it's like the sun setting on the water....

i sat down in the sand,

and buried my feet into it....

the coolness on the top, 

got cooler the deeper they crawled....

there were a few people.

but only distant.

children's laughter.

little squeals.

i hugged my knees loosely.

it was chilly.

and the waves came in their rhythmic sets.

kissing the shore, as if they had just gotten home.

far out in the water, the sun glistened for miles....

it looked so beautiful resting on the horizon,

hugging the water....

saying good night....

the coolness grew cooler.

i hugged my knees tighter.

i buried even more sand over my toes.

and looked out.... to who knows where.

who knows where the horizon ends.... 

where you'd end up if you rode out to that point.....

you can zoom into your heart.

you can zoom into His....

when you follow His word,

you heart becomes light....

like the sky from the sun....

and when you set yourself free from the anger....

it's like the weight of the world is lifted from your chest.

you can breathe.

you know you've done just what He'd want....

just what you're supposed to do....

but only when it's REAL....

only when those actions are GENUINE..... will you begin to feel the difference....

there's this certain peace that comes with the ocean....

just like that of loving our Lord....

it's kind of like the sun setting on the water....

it gives you that kind of peace, 

and you know it will, again, be there for you tomorrow....

how low can you go? part 1

you know, all of us have our own issues.

our own insecurities.

our own, whatever upsets us, type stuff.

we all have our share of regrets.

and things that we are ashamed about.

we all have that....

our life becomes the decisions we make....

the decisions we make, become our life....

your life is what you choose it to be!

plain and simple.

there are a gazillion memories i have as an indiviual.

as a child.

as a teen. 

as a young adult.

as an adult.

as a woman.

as a mother.

as a girlfriend.

as a friend.

as a student.

as a wife.

as a partner.

i also have memories as a disappointment.

as a liar.

as an embarrassment.

as a nerd.

as a brat.

as an immature individual.

i have many memories....

all of which i'm very grateful (sometimes only fairly) thankful for....

they've molded me into ME today....

many memories have made me cry (big surprise, right?) hee hee.

many have made me laugh (hysterically).

smile (warmly).

love (genuinely).

wonder (curiously).

dislike (temporarily).

hopeful (always).

loyal (passionately).

soooo many are good, and there are many bad ones too....

it's what you CHOOSE to do with those experiences that is what makes you end up where you are.... right here.... today....

many of you may not be religious, and that may work for you.

i'm not claiming to know everything about religion,

but i DO know everything about my faith.

i always say "Faith is the place between the way things are, and the good things that are sure to come."

faith is placing your trust into something higher than yourself.... MUCH higher than yourself.... to me, it's about placing your trust in God.
 

ACCEPTANCE is a HUGE part of faith!!!!!  it is about accepting the way things happened before. the mistakes you've made (aka sins). we've all been there. we've all done them. they're there. they're the past. they are what has happened. they cannot be changed. the should not be dwelled upon. they are just the past.  i often self reflect and play out how i would have liked a scenario to play out.... rather than acting on raw emotions (much of which i've done and learned from.... aka the bad memories), i try to step out of the given situation, play out the scenario as if it were a friend telling me their story, and then me giving them advice on what i would do.... then i calmly step back in to the scenario, because after all, i AM included on this one, and i play out my desired actions to the best of my ability.  i can give you a few scenarios where acceptance played a rather small (or rather HUGE) role in my life.....

accepting that my father was exactly how he was.... (he wasn't closer, he wasn't very emotional in front of me, he was ill, he was exactly what he was. he was my father!) -rather a huge epiphany and i can remember the EXACT moment i realized and ACCEPTED this!!!!

accepting that he was gone.... he was gone, and there was nothing i could ever do about that. i couldn't go back. i couldn't talk to him face to face. i couldn't talk about things i wish i was able to talk to him about, but you never know those things until it's too late.... i ACCEPTED THAT!

accepting that in Jason's 27 years of life, there was life before me.... there was love before me. there was pain before me. there was 27 full years of life before me.... the good, the bad and the ugly.... i ACCEPTED that.

accepted that there is a GOD!!!! there is a much MUCH higher power than me! i can CHOOSE my actions, but i cannot choose the outcome.... that was VERY hard to accept, but MAGNIFICENT once you do.... you know, i often find myself so afraid of the outcome, and then when you remind yourself that you are ONLY responsible for your actions, (and not the outcome), you can somehow exhale and free yourself of all that tension and anxiety. it's FANTASTIC!!!!

there are many MANY things i've had to accept.... these were all actually pretty big deals to me.... smaller things being that taco bell's soda machine wasn't working, when all we drove through for was a soda.... or accepted that the electricity bill was $115 when it's usually between $40 and $50.... those are small unimportant things.... but still very much about acceptance. things you cannot change, but accept and move on. adjust. 

365 days and nights....

today is september.

september 29th.

exactly 1 year ago today, he came over.

he invited himself over actually. (but i wouldn't have it any other way)

while taylor and i had plans to go grocery shopping and cook dinner together.

he joined us...

for both....

he made me laugh.

a lot.

and smile.

a lot.

and he stayed.

and he only left in the mornings, when he had to be to work....

but he always came back....

every single day since then....

today is 365 days together.... 

tonight....

tonight is our 365th night together.... 

not a single night apart....

i look forward to many more hundreds of thousands of nights together....

with you and ONLY you, my love....

my very VERY best friend!

i love you JRK....

SOOOO much more than you know....

although, i think you might have an idea. ;)

she told me....

she told me i'm not guilty....

but that i'm also not perfect. (WHAT?! i know right? you're just as shocked as i was! haha!)

i am human.

that's what she told me....

i like that much better.

i am not guilty.

i am not perfect.

i am human.

yes, yes. human. 

imperfect. 

in fact i'm far.

far from perfection....

i am a mom.

a NEW mom, again.

a renewed mom.

but a tired mom.

that's okay.

that's what she told me.

chilly.

so i sit here on the floor....

my knees curled up to my chest.

my bum going numb from sitting on the floor.

no lights are on, 

but i opened the blinds behind me.

i cracked them about half way, so the sun in the overcast sky could peek into this room....

yes. i sit here in complete silence on this bit of a chilly morning.

there are birds outside my window, sitting in the trees.

i wonder.

i wonder often.

i wonder how.

i wonder why.

i wonder when.

i wonder HOW it is that i'm here.

imagine a map of our earth from space. 

zoom in.

zoom in to north america.

zoom in to our states. the United States. 

zoom in to California.

zoom in to southern california.

and then again to laguna niguel.

zoom in to our street, and to our home.

zoom in to the dining room window and you'll find me...

sitting here on the floor in the living room, in front of the TV (that is off), with my knees bent and my back pressed against the couch.

that's where you'll find me....

i can hear the sound of the passing jet overhead.

i can hear someone edging their lawn.

