Tuesday, October 6, 2009

cookie cutter.

So I find myself repeatedly asking myself the very same question, in many different forms, (nearly) every single day.

Am I really cut out for this? Am I really made to be a mom, a wife, staying at home, cooking all meals, packing lunches, grocery shopping, making everyone's drs appts, volunteering for the kids school? Am I really cut out for this?

You know, some people were boooorn for this stuff. That mom on 18 kids and counting. She was cut out to do that stuff! She teaches them, cooks, does all that, annnnd she's usually always pregnant! She was born to be a mom. And a good mom so it seems. So patient and soft spoken.

and then there was me!!!
i have a planner, and i usually write stuff in it, but half the time i forget to look in there, and i end up missing half the stuff i signed up for anyway....
sometimes i make dr's appointments and THINK i filed it somewhere in my head, only to show up at the wrong doctor's office! who does that? ummm, i do!

i am soooo incredibly burnt out lately....so tired. i haven't been sleeping very well (neither has Lewie, during the day).... he sleeps pretty decent at night... usually 12 to 13 hours at a time.... but he refuses to sleep during the day.... taking little cat naps for 20 minutes here and there.... i can't get much done without him screaming.... so i've started to just get done what needs to be done while he screams.... it sucks, but it has to get done!!! i find myself driving faster when he's screaming.... or moving faster when he's screaming.... even if it's a hobbling, wobbling painful faster, i get sooo incredibly anxious, that i just somehow seem to want to get it over with (whatever it is) faster!!!!

i find that when i'm overly anxious or exhausted, usually being productive (and praying) help a ton!!!! sometimes it's SO incredibly hard to even think straight. today, i actually went into the kitchen to get something out of the pantry to put into his diaperbag, and i ended up just shutting the pantry door.... with me in it!!!! i needed quiet!!! i wanted to pray sooo badly, but i couldn't even think with his loudness.... so i closed the door and prayed....

it seemed to work momentarily, as i was able to pray, before I opened the door to his crying again. you know, my gut tells me that he doesn't feel well... maybe his formula upsets his stomach, as he cries soooo much and spits up/throws up sooo much.... the dr said it's normal for them to spit up/throw up 10% of what they eat every feeding.... and that babies just cry, that's what they do.... now i know i shouldn't compare babies, but I don't EVER remember taylor crying and spitting up like this.... EVER! maybe because i was already back to work by this time.... ? i don't know, but his next appt is on the 30th and i do look forward to that one. i hope jason gets that day off, or at least can be at his appointment. he was there for his 2 month shots (thank goodness) because i wouldn't have been able to stand it! it makes me sick!!! especially being as emotionally unstable as i've been!

i ask that these next few weeks continue to go smoothly, and that i am as productive as i can possibly be at this point....

i don't know what our future plans hold, but for now, i'll continue to be this little cookie cutter thing of whatever i am.... i'll see where it takes me.... *sigh*

i shouldn't really sound so ungrateful.... i have a wonderful husband who busts his butt so that i can be home with the kids right now and not have to stress out about rushing back to work even though i'm not completely better... financially we are okay right now.... i have what many women would ideally want! i just wonder how long this will last.... and what i'm really meant to be.... cookie cutter? eeehhhhh....

1 comment:

Ashley King said...

i started this post on october 6th.... and just went back and finished it today.... goes to show you.... i kinda get interrupted at times... this was one of them.... but i went back and finished it! =)

i still felt the same way today as i did when i started this post.