i've seen this side before.

you loaded up your weapon,

as if you'd gone to war.

but i sat there un-armed,

i've seen this side before.

you throw on your coat of armor,

and attach your helmet tightly.

none of that is needed,

i promise to go lightly.

you begin to fire weapons,

the words, they cut like knives.

they trigger all my hurt inside,

for all of them are lies.

you straighten your helmet,

and reach over for more.

"ammo!" you yell,

and we stand back,

watching you beg for more....

do we put on our armor?

attach our helmets tightly?

do we, now, break our promise,

when we said we'd go lightly?

i stand their un-armed,

and slowly cut the strings,

that attach your heart to mine,

it's just one of those things.

i know you believe the intention,

was never anything real.

i know you want to believe,

that i'm jealous, still.

you loaded up your weapon,

as if you'd gone to war.

but i sat there un-armed,

i've seen this side before....

obligation.

Have you ever done stuff out of obligation??

I'm sure most of us have....

Do you STILL do things out of obligation??

I'm not even going to lie.

I'm totally one of these people, who although not ALWAYS, i sometimes do things out of a feeling of obligation....

sometimes i clean the house out of feelings of obligation....

even if i REALLY don't WANT to clean the house, i somehow manage to talk myself into doing it before jason gets home....

my thought process goes something like this.

"if i worked a few hours away, and have been gone since 430 am, and worked my butt off all day in the heat, and then sat in rush hour traffic to come home.... i'd at least want the house to be clean."

and then my selfish, tired self whines.... "but i don't want tooooooo...."

and then the obligated self says, "quit being so selfish and just clean the house real quick."

and then i seriously like hate myself for like 10 minutes (well at least the obligated self), because she usually wins in stupid battles like this....

and then sometimes, when jason comes home and doesn't even realize that i seriously just fought with myself for like a really long time to get myself to clean the house, and that the house could have been so messy when he got home, but instead, it's clean and smells good.... sometimes i just wanna sit on the couch the next day.... and NOT do anything.... and see if he notices.... (and in his defense, he normally does notice when i clean.... even if it is just a small comment like, "the house looks great mama.")

i guess the obligations kind of go hand in hand with the stupid expectations....

when i feel OBLIGATED to do something, i feel like i am just fulfilling someone else's expectations of myself.... and even if i reallllly don't want to do something, sometimes i just do, because who knows.... i may just really make their day.... BUT sometimes i think i just get angry with myself for doing so....

ACK! i don't know why i do this!!!! i mean, i KNOW why i do this.... what i guess i DON'T know why, is why i can't stop it!!!!

I think it's my thinking.... something like, "your 1 hour of hating to clean the house is so much easier than jason's bad mood for the entire night if the house is messy." (which is kind of a lousy example, BUT that's the example i'm going to use for now.... because.... well, i don't want to put a whole lot of other people on blast in my blog.... who knows who reads this thing....)

one day i'll come around to just putting it all out there (like i normally do).... but for now.... i need to sit and think about this one.... the obligations i often feel for many different people.... i try like hell not to do anything out of obligation, but it's this sick part of me that thinks i'm selfish if i don't just swallow a tad bit of my unhappiness for someone else's satisfaction, and no, not men.... not even a little bit.... i mean like family members.... or friends....

and if you're reading this and feeling guilty, maybe you should rethink the expectations you have of people.... focus on your own feelings and how you can change THOSE, rather than expecting the entire world to change for you.... i try really really hard to change the way I FEEL about things, because, ultimately, that's the ONLY thing i have control of. hell, i don't even have control of my kids.... you know?

it's just something to think about....

i apologize for venting about this.... it's just bugging the crap out of me right now.

WHAT was i thinking?!

i think i really did it this time.

i registered for a history course for this summer.

it was the only course available this summer that would count towards my degree that would even be worth taking....

however, summer courses are 8 weeks.

a normal semester is 16....

it's half the amount of time for the same amount of credits.... on a topic that i am CLUELESS about....

what did i do in history class, you ask??

i slept.

i drooled in my books and slept.

it wasn't my fault.

i had the most BORING, monotone teachers who would put videos on....

first of all, if you put any video on, it's about 99% certain i'll fall asleep.

now if it's in black and white, and someone narrating pictures in a monotone voice....

it's like 107.5% certain i'll fall asleep.

i FIGHT staying awake in movie theaters, mmmk?

so my husband learned early on, to save the money and wait 'til the show is on cable....

we'll fall asleep watch it then....

WELL.

now i'm determined dammit!

i have NO idea what the hell history has to do with Nursing,

but whatever.

it's required.

and as much as i hate the idea of taking this course,

i'm doing it

and as much as i want to just go to my school's website and log in and click "drop" next to my class, i'm not going to....

that's too easy.

i've always had it easy.

i've always taken the easy way out (well, except in many stupid relationships, but whatever)

so here i am....

with earphones in my ears, listening to video after video of history stuff....

i'm fighting like hell to understand this stuff....

jason and i bickered back and forth this morning.

jason: "what's there not to get? it's not theory. you just have to remember it."

me: "that's the whole thing.... i DON'T remember it."

jason: "what don't you remember?"

me: "i don't remember ANYTHING!"

jason: "well what can you do about that?"

me: "I DON'T KNOW! IF I KNEW, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT LIKE 15 YEARS AGO!!! DUH!".... "what does ecology mean?"

jason: "the study of e-coli."

way to break the ice....

just to give you an idea of how this course is moving along....

Week 1 (this week):

-read 130 pages from textbook. (chapters 1-4)

-begin reading "The Jungle" by upton sinclair

-read all 4 super huge, long readings online (he supplies links)

-watch 4 powerpoint presentations

-read professor's lecture notes (14 pages typed)

-study and KNOW all 8 pages of study guide questions (answers can be found in ANY of the above and below assignments)

-watch 12 videos ranging from 10-30 minutes each

-answer the discussion board question which must be at least 2 paragraphs, and then respond to at least 2 other student's discussion board thread and that, too, must be at least 2 paragraphs....