(and the toilet in the 2nd bathroom running again).... for no reason. it just runs.

my white board is to my left..... 

i just erased everything and rewrote the entire board.

it looks nice.

it looks organized. (much of which i'm not).

i long to be organized.

i long for this house to have near nothing in it, 

and for everything in it to have a home.

i do wish that, very much so.

i wish for Taylor's room to be the most organized!

I think her room will be my "project of the week."

i just decided that while typing this out.

**writing that down on the dry erase board**

i want to know that i can do this.... alone.

i NEED to know that i can do this, from start to finish.... complete it.

yes, that's what i need right now.

i wonder how i got here.

why i'm here.

what my purpose is.

i wonder why some things that seem so great, flip at the drop of a dime (no, not my marriage or Jason) but things i've done, or have started to do....

you start something that almost seems effortless and it just works....

it works great!

and then the more time you invest in it, the worse it seems to turn out....

that's where i am.... at this very moment this chilly morning....

i wonder where my efforts went wrong....

"Hoag"toria's Secret

believe it or not, these are underwear. 

These are stretchy, net style underwear that they give you after you have a child.... 

they are SUPER comfy and are highly necessary after giving birth, but when you are unable to get off your bum and walk around, they can become highly annoying....

The day we were released from the hospital they gave us a few pairs to take home....  

My husband, being the lovely hilarious husband that he is decided these were my "Hoag"toria's Secret undies.... 

i just thought the name was hilarious. 

MAN i love my husband....

and the hoagtoria's secrets?? not so much!  =)

low down dirty shame.

So I lie here restless.... This isn't really like me these days, as I'm usually utterly exhausted.... Lewie goes to sleep and I find myseld SUPER exhausted and falling asleep right behind him.... It's awesome. He's been sleeping a lot better and longer and I love it.

Tonight, there aren't the usual LOUD Harley sounds coming from our patio (okay across from our patio, but it sounds like it's RIGHT there).... There isn't the sound of Lewie's horrific high pitch scream ringing in my ears.... There's the soft snores coming from both boys ( mostly jason) and the thumping of some la musica from my neighbor.... Maybe it's their payback for all the time my screaming son has kept them awake.... *sigh*....

I'm irritated right now.... HIGHLY irritated right now. So irritated that I actually had to get out of bed and go into the living room and turn on the tv because, otherwise, I probably would have woken Jason up with my grumbles of irritation.... I probably would have carried on a meaningless irritable conversation that would probably go something like this;
Ashley: *complaining*
Jason: *tries to fix problem*
Ashley: *grumbles and starts complaining about something else*
Jason: *offers solution to problem #2*
Ashley: *finds excuses as to why that solution won't work*.... *pauses*.... *starts grumbling about problem number 3, 4 and 7*.... *then goes back to complain about 5 and 6*.... *and 8 and 9*....
Jason: *dozing off*
Ashley: *begins complaining that he's falling asleep*...

Yeah. That's probably how tonight would have ended up if I didn't excuse myself from my overly exhausted bedroom full of sleeping individuals....

*sigh*.... So I'll sit here and grumble to myself.... You don't have to read this you know....

I think I'm just extremely hormonal or something because I can burst into tears at any given moment about anything or nothing at all.... I'm not gonna lie, I feel disgusting.... And that may very well contribute to my not so pleasant moods.

That leads me into my low down dirty shame. Can I just burn all my clothing so that I am not reminded of how these formfitting clothes used to fit a completely different figure?

In the time that I've had off from work, I've had a lot of time to self-reflect.... A LOT of time to self-reflect.... You know.... I've realized something so incredibly major and lifechanging.... You never realize how controlling you are, until you begin giving up some of your control....!!!! This has been a mutual compromise within our relationship. Here are two incredibly loving, caring, controlling, yet pleasing people who both love each other more than anything, but are so stuck in their ways.... But also want to change themselves for the better.... It's a work in progress.... A long one. A fun one. An interesting one, and a SUPER loving one.

I think laughter is absolutely one of the key ingredients to an amazingly healthy relationship. (Not that I'm some key expert on marriage or anything) but it's what definitely keeps the marriage fun and lighthearted....

Jason and I began going to church last year together and hadn't really gone much once I couldn't walk anymore (and it was a while before I got my wheelchair, and by then I was absolutely miserable).... Those of you who are familiar with our church know about how long it takes to get from your vehicle up into church, especially when you can't walk!!!! So I'd watch the sermons from my computer. But they just weren't the same. I didn't have my notes with me and it just didn't feel the same. I felt like we lost sight of the path we were both so strong on together. I know that the very moment we both set foot in church again together, that strength will most certainly bond that feeling again instantly!!!! (I don't know if that even made any sense) what I'm trying to say is that, I am not saying we lost our faith by any means, I'm just saying that we lost our concentration and dedication and happiness to something we were BOTH beginning to learn so much about. I've been afraid to speak about something I didn't know too much about.... I don't like to be questioned, or challenged, or not have any idea what someone is talking about.... But I know that religion is a lifelong learning experience.... I have a lot of faith and excitement for all the many things to come soon....

Wow. My mind is in 15000 different places right now, so I should probably rest it on my expensive pillow (thank you love) ....

I'd like to repost some optimism after this negativity.... I do look forward to keeping you updated with some fantastic news very soon! Keep us all in your prayers, PLEASE! Pray that I don't go INSANE anytime soon!!!! =)

For now, I'll leave with great hopes that everyone has a wonderful week!!!!

Here's to losing some weight soon!!!! Good night!

harley.

i like the way harleys look. 

don't get me wrong.

but they are NOT meant to be in a condo community.

UGH!

these GUYS who live to the left of our patio (and all his friends), have harleys.... and they ALWAYS meet up at his condo.

