Wednesday, April 28, 2010

it's not JUST a lizard... it's a LIZARD!!!!!

so i'm not entirely sure which "exercise" was more beneficial today....
going on the bike ride with Lewie....
or trying to chase the lizard out of my garage once we got home.

yeah, you'll say, "it's just a lizard ash."
or something like that....
but it's not JUST a lizard!
it's a freakin LIZARD!!!!

do you KNOW where my mind goes when something that i don't want in my area disappears in front of me???

example.
the spider that was crawling in our bathroom today (thanks to jason who leaves our slider screen open in the master bedroom.... the screen does not CLOSE all the way.... do not leave this screen open, as bugs and other wanted crawly things may enter through this!!!!)

anyway, back to the spider by the toilet...
i go to get the dustbuster to suck this thing into the dustbuster where i can smash it to pieces because i HATE spiders release it outdoors and into the wilderness....
spider must've HEARD the dustbuster coming, or the wind must've blown it, because as i got closer to him, he crawled up underneath the back of the toilet and i couldn't see him, and there is NO way i was going to stick my face under the toilet to see him. he'd probably JUMP on my face and bite me or something....

so seriously. i have not used the master bathroom since this incident for fear of one or all of the following:

-spider will crawl onto the toilet seat and bite my butt

-spider will crawl onto the toilet seat and into my clothing without me feeling it, but then later on in the day, i'll feel a tickle somewhere and then suddenly realize something is crawling somewhere it totally shouldn't be (like my butt) and then i'll rip off my clothing and go running down the street or store without my pants, and i'll get arrested and thrown into jail for indecent exposure

-spider will bite me while on toilet and i will die from its poison and jason will come home to me slouched over on the toilet, and how traumatic would that be? only to find out that i died of a spider bite....

-spider would crawl onto my legs and i would get so scared, i'd either have a heart attack, or jump through the glass shower door,
(but then that might be sort of a good thing, because i don't like glass shower doors anyway), but then that's what was here when we moved in and our landlord would probably want her house back the way she gave it to us, and.... well.... i guess it just goes back to being a bad thing.... oh yeah, and i might lose a leg if i did that.

so if that's just a spider in the bathroom, imagine what went through my head when the lizard was in my garage???!!!

i saw him run about 12 inches into the garage... so he was still pretty close to the entrance of the garage. i can get him out with a broom, no problem, right?

WRONG!!!!!
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!

i stop right where i'm at, and start taking lewie out of his bike seat. (the bike will tip over if i don't, and don't ask me how i know that, just take my word for it).

so i'm taking him out of his seat... okay, now what?
i can't get the broom and hold lewie and try to move the lizard out of the garage all at once, so i totally TIPTOE like on the opposite side of the garage....
yeah, i wonder what my neighbors thought of me TIPTOE-ING (i don't know how you'd spell that) into my OWN freakin garage!!!
and then the lizard BAM! runs under jason's stack of 5 surfboards (and surfboard cover that's slightly hanging off the side of the top one)
CRAP!
i hurried inside and put lewie in his crib, put my backpack down and went back out.
still didn't see the lizard anywhere, so chances are, he was probably still under the surfboards....
i get the big push broom off the wall and move the cover off of the surfboards....
i'm mumbling under my breath about how jason shouldn't have just SET his surfboards on the ground, but instead should have put them up like his other ones....
moved the cover....
no lizard....
so i kinda take the broom and tap around the surfboards, thinking he'll get scared and come running out....
nope!
then i start sliding his surfboards around.... thinking i'm going to uncover the lizard....
nope!
(and if jason asks why the bottom of his surfboard is scratched, it's totally not my fault!!!!)
so i'm like rearranging ALL these heavy boxes around the surfboards in hopes of the noise and vibrations scaring the lizard out from underneath the surfboards but to no avail.... he's totally probably like wedged between two of them, so when i move the whole stack of surfboards he's probably like, "weeee, cowabunga dude... ette.... dudette!" and he's probably laughing and pointing his claw or talon, or whatever lizard fingers are called, at me....

i stand back....
i'm certain he was basking in his "lizard scared stupid chick" glory....
i try not to let my mind go "there."
but it totally did anyway....

i am certain that if i do not PERSONALLY see jason scare this lizard out of the garage tonight, then one of or ALL of the following will happen:

-lizard will climb up into the rafters. when i walk through garage, lizard will jump down from rafters and i will suffer major heart attack and fall to the ground. jason will come home and find me in the garage and lizard will be gone leaving NO trace as to what happened (i should probably warn him now).