-all answers must be cited (so you can't just say, "because i remember this from 10th grade." or "because that's what my stepdad told me.".... DANG it!!!!)

and he didn't put the study guide questions in any particular sequence. in fact, i'm pretty sure that when he typed them out, he clicked some magical button that said something like "scramble the shit out of these questions so they'll have to watch a video, go to chapter 4, back to the lecture notes, and then rip their hair out"....

i'm all over the place, and likely will be for the next 8 weeks....

oh, and on a side note, i also accepted a freakin coffee shop job on monday too.

what was i thinking?

after posting this whole, "what would you do if money didn't matter" thing got me thinking....

coffee shop.... that would be fun.... i could get a little break.... have a tiny bit of extra money.... and FREE COFFEE, YUM! (that would save me a little bit of money. nevermind how much. it's ridiculous what my frappuccino addiction costs us....

soooo, when starbucks asked if i wanted to work there (being that i go there 7 days, yes SEVEN days a week), i said, "SURE!"

gotta get back at the online course....

oh wait.... what's that??

it's LEWIIEEEEEEEEEE....

crying.....

i really don't know what i was thinking....

oh, that's right.

i wasn't!!!!

awwww (snap) - unsmooth moments.

she thinks you're perfect (for her roommate).

-there's a ton of these on my husband's ultra cheap beer cans....

intense.

it's an intense day, today, on the other side.

my husband doesn't need to beat me. i beat myself.

remember that 7000 lb tv i moved the other day.... alll by myself from the back of my truck, up my driveway and to the very tip of the garage (as i was NOT going to move it ANY further than necessary)

(click on the picture to see the bruises....)

the flash went off, so you can't see them as good as you can in person... lean AWAY from the computer to see them better, and i just realized it looks like i peed my pants. i'm pretty sure i didn't....

so, as it is shorts season, i'm pretty certain that when i wear these out in public with jason, people probably are giving him the stink eye assuming that he has likely caused me this harm.... and that i had to come up with this horrible story about lifting a super heavy tv all by myself out of the back of the truck which caused the bruising.... at least i didn't say i fell down the stairs.... cuz i really DID do that last october.... does anyone remember that?? concrete stairs at the airport picking up my stepmom in the rain, when i forgot my cell phone and lewie was like 3 months old and instead of breaking my fall, i held on tight to him and instead fractured my tailbone as i slid down FIVE concrete steps.... yeah. hiiiii everyone!!! those stupid "coverup stories.?" they're not cover ups here.... they're REAL!!! i am THE CLUMSIEST SOUL YOU WILL EVER MEET!!!! i could tell you SO many more clumsy stories about myself.... but that would be far too long of a post for right now....

actually i WILL tell you more clumsy stories....

when i was younger, we did this walk/parade type thing for the troops during the gulf war.... i was young.... and walking....

walking proud along the streets of my hometown.... i'm walking, looking to my left, cheering and chanting, when i decide that i should PROBABLY look forward in order to prevent *BAM* running into a pole.... yeah.... looked forward a little too late.... smashed RIGHT into a freakin pole. a street light. smashed my glasses all up in my face and i cried. hard. and loud..... i'm pretty sure i embarrassed the crap out of myself mom.... but whatever.... i don't remember what happened next.... i probably blacked out and was like rushed to the hospital and was declared a hero for being injured while marching for our troops or something... or maybe my mom just marched me home. i can't remember....

i'll save the rest for some other time.... timessssss.s.s..... there are multiple clumsy times....

cheeks.

so ya'll know I had my wisdom teeth removed on Friday.

and the stink and swelling are slowly going away....

but not without melting my headboard last night (per Jason).

and not without Lewie making the farting noise in my face, as if to tell me he was not kissing my butt.... although it was my face....

and the swelling.... just looks funny.

looks like I'm hoarding nuts in my mouth....

....like a squirrel, you perv.

so tonight i go to put Lewie's laker sweats on for bed.

jason yells, "noooooo!!!! those are his laker pants.... for tomorrow night!!!!"

i THROW the pants across the living room, dramatically, and yell back, "THEN GET ME A PAIR of sweats he CAAAAAN wear!!!!!!!"

he gets up in my face and says, "don't give me attitude!!!! i'll smack those fat cheeks of yours!!!! and NOT the ones you're sitting on either!!!"

buuuuuuurrrrrnnnnn....

super comments award.

From my lovely and wonderful, Ms. Anthropy, I received this "Super Comments Award."

This is a wonderful award to receive (for me), because I always fear that I do not show enough love.... and I don't want ANYONE to think that I don't care about their blog enough, or that I am too busy for them, or too good for them or any of that.... I try my best.... a lot of times, I will start reading and then something crazy stupid happens, and no one would believe me if I told them.... like yesterday when I started posting this, my mouth all of a sudden started bleeding horribly and I was drooling.... This isn't normal.... I just got my wisdom teeth pulled.

ICK!

But here I am!!!!

and passing this award on....

The rules for this award are to answer the following questions:

1. Why do you blog?

I started this blog for family when I was pregnant. Family wasn't all about the blog ( I don't think), but I began to realize that it was therapeutic.... I am all about the therapy!!!!

2. What was your favorite age to be and why?

I like where I'm at right now. Too bad I feel like I'm 97.... but I can't look back and say I wish I was back to a certain point in my life because going back to that age would mean I would also take back all the years of therapy.... i don't want to take back any therapy I've had.... so, I'd have to say right now. 26 years old is my favorite age, because I know more now than I've known, and I still have so much more ahead. =)

3. What's your favorite sport to play?

I'd have to agree with Ms. Anthropy... Is blogging a sport? I'm not very great at playing sports.... I'll play anything. I like racquetball. can we say GEEEK? haha.

4. What's your favorite sport to watch, and who's your favorite team?

Honestly, before kids, I think I like sports more. I loved watching football; still enjoy it. Love the steelers. (and chargers) I like basketball (when it's in the finals....) and I like the Lakers....

5. If you could pick your perfect career (and money doesn't matter / the kids are out of the house) what would it be? This was just like the question I had for my crazy king award.... I'd say nursing.... or maybe starbucks a few days a week (for the unlimited free amounts of coffee and socializing with customers.) annnnd because I worked at a coffee shop when I was 14 (I actually used to ditch school to work there and LOVED it)

6. Do you ever feel guilty for blogging?

Sometimes, and for many different reasons.... sometimes for blogging instead of watching sports with my husband (he ALWAYS wants me to sit with him, no matter what.... sometimes I just can't sit there with my mind going a million miles a minute.... MUST. BE. BLOGGING....) other times I feel guilty because I know my stepmom doesn't like if I use inappropriate language.... sometimes I feel guilty if my writing might offend people....

