to eat.
he was slipping away.
much faster than we could even keep up with.
i remember all the different iv's and "vitamins" they'd feed him. they tried.
they really tried.

i remember one day, i cleaned his glasses.
i told him he didn't have to eat, but he was going to be clean.
he didn't have to eat, but he had to be cleaned.
he didn't like to be bathed.
he didn't want to be touched.
he just wanted to lie there.
he didn't want to wear his glasses.
he didn't want to move.

but this day,
we cleaned him up.
we combed his hair.
we cleaned his glasses and even put them on.
he let me.
and he smiled.
his food came in, and i asked what his favorite food on that tray was.
it was the chocolate pudding of course.
i leaned down and whispered in his ear, "i don't blame you. that's my favorite too!"
he smiled.
i told him we'd skip all the other stuff, and we'd eat the chocolate pudding.
he smiled.
and so we did
we skipped the other stuff on the tray....
the beef probably could have gotten up and walked away....
all the other stuff, just sat there. looked gross, i can only imagine how it tasted.
probably.... gross.

i spoon fed him chocolate pudding.
and he ate it.
each bite.
and he swallowed.
painfully, he swallowed.
the way he swallowed made me want to hold my throat and swallow for him.
he would squint his eyes as hard as he could, and SLOWLY gulp each bite....
if i could have swallowed for him, i would have.
i really would have.

it's the small things we take for granted, you know?
like being able to swallow.
put food in your mouth, chew it up and imagine you can't swallow it.
keep it there in your mouth as it gets even more soggy....
your mouth gets more and more full of saliva....
you just swallow it.
imagine what it would be like if you couldn't....

mr. higashi finally began to talk to me....
he motioned for me to come close to him,
and of course i did.
he said, "mmmm.... it's soooo good."
and he would smile.
this went on for a while.
on my days off, he wouldn't eat.
he just flat out wouldn't eat.
if i was working and someone else had him, he wouldn't eat.
i'd go in and feed him.
his family asked that i take care of him when i worked.
it was a bit flattering, but i wished he'd eat for others too.

he was a funny guy.
he began talking a little bit more with me.
i always asked him about his pain level, even while he was eating.
he'd say "no pain."
i said, "well you just made a face like that REALLY hurt."
he said "it's okay. im just acting."

i loved this man.
i mean i genuinely fell in love with his family.
every single one of them.

i remember the day that came when the dr said a decision needed to be made.
he needed nutrients and either he needed a G-tube placed or he'd be sent home to pass peacefully.
i remember that day his wife pulled me into the hallway and asked me what i would do.
she said she didn't know what to do and she hadn't ever imagined she would have to make a decision like that.
he wouldn't make the decision either.
he just put his hand up anytime anyone would talk to him.
he wouldn't eat.
he wanted all the tubes out of him.
he was trying to take them out himself.

i remember his wife sitting in a chair with a tissue to her nose telling me she never thought she would have to do this.... she was telling me about their life together and the fun things he did before he got sick.
i remember kneeling at her feet with my hands on her knees, crying too....

i found the journal entry from that day....
i kept my journal with me at all times, because sometimes.... sometimes it was just too much.
i was helpless.... again.
i was helpless and didn't know what to tell her, but we talked it through and she decided that he wouldn't have wanted to have the surgery and live that way....
so she took him home....
and he passed away 5 weeks later at home....

i found the card his family sent me with a much younger picture of him.
i cried all over again....
oh mr. higashi....
how you will be missed.

quit breathing, you're fogging up the windows....

"would you quit breathing? you're fogging up the windows..."
when i really meant to ask, "would you quit talking?"
i didn't mean for him to go and die on me now....
heck, he's the light of my life.
the sunshine in my day.
the apple of my eye.
or whatever else they say....
he's all of that good stuff.
i'll just say, "he's the chocolate of my life." (now THAT'S some good stuff !!!! speaking of chocolate, i just found a 1 lb see's candy gift certificate in my underwear drawer. YESSSSSS!!!!!)

so last night, we went to a wonderfully stuffing sushi dinner.
i ate so much, in fact, i could feel sushi backing up into my esophagus....
to try to push the sushi down, i thought a sliver of cake might help, but then i realized my stuffed esophagus was very much like a clogged toilet and that adding MORE toilet paper (or cake) to a clogged toilet (or esophagus) was only going to worsen or overflow the situation....
thankfully i didn't hurl.
(and thankfully he didn't either.)

he must have said "cheers", well let's just say, far more than i can ever remember him "cheers"ing anyone before....

