dead on the scene.

i could stoop to a level,

so low.

i could stoop to your level,

with low blows.

i could spill all the secrets,

that I know.

but there are some places, right now,

i won't go.

i could talk mess about you,

for days though.

'cause there is so much to say,

that they DON'T know....

because if turning against you

was my M.O.

then i'd have fought back,

a long time

ago.

i would have loaded up on all of

the ammo.

and i would have stopped trying,

to help you,

fly solo.

i would have fired back in your face,

the first time you effed up,

i wouldn't have reached out my hand,

to pull you back up.

i wouldn't have picked you up off the floor

and carried you to your room,

i would have left you right there,

where everyone presumed you.....

dead on the scene....

if i were that mean.

can i get some sugar?

first night jason and i met up for a "date night" to the grocery store, yes, grocery store.... I was a single mom, remember? and USUALLY people don't want to meet up on a monday night for a "date," and well since i had the hots for him years before, and we were super anxious to see each other, when he asked if he could come see us, i didn't hesitate.

told him i had to go grocery shopping and was cooking dinner with T, but he was welcome to join if he wanted to....

so over he drives....

parks.

gets out of the truck and walks up.

"can i get some sugar?" he asks.

(mind you, this is the first time i'd seen him in 3 whole days, and when i'd seen him 3 days before, it was such small talk, and lots of nervousness (at least for me)....)

good thing i didn't hold that against him.... we wouldn't be married today if i did. ;)

he's adorable.

he said, "i had it all played out in my head about how our first kiss would be, and that's what came out."

good thing i don't kiss on the first date, SO that wasn't the story of our first kiss....

but i still love it anyway.... ;)

ANYWAY....

on to the real reason of this post....

Mr. DL Hammons over at "Cruising Altitude" has given me this wonderful award!!!! I think it might be one of my favorites!!! (and i don't even like pink!) ;) "The Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award." woo hoo!

I'd like to think i'm all sweet and stuff....

buuuuuuut i'm pretty sure the family will tell you otherwise. ;)

If you don't already follow him, go check him out! He's got a great blog! He's linking up with bloggers in every state and has quite a few so far, if you are from one that he HASN'T linked up with, you should link up with him! =)

There are no rules attached to this award and i'm thankful for that!

Thank you Mr. DL Hammons!!!!

Hope you all have a super sweet weekend!!!! ;)

just in case Jason asks.....

1/2 carat, white gold, round diamonds, please.

.... IF he wants to go bigger, i'll take those too! =)

my birthday IS just around the corner, you know.....

they made it!

yesterday.

my little brothers-in-law or brother-in-laws (twins) graduated from high school.

yes, high school,

and no i'm not 20. haha.

there is an 11 year age difference between jason and his little brothers....

yes they were planned, and no there was no IVF involved.

nuts, right?

anyway.....

yesterday.

yesterday they both graduated high school.

2 different schools.

2 different graduations.

one in the morning.

one in the afternoon.

i'll give a quick rundown.

from my father's day post, you probably noticed that i said Steve (Father-in-law) has been raising the kids for many years.... Marion (my mother in law) passed away in 2001. Jason was 20, but the twins were just 9 years old when she passed.

Jason stepped up big time and helped take care of them too.

(FIL getting the boys ready for their prom)

so when yesterday came, of course i felt emotional.

i was SO proud of them for graduating....

for making it all the way through....

i feel more motherly than sisterly....

with extended family (heck, even with your own blood family) you try to find your role with them.

although i am their sister in law, i feel more motherly towards them....

of course i want what's best for them!

absolutely hands down, i want what's best for them now and what will be best for them in the long run.

but who am i to come into their lives after years of it being a certain way, and try to change it?

anyway, one of the high schools was in san juan capistrano (a bit south of us).

i'm not racist or prejudice by any means, so please do not feel offended when i say that the graduating class was dominated by hispanics. Many of the families only spoke spanish....

i was filllled with emotions, and literally wore my sunglasses the entire time, even though it was overcast and i could have done without them.

How proud they must be to have their children graduating high school!

There were air horns, presents and balloons everywhere....

(side note: Lewie HATES air horns.... and when one goes off, he is bound and determined to let everyone hear him OVER the air horn, so beware. you WILL become an enemy to Lewie (and myself) if you blow an air horn close enough for him to hear)

As we were leaving the graduation, there was an older man, (who i had seen sitting in the back at the graduation earlier), walking ahead of us.... he walked up to his truck.

it was a pickup truck....

filled with all the tools needed to care for lawns.

a lawnmower.

edger.

rakes.

brooms.

shovels.

and on and on and on.....

he'd walked around his truck, checking to ensure everything was there.