7. What is your favorite holiday? I like all family gatherings. I really enjoy the 4th of July. It's the day after my birthday. It's in the summer, which means, it's warm from the crack of dawn until you crawl into bed.... I LOVE watching the fireworks at the lake from my parent's backyard at night, while swimming or sitting in the jacuzzi, after a day full of bbq'ing.... street wars.... parades.... just gooooood times!! =)

8. What's your favorite kind of music?

I love a whole lot of music. I love country. (loved it more when I actually went linedancing)... I don't know. I really like a whole lot of music.

9. Do you consider yourself a good driver or bad driver?

I am a good driver. Jason says different, but I am a good driver. We both get the "good driver" discount. I'd say that makes me a good driver. =)

10. What's the farthest away place you have visited?

Japan

and I pass THIS blog on to....

Ms. Anthropy (who doesn't have to display this, or even answer anymore questions, but honestly, she is usually the first to comment on my blogs.

Patrick Tillett @ Extremely Overdue (for ALWAYS commenting on my stufffff)

Mainland Streel

Fourth Grade Nothing

I Think It's Interesting

The thing is, that we follow quite a few of the same blogs....

If you've already received this award, please do not worry about reposting it and linking it to me and all that. I just want you guys to know that I appreciate the comments.... always....

and I appreciate everyone else's too VERY much so!!! you guys are the absolute BEST!!!! =)

no really....

I'm certain I probably screwed this up and left someone or some people out.... I really do appreciate you all!! =)

certified CRAZY KING style.

sooooooooooooo....

i'm not very popular.

i wish i had an award to give to some of the AWESOME blogs i've come across lately,

so i took it upon myself to make my own award....

*drum roll please*

certified CRAZY KING style award....

this is making you OFFICIALLY (certifiably) crazy.... cuz i said so.

King, (well cuz that's my last name)....

with a crazy style....

that's okay.

i'm crazy too. =)

it's nice to see that i'm not the only crazy person out there.... =)

i'm not going to tell you you HAVE to do this in order to pass it on, but i think asking just 1 question to the people you choose to pass it on to is kind of fun.... you can use mine or make up your own.... =)

I'd like to know: if money wasn't a factor.... what kind of work/volunteer work would you do?

i think i'd work at starbucks a few hours a week (free coffee and talking to people.... seriously 2 of my favorite things).... but i'd totally do nursing.... even if i didn't get paid.... and i know i asked what WORK you'd do.... but does sunbathing while listening to some AWESOME tunes count as work? cuz i'd totally do that too....

soooo the following award is presented to:

1. Marlooney, I mean Marlene over at "Disguised as a Grown-Up". i am pretty sure nearly every single one of her blogs has me laughing over here.... she's not only SUPER crafty, but she's hilarious and she teaches me a new word, every. single. day. =) i think she's wonderful. i'm sure you will too.

2. TS Hendrik, over at "The Non-Review." He is a brilliant writer.... everything he comes up with is clever.... he lives in Tennessee and just recently lost everything in the floods, (yes he blogged about it WITH pictures), and STILL somehow manages to have the best outlook and sense of humor.... i am pretty sure if i lost everything, i'd be sitting in a corner, crying somewhere, indulging in pounds of chocolate of some sort in hopes of healing.... he's just great. i'm certain you'll love this guy....

3. Betty (or BB, as we call her) over at "Bossy Betty".... she is just magnificent.... she will make you laugh and cry. she has beautiful stories and poetry, and shares stories of her own that are all just wonderful and AMAZINGLY written.... you'll be looking forward to her monday morning flowers just like i do and you will be asking for "more bossy please!!!" i'm certain of it!!! check her out! =)

4. Freakin Una over at "The Sassy Curmudgeon", now i've given her awards before, and i know she doesn't really pass them on, because i mean, seriously with like 4 million followers, and awards on a daily basis, i'm certain she doesn't have the time. she's like superwoman. a SUPER nice lady who will have you cracking up with EVERY post.... she loves her hubby and red wine and so do i.... she can make fun of herself (and everyone else) and she's just an all around GREAT person.... amazing writer.... creative as all hell... you'll love her. take my (and all of her other follower's) word for it.... she's phenomenal!

5. Stacey over at "Is There Any Mommy Out There?" this woman.... this woman is a HIGHLY respectable woman.... she is brutally honest and i love her for that!!!! she has this way about her.... i really could just hug her if i ever saw her.... she can reach out and touch any and EVERY single person who reads her blog.... for sure.... i only wish i was fortunate enough to know her in real life too.... you'll laugh at her posts, and you'll cry.... she's wonderful.

6. Pat, over at "Extremely Overdue." hell, most of you came over here from his.... and for those of you who don't know.... i have the honor of being his stepdaughter..... since i was 9 years old.... i was blessed to have this wonderful (CRAZY) man in my life.... i wouldn't just give him this award for being a wonderful stepdad (or out of obligation, because.... well.... i'll get to that another time, just trust i wouldn't do that).... i would have just made him a "SUPER amazing stepdad" award.... but really and truly, i admire the man he is, even though i'm not even a man.... he had one hell of a life, that left him with stories to tell.... you'll always feel like you're right there with him.... feeling all that he's feeling... (especially his childhood stories).... and his vacations.... (he takes amazing photos).... he's a super tough guy who can do nearly everything, and knows more about stuff than i've even heard of.... he's the most helpful, friendly man you'll probably EVER meet in your lifetime, and he has got probably the biggest heart i know. he is DAMN funny too!!!! okay.... this was more like a tell-all than an award presentation.... whatever.

honestly, there are a ton of you guys that i could give this award to.... i'm pretty sure that everyone i follow already follows each other, and you probably already know each other.... i absolutely LOVE my blog friends. and yes, i call you guys friends, because i jump on here nearly every single day waiting to see that you guys are all alive and well.... and well, we aren't friends on facebook or anything else, and this is my only tiny little link that i have to you all.... your words.... your stories.... the little bits and pieces you choose to share on here.... i love them all.... i am beyond amazed at how many phenomenal people i've come across on here.... i mean that really and truly....

copyboy is quite a character. i don't know how he fires out like 50 million posts a day.... i try to keep up. i really do.... it's hard, but you usually have me cracking up (or gagging).... but either one is good, if you've gotten your point across.... you have some of the most original and far out ideas ever....