he was having a good time.
and i felt torn.
there was the motherly (aka Godly, bossy, spazzy, crazy, controlling wife) side of me that wanted to say "there now. you've had enough."
and then there was this other side of me, that, (again in this relationship, just sat back and let the man make his own decisions) enjoyed seeing him so happy. he wouldn't stop smiling. this week has been a good one, i tell you.
jason is a hard man to buy gifts for.
he owns very little, but tells you he has all he needs and/or wants....
you think you'll surprise him with something, but chances are he won't like it or he won't be able to enjoy it because, if you've spent even a dollar on it, you've already spent too much.
wellllll, i made up my mind, that his care for money needed to go out the window and i wasn't going to listen to his voice in my head that i normally do when i get him a gift, because, by golly, i was going to get him a gift and make his birthday special this year.

so.... made a great dinner (slow cooked a pot roast all day with some potatoes and carrots) which turned out great (thanks mom for the seasoning and coffee idea! ) baked some homemade chocolate chip cookies ("from scratch cookies", as jason likes to call em) he LOVES these by the way.... we got him a mountain bike for his birthday this year. we'd all like to get out more, and, well the next big holiday that would call for any kind of larger gift giving would be either our anniversary or Christmas, which (both) would be in December, and well far beyond the sunny days of wanting to actually get outside and ride a bike (the summertime!).... so it was necessary that we make the "bike purchase" now... only, i don't have a bike either, so do i buy us BOTH bikes? well then if i did that, i'd be spending probably about 500 bucks and if i bought myself a bike, then it really wasn't like a birthday present for HIM.... anyway, borrowing mom's old one until we figure that part out. woo hoo. (thanks, again, mom!)....

so last night.... sushi dinner.... with the rest of our families.... combined. a bunch of people.... lots of talking, and laughing and pictures and just a good time. and then there was Lewie.... who fought like heck to be a good boy.... but he struggled. he was tired. he wanted his bed. he didn't like the noise from the other parties that joined the place at some point during the night.... lewie's arching his back, screaming his little head off. his face is BRIGHT red, and he is just NOT a happy camper. but over all the noise, jason couldn't hear it. he was at the other end of the table, laughing and chatting with everyone. (i LOVE to see my husband this happy, by the way) so that "motherly" side of me that wanted to call it a night, was a bit overpowered by the side of me who is thankful for a husband like him. he never goes out, never spends any time with his friends, and if you ask him, that's the way he wants it.... to be home with us rather than out at some bar that he's spent the last 10 years at.... (or maybe he's just saying what he thinks i want to hear?) either way, i'm grateful, that i NEVER wonder where my husband is.... i NEVER go to sleep alone... i NEVER have to wonder if he's driving under the influence of anything. i am just grateful. very, very grateful.

he enjoyed himself last night, as did i.
i enjoyed watching him socialize with everyone.
i baked a yellow cake (with CHOCOLATE frosting) and took that with us to the japanese restaurant and at some point after our sushi stuffing fest, we decided we'd better sing happy birthday to Jason.
well the ENTIRE restaurant decides to sing happy birthday, and by "the entire restaurant" i mean "the ENTIRE restaurant"....
someone even shut all of the lights off and the only thing lit was his cake.
it was awesome!
and when everyone cheered after the singing, someone flickered the lights on and off while the ENTIRE restaurant clapped and roared and whistled....

now, my husband....
he's a quiet guy.
a shy guy, don't-go-big, i'm-not-a-birthday, kind of guy....
but he was loving it....
even i could see that.
and THAT is a wonderful feeling....

we wrapped it up shortly after the cake part, and headed to the truck.
he gets in the truck and looks over at me and softly says "i love you baby."
i didn't know if he was talking to Lewie or to me (taylor went home with my mom and poppa a little bit earlier)....
i looked over at him and he was just smiling at me....
he told me i was his most favorite person in the entire world....
his most favorite person ever....
ever ever ever....
it made me smile....
i wanted to acknowledge him and go on about how much i love him and how much he is MY favorite person in the world, but didn't want to interrupt his "i love you so much" speech....
so i let him go on....
he'd say it again , "you're my favorite person in the world mama. you're so good to me."
and i said, "i hope i'm your favorite person! you're stuck with me forever."
he said, "i'm not stuck. i choose to be here."
sounded very much like something i tell him almost daily....
i'm not stuck.
i choose to be here....
and what an awesome choice.
what a HEALTHY choice.

so really, when i thought "stop breathing. you're fogging up the windows," what i really wanted to say was "stop talking, you're fogging up the windows."....

but instead, i tightened the scarf around my neck, turned on the "anti-heavy breathing" defroster and listened to him tell me, again (*batting my eyelashes*), how wonderful i am....

no, but really.... stop talking, you're fogging up the windows....

