Wednesday, September 30, 2009

how low can you go? part 1

you know, all of us have our own issues.
our own insecurities.
our own, whatever upsets us, type stuff.
we all have our share of regrets.
and things that we are ashamed about.
we all have that....
our life becomes the decisions we make....
the decisions we make, become our life....
your life is what you choose it to be!
plain and simple.
there are a gazillion memories i have as an indiviual.
as a child.
as a teen. 
as a young adult.
as an adult.
as a woman.
as a mother.
as a girlfriend.
as a friend.
as a student.
as a wife.
as a partner.

i also have memories as a disappointment.
as a liar.
as an embarrassment.
as a nerd.
as a brat.
as an immature individual.
i have many memories....
all of which i'm very grateful (sometimes only fairly) thankful for....
they've molded me into ME today....
many memories have made me cry (big surprise, right?) hee hee.
many have made me laugh (hysterically).
smile (warmly).
love (genuinely).
wonder (curiously).
dislike (temporarily).
hopeful (always).
loyal (passionately).
soooo many are good, and there are many bad ones too....
it's what you CHOOSE to do with those experiences that is what makes you end up where you are.... right here.... today....
many of you may not be religious, and that may work for you.
i'm not claiming to know everything about religion,
but i DO know everything about my faith.
i always say "Faith is the place between the way things are, and the good things that are sure to come."
faith is placing your trust into something higher than yourself.... MUCH higher than yourself.... to me, it's about placing your trust in God.
ACCEPTANCE is a HUGE part of faith!!!!!  it is about accepting the way things happened before. the mistakes you've made (aka sins). we've all been there. we've all done them. they're there. they're the past. they are what has happened. they cannot be changed. the should not be dwelled upon. they are just the past.  i often self reflect and play out how i would have liked a scenario to play out.... rather than acting on raw emotions (much of which i've done and learned from.... aka the bad memories), i try to step out of the given situation, play out the scenario as if it were a friend telling me their story, and then me giving them advice on what i would do.... then i calmly step back in to the scenario, because after all, i AM included on this one, and i play out my desired actions to the best of my ability.  i can give you a few scenarios where acceptance played a rather small (or rather HUGE) role in my life.....

accepting that my father was exactly how he was.... (he wasn't closer, he wasn't very emotional in front of me, he was ill, he was exactly what he was. he was my father!) -rather a huge epiphany and i can remember the EXACT moment i realized and ACCEPTED this!!!!
accepting that he was gone.... he was gone, and there was nothing i could ever do about that. i couldn't go back. i couldn't talk to him face to face. i couldn't talk about things i wish i was able to talk to him about, but you never know those things until it's too late.... i ACCEPTED THAT!
accepting that in Jason's 27 years of life, there was life before me.... there was love before me. there was pain before me. there was 27 full years of life before me.... the good, the bad and the ugly.... i ACCEPTED that.
accepted that there is a GOD!!!! there is a much MUCH higher power than me! i can CHOOSE my actions, but i cannot choose the outcome.... that was VERY hard to accept, but MAGNIFICENT once you do.... you know, i often find myself so afraid of the outcome, and then when you remind yourself that you are ONLY responsible for your actions, (and not the outcome), you can somehow exhale and free yourself of all that tension and anxiety. it's FANTASTIC!!!!
there are many MANY things i've had to accept.... these were all actually pretty big deals to me.... smaller things being that taco bell's soda machine wasn't working, when all we drove through for was a soda.... or accepted that the electricity bill was $115 when it's usually between $40 and $50.... those are small unimportant things.... but still very much about acceptance. things you cannot change, but accept and move on. adjust. 

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