Ally over at "Fourth Grade Nothing" is just the sweetest little thing ever!!! she recently started doing video blogs and her followers are through the roof! she has one of the sharpest memories ever and will always take you "back in the day...." she's lovely....

Ms. Anthropy, i just have a wonderful connection with her. would just love to just sit and chat with her.... she is a lovely woman.... with lovely stories.... and i think more people should encourage her to share more of them with us.... she is great!

Brandi over at "A Mainland Streel," she's my buddy on facebook now too.... she's just as lovely as her blog reveals her to be... she's amazingly talented.... super motivated.... crazy fantastic writer, extremely clever.... and i just know that if we lived closer, i would have totally been helping her to renovate her place.... and then we would have gone for pedicures and massages. ;)

Andrea at "Sharkenjuice and Moodicarry," she's got a heart of gold too.... i think she is far greater than she even realizes.... you guys should definitely go check her out.

sarahjayne smythe over at "writing in the wilderness," has a phenomenal blog for writers.... not even going to lie, her blog is often intimidating, it's THAT good. she always writes such sweet comments too.... you should check her out.... always has great links too!!

oh my holy hell.... this blog is getting so long. i feel like IIIII just won the freakin award.... and was giving my thank you speech.... the academy would have TOTALLY started playing music louder and louder like 15 minutes ago.... sorry guys....

i know there are so many other great people out there.... if my mom started a blog, i'd say she was deserving of this, cuz she's damn crazy too.... maybe one day.... if everyone on my blog starts telling her she should start her own, maybe she will.... c'mon "buymebarbies! buymebarbies! buymebarbies!" (that's her alias.... her "commenting" name.)

Hope everyone sleeps or slept a hell of a lot better than i'm about to not....

you want my autograph?

look to the left.... the white tacoma that passes.... yeah that's me.





but on a serious note... i get an email from T's school that there was a shooting right next to the school.
the school went on lockdown....
WHAT?! stuff like this just doesn't happen around here. how horrible it was!!!!
but they believed to have apprehended all the suspects.

that made me feel better.

i go to pick up taylor from school (after school), and it's all blocked off and the police are stopping every car trying to get through.... there are all of news stations around.... and i pull in to get taylor. the teachers walked their classes out in a single file line to meet their parents....

they really did do a great job with the students....

taylor gets in the car and tells us about the lockdown....

the 1st one happened during recess....

her teacher blows her whistle and calls everyone into a single file line and to the closest classroom.... two 2nd grade classes joined together in a 3rd grade classroom.... they had to lock the doors and shut off the lights and they huddled in a group on the ground towards the back of the classroom. i asked her if she was scared. she said, "kinda, but not really. the teacher told us we were safe."

then they had another (i don't know why there were 2 SEPARATE ones, but for whatever reason there were 2 separate ones.)

the story is that basically some guy (not from around here) had molested some girl that he knew (not from around here), brea/yorba linda/anaheim area.... the police got tipped off that he was in the condos across the street from the school, and so they went to serve him with the $1 million warrant, when he tried to flee. he ran across the street and the anaheim police (not laguna niguel) shot him. he was then taken to the hospital (where my GUESS is that he will make his recovery).... bummer.

i'm sorry, as i'd normally NEVER wish death on someone. i just don't ever feel that angry.... but when you get me on the topic of a child molestor, my views change dramatically. now forgive me for bringing up suuch a touchy topic (i feel like it might be similar to politics, abortion and parenting) BUT, i was a bit disappointed to hear that he hadn't died.... i mean someone that could go on to TRAUMATIZE a child... to flat out STRIP a child of their innocence.... has no right to have the opportunity to do it again.... they just don't.... there is no 2nd chance deserved here. EVERYONE knows THIS. IS. WRONG....

*reading the following information may make you think i'm completely looney.... i am. i thought we've already established this.... and they say the first step to fixing the problem is realizing you have one.... i have realized it and that's what my therapist is for.... i just haven't gotten to this section yet with her.... but i will.... soon.

you know, tonight, i crawled in to bed thinking that i would just fall asleep (as i'm COMPLETELY exhausted and felt like i was ready for bed HOURS ago), however, i got in to bed and i just couldn't sleep.... my mind was going 50 billion miles a minute.... (so what's new, right? but tonight was just different....) it just felt entirely different.... and i was lying there in the dark.... my heart started beating faster and faster and my mind was just jumping all over the place.... i have the worst vision in the world (okay, so almost).... and i HATE lying in bed, in the dark, no glasses, not being able to see.... i know that sounds sooooo stupid.... but it's the truth.... if i hear a funky noise or i think i see something, i grab for my glasses as fast as i can.... but sometimes, i get so scared, i don't even want to move.... this is when i REALLY wish i had perfect vision.... or vision that didn't require corrective lenses... i am serious, my vision is soooo bad.... i wish i could describe it, or show you what i see without correction.... but that's just not possible.... so i was lying in bed with my glasses on just thinking about today.... i thought about the poor child who had that happen to them.... i thought about the mother of that poor child and how she must feel.... i thought about the child's future and how scared or messed up it may (or may not) be.... i pray for the latter.... ohh how i pray for the latter.....

for those of you with your wheels spinning upstairs, no. i was never molested. not as a child, not as a teen, not as an adult.... it just strikes something inside me.... and not in a good way.... not at all... i probably COULD tell you exactly what it is that it strikes.... but that would be an entire series of its own on here.... so for now, i'll leave it at this....

-------------

p.s. will likely not be on (or commenting) for a few days (hopefully not that long, i miss you guys when i'm gone for the weekend), buuuuut i'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow morning.... IIIICCCCK! i am NOT looking forward to it. not even a little bit.... in fact, i'm already beginning to feel ill....

As"King" Ashley # i don't remember what number.... 2, maybe?

Dear Ashley,

You seem to know a lot about the medical field and such. what's the best kind of birth control out there?