Thursday, February 25, 2010

29 reasons why i am in love with my husband.

because he includes Taylor in everything and lets her do things I probably wouldn't.....
because he's got to be the coolest easter egg dyer around....
and taylor adores him. (and so do i)

because he's a gangster. ha!
because he has my kiss tattooed on him. =)
because he looks AMAZING all dressed up....
for the feelings this picture brings me.... the best day of my life, marrying him!!!
because he is an amazing kisser.

because he went to high school musical on ice with us and sat in the first row, and chased me around with taylor and him yelling "WE'RE WITH THAT LADY RIGHT THERE!!! THE ONE IN THOSE JEANS AND THAT SHIRT WALKING FAST TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM US!!!!!", through that megaphone he's holding....
because he toasts apple cider with us on new years eve.... no big parties.... just the 3 of us at home for our first new years together....
because i never thought i'd want another child again in my life, until him.... and then our first little boy came along. this was Lewie's very first picture at 9 weeks and 6 days. jason and i couldn't stop looking at this picture.
because he's so much fun in the snow. (him and Tiki sliding down the hill on a disc)
because he is SO fun to be around, and can make me laugh at any moment and like no other human being on this planet!!!

because he is just SO incredibly handsome!!!
because of moments like these....
because even when i was as big as a hippo, he still loved me and told me i was beautiful and doing a great job, everyday....
because he pushed me around in a wheelchair with balloons in his pocket on the 4th of july so i could be part of the street parade too. =) (and he let me stuff my face with icees)
because only HE would keep his hat on while i had surgery.
because this was the view from my hospital bed when Lewie was born.... it makes me smile everytime. =)
because he is such a loving man....
because he takes one for the team....
because of images like these....
because he helps me give up control and lets taylor be a kid.... and get dirty... when i'd probably be freaking out right about now.
and then when i give up control, he makes me see the wonderful results.... like taylor's incredible pumpkin. =)
because he gives me beautiful flowers for no particular reason at all.
because this picture makes me smile.... it's a feeling of completeness that i've never ever felt before....
because he's fun and playful....
because he's incredibly thoughtful....

because who else would have a hydration center on their side of the bed for me to pick up after.... constantly....

because he's beautiful every... single.... moment, and he doesn't even know it....
because he is my very best friend in the whole wide world and i give thanks every single day, especially today.... 29 years ago he was born....

Happy Birthday my love.
I love you more than I will ever be able to show you in my lifetime....

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

self control, meet Ashley.... then say goodbye.

so, it's plain and clear.
i need self control.
and i found it.
i met her today!
in a quick run to the mall....
Hellooooo self control....

i needed to go to the apple store for iWork for my macbook.
i didn't take Lewie's stroller, purposely, so that i would carry him.
which means i wouldn't last long at all in the mall
(not that i would anyway)
but, this worked out even better.
i parked right by nordstrom (stupid me), but that's right next to the apple store.
it wasn't as difficult to walk by it on the way IN as it was on the way OUT....
but i didn't even give it a 2nd thought....
no way, no how.
no money to spend.
keep walking.
(after all, i'd just spent enough at the apple store for the stinkin iWork)
needless to say, it felt WONDERFUL to walk straight past Nordy's without spending a dime.
(that darned store gets me every time)....
i even drove home for lunch.
i didn't mooch any off of my mom or her house,
nor did i stop at the drive thru on the way home.
i came all the way home and made a bowl of pasta alfredo. YUM!
Jason would be proud....

until.... came time to heating it in the microwave.....
i pulled the brownies out of the micro, (because i had to heat up the pasta, and that's where we keep the brownies so they don't get dried out and so that Asia doesn't devour them)....
and they were calling.... no SCREAMING my name.... "ASHLEY.... please eat me before we get hard and die...."
and so i ate them.... well a sliver.... probably a little bit shorter than a plastic knife and no wider than one either....

good bye self control....

.... at least i didn't stop at Nordstrom....

Monday, February 22, 2010

questions to the mistress.

i called her earlier today, twice.
i called her once in the morning.
she didn't answer.
and then again around noon.
she obviously hadn't heard the news.
he's gone.
he's been gone.
for some time now.
she musn't befriend anyone mutual, or she would have known that by now.
my heart isn't at peace.
not with her.
or the other woman.
heck, maybe there were more, but those were the only 2 i could ever reach.
and i reached them both.
it's not my place.
sure, it's not my place.
but it wasn't their place either.
sure it's not my place to want answers, but i still do.
what goes through a mistresses mind when she knows a man is married, but continues to follow everything against what is right?
i want to know.
a big part of me wants to be the voice that no one ever had....
so shame me for wanting to know.
but i still do.
and shame me for asking what i want to know.
but i still will....

moments i love #2: brownies and welts.

tonight was another good laugh.
you know, jason and i love chocolate....
fart oo much. ha!
far too much....
to the point, that if it's in this house, it's getting eaten.
i don't care WHAT kind of diet you think we should be on, that chocolate is SO getting eaten.
well tonight....
i go into the kitchen after dinner, and thought i could sneak a sliver of brownie without him noticing.
well let me tell you something about my husband.
nothing, i repeat, NOTHING gets by my husband.
i thought i got away with the sliver, and decided to sneak another....
when i hear pig noises coming from the living room....
it took a second to register, but once i was stuffing my face with the second sliver (yes SLIVER) of brownie, it hit me that he was making PIG NOISES from the living room.
i looked out and asked, "are you making PIG noises at me?"
he just started laughing hysterically.
it made me laugh too.