UGH!

ha! no seriously! 

it's terribly horribly loud and sounds like they are starting up their motorcycles in our living room.... 

harleys should have a "silent" button until they are far away from here.... maybe like on the freeway or something.....

so... mr harley neighbor, yes, i realize there will be noise that i don't want to hear while living in condos, but can you please push your harley away from here before you start it? 

thank you. =)

reality is....

reality is.... we're all going to die one day....

i hope my day is later than sooner....

i want to live to watch my children grow older.... and be happy!

that's what i want more than anything.... happy children and a happy, loving marriage full of laughter and LOTS of love....

so last night, jason and i were driving home from long beach..... taylor was in the car with him, and little man was in the car with me. we were merging onto the 405 south from the 22 east.... it was just after 7 pm.... little man began fussing. my head was beginning to pound.... again.... we merged all the way over to the carpool. (well, little man and i did)  jason and taylor stayed in the right lane..... they passed us. those lanes were actually moving a litttttle bit faster than ours was.... a red motorcycle, splitting lanes, passed me on my right side. and i was JUST thinking about how i HATE when motorcycles do that. especially when they're quiet motorcycles.... and their light doesn't do that funky flicker thing to let you know they're coming up on you really fast, or if they just change lanes really quickly and all of a sudden fly past you. you think, "holy cow!!!! if i didn't just move to the left to get out of their way, i may have just taken them out on the freeway!!!!" IT'S SCARY!!!!!!!  before jason, i ALWAYS wanted a motorcycle!  i loved everything about them. the freedom you feel when you're on a bike. the wind blowing against you.... there was such a feeling about being in control (when in fact you really have not much control at all, because no matter what.... a car is going to overpower you anyday).... 

so anyway.... literally just seconds after that motorcycle went past me, traffic came to a near dead stop.... the right lanes were still moving.... slowly.... but they were still moving.... jason called my cell phone and said, "there's a guy that was on a motorcycle, laid out on the freeway, not moving."  YUCK! my stomach sank. i knew it had to be coming up really quickly, as jason wasn't THAT far ahead of me.... but i didn't see any sirens.... it didn't even click in my head that a motorcycle had juuuuust passed me seconds before.... so while i am sitting at a dead stop, with a screaming man in the backseat, i see flashing lights in my rearview mirror to the right.... a firetruck is arriving on scene. and behind him, an ambulance, and behind that one, another ambulance.... good. they are on scene. holy cow, this had to be a fresh accident! and then BAM! all of a sudden it was like RIGHT there! a guy, lying motionless on the freeway with firemen, lighting flares and cutting off 4 lanes of the freeway.... there it all was right in front of me. and there was the RED BIKE THAT JUST PASSED ME!!!!! nuts!  you're probably thinking, "come on, we've all seen accidents on the freeways before. cars flipped over, motorcycle accidents.... all that."  but i don't know what it was about last night that just hit me.... like a ton of bricks....

i was SUPER sad all of a sudden. i thought about a wife, or a girlfriend waiting for him to come home.... or friends at a restaurant waiting for him to get there.... or for a mom, waiting for her son to come home... someone somewhere was waiting for his arrival, and someone, somewhere got the news that he wasn't going to make it there.... rather he was on his way to the hospital, hoping he made it that far.... little did he know, that moments before, when he was splitting lanes, passing me, that just a few short moments away he would not be splitting lanes. he would NOT be passing cars. he would NOT be moving at all.... he didn't expect that, nor did anyone else.... the driver who was probably on their way home also, but instead is now pulled over, along with 10 other drivers who witnessed the accident.... that driver had no idea their life would forever change, and they would be traumatized with the fact that they just hit a motorcycle and could have killed someone.... or at the very least injured them horribly enough to the point that they may never want to ride a motorcycle again (and they shouldn't).... 

my eyes just filled with tears.... i thought about jason. i thought about taylor. i thought about lewie. i thought about me not coming home to them, or them not coming home to me. and as horrible as that may sound, it really keeps you thanking your lucky stars.... i don't know what i'd do without any of them. my husband, my rock. my conscience,  my very best friend.... ugh! 

i can't EVEN imagine, nor do i ever want to find out!

my friend, Chelsea, witnessed a young girl on a bicycle get hit by a careless speeding driver the other day and had written this note about how you should love the one you're with. never take them for granted. you never know when it's our time..... it's true. it's cliche. we've all heard it before. it's nothing new, but it's TRUE!  every single day i look at jason, i think back to the very moment i realized "i LOVE THIS MAN!" and it can bring tears to my eyes at any given moment. wherever i am. whoever's around. it doesn't matter. THAT'S what we need to hold onto. i think about the mornings i've been grumpy to taylor (back before lewie), and how horrible i'd feel if i didn't have her there to "bug" me, or talk my ear off, and how much i'd miss it.... man oh man. 

my point is this, you gotta LOVE the ones you love. you've got to tell them and more importantly show them. remind them why you do. (and remind yourself). one day this will spread across the world.... one day, everyone will understand this concept, and it will be such a wonderful world then.... until then.... just try it..... just try to stop for a moment and remember that moment your life changed because of this person. 

i admit, i'm a complete soft, sappy, big ol lover.... i tell jason that the smell of his cologne drives me crazy (in a good way). i love his hair line on his neck, and when he just gets his hair cut.... i love him in black and when he kisses me for no reason. 

ugh here i go again.... always talking about how much i love him. i'm sorry. everyone's probably so sick of hearing about it. 

anyway, back to what i was talking about.... tell the people you love them. show them. tell them why you love them, and how wonderful they've made your life.... it's such a great feeling to hear those things (and to say them too!!!)

smiling is good for your health and it's contagious!

word of the day: love. 

love the ones your with. kiss them good night. every night.... and give thanks for them everyday.... every single day you are blessed with them "annoying" you. =)

housewife, schmousewife!

this was started days ago.... i didn't add anything else to it.... just posted it as was in my "drafts" section.  just wanted it posted, as it was sitting there, like many things of mine, half finished.... here's to finishing what i start....

so i feel like i'm coming to the conclusion that i'm really not cut out to be a housewife!

although these past few weeks have made me feel very much like an OC housewife, there is still a part of me that DOESN'T feel like one!

i can honestly say that after 8 weeks of being at home with a newborn and a 7 year old, i think that going to work a 9-6 job (yes, 9-6.... those were my hours before) is a lot easier than staying at home!!!!  

i don't know how to cook (and don't enjoy it for that matter, not yet anyway), i have very little patience and i HATE to clean!!!! all three are really kinda VERY important to be a stay at home mom!