Sincerely,

Undecided on children

Dear Decided on children,

Sounds like you are decided on children if you are asking about birth control options.... and why the HELL did you ask ME what the best kind of birth control there is out there? i have TWO (not one, but TWO) children....

There are a few different options out there on the market.

Aspirin (generic brand, whatever's cheapest).

pinch that sucker in between your knees and don't let it fall....

that works....

or..... you can just watch this video....

just think.... he COULD be yours....

you're welcome,

Ashley

it's not even 8 o clock....

well it wasn't when i looked at the clock and thought of all that had gone on so far this morning....

let's see. i went to bed after 1 am.

was woken up at 415 to the alarm for jason.

shut it off.

without waking him up.

but that's okay.

he's learned that i do this when i'm really tired....

so he had his phone set too.

so both phones were going off at 4 am....

lovely.

somehow i managed to be wide awake and then wide asleep in about 10 minutes....

i went back to sleep and was gently reminded that i have a 9 month old son who doesn't like to sleep very much (although he's been doing pretty well lately).... he didn't wake up nicely this morning.

he woke up SCREAMING!

just like he went to bed..... SCREAMING!!!!

but this isn't anything out of the norm, so if something is really wrong with him, it's likely i won't know the difference.... i do a visual inspection.

everything looks fine.

mental note: he hadn't pooped yesterday. (probably the problem)....

anyway....

today.

today is wednesday.

this entire week is teacher appreciation week.

entire week....

monday was flower day.

tuesday was bring some kind of snack or goodie (would have been bring a school supply for the teacher, BUT, she is retiring so it was snack day)....

wednesday, today, is handmade card/poem day. (i reminded taylor of this last night, and did not follow up to see if she had done this or not.... is that my fault? oops. i give the girl a lot of responsibility)

tomorrow, they are presenting her with some plant and they are putting a bunch of gift cards all over it.... gift cards are due today....

wellllll, i didn't have a gift card, so we had to leave early to stop at starbucks and get a gift card....

so i go out to the truck to load Lewie, (who is still crying by the way), taylor's crying that she didn't make her lunch. she forgot about it. so i'm throwing (literally THROWING) her lunch together....

she's crying.... lewie's screaming....

go BACK out to the truck. load lewie. (yep! still screaming..... not crying.... SCREAMING!)

taylor gets in the truck and says, "OH NOOOOO!" and starts crying too...

she apparently forgot her jacket.

"you'll be fine," i tell her....

and then i realize that the 7000 lb tv that took my mom and stepdad to load ONTO my truck yesterday is STILL in the back of my truck. i was NOT about to drive 3 and a half miles an hour to make sure it didn't tip. i already did that coming home from my mom's yesterday.... and a 4.2 mile drive that should have taken 4.2. minutes was more like 24 minutes (or 15, but it felt much longer than 15 minutes).....

crap!!! i GOTTA get that stupid TV out of the back of the truck....

how in the HELL am i going to move that thing by myself?

"whatever, I CAN DO THIS!!!" i say to myself.... kinda like pumping myself up as if i'm about to enter a boxing ring.... i MAY have even bounced back and forth like i was about to fight.... but i'm pretty sure i didn't.....

so i loosen the strap to remove the tv and slide the freaking HUGE tv across the bed of my truck.... and try to figure out how the HELL i'm going to lift this thing...

i reposition the tv a few times and do a test-lift.... you know, the ones like, "lemme see how heavy this is."

yeah.... that freakin beast was heavy!!!! i seriously thought about just sliding it back and strapping it back in, but then that would mean i would have to drive 3 miles per hour, and we were in a hurry....

wasn't happening.... then i thought about just dropping it in the driveway.

yes, DROPPING it.

not caring if it broke or not....

but we've come too far with that tv to just drop it.... and it was only 7 am at this point. i'm pretty sure someone would have called 911 if they heard this thing drop...

whatever, i slid the tv down my pants and onto my toe. yes ONTO my toe.

no, not on purpose.

i YELLED a curse word. (or 7)

and then moved the left side of the tv and then the right..

the left side

and then the right....

i'm pretty sure i severed half of the cord while moving it...

lewie's still screaming.

taylor's sniffling.

i'm sniffling.

not even gonna lie.

my toe, and legs hurt from that TV!!!

and then i get in the car,

INSTANT headache! bleh!

it's gotta be his poop, or lack thereof, that's causing this mess!!!

i go to the closest starbucks for the gift card, and really don't have time to order the drink, so i just get the g.c. and head to drop taylor off ....

she gets out of the car and i realize that her hair is TOTALLY sticking up in the back.

HOW DID I MISS THIS?!

i roll down the window to tell her, but decide against it.

why make her self conscious....

"have a good day babe," i yell out the window....

"thanks mama, you too," she says back to me... and i watch her (and her hair) bounce away...

and seriously....

instantly burst into tears.

for whatever reason (and no i'm not pms-ing)....

i WAS going to go to starbucks, but lewie was still screaming.... and now i was crying.

and starbucks was just not going to happen....

so i went home....

and grabbed a diaper because if he hadn't already pooped,

he was definitely trying....

and i could smell it.

ugh.

there's something about the smell of kid's poop, once they start eating table foods....

it smells like adult poop.... on a table or something.

kinda just jumps up and hits you in the face, you know?

ugh.

soooo then, i go to change his diaper....

open his diaper up and it was like a snake was trying to escape his body.... only it came out in the form of poop.... and onto the floor, AND he peed up on me too.

on my jeans.

on my chin.

on my shirt....

yes. poop and pee.... everywhere.

lovely.

i looked at the clock....

it's not even freakin 8 o clock (am)!!!!!

Monday Minute (a week late and 2 days late)

so i was a tad bit behind on this one.... i had it typed out, but didn't post it for whatever reason.... but here it is.... this is from Ian over at "The Daily Dose of Reality." He is FANTASTIC!!!!

Have you ever peed in the shower/bath/pool?

shower and pool, yes, knowingly and maybe even accidentally.... bath.... not knowingly.... maybe as a super young child, but not to my knowledge. i DID however, poop in the bathtub with my sister.... she should have known then, that i wasn't a fan of hers....