it reminded me of my dad.
and i laughed super hard.
so i get a big glass of water (to make me feel better about eating 2 SLIVERS of brownie), and i come into the living room.
just as i walk IN to the living room, he walks OUT of the living room and into the KITCHEN.
i begin making pig noises without even seeing what he's doing, because i KNOW he's going for those brownies (mind you, i'd already brought him a PIECE, not even a sliver, but a PIECE of brownie.... a CORNER piece too.... those are his favorite)
so he comes walking back out into the living room with 2 more pieces of brownies.
he tripped on something and fell onto the couch, where he started CRACKING up and INHALED a piece of brownie.
he's grabbing his chest, laughing soooo hard, and when he can finally breathe again, (although still laughing) he says "i didn't even get to TASTE that bite, i need another piece!!!" and he is laughing soooo hard again....
i'm laughing, so hard to the point my eyes are watery.
i asked, "what did you trip on?"
he says, "i have no idea. something just jumped out and bit me!"
and he INSISTS that he didn't even get to TASTE that piece of brownie, so he DEFINITELY deserves another one.

we love chocolate.
that's a given.
we love each other.
that's also a given.
i sure hope that our love for each other is stronger, because i have a feeling we're going to be old and fat and still eating chocolate brownies....

oh and while i was cooking dinner tonight, jason comes in the kitchen and wraps his arms around my waist... he kisses the back of my neck and pulls my shirt down (in the back, you pervert! to look at my back.... this goes hand in hand with the welts i've been getting for whatever reason lately....)
he softly kisses the back of my neck and whispers in my ear, "is that a welt on your back honey, or are you just happy to see me?"
immediately killed the chills down my arms, and had me busting out in laughter....
i love laughing with my husband.
it's such a wonderful remedy.
such a wonderful, wonderful remedy.

situation #2: *thump*

it came to the point where i literally feared opening the front door.
would it be the thumping that i'd hear this time?
or would there be silence?
but if it were silence, would she be sleeping?
would she even be alive?
you imagine that.
driving up.
parking your car.
and the only other car parked there, is the one of the person you fear, yet love the most.
my heart would race, and i'd fumble my keys telling myself to hurry the hell up before i gave her another minute alone.
who knew what that extra minute would allow her to do.
and if she were freshly dead, i would blame myself for not having turned the keys fast enough....

so if i walked in and heard thumping sounds and her crying,
it was a good day.
she was still alive....

moments i love #1: a good laugh.

so last night jason and taylor were watching america's funniest videos.
i was far too antsy to sit down and watch or go to bed, so i decided to make brownies. so i went into the kitchen and closed the little slider door (you know the ones that like come out of the wall?) yeah, so that sliding door was closed and it was just asia (our dog) and i in the kitchen. we could make as much or as little noise as we wanted without interrupting their tv watching.
so i'm making brownies and was just going to surprise them.
i cracked egg #1 into the bowl when all of a sudden BAM AHHHH!
jason was banging on the sliding door while opening it and absolutely scared the LIFE out of me.
i'm pretty sure my face (or ALL of me) turned white and i jumped towards the kitchen sink (and window), and although i have absolutely NO idea where i was going, i knew i was going somewhere.
fight or flight.
i was fleeing the brownie making scene!
he laughed SOOOO incredibly hard (he and taylor both).
literally, he sat on the couch holding his chest from laughing so hard.
i held my chest too, but that's because i thought i'd suffered a mild heart attack.
my eyes were watering from laughing so hard! (and maybe crying a little)
i HATE being so scared like that!
but it made for a good laugh for everyone.
taylor says "dad, next time we gotta videotape mom and send it to america's funniest videos."
thanks for the support T!

anyway.... Taylor and lewie go to bed. jason's out in the living room, lying on his stomach.
i went and lied on his back and told him (in the sweetest voice possible) to do pushups with me on his back. i was tickling his neck, and annoying him beyond words.... he couldn't stop laughing and everytime he'd turn his head, i'd whisper in his other ear. "come on honey. do pushups."
he acted like he couldn't breathe (or maybe he really wasn't acting).... he said "i.... can't.... breathe.... " lol. it made me laugh.... so i got off of him and laid on my stomach next to him and said, "come on honey, do pushups with me." he said "i can't. my wrist." (he broke his wrist years ago right before going on a surfing trip. BUMMER!) his wrist still bothers him today. =(

so the oven goes off and he jumps up and we both go to the kitchen and cut little slices of brownies and eat them. he then goes for seconds. i said, "honey, we should really work out together." he looks at me, and asks "you mean, instead of eating (*stuffs his face with the brownies*) brownies in the kitchen together?"
we just laughed so hard.
oh it was one of those moments you just had to be there.... his timing was perfect as he shoved the 2nd helping of brownies and edges in to his mouth.... i love my husband.
i really do.
i think we'd have a lot of fun working out together....
if we could just find some time to do that.... that'd be fantastic!
oh and new bikes would be even better....
so... i guess new bikes are what's up next!