IMMEDIATELY, i looked over at jason and made a sad face.

he started laughing.

he KNEW,

he just KNEW i was crying....

he said, "awww momma...."

i SERIOUSLY started crying....

here this guy was....

taking time out of his day,

(time is money, you know?)

to come to his son or daughter's high school graduation.....

only to come BACK to his truck to ensure nothing was stolen from his truck while he watched the ceremony,

to then go back to work,

mowing lawns.

Ahhhhhhhhh! (yes, ah, not aw. Ah, to fight the tears!)

Jason's logical, sense-talking side then chimes in, "he's probably stoked his kid graduated! probably hopes for such good things for them, you know? everyone's looking for happiness in this world mama. everyone wants the same one thing for their kids.... happiness."

and he's still laughing at me, because i'm totally crying over this guy who probably doesn't even want to be cried over....

i have SUCH a high respect for people who work their butts off.... the ones who wake up super early every single morning, work their tails off allllll day, every single day, come home late at night, only to wake up early and do the same thing again. ALL without complaining.... and for what? because they want to provide for their family. they want to provide for their family, and they want a better life than they've ever had before....

every time i drive up the 133 (it's a beautiful road that leads to the ocean by our house), i pass this dirt section with an old wooden gate.... there are usually TONS of laborers standing around, under trees, waiting for work....

and EVERY single time i pass there, i wish i was rich.... i wish that i could just go and hand all of them hundreds of dollars and send them on their way.... because they're all there, waiting for us to use them to do ANY kind of work we have (usually hard, crappy work).... they all just wait around.... and what happens if no one needs them for the day? what happens then? do they go home to their families empty-handed? do they have food to eat that night? or was this day's work and pay needed to feed them?

and then you have folks, who complain about their job.... ugh.

back to the boys graduating....

i KNOW how proud Steve (FIL) was to see them graduate....

i know how proud Jason was too.

heck, i know how proud IIII was, and they aren't even mine!

the bittersweet kicks in when i know how happy Marion (MIL)would have been too.

to see her boys walk in their caps and gowns.... to throw their hats up in the air with the rest of the graduating class....

to be done with high school and move on to bigger things....

and we sat in the grass, back in the corner, with the sun beating down on us,

watching the boys talk about all the things that are to come....

and i couldn't help but to think that maybe she was behind just a glimmer of that sunshine yesterday....

smiling down on her boys, for making it through.....

(Shane & Steven-yes twins!)

Congrats boys!!!

mr. crossword.

it's been a long while since i have written about the medical days....

and i guess because so many other things have come up in my life,

like school,

and a whole bunch of other stuff that i'm trying to keep under control and not go nuts like i normally do....

getting all wrapped up in EVERYTHING and forgetting about what i need to do at the moment....

which is school.

quick update:

-we've passed the halfway point for this history class. after 4 discussion board posts and 2 exams (1 midterm), i am currently at a 93.75%.... rockin' an A for a class i knew absolutely NOTHING about. i'm excited. i hope this good stuff continues.

-i cancelled my eye surgery last week. i was supposed to have it done this friday (the 25th).... there were a few small errors that they had made, which was not very comforting considering all i have left is very poor vision.... i can't go WITHOUT that.... i don't want to go without that.... so i stirred around in a bit of discomfort and uneasiness, and thought, "i'll just do it. this surgeon is really good," until his office called to "confirm" my surgery. they had me down for the wrong surgery on the wrong date. i told them, "no, that's not right. i changed the date, and the dr changed the procedure." so the guy rescheduled it for the RIGHT surgery and the RIGHT date, and then i called him back about 2 minutes later and cancelled. i figured it might be a sign that i'm just not supposed to get my eyes done right now.... alll the little errors they had made and then the biggest one of all.... i was done, for now. i'll look into other doctors after school is done. i don't have the time or energy to do all of that again. i was REALLY disappointed at first, but i'm okay with it at the moment.

now back to my medical days stuff....

i have been thinking about this one patient that i had who was diagnosed with AIDS. most of the time, i had only had patients with cancer, and this was the very first time i had a patient with aids.... i didn't know how to be. i felt all choked up and like i was seeing a cancer patient for the first time... what do you say? do you say you're sorry? will that offend them? how do you act? i felt pretty knowledgeable about the disease, but still felt like i didn't know enough. i feel like i blanked and started questioning the proper practices and such.

and then it hit me.... (like things normally do)....

i walked into his room, and he sat at the edge of his bed.

he was so skinny.

i had a big smile and introduced myself to him.

i honestly got that same feeling that i alllllways do with my patients.

i just wanted to hug him.

i just wanted to throw my arms around him and say, "it's gonna be all right!!!"

but i'm pretty certain he would have just thought i was crazy.

so i smiled.

he smiled.

we small talked a bit.

he asked to borrow a pen.

and i let him.

it was amazing to me, the things that the other nurses had said.