What is your biggest pet peeve?
Liars

What's the story behind your blog title?
Started this after Jason and I got married.... It was the start of Our Journey.... and it was the beginning.... as the Kings.... and that's pretty much it.... not too interesting... ;)

What is your definition of success?
success is.... happiness while maintaining your health. it's being faithful and loyal and not forgetting to make time for the ones who mean the most. if you can do that.... you are pretty darn successful. and super self disciplined.

If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
giving people hope.... paying goodness forward.

my place in line.

i've never been first,

and that is fine.

i've learned through the years,

my place in line.

my place in line,

is standing behind,

the girl with a life

i thought was better than mine.

along come the years

that help pass the time,

to give your life meaning,

and help you to find....

a life of your own,

to establish your home.

to raise happy children,

and watch them grow old.

to rock in the chair,

next to your grumpy old soul,

you can't imagine life without,

he, who makes your heart whole....

and the sun will rise

a little brighter each morning

almost as if,

it's to tell you a story....

of how one day you felt

like you were nothing at all,

and to look at yourself,

now, you're standing tall.

you did it yourself,

and you're doing just fine....

even if you're standing,

at the end of the line...

Real (bedtime/dirty) Talk.

I stood in the bathroom, in our bedroom, getting ready for bed.... This consists of slipping into my ultra sexy drawstring plaid pants and memphis tigers t-shirt, removing my contacts and brushing my teeth....

Me: I think I have gas.

Jason: what does that have to do with me?

Me: in case I accidentally fart in my sleep....

Jason: why don't you accidentally go sleep on the couch?

the "hairy" situation....

so, yesterday, i looked into the mirror, and i'm pretty sure i saw something that looked like the guy on the right....

which would have been fine and all....

except i was looking at myself....

with a mustache.

oh no! when did this happen?!

how can i get rid of it?!

has jason noticed my mustache and just not said anything because he doesn't want me to feel bad and self conscious?

MUSTACHE.

MUST.

BE.

GONE!!!!

no, i'm not going to SHAVE my face!

gross!

then i'll be stubbly like my 6th grade FEMALE teacher (who happened to have the last name 'Shaver', poor thing.)

ugh.

no, i just would never SHAVE my face.

BLEACH!

i can BLEACH IT!

i can go out, get bleach and bleach it before he even gets home.

i can do this.

discretely.

so i go to CVS.

i go to this "area" and there are like 50 million different "hair removal" products!!!! ( i just wanted BLEACH!)

seriously!

there are some just for your face and all other "areas" of your body....

i think, "hm.. this one looks like it'll do the trick and it even has vanilla scent! yay for vanilla scented bleach!"

maybe it was the nervousness of standing in front of "hair removal" products with nothing else to buy in the store that made me choose as quickly as i could....

or perhaps it was my impatience (or jason's voice in my head telling me to "just pick one") but, whatever it was, that's just what i did.

i just picked one....

i went home and read the directions thoroughly.

just squeeze some creme (yes that's how it's spelled) onto your finger and apply to your face. wait 3 to 5 minutes and wipe off with a lukewarm cottonball or tissue. don't use soap. pat dry.

perfect.

easy.

no mixing stuff together and all that jazz.

so about 5 minutes pass.

i go to wipe off the bleach and it looks like my face is peeling!

so i lean in closer....

noooo, my face wasn't peeling!!!

THAT was the hair being REMOVED from my upper lip.

that was my MUSTACHE!

there goes my mustache!!!!

my upper lip was tingling and i thought "OH NO! i totally just waxed it off and now it's going to grow back alll stubbly. or jason's gonna notice that it's gone, and he's gonna wonder where it went. he might even wonder if i used his razor. i didn't shave it. what if 7 hairs grow back for every 1 hair that was removed?"

oh NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i went and showed my mom (i was at her house).

"mom! this isn't the right stuff! this totally just WAXED my face!!!!"

"that's okay," she says, "it's not like you SHAVED it off. it'll be fine."

"NO! this isn't the right stuff! that's not what i meant to do!"

by now, my upper lip is pink and tingling still....

and then jason calls.

"i'm on my way home honey."

CRAP!!!!!

so much for being discrete!!!

my lip is totally pink and puffy and i'm gonna be broken out in hives that will probably obstruct my breathing and when i go to the hospital, they'll ask me what's wrong and i'm going to have to tell them that i was trying to get rid of my mustache before my husband got home!

my mom says, "just take it back and tell them it was the wrong item and then just get the right one."

"MOM! i'm sure! hiii, i was just here about 15 minutes ago" (with a mustache).... "i bought this hair removal product and unfortunately it's not the right one" (without a mustache).... i'm SO SURE!!!!"

she kinda laughs a little bit....

then Poppa (Pat) chimes in, "yeah, there was just a man in here about 15 minutes ago who purchased this item, in fact, he was wearing the same thing as you!"

Thanks poppa!!! as if i didn't feel horrible enough about this "hairy" situation....

i went home.....

so jason calls and says, "honey, i'm almost home."

i run to the bathroom to see if my face is still all pink. it's really not....

he comes in and i swear he kept looking at my upper lip....

i asked, "what?! what are you looking at?"

he says, "i'm looking at where the words are coming out of. same place i always look."

why did i just feel like he was STARING at my upper lip?

and me, being the "me" that i am, totally cave and tell him all about my attempt to bleach my mustache without him noticing, which went horribly wrong and ended up in my pretty much waxing my entire face off, and it turning all pink and well if my face smelled funny, it was probably that stupid creme that i used, and i just wanted to feel feminine and like a woman and i just wanted to be attractive to him and not have face fur that you could see glistening in the sun....

of course, him being the "him" that he always is, reassures me all over again, and pulls me close.

i turned my head so he wouldn't get a whiff of that scent i was smelling right under my nose and hugged him tight....

now if only i had enough for my legs....

Extraterrestrial Tuesday.

If you didn't already think i was weird....

well then you will now....