to many more treasured and shared laughs with my lovely husband. =)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

situation #1: the speech.

so i decided that the best way to tackle the garage would be one box at a time.
one box or as many boxes as i could sit and tackle at a time.
today, i pulled up a wooden chair that the owner of the house left behind.
i sat in the wooden chair and began pulling items (of no match or relation) out of this box.
there were a bunch of leaves mixed in to this box, which leads me to believe that this box must have been sitting outdoors at some point for some time to accumulate all these leaves....
i'm pretty sure it would have been on the patio of one of the last 2 apartments i'd lived in.
i can't really remember packing this box, and i don't really know when i did, and it had to have been within the past 2 years, as there were some things from my dad's funeral in there too.

i came across this clear sheet protector (actually it was pink) and it held a few of my report cards from high school and a few sheets of information for a small scholarship i had received and then folded up into a small square in between these papers, rested another.

i pulled it out and unfolded it about 3 or 4 times. they weren't even really straight folds. and there were torn edges. maybe chunks of other parts of the speech were ripped off. maybe she changed her mind at the last minute, but i came across a speech she had written for my high school graduation. and to be entirely honest, i can't even remember the speech being given, or where it was given at, but i vaguely remember the stomach-wrenching feelings associated with the speech. i remember the words coming out of her mouth, with her polished up face and perfectly pieced and placed hair and some sort of black outfit. how do i remember this, but not the speech or where we were, or who even heard the damned thing anyway?

it made me sick.
i read it today and it made me sick.
thanking me for being "everything i wish i could have been."
is that why you have spent your whole life trying to make mine so pleasant?
is this the way you repay me?
i remember the stories of being the strong one.
i remember being the one there when no one else was.
i remember being the one who bought your lies.
yes, i remember those times.
i remember the time you promised you were going to get better for me, because if no one else in the world deserved it, I DID....
you promised me as you lie there in bed, bruised up from your own self destruction sweating and congested from crying so hard.
yes, i remember those images and times in my life soooo vividly.
they are BRANDED into my head.
and shame on me for not knowing how to let those horrible images go.
shame on me for not knowing how to get that damned THUMPING sound out of my head.
that thumping was YOU....
shame on me, for still not knowing how....
how to do anything that i really truly feel.
so i take a step at a time.
i take a breath at a time.
and stare at your face.....
i see your soul.
i see your soul, that i don't even know you can see for yourself.
i shake my head.
i hang my head.
i shake my head.
shame on me.
shame on me.
shame on me.
cut the umbilical cord that i somehow attached to you.
shame on me for feeling the obligation to help you.
but i tried.
i tried the best that i could, and it wasn't enough.
it was never enough.
it will never be enough,
because i will never be able to help a soul who does not care to help themselves.
so cry on the curb about your pain.
about the pain that everyone else has caused YOU.
take a step back and look at the pain and discomfort YOU have caused everyone else....

here i go.
a step at a time.
and as far as your speech,
i know that wasn't for me.
it was for you.
it was so everyone could look at what a sweet person you are, and what a great speech it was....
you know, i still couldn't throw that speech away today....
i'm sure my therapist will enjoy it just as much as i did....

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

another regret.

another regret is that i didn't take more advantage of school when i was living back at my moms when taylor was younger.

i moved back in to the lakewood house when i was pregnant with taylor. and went to school until the semester i was going to have her, then i took classes after she was born. she was born in september and i started classes again in january.... and i did well for a while.... and then i don't know what happened. my need to work became greater than my need for school (or so i thought, at the time)....

and so here I am.... many of years later, still undecided of what to do about the situation.... am i too old to get a degree and pursue a career I'd more than love to do? Is that "career" way far out of reach and would I even be successful at it anyway? I would love to do it, but where would I start? I have no idea.... I just know that I'd love to do it....

HOWEVER, I must say that my ideal career, years ago, was nursing.... i have a heart to help people for sure.... it's just that in nursing, my emotions were never separated from home, and that was hard.... VERY hard.... i am not sure that i could take that.... i didn't have this idea years ago to follow an entirely different career path, but now i do, and i just wonder if it's too late.... financially would we be okay if i pursued this career? i have no idea. Jason says we'll be just fine. and 99.9% of me trusts that we would.... i think that other .1% trusts that too, but just wants to help anyway....

i regret not going to school and finishing school years ago while i had the best opportunity to do so.

ginger, man hair, and the food police.


the ginger shampoo has been working wonders on my super ultra dry scalp.
am i the only person in the world who has the dryest scalp EVER?
i hate it!!!!
buuuut, at THE BODY SHOP (in the mall), there is this ginger shampoo that has been working wonderfully! i love it.
although it's a bit pricey, it works! so.... if you have a dry scalp, go try it. it works!

