Thursday, February 4, 2010

a selfish man's soul.

7 yrs.
4 months.
3 weeks.
and 2 days old.

there's so much resentment built up.
and damages no one, but me.
the resentments are so far repressed,
that most of the time, i barely even know they exist.
but they do.
and every now and again, i know, very much so, that they exist....

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.
to go to the gym.
to do homework.
to go on a date.
to go to a party.
to drink.
to dance.
to vacation.
to be everywhere else, but here.
you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

you've lived south of us.
they've all lived north of us.
we were right in between.
but the phone calls never came,
when you'd pass our house.
you'd just continue driving north,
in one of your many new cars....

what a selfish man's soul does not know,
is the pricetag on a child's life....
the cost to raise a child.
the food they eat.
the doctor's appointments.
the childcare.
the clothes.
the fundraisers.
the games.
the hobbies.
the cost of a home in an area worth living in,
where you don't fear your child's safety,
and you know they are receiving a wonderful education.

what a selfish man's soul does not hear,
are the whimpers of her cries....
"i'm hungry."
"i don't feel well."
"i want. i want. i want."
"i don't wanna take a bath."
"i don't wanna go to bed."
"i don't wanna eat that."
"i don't wanna go to the dentist."
"where's my other shoe?"
"where's my homework?"
"what should i wear?"
"what should i eat for breakfast?"
"how do you spell....?"
"look it!"
"mom! look!"

what he can't smell,
is her freshly brushed breath,
blowing in your face to ensure she's brushed well enough.
he can't smell,
her freshly washed hair
that smothers your face when she hugs you goodnight.
a selfish man's soul cannot smell
the dirt on her hands when she's fallen in the sand from jumping off the monkey bars,
or swings.
you can't smell the freshly baked brownies,
she excitedly awaits to finish baking....
she mixed them herself, you know.

what a selfish man's soul doesn't feel
are her arms around his neck.
or her lips pressed to your cheek.
you cannot FEEEEL her love from a distance.
you cannot FEEEEL her pain.
you cannot FEEEEL her heart's desires.
her wants.
her yearns.
you can't FEEEEL any of that.

a selfish man's soul cannot see
the growth in her height.
her crooked smile.
her face light up when she figures something out.....
her gappy smile, when she loses another tooth.
you cannot see the letters she writes to the toothfairy or to Santa Claus.
you cannot read the books she writes.
(unless of course I order extra copies for you)....
you cannot see the work she does at school, unless i show it to you.
you do not donate money for her to win a prize,
as she jumpropes to help children with sick hearts.....
you cannot see her glue foam hearts together and lay them all out for every member in her family....
you cannot see the distance that she feels.

she needs not my words to figure it out.
i leave them out.
she is above and beyond any level of intelligence you could ever imagine.

but a selfish man's soul....
would never know,

the goodness of her good soul....


Ani Meador said...

A-FREAKIN-MEN! Truer words were never "written" and I have never seen them written so well.

Jenni Newman said...

Very well written but.... at the same time, thanks to that very selfish man. Without him you wouldn't have her and my oh my what fun she is!
Great photo!

Stephani Nicole Anneler said...

WoW you know how to give someone chills...great post ashley....I dont mean to be nosey but what happened with Taylor's dad? Why is'nt he apart of her life, how could you not want to be apart of her life?? You are an amazing mother and in result you have 2 amazing children!

buymebarbies said...

Oh Ashley!!! I hear the little girl in you speaking...I'm so sorry. You want so badly to point out to her all the bad things but refrain, because you know it's not in the best interest for her. She will realize it on her own without your help, once she's older. She will also realize how much he missed out on and how much you tried to fill in the emptiness!! It really is his loss, you know that....I love you!! said...'s like watching yourself grow up...without your dad...and now your daughter....without her dad.... this tore my heart. But dad was in and out of my life...even when he was living with us, he wasn't "there". I have only a handful of moments that I can treasure and when I examine them in any real light...they are so pitifully lacking in any real commitment to me, his daughter. They are mostly times when I was allowed to share some of his time. I always felt special and loved if he just let me "tag along". And on the times I can count on one hand, there were things he did that made me feel like he was really looking at me. Just a difference from my Carl, who thinks Joey makes the sun rise and set. He and Joey walk arm and arm on the golf course, laugh at the same dumb movies sitting next to each other on the couch, eating the same goofy chilie dogs. Imagine a 16 year old boy yelling from his bedroom, "Mom, when is dad coming home?" because he wants to be with him and tell him something that happened that day! What a joy to see what fatherhood really can be. Carl wouldn't miss a minute of Joey's life. Carl "lays down" his life for his son all the time. Nothing is more important than being a husband and father. Wow. A man who knows the Lord, knows how to be a real man. Thanks be to God.