MONSTERS!!!!!!

i totally wouldn't watch this before bed.... these things will EAT YOU ALIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

(just per your request Ms. Anthropy!!)

watch out taylor swift.

well let me go back a bit.... taylor records music videos on my computer often!

i come on here, and there's just a new video... this is like a weekly ritual for her.... or something like that.... one was so cute and animated that i posted it on here (her imitation of Fergie and "big girls don't cry") this one was not so animated, but still made me laugh when i happen to stumble upon it randomly....

since she made this video, we decided we'd make one together....

this video was not recorded with the intent to post.....

but i've got nothin' for you guys today.

nothin' but a cheap taylor swift/dork video.... (and this was from a few weeks ago)

i wish i could be nearly as cute as Ally from "Fourth grade nothing".... but unfortunately.... i'm no where near that.... so this is just gonna have to do for now.....

i think taylor totally got embarrassed and backed out of the whole "making the video TOGETHER" part, and ended up ditching me shortly after we started....

notice the closed door in the back?

jason was taking a nap.

he woke up and asks, "is this what happens everytime i take a nap?"

ummmm..... pretty much.... ;)

a slice of "ME" pie.... extra whip, please.

so this is continued from yesterday....

this is what i was presented with....

a ME pie chart....

i stared at this pie chart that i made, and wondered, "when did all of these pieces of pie become one? where was I when i slowly lost sight of.... ohhhh.... say, EVERYTHING?!

I needed to draw this chart back out....

i needed to stare at it for a while and to then break it down again.... put all of ME back into those things....

(click to enlarge the chart, it's hard to see otherwise)

CAREER- that is your career, your job, your means of money.... pretty self-explanatory.... what i have pretty much decided, is that having zero income has made me feel pretty reliant and DEPENDENT on jason. i have NEVER, not once depended on ANYONE else for this, and i've pretty much worked since I was about 12 (started working spinning signs for model homes). I had suuuuch a great desire for money. now when i think about it, i think this goes back to a certain time (middle school) i can remember my DAD (who lived in Tennessee) taking my MOM (who had FULL custody of us) to court for thinking that he was paying my mom too much money. i remember coming home after my mom had bought my younger sister and i some new bedroom furniture (a few days before).... i knew she had court that day, and i came walking in the house all bouncy and gitty, hoping it went well. however, i walked in to find my mother, hunched over, putting our bedroom furniture together in her pale yellow dress that she had worn to court. i asked, "how did it go mom?" she turned around and had black mascara under her eyes and running down her cheeks.... you must know one thing about my mom.... SHE NEVER CRIED.... at least not in front of us.... i knew it was bad. she got a 2nd job and began working 7 days a week. i offered to work and give her my money too. she wouldn't take it. but we did work together spinning signs.... i didn't ever really stop working after that....

FAMILY- family, doesn't mean you must love all of your family because you just must. it means.... family. this is the piece of your life that fits the people in that matter most to you. your husband, your wife, your parents, your grandparents, your siblings (or not).... whoever you love and appreciate in your family, you find a way of putting them into your life (or not).... measure that piece just right. it's a tough one....

FRIENDS- this is important too. my best friend, just so happens to be my husband. i do, however, speak with, have lunch with, or play guitar hero with other people, you know.... hee hee.... you've got to find the right balance of this piece as well....

PHYSICAL HEALTH- this consists of all of your doctor's appointments, your dental exams and cleanings, getting enough sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc. (EPIC FAILURE of mine)

HOBBY/LEISURE- well, um, i like writing.... which consumes a whole lot of my time, but i enjoy it, and this "hobby" also falls under my mental growth.... kind of.... at least i'd like to think so. i LOVE the beach. riding bikes. i like being with my family. i love watching the kiddos enjoy themselves. (T at the park, or swimming, getting ice cream, pedicures, etc). Lewie, he really isn't content with anything, (not yet at least) except when we're on a bike ride.... =)

MENTAL GROWTH- this includes anything and everything that helps you, teaches you something new.... therapy.... self improvement.... taking classes or courses.... reading.... this is muy importante, and i think a lot of people fail to really nurture this piece....

SPIRITUAL- this piece is for whatever you believe in.... for the part that brings you peace.... whether that be meditation, church, whatever it is for YOU!!!!

and last is COMMUNITY- what do you do for others.... do you volunteer? help out at school? help at the senior center? i don't know.... i think this one has a wide variety of options.... but make it count!!!!

it's beneficial to seriously sit down and look at what you make time for and what you don't.... it's REALLY beneficial to draw up a plan that will help you to incorporate the things that DO matter INTO your life more....

bullseye changes and happy contagious.... okay, um. what?!

So i'll catch you up to where i'm at, currently.

I am usually a very optimistic person....

I usually try to see the very best in things, and situations, even when they just flat out suck!

this is true.

i usually wake up first thing and have stories and stories i want to talk to you guys about.

My mind is usually going a hundred miles a minute and i'm smiling and laughing and even when i want to pull my hair out, i still find humor in the small (and large) things....

Life is just (usually) good.

I'm not even gonna lie.

i've been in the BIGGEST crappy mood lately and i just haven't been able to kick it.

i have a therapist.

one i've had for years.

sometimes i just go to her, because it's someone outside of my everyday life to just listen, without going around telling the world my business.... (i am a blogger. i can do that myself, thank you very much.)

or to tell me i'm looking awfully happy.

or sad.

or tired.

sometimes she just smiles and laughs at me and says, "you really didn't need to come today, did you?"

and, you know, sometimes she's right....

but lately.

lately, i go in with SO much weighing on my mind.

we leave off on one thing, and i think to myself, "i gotta remember to pick up where we left off next week...."

but THEN next week comes, and there's like 50 million new things I wanna talk about, and who even CARES about where we left off last week, cuz i'm totally over that now, and......

and.

and.

and.... i can go on forever....

what it comes down to is this....

before Jason i had me.

i had myself,

and taylor,

and asia.

i didn't trust anyone.

i had this image of my heart.

i called it my "bullesye." (don't laugh at the image; clicking on it helps.... ALOT!)

That was my heart.

i trusted my mom.

my stepdad.

and my daughter.

.... even moreso than i trusted my own self.

i couldn't make a decision on my own.

i'd call for backup.

i wanted someone else to hold accountable if i made a poor decision.

i trusted my best friend about as much as i trusted myself,

and then she slept with the guy i was seeing at the time, so she was then on the outs of my heart....

i looked for my happiness EVERYWHERE else but right where it mattered....

inside ME....

i felt WHOLE when i helped the cancer patients.

i felt like i HAD MEANING when i'd help the entire families through something so tragic.

i was incredibly co-dependent (and still kind of am, i know it)....

but i've come leaps and bounds these past few years.