man hair.... am i the ONLY person in the world who pretty much dislikes every razor i've ever used? the only ones i seem to like are jason's. but i'm sure he doesn't want me using his razors. but then again, he'd have no idea if i did, but i wouldn't do that to him.... but i could buy my own razor head thingies and just use his and switch them out when i want to use it, but that's too much.... or i could just buy one of my own.... but do girls really use guys razors? oh i don't know. are my legs really as prickly as a man's face?? oh heck. does anyone have a razor that they absolutely LOVE? i have the venus breeze right now, and i'm not a huge fan.... soooo.... i'll be looking for a new razor soon. =)

the food police....

i said i was going to start walking in the mornings, so that i can HOPEFULLY get better much sooner. and so that i can lose some of this extra weight.... never once did i say i was on a diet. so tonight, after making chili and cornbread for dinner, and drinking a whole bunch of water... i made dessert. and the only reason i made the cinnamon rolls was because the expiration date was approaching quickly... i didn't want to waste them.... so i made them. my lovely husband comes in the kitchen and says (in the sweetest voice EVER) "is that part of the diet honey??" and he kisses my shoulders and my cheeks.... my response was, "i said i was going to walk, not diet!!!!" he said, "sounds like what i said to you earlier...." (about going and getting the starbucks after walking).... i just thought it was kind of funny. i am self conscious, but i'm not going to make myself miserable by "dieting" and cutting EVERYTHING out that i like.... soooo, needless to say, we all enjoyed a very scrumptious cinnamon roll!!!! YUM!

Jason is now asleep.... he has been for the past half hour.... the lights are out and i'm lying in the living room.... listening to lewie cry in the room.... sometimes it really doesn't bother me, other times, it does.... now is one of the "other times." his "voice" is highly annoying and nothing sounds better than my pillow right now.

oh another side note, my armpit is pretty much all healed. the gaping hole is closed and doesn't make that almost slurping sound after i shower. GAG!!!!! oh that was SO gross.... i decided against posting the picture.... after Poppa INSISTED that no one wants to see the hole.... i would LOVE to see something like that.... but then again, he says i'm weird.... i don't think so.... but maybe....

Lake: Day 2

was a success.
I walked around the lake for the 2nd day in a row.
Not even going to lie, it hurt like heck, but felt good at the same time.
now, i DID end up craving starbucks afterwards.
I called Jason, and he said he thought that i should go treat myself to one anyway.
he said, "you don't want to associate working out with not getting to reward yourself, so just go get one. on any normal day, you'd have a venti one and you wouldn't have done any walking or exercising, so go for it."
so i did.
i planned to downsize to a grande rather than a venti, but hit autopilot mode once i got to starbucks, and ordered the venti.
didn't even notice until i got my drink that "darn it! i meant to order a grande."

while i was "waiting" for my drink, there was this older man (probably close to 60? white hair, heavier set, hawaiian shirt and jeans on) He kept looking out the window as if he were looking at his car or something. it seemed odd for the amount that he kept staring out. when he finally turned his back to the window, some young girl in workout clothes comes in with a crumpled note in her hand. she walks straight up to that older man, and smacks him in the chest with the note and starts cursing at him and smacking him. she gave him a good shove and he whispered something (my guess would be to calm down or something of that sort) and she yells LOUDLY, "NO!!! if you're a lying, cheating piece of _____, then everyone's gonna know about him!" *smack* then heads for the door, which she nearly breaks as she slams it into the brick/stucco wall on her way out.... AMAZING! the guy leaves Starbucks (and the 2 drinks that he ordered) and chases her out and back to his mercedes SUV. they yell and flail their arms a little more, before they both get into the SUV and drive off....

at least they both put on their seatbelts.... however i'm not entirely sure I would have gotten into the vehicle with a crazed woman after she'd just found a note like that. b/c if that were me (before Jason and Lewie, oh, i would've flipped out. it's been known to happen) MAN, i am thankful to not have that "stuff" anymore.... a good solid trusting relationship is wonderful.... and i DO thank God (and my husband) for that, most definitely!
so i just left a little bit less than half of the drink to throw away and ended up actually eating breakfast today. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing.... i'll let you know after I weigh myself....

today, right now.... on the scale, fully clothed and having eaten, my weight is.... 144.2.

i'm thoroughly convinced the extra .2 lbs is definitely muscle.... pssssh.
i'll keep ya posted.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

i'm interested in your stories. "i regret."

i'm stealing this idea from another blog that poppa showed me.
this blog was asking for people's biggest regrets and fears and other things....

you can post anonymously, but i'm curious as to other people's regrets.... i'll post more in due time....
i guess mine won't be anonymous, being that i'm the writer of this blog, but here goes one of mine anyway....