-lizard will climb into the dryer and i will not see the lizard as the inside of our dryer is dark. i will throw wet clothes into dryer, as i normally do, and will dry clothes as usual, and lizard will melt in the dryer and in my clothes.... i will not even notice this until after i put on lizard melted clothes and feel something reptillian against my skin and once i see what is melted against my butt, i will not be able to remove article of clothing fast enough....

-lizard will climb onto two by four and when i go out to do laundry, he will jump on my shoulder. i'll scream and fall and hit my head on the fishtank that is in the garage that we are trying to get rid of. jason will come home and find me next to a broken fish tank and think that i banged my head into the glass fishtank because lewie drove me nuts....

-lizard will enter into our house from the door that leads from the garage into our house.... he will crawl on my face while i am sleeping with my mouth open. he will crawl into my mouth and, with his feet on my tongue, he will stand up and with his arms, he will hold the roof of my mouth open, and i will not be able to close my mouth, but will taste lizard poop instead....

do you see how horrific this can be?
jason MUST come home and get this lizard out of the garage!!!!
it's not JUST a lizard....
it's a freakin LIZARD!!!!!!

6 comments:

buymebarbies said...

HAHAHAHA, I love where your mind goes!!!! I guess I know where you got that from!!!

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

You'll probably never sleep again after I tell you this, but they say that while sleeping, people eat a couple of spiders a year when the spiders crawl into their open mouth....

Ms. Anthropy said...

I'll take the lizard any day, compared to the spider. I would have never pictured you as the over-reactive type, considering you have kids. Motherhood is much more scary!

Ally said...

OK I have to just say that bugs freak me the funk out. I'm also not a fan of mice, raccoons. I hate all bugs with a passion, but lizards I ADORE! I don't know what it is about them, I love them and wish I could snuggle one. They always dash quicker than I can catch 'em. They are so sweet and innocent. I love seeing them in Florida when we visit my dad.

PS Keep up the awesome work with the exercise!

Ashley King said...

@Mom, yes.... thinking is a curse.... especially the way that i think.... bleh.

@ASBLACKASOBAMA. my husband has told me that MULTIPLE times. he says that you eat like a total of 4 lbs of bugs in your life or something like that.... he could have been just saying that to me, but it was awful!!!! he says he loves to watch me squirm! THAT'S SO GROSS!!!! you think you'd feel the spiders, wouldn't you? man! it gives me the heeby jeebies!

@Ms. Anthropy. i can do cutting into skin, blood going everywhere in a surgery. i can do that. it's amusing. i can sometimes even do motherhood... but anything that slithers or crawls or JUMPS, scares the crap out of me. i like lizards. don't get me wrong. they are awesome, except when they JUMP out of the bushes when you can't even see them and do this spiral spin about 2 and a half feet off the ground and make you trip and almost ROLL down a slope of shrubs and trees and bugs and more lizards.... then i AM scared of them. it's more startling than scared i think.... either way, it makes my heart skip beats.... and not the way jason does.

@Ally. i do love lizards too and used to even want one as a pet, when one of my girlfriend's from elementary school had one, however, they jump randomly and startle me when they're loose in my yard, sooooo i think i'll pass on cuddling them. ;) like i said, anything that slithers, crawls or jumps, usually scare me... ICK!!!! jason DIDN'T get the spider (said it was gone) and wouldn't even attempt to find the lizard.... he said what everyone else is saying.... "ashley, it's just a lizard. i didn't let him in. he'll find his way back out." bleh! let's see what he says when he comes home and finds me unconscious because of that lizard!!! lol

Ashley King said...

@ Ally again. thanks for the encouragement. i wasn't feeling like i was doing enough exercise.... hadn't been doing the step aerobics, so i started bikeriding to make up for the lack of step.... it's not much, but it's more than doing nothing i suppose.... i'd like to actually get into a bathing suit this summer and head to the river with the inlaws, however my mother in law has a nicer body than me right now, and that's just not right.