I feel it in my heart, where it REALLY matters.

It's my constant desire for better, that always keeps me striving.

i don't want everything DIFFERENT, i just want it better....

constantly....

i want to be a better me,

ALL around, because a better ME makes for:

-a better wife

-a better mom

-a better worker

-a better friend

-a better sister

-a better daughter

-a better stepdaughter

-a better granddaughter

-a better niece

-a better cousin

-a better aunt

-a better everything else that i am.... the list goes on....

a better ME makes for a lot of better things....

when i am cheerful, it is contagious.

when i am unhappy, it is, too, contagious....

i like spreading happiness and smiles and positive energy more!!!!

i love dancing around like a nutcase in the stores because my daughter laughs her little head off!

i love it when my husband just stares at me and smiles or laughs and makes little comments like "honey, that's why i love you!"

with jason,

i have learned to hold myself accountable for the decisions that we make.... we cannot call for backup in all of our decisions. we discuss the possibilities together and come up with OUR best decision.... and if we face hardships, then we deal with those too.... together.... no more, "hey mom, which one is better??" (okay, not even gonna lie, i still totally do this sometimes, but that's after Jason says he doesn't care one way or the other)....

with jason, i have learned to trust myself a whole lot more.

i'd say that is one of the BIGGEST things i've learned to do, next to learning to trust someone else....

He is definitely a man of his word. if he says it's going to happen, it will.

and i appreciate that more than he'll ever know.

i've somehow begun to put so much trust into him, that i almost feel like it's likely overwhelming and probably a lot of pressure on him.

i feel like i've swapped my go-to person.

swapped my mom for jason.

i think that's kind of what you do when you're married. (minus the parental roles)

they SHOULD be your go-to person.

consult with each other for big decisions.

i know there's still SO much to learn....

together.

we'll look back on this time in our life and laugh about it.

(well hopefully he'll laugh at what a brat i can be)

i want to re-gather myself, if you would....

i'd like to take a breath of fresh air and remind myself of all the individual things that make me happy.

one at a time.

the things that bring me joy.

and happiness.

and smiles.

the things that make me shine....

i want to be healthy, happy, headstrong contagious again....

part 2 to come....

stories to tell....

i came across a bunch of bins of photos....

and then....

i realized.

i've got soo many stories to tell....

thankfully i've got a scanner.

and time to tell them....

squidward and i.... we've got a lot in common.

Taylor: "Mom, what does claustrophobic mean?"

Me: "it means you don't like being in small spaces. you kind of freak out. like in an elevator or something, or a box. or in a group of a bunch of people all smashing you like a sandwich."

Taylor: "Squidward is claustrophobic, Mom." (squidward is a character from spongebob)

"Speaking of squidward, mom, we really gotta take your clarinet out and you gotta teach me how to play it again."

for those of you who didn't know that i was in the marching band in high school: (i'm the upper right hand corner.)

Squidward ALSO plays the clarinet.... funny how her little mind works....

holy rollerbladin', steppin', jumpropin, bikeriding machine.

i think i've found the key to exercise.

i've GOT to switch it up.

new find yesterday.

if you want to find out WHERE you need to lose the chunk.

jumprope.

with both feet together.

you will jiggle in places you didn't even know existed.

i put my bathing suit on and THOUGHT i was going to go in the back to lay out....

and then i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that SITTING in the backyard would not be nearly as productive as doing something like working out.

so i put my clothes back on and decided that i was going to go ROLLERBLADING!

yes, rollerblading!!

but i'm talking like skate depot style, because i didn't want to battle those up and down hills in ROLLERBLADES (and because lewie was taking a nap.... and because my front wheel is so worn down from me using it as a brake in the previous years of my rollerblading prime, and my actual brake was pretty worn out too.... and, well, because WHO ROLLERBLADES ANYMORE?!) me.

but only as of yesterday. these are the same rollerblades i got as a birthday or Christmas gift in like 7th grade.... and yes they still fit.... and nooo, they're not cool. jason was sitting on the back of the truck watching us ride around our cul-de-sac like we were at some skating/bikeriding rink, and he said, "when did you get those rollerblades?" i said, "ohh like 7th grade..." he says, "those are the expensive kind!! i couldn't ever afford to have those kind." awwwwwwww.... my poor honey!!!

okay, sorry, i get so mushy over my husband. don't you guys know that by now?

so i'm making these crazy 8's around the circle, and my thighs are totally burning.... and i do this until i can hardly breathe.... and my ankles start hurting, because i have skated in YEARS.... and so i put my tennies on and decided that taylor and i would now have a jumproping competition.... she jumps first.... she got to about 24 jumps, then hands it over to me.... i got to 47 jumps. everytime i jumped, i thought about all the jiggling that was going on, and thought i was going to pee my pants.... so i think i just purposely stopped at 47 jumps.... then taylor gets to like 17 before it got caught on her foot. then i jump to like 87.... and then stop.... and my eyelids were sweating... holy cow.... i think all of our jumping got jason interested to see how much he could jumprope and so he jumps with us.... and he totally shows off and got the rope around his head like three times with one jump.... taylor and i jumproped around the cul-de-sac to see how many times it would take to get around. i DIED laughing, and thought i was going to fall over.

AMAZING how much energy kids have!!! i'm pretty sure my neighbors got a goooood laugh at watching me attempt to play with Taylor.

i think the key to keeping me active is switching it up a bunch.... this could be fun....

or dangerous.

limelight. (originally written on 4/8/09)

you're in the

limelight.

the light's bright.

it's your night.

we pack our bags

to follow you.

up and down,

to win the crown.

we spend our fun,

when we were young,

to stand back and watch....

you....

the curtain's pulled,

and there you are.

every last hair in place,

your make up'd face....

we cheered aloud,

from in the crowd.

we were nothing.

we meant nothing.

we stood back

to watch you bask

in all your glory.

your life was our story.

round 2.

we're older.

my shoulder's MY shoulder.

forgive me for not sharing,

i'm not that uncaring.

you're in the limelight.

the light's bright.

it's your night.

again....