Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the "hairy" situation....

so, yesterday, i looked into the mirror, and i'm pretty sure i saw something that looked like the guy on the right....

which would have been fine and all....
except i was looking at myself....
with a mustache.

oh no! when did this happen?!
how can i get rid of it?!
has jason noticed my mustache and just not said anything because he doesn't want me to feel bad and self conscious?
MUSTACHE.
MUST.
BE.
GONE!!!!
no, i'm not going to SHAVE my face!
gross!
then i'll be stubbly like my 6th grade FEMALE teacher (who happened to have the last name 'Shaver', poor thing.)
ugh.
no, i just would never SHAVE my face.

BLEACH!
i can BLEACH IT!
i can go out, get bleach and bleach it before he even gets home.
i can do this.
discretely.

so i go to CVS.
i go to this "area" and there are like 50 million different "hair removal" products!!!! ( i just wanted BLEACH!)
seriously!
there are some just for your face and all other "areas" of your body....
i think, "hm.. this one looks like it'll do the trick and it even has vanilla scent! yay for vanilla scented bleach!"

maybe it was the nervousness of standing in front of "hair removal" products with nothing else to buy in the store that made me choose as quickly as i could....
or perhaps it was my impatience (or jason's voice in my head telling me to "just pick one") but, whatever it was, that's just what i did.
i just picked one....
i went home and read the directions thoroughly.
just squeeze some creme (yes that's how it's spelled) onto your finger and apply to your face. wait 3 to 5 minutes and wipe off with a lukewarm cottonball or tissue. don't use soap. pat dry.
perfect.
easy.
no mixing stuff together and all that jazz.
so about 5 minutes pass.
i go to wipe off the bleach and it looks like my face is peeling!

so i lean in closer....
noooo, my face wasn't peeling!!!
THAT was the hair being REMOVED from my upper lip.
that was my MUSTACHE!
there goes my mustache!!!!
my upper lip was tingling and i thought "OH NO! i totally just waxed it off and now it's going to grow back alll stubbly. or jason's gonna notice that it's gone, and he's gonna wonder where it went. he might even wonder if i used his razor. i didn't shave it. what if 7 hairs grow back for every 1 hair that was removed?"
oh NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i went and showed my mom (i was at her house).
"mom! this isn't the right stuff! this totally just WAXED my face!!!!"

"that's okay," she says, "it's not like you SHAVED it off. it'll be fine."

"NO! this isn't the right stuff! that's not what i meant to do!"

by now, my upper lip is pink and tingling still....
and then jason calls.
"i'm on my way home honey."
CRAP!!!!!
so much for being discrete!!!
my lip is totally pink and puffy and i'm gonna be broken out in hives that will probably obstruct my breathing and when i go to the hospital, they'll ask me what's wrong and i'm going to have to tell them that i was trying to get rid of my mustache before my husband got home!

my mom says, "just take it back and tell them it was the wrong item and then just get the right one."

"MOM! i'm sure! hiii, i was just here about 15 minutes ago" (with a mustache).... "i bought this hair removal product and unfortunately it's not the right one" (without a mustache).... i'm SO SURE!!!!"

she kinda laughs a little bit....

then Poppa (Pat) chimes in, "yeah, there was just a man in here about 15 minutes ago who purchased this item, in fact, he was wearing the same thing as you!"

Thanks poppa!!! as if i didn't feel horrible enough about this "hairy" situation....

i went home.....

so jason calls and says, "honey, i'm almost home."

i run to the bathroom to see if my face is still all pink. it's really not....
he comes in and i swear he kept looking at my upper lip....
i asked, "what?! what are you looking at?"

he says, "i'm looking at where the words are coming out of. same place i always look."

why did i just feel like he was STARING at my upper lip?
and me, being the "me" that i am, totally cave and tell him all about my attempt to bleach my mustache without him noticing, which went horribly wrong and ended up in my pretty much waxing my entire face off, and it turning all pink and well if my face smelled funny, it was probably that stupid creme that i used, and i just wanted to feel feminine and like a woman and i just wanted to be attractive to him and not have face fur that you could see glistening in the sun....

of course, him being the "him" that he always is, reassures me all over again, and pulls me close.
i turned my head so he wouldn't get a whiff of that scent i was smelling right under my nose and hugged him tight....

now if only i had enough for my legs....

11 comments:

Stephani Nicole Anneler said...

OMG you freakin have me rolling over here LOL your just too cute!

buymebarbies said...

HAHAHA, keep the darn stuff and "wax" off the face fur when needed. It won't grow back whiskers!!! LOL That's only if you shave and the hairs are actually cut!!

Ms. Anthropy said...

Hey, Ash... there's a difference between bleach and remover. (Careful of the chemicals on both) Think I read somewhere that guys are supposed to be subconsciously attracted to that, by nature. Look it up. (my memory isn't that great anymore)

Bossy Betty said...

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry to laugh at your pain, but this was funny! I mean the way you tell it! Hope when you awoke this morning things were better!

Now, I gotta go check MY upper lip!!!

Ally said...

I have a serious problem with this. I can't wax because my skin is so sensitive. The one time I did I had 300 pimples surrounding my mouth - I looked diseased. I can't bleach because of the same sensitivity. Want to know what I do? TWEEZE! It sucks so badly.

FourthGradeNothing.com

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

lol.... He probably would have never noticed it.... You women worry too much! lol

Ashley King said...

@ stephani, i'm probably only "cute" because i'm furry.... and animals are furry, and you like animals. lol.

@mom. i still have the stuff in the bag, giving it a few days.... maybe ill take it back? maybe i'll just wax it again. lol. that was too funny.

@BB, you should check it daily.... one day i didn't notice it, the next day it jumped out, bounced off the mirror and smacked me IN THE FACE!!!! (or ON the face).... horrible!!!!

@Ally. that's CRAZY! i can't wax because it will seriously break out horribly too! buuuut this stuff TOTALLY might have done the trick... im gonna give it a few more days to see how it works. it was so cheap too. and usually i would go to the aveda salon to have it done. oh and the bleach never really made me break out. kinda stung a little, but never broke out... i cannot IMAGINE tweezing those bad boys....

my mustache is like someone's boobs, only the complete opposite.... boobs draw attention.... as does the mustache.... however, you can cover boobs up.... my mustache on the other hand.... can't cover that bad boy up!!! well, you can, but only with a bigger mustache.... or a bandaid, both of which would still draw attention....

Ashley King said...

@ABAO.... oh i'm SURE he noticed.... he notices EVERYTHING.... now if he says anything to me or not is an entirely different story.... but i'm pretty certain he noticed. =)

staceyd said...

You're a riot. And just you wait. Chin hair. Not that I know or anything.

Pat Tillett said...

Now that some time has passed, how did it work out? better or worse than before (the upper lip).

Ashley King said...

don't worry about my mustache!!!! that's none of your business!! lol.... i don't know. ask mom. apparently i missed a few spots.... lol lol lol. i'll come by later today (since i'm sure you missed me beyond words) and you guys can tell me.

the lip isn't pink anymore. still feels funny. like tingly or something. i'm not sure.... i feel a lot more confident looking into the mirror.... ( i didn't say close up).... it's not smacking me in the face anymore, so that's good.... but i'll let you know how it "grows back in".... that'll be the determining factor....