a regret of mine is this....
i regret not learning how to FORGIVE sooner.
I regret not truly accepting people as they were, sooner.
i'm not entirely sure i could have done this any other way....
but it took me a very long time to learn how to forgive people, and to accept people just the way they were.....

there was a time in my life when i had been cheated on, horribly. horribly to the point it made me vomit at the thought of it. i'm not talking just gagging... i'm talking full on running to the toilet and puking my brains out, vomit. JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT made me sick. the amount of betrayal that is behind that. the amount of stupidity you feel on your own behalf. you feel stupid. you feel like you were SO incredibly naive. how did you not see that one coming? how could you have picked someone so poor for yourself? i think the disgust was more on my own behalf than on the person who did the cheating. i just felt stupid. i wondered what was wrong with me, but only for a brief moment.... i don't know what it was about this time in my life, but i didn't blame myself for long.... i KNEW it wasn't me or my lack of anything. i knew the cheating was the other person's emptiness and dysfunctions and lack of self esteem.... i knew that they needed to be needed by someone other than me.... i had a lot of hate in my heart for some time. Although, looking back, it didn't really last as long as it probably could have. This was the time in my life, when I learned to LET GO.... I learned that you don't have to HATE the person who did wrong.... you have to look at how you are treated and ask yourself "is this how i allow myself to be treated?" i wasn't okay with that treatment. For the first time in my life, i wasn't going to allow myself to be treated this way. i wasn't going to make excuses for this person. i wasn't going to "remember the good times," because i had a dream of my ideal relationship. i had a dream about my ideal person out there. i didn't know if such a man really existed, but i dreamt about him.... i did.... and i made a promise to myself that i wouldn't stop searching until i found him, and even if that meant i'd be alone forever, I wasn't going to settle. I wasn't going to hold on to something thinking and hoping that it would be the best thing i would ever get. i wasn't going to believe that "this is how all relationships would be." i wasn't going to do it!

anyway.... my dad was really sick during this time. he was weaker than i'd ever seen him. all of this weighed on my heart at the same time. i'd gone out to help take care of my dad for a little bit of time, and during this time, i felt like a little girl all over again. i rushed out to help my stepmom care for my dad, and i think that in some part of my heart, i was hoping that he'd see the goodness in my heart. maybe i was secretly hoping that he would see what a "good" girl i was.... now looking back, i didn't think those things consciously at the time.... i had spent much of my life wanting him to "see the goodness in me." THEN there came this time when I KNEW the goodness in me.... i don't think i ever got the response i'd hoped for from my dad, but i did have an epiphany while i was there with him. I remember him saying something to me, that i'm almost certain he didn't mean, but it hurt my feelings so much. i remember thinking to myself, "i'm NEVER going to be good enough for him." i remember walking outside onto the front porch and crying and laughing a little at the same time. i had kept hoping that he would suddenly see me as this "good girl," that he'd somehow magically say he loved me and was so proud of me and that he wished he'd spent more time with me. i don't know what i was really wishing or hoping for, but i think it was something along those lines.... and then it dawned on me.... THIS is my dad. THIS is the way he is. THIS is the way he feels. THIS is the way he thinks.... THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is my dad.... AS-IS.... he is grumpy, happy, funny, silly, outgoing, stern, negative, helpful, strong.... THIS is my dad.... he wasn't that man that was going to constantly tell you what a great job you were doing, although he would every now and again, he'd likely tell you how you could improve before he'd tell you how fantastic you were doing.... he was always looking ahead at how it could be better.... right now, in the now wasn't ever good enough, and NOW.... NOW i can appreciate that because it constantly kept me striving to be better.... but there came this point where i felt like i was tapped out. i was maxed out and i was all that i could be. that was when i was there taking care of him. i was a full time employee, and i left my job at the drop of a dime to be there with him. i was a single mother to a beautiful little girl, that i left to come take care of him. i was building a relationship with the Lord, and I was learning to forgive. I was learning to accept people AS-IS.... that was beyond difficult for me.... but it was that moment, that i was knelt down next to his bedside, looking up at his face, that it hit me.... THIS IS MY DAD!!!! And I love him. i love his grumpy grumbles. I love his insults. I love his love for sweets. i love his kind heart. i love his wit and his sense of humor. i love him. and as much as i could have disagreed with some of the decisions he had made, it didn't matter right now.... i REGRET that i didn't know that sooner.... now, i'm not entirely sure i COULD have known that sooner, but i somehow wish i did. i think it would have allowed me to enjoy things (and life) a lot more, sooner....

i guess this story is still so incomplete.... there are so many other feelings that go into these two separate yet very connected stories.... i learned to let go, and i learned to accept what just was.... it was all out of my control.... both of the stories were out of my control.... but i accepted them both.... i let go of both.... i just regret that i didn't learn this sooner....