"don't take the pen back. just let him keep it."

"only go in there when you have to."

blah blah blah....

i felt like i wanted to go in there extra.

i felt like i wanted to keep popping in there to check on him.

give him extra company, because no one else was there.

and no one else was going in to check on him.

was it because i wanted to watch the nurses squirm?

maybe.

but even more so, it was because he was MY patient...

he was MY patient and he was going to be taken care of to my best ability on MY shift....

you know, when you work with lousy people, it just pushes you that much harder to do a better job.

i never understand why people are in jobs that they hate....

if you don't like what you do, then don't do it.

but i'll let you know,

that when you work in a HOSPITAL, it's because people need you!!!!

people are at an extremely vulnerable time,

and they. need. you.

yes you.

they need their family.

they need the staff.

they need compassion.

and human contact.

that young man needed someone to talk to about his crossword puzzle.

he needed a pen to do his crossword puzzle,

because no one came to visit him.

no one was there to BRING him a pen,

for his crossword puzzle.

he was sick.

he wasn't contagious....

i am glad i was there that day.

i feel so blessed that i was his person for those days....

Happy Father's Day, a little late.

i am fortunate to have a few good men in my life.

most of all, i am thankful for the wonderful memories created with them.

the memories are all very different with each of them....

First of all, to my Daddy-o (is what i called him a lot when he was alive)....

there are many wonderful memories we had together.

and those are the ones i'll hold onto.

your sense of humor and your belly-shakin laugh are probably the 2 that stand out the most....

sitting and laughing with you was something that would NEVER grow old to me....

i've chosen a man with a wonderful sense of humor and often, he reminds me of you....

you were strict.

you were far.

you were difficult,

but you were funny.

i remember you teaching me how to play the harmonica, and choking on my gum while playing "oh susanna."

i remember going to putt putt golf and probably spending $500 so we could win tickets on "wheel em in," so we could get that talking parrot.... only so you could have the bird repeat over and over again, "ashley farted. ashley farted." thanks dad!

you never went to bed without kissing us good night (when we would visit you),

and you never let me start my day without a hug and a kiss good morning.... NEVER! even into my adult years, you ALWAYS asked for a hug and kiss at night and in the morning....

and you'd wake us up, 5 hours before we had to leave to go anywhere, playing that stupid marine's song that they would play over the loud speaker to wake you up in bootcamp (not even going to attempt to spell it because i'm certain i'll butcher it).... you'd play that song with your mouth, as if you were playing a trumpet.... and i STILL, to this day, HATE that song whenever i hear it and i just imagine the sound of the bedroom door opening, KNOWING you were coming in to wake us up.... and i'd act like i was sleeping as long as i could, to prevent myself from chucking my pillows at your head....

speaking of your head, one of my very last memories i have were helping shave your head when i saw you last.... you finally gave in, and had us shave your head because you could no longer do it yourself.... i remember touching your soft head at your funeral, just waiting for your eyes to open and for your chest to rise again....

you didn't....

it didn't.

and i still miss you....

to my father-in-law.... Mr. Steve King.

a go-getter, take-care-of-business man,

he made my husband.....

now i don't know whether to love you or hate you for that....

so i think i'll go with love you for it. ;)

for raising 4 children on your own for so many years,

and never giving up on them....

you've shown the kids what a hardworker is and you've always given them your best.

i'm appreciative of that....

to the man whose respect i earned after having a talk with him about marriage and how i just didn't have an answer that he'd be happy with....

for all the cards he's been dealt in his life, and for still managing to push along forward....

he's got a good heart.

Happy father's dad, Steve/Grandpa!

to my Poppa....

to the man who came into my life when i was just 9 years old.... almost 20 years ago....

to the man who stayed after i stuffed bloomers with a pair of socks and acted a fool that young....

he came back....

for my mom....

he came back....

for us....