Jason is an incredibly hard worker and he works extra hard so that we can stay home and enjoy our time together.... but i wonder how women do it? i mean, do they lose their mind (and patience) like i do?  do they sometimes just have meltdowns and cry, (i mean, i don't do that, but i wonder if other people do) ;) okay, so maybe i cry a little every now and again.... but it is OVERWHELMING at times!

my little man will sleep, if we're at home and he's on his stomach, and he's on our bed.... but what happens if we are out and about running some very much needed errands and aren't home at noon or 4 for his second nap? he'll sleep in his carrier or in the car right? WRONG!!!!!! today i ran some errands, and not anything major.... he would NOT sleep for the LIFE OF HIM!!!!!! (or me!)  it is now a few minutes after 5 and he has been on his stomach in my room for a few moments now (screaming his head off by the way) but i think he is FINALLY starting to fall asleep! PHEWF! 

i know i get short fused and snappy with taylor and everyone else who crosses my path during these times.... i apologized to taylor for being "a tad grumpy."  i told her it's usually not her fault.... 

is it completely pathetic that even though Lewie's NOT screaming right now, i can still hear his screaming in my head and it feels like he IS still screaming? ugh! go away, go away go away! like the bad dreams i had last night! you wake up feeling like they are SO real, and like they really happened, but they didn't? yuck. weird. i hate that feeling!

tattoo me!

 LOVE this tattoo!!!! this is very similar to what i've wanted on my arm.... 

love the hair and the make up on this one.... 

i'll have to keep you posted as we plan for the tattooing to come!!!! =)

red, white and blue.... and proud.

Sidenote: this has to be one of my favorite pictures of Taylor....

so i can sit here and tell you about what i was doing and where i was and how that entire day played out 8 years ago, but i'm sure every single one of us replayed where we were that day, at least once today.....

today. it's friday. september 11th, 2009. i have a 6 year 364 day old daughter, who was told to wear red, white and blue today.... this morning i challenged her.... (or taught her something new).... i asked if she knew why she was wearing red white and blue.

"because those are america's colors."

i said, "that's right and because today is september 11th. do you know what happened on september 11th 2001?"

she had no idea....

do you corrupt a little child's mind? or try to teach them something? i didn't pull out my laptop and show her the horrific video clips from that day, but i did decide to explain to her briefly what this day represents.... and what happened on that day.... and why we are so proud to have our freedom. and why we are so thankful for our soldiers (and heroes) that fight and risk their lives so we can continue to have our freedom.... we are so very thankful for this.... and so every september 11th, we will continue to remember them.... all of them....

she seemed enlightened.... and said she was proud to wear the red, white and blue....

TMJ (too much Jason) ;)

So I made mention of Jason's dimples yesterday. Two on the left and one on the right.... I love to see them when he smiles....

It got me thinking.... About so many things I love about him. I love the way he looks when he fixes his hair. When I watch him get ready, it always takes me back to our wedding.... He's so handsome!

Back to his hair. Haha! He has nice thick hair. He looks great hair done, or even when he throws a hat on. When he wears his hat backwards, it reminds me of 2 different occasions. 1. When we went to Knott's scary farm.... And 2. Driving to huntington beach to eat sushi at Toshi's place (sushi restaurant) YUM!!! Both of which he wore his hat backwards.... You know, there are just some things that stick with you (I always say this).... There are sooo many things about my husband that I love and remember....

To so many more wonderful memories of you Love.... I love you with all of my heart and soul! Now hurry up and finish your online course so we can snuggle! (How did I ever get so lucky?)

so long my beloved pregnancy legs....

This was actually a draft saved from last night....

So those of you who know me (and knew me during my pregnancy), knew that about three months into my pregnancy I bagn having difficulty walking and towards the end ofthe pregnancy was given a new set of legs.... A wheelchair.... After the leopard cane ceased assisting me, we skipped the walker and went straight to wheelchair. It was like getting my life back!!!! I could go to costco if I needed to (with someone going with me and driving and all that) but hey! I was OUT OF THE HOUSE! Wooo hooo!!! We even went to the OC swap meet twice. I probably felt as great as those old folks who get that "hover-round" (have you seen those commercials; the one with the 2 old ladies on the edge of the grand canyon cuz they got their motorized "hover-round" (sp) ahahahaha!!! Yeah. I got a lot of stares but I honestly didn't even care. We thought about wrapping up my leg or ankle so it would look like I had a reason to be in a wheelchair rather than telling people who asked "what's wrong?" that "oh my pelvic bone is separated." People don't even KNOW that such a thing existed!!!! Heck, I didn't either until growing the monster!!! Anyway.... It's a fantastic feeling to slowly be regaining all that was there before the pregnancy (with the exception of a few pounds, they could gladly NOT come back and I wouldn't even complain!!!) It's nice to be able to not feel so dependent and needy (well I still am, but at least he doesn't have to push me in the wheelchair) I only get really needy in the middle of the night when the shark's been awake for a few hours and I just can't take it anymore.... Or when I really wannt be snuggled on saturday and sunday mornings.... But I don't even have to ask for that.... =) I love my husband. Ohhh noooo here she goes again about how much she loves her husband right? Haha, I'll save it this time.... Ohh whatever.... At my funeral, I want the world to understand the kind of love I have for Jason. It's a love unlike ANYTHING I've ever known before! I want people to talk about that kind of love.... It's contagious! I also want people to know how very much Taylor saved my life.... She just did and I want her to know that she was TRULY an Angel sent to mommy, that helped mommy more than she could ever know! Lewie, well they can just tell him he made his mommy crazy! Haha!! Awwww I'm kidding! Love that little man! I feel like Jason's with me all day. I want him to have a heart as big and great and as loyal as his father's.... I want him to be as faithful and honest and hardworking as him too (well he doesn't have to work THAT hard.) I want him to be home to enjoy his family too. =). I want him to know what a great daddy he has and how lucky he is to have an older sister who loves him so much and has been soooo loving and patient and selfless.... Okay this totally turned into a self-written what's it called? That thing they read when someone passes away??... Ohhhh it's at the tip of my tongue. Man! Hahaha!

Oh excuse the long pause. Isn't that weird how I can have stopped typing for a few minutes and you never could have been able to tell, unless of course, I told you? I had to kiss my husband, who is making an el pollo loco run because I have felt like absolute crud all night and didn't want to cook (and because it's the closest to us)....

