"mom, i don't think i have sad emotions."

that's what she said to me this afternoon....

i'm sitting here watching her paint.

so far she's painted a very colorful rainbow picture (inspired by van gogh, she told me), 3 hearts, one inside the other, a starbucks drink (for me), and Batman (my parent's cat who is now in kitty heaven)....

she is painting the picture of batman, and she keeps looking at a picture of him up on the mantle. she doesn't know i'm watching her, but i am observing.

she says to herself: "that's my batty boy," as she's looking up at the picture....

my computer is to her right and i'm facing her, so if i lifted my eyes just over the top of my computer screen, i can see her face.

she says "mom. i don't think i have that emotion."

i look up over my computer screen.

me: "what emotion?"

taylor: "the sad ones."

me: "why do you think you don't have sad emotions?"

taylor: "because.... i don't cry when i'm sad. nana and poppa cried when batty died. I didn't. when pappy passed away, i didn't cry. you did... a lot. i just don't cry when i'm sad."

me: "i know a time you cried when you were sad. when your dad came back from Iraq."

taylor: "yeah but those were tears of joy."

me: "i know another time you cried.... when Matt Girard went home on American Idol."

taylor: "yeah but that doesn't really count for much, because i don't really cry a lot. you can't prove anything."

what? what does that even mean? lol.

i wonder if i've somehow scared her into not crying.

the way i often remember my father scaring me into not crying over stuff....

i remember him telling me he was going to spank me when i was crying because i opened a collector's tin of crayons. i proceeded to cry, but with my face hanging and wiping the tears before they could run down my cheeks.

i don't hit taylor.

i don't need to.

have i threatened to hit her?

i have, but i think she knew i was full of it.

because i really couldn't tell you the last time i spanked her butt.

i think preschool.... one morning when she wasn't doing what i asked her to, and that was the one and only time she told me that she didn't love me.

broke my heart....

anyway, i totally got off track, just like i always do, and the whole point was me wondering why my 7 year old daughter thinks that she doesn't have "sad emotions."

that makes me sad.

maybe she doesn't have sad emotions because i have enough of them for her.

or because i've brought things into her life and then taken them out (for the better, of course, but still damaging none-the-less....)

and to be entirely honest, she doesn't get a whole lot of sympathy from me.

which brings me to another issue about myself and why i am able to comfort complete strangers much better than I am able to with my own daughter.

i think i have such high expectations for her.

i think she's a lot stronger than maybe she really is?

i don't know.

i guess that'll be for me and my therapist to discuss.

anyway....

i just thought i'd share (yet another moment of my weak parenting moments)....

i am determined to make this better....

even if it takes all of my money going to both her cuss bucket and my therapy.