okay. so i'm so incredibly tempted to post the picture that taylor took of my armpit when the incision was open and the packing was hanging out of it like a little umbilical cord....
it's terribly disgusting,
but part of me just can't help it.....
it might (no, it WILL) make you sick, but....

and i wonder why i can't lose weight...

every single morning, i drop taylor off at school, i immediately drive to starbucks for a venti white peppermint mocha frappuccino and yes, with whipped cream....
i've never cared to know the calories, fat calories, grams of sugar, sodium, or any other number or measurement of anything in the drink, because i like it. period.
and i was pretty sure nothing would change my mind of me drinking that....
it wakes me up.
starts my day, and besides that, it takes the perfect amount of time, so that when i finally get home, Lewie is (usually) ready for his morning nap.... and that's my time to get anything done....

well.... today was different.
sort of.

i went there....
i looked up the nutrition information for my drink (minus the peppermint flavor), which will add more sugar and fat, for sure)

and here it was....

Serving Size24 fl. oz.
Amt Per Serving
Calories 550
Fat Calories 160
Total Fat (g) 18
Saturated Fat (g) 12
Trans Fat (g) 0
Cholesterol (mg) 60
Sodium (mg) 370
Total Carbohydrates (g) 89
Fiber (g) 0
Sugars (g) 78
Protein (g) 9
Vitamin A 10%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 30%
Iron 2%
Caffeine (mg) 155
yeah, is your stomach expanding just reading the nutrition, or lack there of? i'm pretty sure the button just popped off my shorts.

i'm so incredibly sick of looking at myself in the mirror every day (and night for that matter), and knowing that i'm really not doing much about it.
i CAN'T do a whole whole lot of working out, walking, climbing, step aerobics (which i absolutely LOVE doing, SHUT IT!), or running.... well i can't run at all, so kiss that one good bye, but i'm doing a little bit of walking here and there.
i don't know if it's the anxiety of not feeling all the physical pain while walking, but then feeling it later at night, or if it's feeling it right in the middle of walking and then feeling like i'm stuck somewhere.... i don't know what it is, but i haven't gone out or walked for SOOOOOO long! i seriously get anxious about going to the stores, which i KNOW sounds absolutely ridiculous. i get nervous if there isn't a close parking spot, and i'll actually LEAVE the store if i can't park close enough.... this was far worse when i was pregnant, because i WOULD get stuck somewhere and just have to stop.... and tap out. i haven't had to "tap out" lately (well besides at the dentist a few weeks ago), but that's probably because i haven't really honestly done a whole lot outside of the house. what have i allowed myself to become? soooo afraid of feeling pain, that i don't do anything..... ugh! how pathetic does that sound?

okay, so once you're done reading this blog, you can just forget you even knew this about me, k?
so last night when changing into my pjs, i caught a glance of my stomach in the mirror.... it's nothing i'd be caught in a bikini with.... that's for sure.... so i'm done.
i'm sick of feeling like this.
i'm sick of making a sandwich, and wanting to eat extra slices of cheese and turkey (but i DID stop myself today, in fear of those extra slices and calories going straight to my gut)....
i don't want to hear a SINGLE word about my weight from any of you!!!
that's NOT what i'm looking for AT ALL!!!!
the only person that knows how you feel about your body, is yourself....
i know what i used to look like in a bikini,
or in front of a mirror for that matter....
i don't want to be caught dead in any of the clothes i used to be able to wear before.
shirts that used to hug my stomach (and they could.... i was okay with that),
are found wrinkled at the bottom of my drawer.... or shoved towards the back of my closet....
i'm not going to do it.
i'm not going to put them back on until i have the stomach i want.
so i looked up some exercises that i could do online for after having a baby, and even more so after a c-section.
i'm pretty sure my stomach muscles were shoved all around and out of the way and that's probably part of the problem with my pooch/gut.... but whatever, it is, i'm over it.
i'll cut the flab out myself if i have to. (okay so not really, but i'll work really hard at getting it gone)....
i think i've made a conscious decision (and committed, FINALLY!) that when i go take taylor to school in the morning, i will put lewie's stroller in the truck and walk by the lake every morning with a bottle of water, instead of going to starbucks.
the walk isn't long, my truck's nearby, i'll take my ipod and jogging stroller and walk....
and hopefully i'll have better news about my weight and shape sometime soon.
weight today on my TAYLOR scale in our bathroom.... 144.0 right now, fully clothed, after lunch (turkey sandwich, salt and vinegar chips, and some gatorade).... i'll let you know my weight in a week maybe? and just in case you're wondering.... i am a tad bit over 5'8" and pre-pregnancy weight was about 138, i think? 138, but with a much flatter tummy, for sure. i'm over the numbers (well, kind of) and definitely care more about the shape.... the flab.... the flatness.... oh and the sisters upstairs could use some help too, but no surgery for me.... baby #2 sure did a number on my body.... booooo....

so... here's to a new shape and much better health....