If you don't want to hear me talk about my husband, proceed to paragraph 256, below. Ha! There is this amazing sense of "being right where you belong" when I am with him. His kisses, our joking with each other, his thoughtfulness.... I just love the way we mesh. Cliche, I know. But there has NEVER, not one single second, where I've felt like I've wanted to be anywhere else but right here.... Next to him.... Sharing a home together. Our hearts together. Our lives together.... Yeah.... This is right where I'm supposed to be....

Paragraph 256. Sooooo, however I got soo distracted, I'm back to where I started this original thought.... So long my beloved pregnancy legs!!!! May all the folks at the senior center enjoy you as much as I did!!!!

2 of the worst feelings....

Have you ever had a migraine? Do you know what they feel like??? There are 2 feelings I absolutely haaaaate more than anything (well, everything always seems like the worst pain I've ever had when it's happening) but an upset stomach or a really bad headache or both are just the worst. Yeah... So today? Today I had both.... I've tried sleeping as much as Shark slept today, but the headache's only gotten worse.... I've gagged a few times in bed, thinking I might actually have to jump up any minute, but I didn't want to jump until I really had to puke. I hate those false alarms where you end up over the toilet feeling sick but the smell of the toilet makes you sicker, but not sick enough to throw up. And you can try to stick your finger down your throat but if you don't throw up, then now you have sore tonsils. (I don't think I've experienced "trying to make myself throw up" since I got my tonsils out last May, so I really don't know if I would get that pain or not). My mouth is super watery and I keep swallowing, hoping the urge will soon go away too.... Feeling like absolute crud and trying to take care of a 7 week baby, is the pits.... I actually have the patience for his crying, if I didn't have a headache (so I guess I really don't have the patience then, right?) Ohhh man. It's gonna be a long night....

Thank you Steve.

you know, i've always been a pretty emotional and sentimental person when i care about someone or something....

i guess this also makes me a pack rat too.... i have barbie dolls still in their original packaging that my dad bought me. i have his high school sweatshirt. i have games and dolls he bought or gave me.... i have every (and i mean EVERY) SINGLE PAIR of eyeglasses i've ever worn and owned since i was 5 and in kindergarten. the pink and clear plastic pair (my very first pair) are now yellow tinged and you can barely even tell they had pink in them.... 

i saved ticket stubs to catalina and the tours we took there. i saved san diego zoo ticket stubs and smashed pennies.... i mean, i have so many weird things you wouldn't think a kid at the age of 5 would save, but i did.... i have a totem pole i made in 1st grade. i have window decorations for some odd holidays.... 

yeah, i'm just weirdly sentimental.... or maybe, i'm just afraid to let go.... 

anyway, regardless of me not letting go, i'll go back to being sentimental.... i am very open and honest about the way i feel about many things.... so open and so honest, that often, people probably wish they didn't know how i felt.... i'm sure with jason my openness has been an obstacle, because he is a pleaser. like most men, he is a fixer. he wants to fix the problem.  so anytime i voice a problem, he wants to fix it.  guess what? i don't always want the problem fixed!!!!  he knows this now.... and although a person usually tends to do what they are used to doing (or witnessing) for many years, he's done an amazing job thus far.  (i guess that's why he's so perfect for me! i absolutely adore my husband in case you couldn't tell).... while i am WAY open about my feelings, a lot of people aren't....

this afternoon, i'd received a text message from my father in law that was incredibly sweet. it made my eyes water (and i bet that wasn't even his intention).... it was short, sweet and to the point, and yet it meant so much to me.... so much more than i think he'd ever even realize.... 

you know, i sure am sad that my father and jason's mother are not here to enjoy our little man.... i wish that my father were able to meet jason. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had the few small opportunities and conversations with Marion that I had.... it gives me such a sense of peace.... i know that probably sounds a little bit dramatic (?) maybe? i don't know..... i am just glad to have had that opportunity.... little did they know her son, and my mom's daughter (2 friends from middle school) would end up being married many years later.... i still get a kick out of that, and in some weird way, i just feel like it was more than "meant to be."

anyway.... i got a little off topic, like i normally do.... but i just wanted to say thank you Steve.... for those few short words you sent tonight. you made my evening.... =)   

i love our family too and look forward to all the memories that lie ahead of us together! =)

schedule. recipe. dimples. and Taylor.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

i think i am FINALLY getting little shark man on a schedule here!!!!

he's been waking up right around 415 am in the morning.

i feed him and burp him and am done with that around 440 ish....

daddy showers.

i shower.

get Sharky back to sleep around 520 ish. (today was a little later, but only by about 20 minutes)

go make toast and am free until about 6 ish. 

get T up and pick out her clothes.

she goes to get dressed while i make her breakfast.... we sit down together for that.

when she's done, i go blowdry my hair while she brushes her teeth and hair....

by the time she is done, so am i.

i fix her hair and she goes to pack her bag and put socks on.

during this time, i flat iron my hair and put a little makeup on so that i don't look DEAD!

after that, i make sure little man's bag is packed, get him in his carseat and we are off!

i am really beginning to feel like an OC mom....

i'm not working at this time (maternity leave), always have major starbucks cravings (and have an infant that i drag with me to the drive thru starbucks right up the street, i am up, showered and ready by 630 in the morning now, i cook breakfast (never used to "cook" cereal or poptarts or whatever else was super easy.... now it's like eggs and toast or something).... i sit around thinking about what i'm going to do with my day now that taylor's back in school. once i'm better enough to actually work out, i'll probably end up taking a step aerobics class or something. which will REALLY make me a lame-o in the OC, right?

anyway.... so we get home around 815 am, which is a few minutes past his feeding time.... 

he eats 4 ounces, hangs out for just a bit and goes back to sleep. (this is when i went back to sleep with him today, around 9ish.... and we slept until just after 12) YIKES!

he eats another 4 ounces and stays up for about 45 minutes.... i lay him down on daddy's shirt and he fusses around for a bit, but puts himself to sleep now! 

WE ARE MAKIN PROGRESS!!!!!

i repeat, MAKIN PROGRESS!!!!!!

