and i wonder why i can't lose weight...

every single morning, i drop taylor off at school, i immediately drive to starbucks for a venti white peppermint mocha frappuccino and yes, with whipped cream....

i've never cared to know the calories, fat calories, grams of sugar, sodium, or any other number or measurement of anything in the drink, because i like it. period.

and i was pretty sure nothing would change my mind of me drinking that....

it wakes me up.

starts my day, and besides that, it takes the perfect amount of time, so that when i finally get home, Lewie is (usually) ready for his morning nap.... and that's my time to get anything done....

well.... today was different.

sort of.

i went there....

i looked up the nutrition information for my drink (minus the peppermint flavor), which will add more sugar and fat, for sure)

and here it was....

Serving Size		24 fl. oz.
		Amt Per Serving
Calories		550
Fat Calories		160
Total Fat (g)		18
Saturated Fat (g)		12
Trans Fat (g)		0
Cholesterol (mg)		60
Sodium (mg)		370
Total Carbohydrates (g)		89
Fiber (g)		0
Sugars (g)		78
Protein (g)		9
Vitamin A		10%
Vitamin C		0%
Calcium		30%
Iron		2%
Caffeine (mg)		155

yeah, is your stomach expanding just reading the nutrition, or lack there of? i'm pretty sure the button just popped off my shorts.

i'm so incredibly sick of looking at myself in the mirror every day (and night for that matter), and knowing that i'm really not doing much about it.

i CAN'T do a whole whole lot of working out, walking, climbing, step aerobics (which i absolutely LOVE doing, SHUT IT!), or running.... well i can't run at all, so kiss that one good bye, but i'm doing a little bit of walking here and there.

i don't know if it's the anxiety of not feeling all the physical pain while walking, but then feeling it later at night, or if it's feeling it right in the middle of walking and then feeling like i'm stuck somewhere.... i don't know what it is, but i haven't gone out or walked for SOOOOOO long! i seriously get anxious about going to the stores, which i KNOW sounds absolutely ridiculous. i get nervous if there isn't a close parking spot, and i'll actually LEAVE the store if i can't park close enough.... this was far worse when i was pregnant, because i WOULD get stuck somewhere and just have to stop.... and tap out. i haven't had to "tap out" lately (well besides at the dentist a few weeks ago), but that's probably because i haven't really honestly done a whole lot outside of the house. what have i allowed myself to become? soooo afraid of feeling pain, that i don't do anything..... ugh! how pathetic does that sound?

okay, so once you're done reading this blog, you can just forget you even knew this about me, k?

so last night when changing into my pjs, i caught a glance of my stomach in the mirror.... it's nothing i'd be caught in a bikini with.... that's for sure.... so i'm done.

i'm sick of feeling like this.

i'm sick of making a sandwich, and wanting to eat extra slices of cheese and turkey (but i DID stop myself today, in fear of those extra slices and calories going straight to my gut)....

i don't want to hear a SINGLE word about my weight from any of you!!!

that's NOT what i'm looking for AT ALL!!!!

the only person that knows how you feel about your body, is yourself....

i know what i used to look like in a bikini,

or in front of a mirror for that matter....

i don't want to be caught dead in any of the clothes i used to be able to wear before.

shirts that used to hug my stomach (and they could.... i was okay with that),

are found wrinkled at the bottom of my drawer.... or shoved towards the back of my closet....

i'm not going to do it.

i'm not going to put them back on until i have the stomach i want.

so i looked up some exercises that i could do online for after having a baby, and even more so after a c-section.

i'm pretty sure my stomach muscles were shoved all around and out of the way and that's probably part of the problem with my pooch/gut.... but whatever, it is, i'm over it.

i'll cut the flab out myself if i have to. (okay so not really, but i'll work really hard at getting it gone)....

i think i've made a conscious decision (and committed, FINALLY!) that when i go take taylor to school in the morning, i will put lewie's stroller in the truck and walk by the lake every morning with a bottle of water, instead of going to starbucks.

the walk isn't long, my truck's nearby, i'll take my ipod and jogging stroller and walk....

every

morning.

and hopefully i'll have better news about my weight and shape sometime soon.

=)

weight today on my TAYLOR scale in our bathroom.... 144.0 right now, fully clothed, after lunch (turkey sandwich, salt and vinegar chips, and some gatorade).... i'll let you know my weight in a week maybe? and just in case you're wondering.... i am a tad bit over 5'8" and pre-pregnancy weight was about 138, i think? 138, but with a much flatter tummy, for sure. i'm over the numbers (well, kind of) and definitely care more about the shape.... the flab.... the flatness.... oh and the sisters upstairs could use some help too, but no surgery for me.... baby #2 sure did a number on my body.... booooo....

so... here's to a new shape and much better health....

*cheers*