Tuesday, May 4, 2010

bullseye changes and happy contagious.... okay, um. what?!

So i'll catch you up to where i'm at, currently.

I am usually a very optimistic person....
I usually try to see the very best in things, and situations, even when they just flat out suck!
this is true.
i usually wake up first thing and have stories and stories i want to talk to you guys about.
My mind is usually going a hundred miles a minute and i'm smiling and laughing and even when i want to pull my hair out, i still find humor in the small (and large) things....
Life is just (usually) good.

I'm not even gonna lie.
i've been in the BIGGEST crappy mood lately and i just haven't been able to kick it.
i have a therapist.
one i've had for years.
sometimes i just go to her, because it's someone outside of my everyday life to just listen, without going around telling the world my business.... (i am a blogger. i can do that myself, thank you very much.)
or to tell me i'm looking awfully happy.
or sad.
or tired.
sometimes she just smiles and laughs at me and says, "you really didn't need to come today, did you?"

and, you know, sometimes she's right....

but lately.
lately, i go in with SO much weighing on my mind.
we leave off on one thing, and i think to myself, "i gotta remember to pick up where we left off next week...."
but THEN next week comes, and there's like 50 million new things I wanna talk about, and who even CARES about where we left off last week, cuz i'm totally over that now, and......
and.... i can go on forever....

what it comes down to is this....

before Jason i had me.
i had myself,
and taylor,
and asia.

i didn't trust anyone.
i had this image of my heart.
i called it my "bullesye." (don't laugh at the image; clicking on it helps.... ALOT!)

That was my heart.
i trusted my mom.
my stepdad.
and my daughter.

.... even moreso than i trusted my own self.
i couldn't make a decision on my own.
i'd call for backup.
i wanted someone else to hold accountable if i made a poor decision.
i trusted my best friend about as much as i trusted myself,
and then she slept with the guy i was seeing at the time, so she was then on the outs of my heart....
i looked for my happiness EVERYWHERE else but right where it mattered....

inside ME....

i felt WHOLE when i helped the cancer patients.
i felt like i HAD MEANING when i'd help the entire families through something so tragic.
i was incredibly co-dependent (and still kind of am, i know it)....
but i've come leaps and bounds these past few years.
I feel it in my heart, where it REALLY matters.
It's my constant desire for better, that always keeps me striving.
i don't want everything DIFFERENT, i just want it better....
i want to be a better me,
ALL around, because a better ME makes for:

-a better wife
-a better mom
-a better worker
-a better friend
-a better sister
-a better daughter
-a better stepdaughter
-a better granddaughter
-a better niece
-a better cousin
-a better aunt
-a better everything else that i am.... the list goes on....

a better ME makes for a lot of better things....

when i am cheerful, it is contagious.
when i am unhappy, it is, too, contagious....
i like spreading happiness and smiles and positive energy more!!!!
i love dancing around like a nutcase in the stores because my daughter laughs her little head off!
i love it when my husband just stares at me and smiles or laughs and makes little comments like "honey, that's why i love you!"

with jason,
i have learned to hold myself accountable for the decisions that we make.... we cannot call for backup in all of our decisions. we discuss the possibilities together and come up with OUR best decision.... and if we face hardships, then we deal with those too.... together.... no more, "hey mom, which one is better??" (okay, not even gonna lie, i still totally do this sometimes, but that's after Jason says he doesn't care one way or the other)....

with jason, i have learned to trust myself a whole lot more.
i'd say that is one of the BIGGEST things i've learned to do, next to learning to trust someone else....
He is definitely a man of his word. if he says it's going to happen, it will.
and i appreciate that more than he'll ever know.
i've somehow begun to put so much trust into him, that i almost feel like it's likely overwhelming and probably a lot of pressure on him.
i feel like i've swapped my go-to person.
swapped my mom for jason.
i think that's kind of what you do when you're married. (minus the parental roles)
they SHOULD be your go-to person.
consult with each other for big decisions.

i know there's still SO much to learn....
we'll look back on this time in our life and laugh about it.
(well hopefully he'll laugh at what a brat i can be)
i want to re-gather myself, if you would....
i'd like to take a breath of fresh air and remind myself of all the individual things that make me happy.
one at a time.
the things that bring me joy.
and happiness.
and smiles.
the things that make me shine....

i want to be healthy, happy, headstrong contagious again....

part 2 to come....


Ms. Anthropy said...

Wish I was brave enough for therapy.

Ally said...

i've been in and out. when i'm happy, i'm really happy. when i'm sad, i'm really sad. hang in there...


I can't do therapy.... I completely shut off.... I can't talk to a complete stranger about me.... I either shut down or I try to use humor to avoid answering any questions....

I've come to the point that my wife and my kids make me happy.... There's nothing else that I rely on....

Andrea said...

It is so funny that you blog some of the things that you do WHEN you do. Thank you for your honesty and openess and for what you wrote. You are wonderful!

Bossy Betty said...

Love it and I love your willingness to talk about your life and to explore it!!

buymebarbies said...

I AM SO PROUD!!! You can come to me still......anytime!!