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

LOVE IT!

so, once he starts dozing off around 1-120ish, i make something small to eat and make the grocery list (oh yeah, totally forgot, Taylor and i pick out our "dinner recipe" at breakfast together, which we did today). so i made the grocery list of what we'd need for dinner tonight and i cleaned out the fridge (tomorrow's trash day).... and unloaded the dishwasher....

so far, so good, only now, taylor's out of school in about 20 minutes and it's probably already a mad house just across the street. yes, i must leave now (in fact, i should have left a while ago so that i'm not fighting traffic just to get into the stinkin parking lot.)

i had a grande starbucks this morning, and although i am craving another, i'm going to TRY to fight the temptation. ha! who does that? starbucks twice a day? i thought once a day was bad... but honestly, today was SOOOO hard to stay awake this morning.... i SOOOO badly wanted to go back to sleep (and rocking him back to sleep in bed was NOT a good idea) it made me want to snooze even more.... 

i know how repetitive i am, but i miss my husband.

i love his dimples. he has 2 on the left side and 1 on the right.... i love seeing them when he smiles.... =)

gotta get outta here.... can't be late for my lovebug! =)

taylor's first day of 2nd grade....

it started out great.... she was so excited to go to her new school and meet new friends.... we talked about how she was going to meet new friends..... "i'm just going to look for people who smile a lot," she said....

once we got there, she wasn't so sure.... the kids all lined up on the playground, and they just kept coming.... more and more children she didn't know.... i think it became a bit intimidating for her....
and the tears started.... she wasn't so sure about this "new school" anymore.... she kept searching for her friend Olivia who was supposed to be coming to this school. i began to wonder if she was ever going to show up.... she did.... but that stilllll wasn't enough for taylor (who kept her face buried in my stomach)....
so many sweet girls in taylor's new class!!!! they were all so very thoughtful and tried to comfort her.... they were telling her that other students were new too! she didn't care. she just told me she wanted her old friends.... BUT i think once they get into their classroom, it will be a lot less intimidating and she will loosen up a bit.... these girls were sweethearts!!!! my poor girl. i cried behind my sunglasses.... hate to see her upset. (maybe it was my own feelings coming to the surface.... those co-dependent feelings of wanting to make everything all right).... bah! regardless of codependency or dysfunctions, you never want to see your children hurt or afraid....
and we got into her new classroom.... and she began placing all of her school supplies into her new desk.... she liked this very much. and she liked it even more that daddy put her initials on every last one of her supplies. she found that rather entertaining.... "even on the glue bottle mom?" .... yep, tiki.... even on the glue bottle.... "ohhhh daddy." =)
with puffy eyes and all, we knew it would be okay.... it will always be okay.... =)

and right before we left, there she was.... settling in to her new classroom. M-3. Mrs. Ritchie's class.... See the lady in the blue? look two kids to the left of her.... the white shirt and piggy tails.... there's T!!! Good bye Angel! have a wonderful first day of 2nd grade! We love you!!!!

=)

i think i'm more nervous than she is.... or isn't....

i sit here awake at 548 am.

not only awake, but showered.

my contacts are in.

i even made 2 slices of oroweat whole grain toast.... with butter.

jason's already on the road to work....

and the sun hasn't even started to light my rooms....

did i ever think i'd be right here?

no. i didn't.

being so awake before dawn gives me this rather eery (sp) feeling.

it takes me back to my childhood, but only when i'd visit my father out of state.....

my dad lived in tennessee since i was 7 (which is where most of my memories with him are).

and everytime we'd go to visit him, we'd be catching the 7 am flight out of LAX and we'd always fly northwest, flight 177 if i remember correctly. leaving this early, meant we had to be awake and out of the house while it was still dark. and as excited as i'd be to be seeing my father in some few hours, i'd be anxious that i was leaving my mom. and not an excited kind of anxious, but rather a sad, uncomfortable kind of anxious....

it's still dark outside. no one is up at this hour, but maybe a few people who are getting ready for work.... maybe the newspaper boy or man, or whoever he was....

the smell of coffee still lingers this morning. our condo's smell of coffee, reminds me of my father's house. He was always awake before i was.... always had his coffee made and sipped it while smoking a cigarette and reading the paper.... and it was still dark outside....

to this day, i still don't like being awake until the sun is.... weird how some things just stick with you.... or maybe, i'm just weird....

i've been awake since 415 this morning.... it was the 2nd feeding of the night. (first one was at 1 something).... my nerves don't let me go back to sleep, because if i did, i know i'd just shut of the alarm when it would go off around 5 am... i knew better. i've learned over the many years of doing so.... i've even overslept and missed my plane to tennessee.... who does that? apparently, i do.

seriously, so much of me wants to go back to bed right now.... but i'm not going to. i'm sitting on the floor in the living room and ALL i can hear is the running sound of the refrigerator, and an occasional grunting sound from my little man down the hall in the bedroom. my stomach's turning, as if i ate eggs. (i don't like eggs very often. they ALWAYS upset my stomach). maybe the same effect for some people who drink coffee sometimes....

i am going to wake taylor up in a few minutes.... it's her very first day of second grade.... i try to think back to my very first day of second grade. i can't remember. all i know is my teacher's name. it was mrs. garland. her skin was wrinkled and she had white hair with streaks of gray.... I can't remember what i wore, but i'm sure whatever it was, was crispy clean and brand spankin new. that's what my mom did. she took us shopping, and we couldn't wear a single item of new school clothing until the first day of school. our shoes were brand new as well. I remember trying the outfit on the night before (and maybe even a few days before, too) just to get "ready" and make sure the outfit looked just right (and because i was super anxious to wear it).... so last night, we did this. Taylor and i, went through all her new clothes and picked out just what she would wear.... we even got out a pair of her brand new shoes (thanks grammy for the cool white and pink tennies). After her bath, we tried on the outfit as a whole, and she loved it. she was so pumped.... (thank goodness for her trying this outfit on, as she was starting to get the jitters about starting school today).... you know, i hadn't had any nervous feelings for her until this morning. i have so much confidence in Taylor meeting new friends, but this still isn't how i envisioned it being.... i moved to Irvine for the schools and had no plan on leaving until she was done with school.... i didn't want to move her away from her friends. she's so resiliant, that often i am afraid i overlook her feelings.... am i missing the things that are going to affect her long term? are these things really not that HUGE of a deal? i don't know! i just pray that i've made the right decision up and to this point.... so taylor's first day is today..... her teacher's name is Mrs. Ritchie, or maybe it's Miss. We don't know that much yet. Miss or Mrs Ritchie looks a lot like Taylor's first grade teacher.... We are going to try to walk over to school today (since it is just across the street)....

