Wednesday, October 28, 2009

the truth is....

the truth is....
nothing on earth is perfect, but commitment is.
true commitment. 
permanent commitment is about as perfect as you will find here on earth....

i'd be lying if i said everything in my life is perfect.
it's not.
it's hard.
and we work at it every single day.
having two children is hard.
being a wife is even harder.
being out on disability from early on in my pregnancy, and a wife and a mom is probably the hardest....
the hardest i've had it in a long time.

there are very many things in this day and age that i have come to want to change.
i WANT to learn to cook more.
i WANT to be a lot more organized and not so scatter-brained.
i WANT to be a better mother, wife, person, and follower of God.
I want to be a better woman.
and so i work at it.

many men in this world are fixers. 
they're pleasers and they want to make their partner, girlfriend, wife, whatever.... happy!
they can do this for a while.... they can buy her things and talk sweet to her and do nice things, but it only goes so far if they aren't taking care of themselves as well.

i never thought i'd say this in my lifetime, but a happy husband makes for a happy wife and vice versa! VICE VERSA!!!!! it works both ways!  many women just want to make their husbands happy too! men aren't the only ones!!!!

If people would give this (alone) up, i think so many more people would be a heck of a lot happier.  you know the rule on the airplane, before you take off.... how the flight attendants tell you, "should we lose pressure in the cabin, and oxygen is needed, please put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others."  (or whatever it is exactly that they say).... the point is, is that if you lose consciousness, what good are you to help anyone else? right? i mean, it's common sense....  acts of kindness are great, when they are just that.... acts of kindness.... no expectations. no expected response, other than genuinely wanting to make the other person know that they are loved, respected, admired, appreciated, or whatever else your message or point is.  if the sole purpose is to "MAKE" the other person happy, you've missed the sincerity all together. 

i know this is probably coming out completely different (and probably even not making much sense) than it was in my head, but i am trying to make it make sense....

a woman should not hold a man responsible for her happiness.... she cannot lose herself in a relationship, or a friendship or a marriage. she should not lose herself.... EVER!  

and vice versa.... YES women, VICE VERSA!

a man cannot hold a woman responsible for his happiness.... he cannot lose himself in a relationship, friendship, or a marriage, or anything else.... he should not lose himself.... EVER!!!!

anyone who really knows me, knows that i've spent VERY little time AND/OR effort in the kitchen.... EVER! no matter who wanted me to do what, i didn't care. i wasn't getting in the kitchen for A-N-Y-O-N-E! (NOT EVEN MYSELF!) HATED the kitchen!!! it was honestly my enemy. anything i attempted, i pretty much failed (with the exception of brownies).... other than that, it was a complete failure....

now, more than ever, i actually try being in the kitchen, and cooking, and i TRY new recipes, and coming up with things that will go good together, rather than putting a meal together like i used to (IF i cooked). if i cooked, sometimes it was a quesadilla, and some good ol' grands biscuits and maybe a hot dog without a bun.... yeah those 3 things together would be a meal of mine.... whatever was in the fridge and fast and easy to make.... i was all over it.

there are a few different reasons i actually try more now.... 1. because it saves money and saving money is important to both jason and i. 2. because it's healthier (usually) than eating fast food all the time. 3. because i haven't been cleared to go back to work yet, and i am home all day, and try to find things that will make me feel better as a person. i want to find things that i will enjoy and also find things that will help me in the future.... just make me feel good. cooking for my family, and saving money at the same time.... that makes me feel good.

i've watched my stepmother over many MANY years and how much she cared for and nutured my father.... i've watched my mom and my stepfather together and although it is not my mom waiting on my stepfather the same way my stepmother nutured my father, it is a different sort of give and take.... my mom cooks now more than she probably ever has before, because she can. because she has the time and she enjoys it. she worked her bum off to raise us 3 girls with the lifestyle she gave us.... there are things i take from both types of relationships that i like and dislike. i like to watch other people and learn from their ways.... something i have learned from Sharon ( my stepmom), is to love the Lord.  i'm sure many of you out there are thinking "yeah yeah." i know! that was me at one point too!!! but loving Him, makes you a much better person inside.... you live with an entirely different purpose in life. to do good. to serve Him. to love your family. to help people when you can. you reach out. fellowship.... you have mercy on other people and rub out their sin rather than rub it in!!!! 

i never understood that! i would rub it in. i would nag. i would complain. (i still find myself complaining more than i'd like) but i've also learned to accept a lot more than i probably ever would even think about accepting before.... and by accepting i don't mean, "hurt me. continue to hurt me.... please." by accepting, i mean, "do i have control of that? no. how would i LIKE to react to that? what is my ultimate goal in this situation? in this lifetime? in this world?" my ultimate goal is to LOVE. it's to Love, to forgive, to spread His word, and His love and to impact the lives i am in.... i am to find what i am good at, and to do it.... 

the truth is, that marriage is not perfect. i'd be lying if i said it was. but neither is anything else. when you commit to someone and set the boundaries.... the absolute "not okays".... the bottom line.... when you BOTH set the bottom lines.... and don't cross each others bottom lines.... when you continue to find a way to communicate through your differences (because trust me, there will be many).... when you find a way to continuously remind each other, peacefully, of your long term goals.... together, it's possible. it is possible, together!!!!

i love jason because i CHOOSE to love Jason. 
I love Jason because i WANT to love Jason, not because i have to. 
not because i married him and feel like these things are things i HAVE to do....
i CHOOSE to do them. 
i want to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better follower of God. 
i haven't ever felt that way for anyone before. 
i've TRIED to love before Jason. 
i've tried to force love that wasn't the kind of love i wanted it to be.
i tried.
but never have i felt the way i do about him, with anyone else before.
i am a passionate person, with a passionate heart about many things....
the same passion that allows me to love, is the same passion that allows me to cry....

i felt a little bit lost last night, and read Psalm 30 before bed....
"... weeping may remain for a night, 
but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5 NIV) (thank you Mimi for sharing this one a while ago.... I remembered it last night and went straight to it)

i wake up this morning to find my daily devotional about being reluctant to show mercy.

"In Biblical fellowship, people will experience mercy.  Fellowship is a place of grace, where mistakes aren't rubbed in but rubbed out. Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice.

We all need mercy, because we all stumble and fall and require help getting back on track.  We need to offer mercy to each other and be willing to receive it from each other.

It's impossible to have biblical fellowship without forgiveness because bitterness and resentment always destroy fellowship. Sometimes we hurt each other intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, but either way, it takes massive amounts of mercy and grace to create and maintain fellowship.

The Bible says, "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." (Colossians 3:13 NLT).

The mercy God shows us is the motivation for us to show mercy to others. Whenever you're hurt by someone, you have a choice to make: Will I use my energy and emotions for retaliation or for resolution?

You can't do both.

Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don't understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past.  Trust has to do with future behavior.

Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. "

and so i leave on this....

"when people sin, you should forgive and comfort them, so they won't give up in despair." (2 Corinthians 2:7 CEV)....

being a friend, a TRUE friend.... being a girlfriend, a dedicated girlfriend.... being a wife, a committed wife.... being a mother, a follower of God.... is not easy. it's just not. but when you are COMMITTED in anything that you do, the results are awesome, amazing, beautiful, heartwarming.... and the list goes on.... Trust me, if nothing else i say to you in this life, that when you LOVE God, and stay committed in everything that you do, your end results are all worth it.... every single one of them.... never said they were easy, but they sure are worth it....


No comments: