you wanna eat my shoes? have at it!

yes.

it's one of those days.

lewie was up FOUR times last night....

count that...

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

FOUR!

he's almost 8 months old and there is absolutely NO reason he shouldn't be sleeping through the night.

now i KNOW that there are mommies who are going to not agree with me and say that all babies are different and blah blah blah.

and there will be other people who tell me it's my fault (and i'll actually AGREE with you guys)....

you see, we moved into this house.... where we get this brilliant idea to put the kids in a room together....

the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms are right next to each other and well, away from the master bedroom.

i couldn't choose who was going to have the bedroom that was "closer" to ours.... and plus, off the 3rd bedroom, there is a sliding door to another patio, and that scares me.... because what if a burglar broke in through there or exited through there and took one of my babies with them? i would feel so incredibly guilty that i picked that child to be in that room.... AND the 3rd bedroom is hardwood flooring like the rest of the house (with the exception of the 2nd bedroom and the master bedroom which have carpet)

i thought it was only fair to put both kids in the 2nd bedroom (with carpet) and put all of their toys in the 3rd bedroom so it would be like a guest bedroom/playroom. and that way i wouldn't have to decide and they'd both be "closer" and the whole world would just be happy and merry (or at least i would be)

anyway.... lewie was doing GREAT sleeping through the night before we moved. well, he'd grunt and stuff, (and that would wake me up) but he wouldn't WAKE UP and SCREEEEAAAAAMMM like he does here....

i wonder if there are ghosts here. i mean i DO hear creepy noises alll day (and night) long.... maybe that's why he screams....

ugh! i HATE it!

so he and taylor are sleeping in the same room.... so when he wakes up screaming, of COURSE i go running in there and sweep him out of there (after many failed attempts of trying to just give him his binky and get him to go back to sleep)

yes, we are those parents that you just grind your own teeth over.... the ones that jump to their child's needs... and i HATE IT! i would put ear plugs in my ears and just let him cry it out until he learned that he needed to just sleep through the night, but my guilt will NOT allow me to do so until we have a baby monitor for him at least.... AND because i don't want taylor to wake up from him screaming (which usually she doesn't wake up if he's just crying, but when he starts his full throat and lung screams, she does wake up) and i feel horribly guilty.

and i hope it's not affecting her school, which so far, i don't think it is, but we'll see....

so i am thinking of purchasing another one of those large area rugs and putting it in the 3rd bedroom and setting up lewie's crib (and baby monitor) in there and letting him just cry it out again. we did the whole, bring taylor into our room and let lewie cry it out for a night or 2, and he did great, but then went back to crying again.... i don't know what to do.

i get sooo fed up in the middle of the night, i feel like i'm having an out of body AND mind experience. like i'm not even ME.... it's the strangest and crappiest feeling ever....

i know i can't be alone with this, but all the perfect mommies out there aren't going to admit to this, i'm sure....

i finally just broke out into tears on the couch last night at 1233 while holding lewie.... i just cried sooo hard and called for jason to please come out and help me.... to just take him! and i crawled back into bed, crying.... but barely remember that.... i fell asleep on a wet pillow and woke up a few short hours later to him screaming again....

ugh. these bad (nights and) days just do me over....

so needless to say, i'm in the WORST mood today.

i don't have that "awww let me cuddle you" feeling....

i have the feelings like, "go ahead and crawl around.... bang on the remote.... oh, and you wanna eat my shoes? go ahead.... have at it!!!"

can you hold on just a sec? i think Child protective services just knocked at my door....