Little man is still sleeping, so I am going to go wake taylor up. i am going to help her get all ready and spend extra time with her this morning. i even made cinnamon and sugar so we can have cinnamon toast (one of her favorites). She'll be excited for the mommy and me time WITHOUT little man.... i'll be excited for it too.... it's been a while....

snugglesaurus....

I just wanted to say, that when we have our "morning feeding" and my little man falls asleep on me, and daddy leaves for work.... It's soooo hard to get up while my little man's still snoozing. Normally I wake up to him grunting and all that jazz, but today is my dr's appt and he's just sleeping soundly, all snuggled up on mama.... I hate leaving my snugglesaurus in bed by himself.... (Especially when I'm this tired).

Ohhhh staarrrrbucks.... I'm comin your way! VENTI size today! =)

a whole lot of nothing important....

I lie here (in a half sitting position) with chapped lips that I keep licking every now and again to soften them up (yes I know this only makes them worse) but I'm really in no condition to move from this warm place I've began nesting in for the night.... Little shark man's snoozing on me.... (He was asleep and then woke up.... Wasn't terribly agitated, but I didn't want to wait for him to get to that point. I'd just taken my glasses off, after dimming the light, and crawled into bed (hoping to get some waaaaaaay overdue snuggle time with the hub). Yeah, literally that lasted 2 seconds....

I think someone messed with the thermostat because I keep it set at 78 and the a/c keeps kicking on and it feels much cooler than 78 in here.... But then again, it was 90 degrees at 830 tonight. What the heck is up with that?! Really?! 90 degrees at 830 at night?! LAME!!!!

So the shark man was a good pretty good boy today! He went back to sleep at 1030 this morning (which is unheard of!!!) And slept until 130. He woke up for about an hour and went right back to sleep (which is when I actually took a nap with him) I haven't been napping with him at all during the day because (well 1. He hasn't even been napping, and 2. That's the ONLY time I feel like I'm able to get stuff done! Why would I waste it sleeping?)

Anyway.... I took care of some medical bill stuff and made a couple of important phone calls that needed to be made.... (This was done during morning nap) Then mom called and asked if T wanted to come over and swim with them.... So she came over and picked her up. (And then I took a nap w the shark) that was a super nice nap (even though I woke up completely soaked on my chest because he was sweating on me).

Jason just raised his arms in his sleep.... Is it weird that I can smell EVERYTHING? And no, that's not meant in a bad way at all! He always smells sooo good! His deoderant smells like men's cologne.... Yeah I'm weird and a little obsessed with smells.... (Not always a good thing) I can smell EVERYTHING from a mile away. He laughs at me for this..... Not funny.

Tonight, we decided to go get T's school supplies (since I haven't left the house at all today). So when Jason got home and showered, we went to Target (but ate some YUMMY thai food right before that.... YUM!) We got about half of the stuff needed off of the list they gave us, and MAN was Target a mess! (But I noticed they've extended their hours by 1 hour.... That's nice)

Tomorrow is my 6 week follow up appointment. It's amazing to me that he's already 6 weeks old! (7 on monday) NUTS! He doesn't even feel like a tiny baby anymore, and I actually felt kinda sad when I realized that the last picture I have with him, are the ones from the hospital! Booooo! Way to go! So today, I made a mental note to make sure we get pictures taken together. No guarantees that'll actually happen, being that I can't remember ANYTHING else in the world.

So back to my follow up appointment.... I'm a bit nervous and I don't even know why.... There's absolutely nooo reason to be, but I just don't like drs.... Especially male ones.... Whatever. My issue, not yours....

Had some major self realizations today.... None that were very exciting but rather depressing and kinda made me feel like a little (okay, BIG) wuss. Dr phil!!! Oprah!!! (Haahhahahah! White chicks, hilarious by the way)

Oh, a little waaaay off topic, but I was wondering.... If you can call the homeowners association for a barking dog (even though that's what a dog does, not so much MINE, but dogs in general).... Can you call the homeowners association for a crying baby (I mean that's what a baby does, but either way it's still disturbing the peace right?) Cuz the barking dog letter was a bunch of you know... While if I got a screaming baby noise letter, I'd understand it a little more.... I think that's kinda funny, but I'm kinda very serious....

Anyway.... You didn't remind me to order my contacts today, so if anything happens to this very last pair I'm wearing, I'm blaming you... Yes, all of you, b/c not one single person reminded me.... And I asked you to. ;)

Hopefully I'll remember tomorrow....

T's birthday is comin up soo fast! Gonna have a big 7 year old second grader! I canNOT believe it!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!! Slow dooowwwwnnnn!!!!

Good night!

getting stuff done....

rockin so far today....

we got a $250 refund coming back from the hospital (which can go straight back to the anesthesiologist)....

got Lewie's bills figured out.

got $162 bloodwork bill taken care of (even though i submitted my insurance cards when the bloodwork was done, they have continued to send me bills).... so i called a BUNCH of different people (which is their way of trying to get you to just pay it and avoid all the phone calls, but hey, that $162 can go towards a WHOLE LOT of starbucks.... TOTALLY kidding.... it can go for formula or our house. every little bit helps, right?) soooo, all they needed was the insurance card resubmitted. DOH! that's pretty simple! and very well worth $162 savings!

hopefully we found something that works for the little man! i laid daddy's shirt out on the bed and put little man on his tummy and he was OUT like a light! yessssss!!!! been sleeping since 1030. i also started a feeding log again.... i need to monitor his feeding better than letting him eat how much whenever he wants (even though he ususally wins anyway)....

i can't wait for jason to come home and it's only 12.... 

MAN i love him! miss him every single second we're apart.... 

got a few more things on this to-do list....

taylor needs some school supplies (we just got the list from her school)....

so it looks like we have a few short and simple errands to run (starbucks being one of them)!

YUM!

off to get more done! =)  deep clean the bathrooms maybe? ehhhhhh..... ;)

Chicken and slice and everything nice....

This morning.

