Monday, November 5, 2012

yes. i am back.

I was so close to being convinced that I'd completely lost my passion for writing.  I LOVE to write, but I just haven't been moved enough to sit down and commit to my laptop again.... eh, I take that back, I have probably been moving too much to even think about pursuing and continuing my relationship with my blog.... but I miss it.  I miss so much about it.  Probably first and foremost, I miss my friends on here (and yes, I mean that).  There are some absolutely amazing people I'd met and followed on here and I do think about and miss you dearly!  Then there's just me.... I'm a full on emotional individual.... I think a lot of my best writing came from my highs and lows.... my in-betweens just weren't as exciting or well written, pretty much like this post, however, I have an overwhelming urge to write again.... to pick up where I am and just go with it.... SOOOOOO much has happened since I was here last.  We had twins, bought a bus and moved to Tennessee. just kidding.  There are no additional heathens in our home (just the ones that existed the last time that I wrote).  I don't know exactly how I'll catch up on everything that's gone on, but I'm sure it'll come around as needed.

Some things have changed.... and some things have not.... For example, I still have absolutely no idea as to what I want to be "when I grow up."  I have been taking a class or two a semester in a desperate attempt to keep my remaining brain cells alive, however, I'm not sure if I'm keeping them alive, or driving myself even more crazy.... Jason continues to support my awful efforts to find something that I'll actually enjoy.  I don't know why I always expect him to laugh at me when I tell him that I'm going to take another class, because I go from my science courses (nursing pre reqs), to Real Estate, to Psychology.... to I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'm currently in the middle of the last two.... I'm finishing up another Psychology course, and then twiddling my thumbs, knowing there is still a void in me.... it doesn't move me the way I'm looking to be moved.  I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess I'm waiting for something to come along and literally sweep me off my feet like a fairy tale romance or something.   I can do stuff.  Hell, I can do LOTS of stuff, but I want something that I am passionate about.... when I am full of passion, the results are incredible.  I feel stuck at the moment.... and for quite some moments lately.... but not hopeless.  I know there is something out there for me.... and I know it's going to hit at the most perfect time....

Bear with me as these initial blogs will likely bore you to death.... but I've set the foundation for my little heart to build on.... I am thankful to be back here.... I hope to catch up with so many of you all and your wonderful blogs! I've missed you terribly!

Thursday, July 19, 2012


I have slowly felt the spiral and thought to myself, no one, NO ONE, should have to live this way. No matter how evil or broken, no one should feel their heart whirl around like a tornado.... Almost like it's coming up your esophagus, ready to blow your head off.... That's sort of what it feels like inside.... The expectations go from minimum to great, allowing for far more disappointment. The letdowns feel more frequent and the "support" feels non existent, but only because the expectations are so great.

I've laughed in his face and asked him to hold me. I've done that before. Sometimes i'm not lovable or huggable or very inviting.... But when he asks, "what can i do to help you right now?" sometimes i just say, "just hold me." and the wonderful thing (most of the time) is that he will.... He does.... But not tonight. And tonight, holding me could have gone a long way. I didnt ask to be held.... Instead, i rolled over and threw my warm arms over his warm chest.... He was wrapped in blankets, and soon enough it was a big pile of too much warmth.... He was snoring already, but the fantasy didn't drift because he did. I'd envisioned rolling over, throwing my arm over him and him holding me even closer. He usually does, but not tonight.... I've somehow managed to dismiss most of my thoughts and opinions for a long time.... But it doesn't mean they disappear.... It just means i've rescheduled them for a later time, and well, being that i have terrible ADD, it seems as though i've done some poor planning and rescheduled everything for the exact. same. time. This only intensifies EVERYTHING. Every little feeling you felt feels big. And then you begin to examine your every thought, feeling, and heartache under a microscope. You try to identify it. Its place of origin. Its age, or how long its been around or how long it plans on staying around. You know, most if the time things are good.... In fact, most of the time they're great.... not to day that things aren't still great right now, i guess it just means i've slowly managed to fail to see the glory at this moment. When your thoughts and feelings race like shooting stars and your mind travels at the speed of light, you whip your head around for that "one...." You, almost in a panic, look for your "one." His name is Jason. He's my one... the one who can always see a circle when i see a box. The one who's at a 1.2 when i'm at a 12, ready to jump.... Jason's the laugh to my cry... The save to my spend.... He's the logic to my emotion.... The sunblock to my fair skin.... He's the calm to my storm.... When i talk to him, it's like putting my glasses on right out of bed.... Everything blurry, becomes clear.... The tragedy becomes a blessing or at least not so tragic.... It's wonderful, love is.