He's screaming again.... Am I completely setting my poor soon to be babysitter up to be doomed? Will he be this way with her alllll day, every single day? Oh, I sure hope not, or she might fire me!! I don't know what to do! He only finds comfort in eating.... Eating until he poops his poor little brains out and then pukes his cottage cheese looking vomit all over me.... That's not right! Something's not right!!!! After holding him in my arms for about the maximum amount my poor eardrums could take, I decided I'd lay him in his bassinet and let him cry it out.... I went into the living room and found myself HIGHLY productive today!!!! I used the anxiety I felt from his increasingly higher pitched screaming, as my fuel.... It was like the louder he would scream, the faster I found myself scrubbing the dishes, the counter, the table.... I was doing laundry. Wash. Dry. Fold. Repeat. Again.... And again.... Our house was lookin' niiice! I'd keep checking on him to see if he'd take his binky (pacifier). Nope! Didn't want it.... So out I'd go again.... I even brought the vacuum upstairs.... I pushed through the tenderness in my stomach because, at this point, I figured I'd rather have a clean house with a tender tummy (and a happy hubby), than a dirty house and a headache (and ringing eardrums)... The payoff was worth it.... At least today it was....

Side note: it's 1030 at night and our house phone is ringing.... I'm sure it's the wrong number (and I'm not running out to the living room to answer it), but I still got that eery feeling in my stomach and it made my forehead sweat (I HATE scary movies.... And if anyone's ever seen "when a stranger calls," then you know just why I got all sweaty.) YUCK! Grrrr! I'm such a wuss!!!!

This afternoon.

Anyway, back to today.... Taylors uncle ralph came by today... He wanted to spend some time with her.... They went to lunch and upon him bringing her back, he brought me a venti starbucks!!!! That being the 2nd thing to enter my system today (the first being a nutrigrain bar at 2 pm), it was like a MAJOR energy boost.... Oh, I left out the part how he began screaming sooo frantically while they were out to lunch, that I wondered if he were in some terrible kind of pain. So I called the dr. Explained everything....(By the way, she said he'll be okay.... Doesn't think we overlooked anything. He gained 3 lbs in 3 weeks when he only needed to gain 1.... Keep on going with our plan from monday, and call her if he gets a fever back) so I gave him his mylicon and tylenol and like that.... He was out! (I was still so scared to move an inch because this is what he's been doing for days! You think he's out until you move, or walk away for 5 minutes.... And then WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!) But I figured I'd give it a shot anyway.... He slept until 715 tonight!!!! 5 hours dude!!!! That was GOLDEN!!!!

Tonight.

We had a great night (minus the part of me nearly severing my middle finger off on my left hand) okay so not really severing, but I'm not even kidding, I thought I was going to pass out. I was slicing up a stick of butter and not using a cutting board (and WAS using a reallllly sharp knife) and cut right into the tip of my finger! I thought I was going to need stitches, but maybe I just don't like cuts on myself! I just ran it under cold water with a papertowel on the tip and squeezed it like crazy with my right hand.... Jason grabbed ice and then wrapped up my finger while singing to me.... "If you're gonna be duuuummmb, you better be tooouuugh!!" He was laughing, I was laughing (and giving him the stink eye secretly!). So we had a yummy dinner. Baked chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes, and dinner rolls.... Yum! (Oh AND I got T to eat her green beans tonight, thank you very much! It only took 3 dinner rolls to make it happen. Ha!)

After dinner, T and I were telling jokes while Jason was feeding the shark.... Oh man. Maybe I was just delirious (is that even how you spell it??)at this point, but T and I were cracking up!!!!

Tiki: "knock knock"
Me: "who's there?"
Tiki: "nobody."
Me: "nobody who?" (As I'm looking at her)....
She sits there.... Silent.... Staring back at me, half cracking a smile, looking like she's ready to burst out into laughter!!! It took me a second, and then I just started laughing!!!!! She said "NOBODY'S THERE MOM, DUUUUHHH!" Ahahahahahaha!!!!

I won't repeat the joke I said, because it wasn't very funny, but we were all crackin up then....

Then daddy chimes in.... "What's black and white and red all over?"
Tiki: "ohhhh, I know this one, but I forgot...."
I'm just sitting there thinking "a bloody zebra?" But I didn't say a word....
Daddy: "the newspaper duh! Its black and white and read all over."

T: "what has 8 legs, 3 heads, and 4 arms?"
Me: "an alien? I have no idea."
T: "you and dad on a horse!"
Hahahaha!!!

T; "how do you make time fly?"
Me: "give it wings?"
T: "throw a clock out the window!".
we start laughing again....
She said, "I read that one in a joke book awhile back.".

Sometimes, it's like talking to a friend.... She's so funny.

T: "what kind of soda talks?"
Me: "I have absolutely noooo idea."
T: says "Talk-ter pepper."

I laughed and asked her, where'd you hear thaaat lame one? She said "I made it up!" (She drank a little bit of dr pepper with her dinner and looked at the can while we were telling jokes.) She's pretty good.... We had a good laugh....

It made for a good night....
Poor daddy was so sleepy (normal).... T complained about getting ready for bed (and she even tried to take the clothes out of the dryer and fold them just to kill time.... WOW!) And of course comes out to complain about her stomach hurting (this is also normal when she doesn't want to sleep)....

Packed Jason's snacks and vitamins for tomorrow. Took the dog out again. And am now right here. Right now.... With a super wrapped up middle finger, and my 2 snoozing boys.... Again.... I wish we had a king size bed.... Then T could come in and we could just have a big slumber party. Ha! Okay so, really.... Our queen bed's just fine with me and I really can't wait til our little man is old enough to sleep in another room.... Which leads me into my thoughts about a house....a 3 bedroom house.... Ohhh the dream.... It will be nice when we have that one day.... Keep on dreaming until they become a reality!!!! That's what I'm doin!!!!

I am going to take my eyes (I mean contacts) out now.... Remind me to order some more contacts tomorrow, would ya?

Good night....

kiss me to the moon....

it's been so long since I've been able to silently stare into your beautiful eyes.... With nothing to worry about, but if we locked the front door....

It's been so long since I felt your arms wrap me tight, pulling me close enough to you for me to feel your heart beating against mine....

Tonight.... Tonight, you stopped for a moment, yet another moment I store in the back of my mind.... Tonight you pulled me close.... And I felt your heart beating. I could smell the soft of your breath.... I could feel the warmth of your skin. You sent chills over me with your kiss. It's been many days weeks since I've felt that passion. Your kisses send me to the moon.... And yet, I bet, you don't even know I'm gone....

Thank you for those few short moments you kissed me tonight. My heart still skips a beat for you, my love....