(maybe he knew that if he didn't come back, we didn't stand a chance) ;)

for whatever reason, he came back.

and my life,

our lives,

were NEVER the same....

he has ALWAYS stayed true to himself, his beliefs and his feelings....

he is a strong, STRONG man, who was dealth many blows in his life....

and continued to pick himself up....

he's loved my mom,

for so many years,

through thick and thin.

through good and bad (now it's just good)....

he's supported me during times i didn't feel like i even deserved to be supported,

he supported and loved me then.

he's loved us always.

he hasn't only been a wonderful father,

he's been an amazing grandfather too....

he's been an amazing role model,

showing a man with a great deal of patience,

acceptance,

and a WONDERFUL sense of humor.

(he thinks he's really funny, but he's really not)

i'm totally kidding.

he is a man that EVERY single person loves once they've met him

(and i'll even bet, he's won a few hearts in this blogging world, and ya'll don't even know him in real life)

he's a big huge teddy bear (don't be offended poppa... big huge as in cuddly and lovey, not fat) ;)

i love him dearly.

i give thanks for him daily.

Happy Father's day to one of the most amazing men i am lucky enough to know, to have and to love!

I love you poppa.

.... and last, but certainly not least,

my dear Jason.

the world throws so much our way,

and we have learned to laugh together....

we've learned how important our relationship is,

and continue to learn how to nurture it....

together....

i crawl into bed every single night, next to you....

how did i EVER become so lucky?

you are one of the most stubborn souls i've known,

but i love you anyway....

your heart,

your everlasting patience....

i don't know how you do it....

you work hard every, single day,

so that we'll never go without....

(or because if you stayed home with us, we'd drive you absolute bonkers!!!)

you were a daddy from the start!

you've given our life a much deeper meaning (T's and mine)....

you've given her routines of nightly hugs and kisses and kisses goodbye every single day....

(it warms my dysfunctional little heart and reminds me of my dad) ;)

you've given me a little mini daddy,

(you guys even have matching butts!!!)

you've taught me more in these few short years, than i've ever learned from another....

and the best part of all, is we're partners....

i'll never forget the moment you said, "i don't like to share.... i don't want to share you." and you pulled me close.....

i didn't expect the pitter patters in my heart to last this long, but they're still there....

i do still melt when you hold me.

i do get all teary eyed when we talk.

i think about the day we said our vows,

my pregnancy,

our babies....

i love watching you enjoy the kids more and more....

you truly are such a wonderful blessing that i'm EXTREMELY grateful for....

today and every. single. day.

i love you.... quite possibly more than you'll ever know....

Happy father's day to the men who have filled my life with lots of good times, laughs and sooo much love! =)

situation part 2.

let me clarify a few things here.

my writing, is from MY OPINION only....

i don't EVER expect ANYONE to take my advice for anything,

unless i tell you to go out and try to save the world or something,

because, well, the world needs many more good people doing good things in it....

feed a homeless or something.

buy a kid a toy.

go on a mission trip to africa to help them get clean water and proper medical treatment....

anyway, my point is this....

just because IIIII feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean anyone else has to feel a certain way....

and i'll clarify this about my sister, because she has a business that is actually a very great idea.

she is great at it.

she makes bows, and she makes them well.

she makes sandals and headbands and tutus and they are all adorable....

MY issues have to do with her and that is what affects our relationship and what doesn't allow us to be as close as i once believed we were.....

never would i try to steer anyone away from her products, because on more than one occasion, i found myself attempting to try to "help" her....

or share my ideas as to what i would do if the business were mine....

it's not mine.

she's not mine....

the issues that i have and HAVE had are mine....

mine to deal with....

and i am....

i don't want to harbor the feelings that i have.

i don't want to BASH her on here.

that's not what my intentions are.

i'll have you know,

the experiences in my 26 years with her HAVE definitely impacted my feelings.

they have DEFINITELY impacted my views,

my trust,

my everything....

but like i said in "my place in line,"

you grow and begin to learn where your place is in this world....

my place isn't to be this amazing person to my sister who i felt obligated to be good to....

it was, first and foremost, to be a good wife and partner to my husband.

to be a good mother to my children....

IF the other roles happened to fall into place,

IF we could maintain a friendship as well as a sisterly relationship,

then great....

some people just aren't mean to carry out that many roles....

to maintain a friendship with some people, stretches you far out of your boundaries and limits as a person.

to carry on a relationship with her was something i tried VERY hard to do....

and exhausted myself in trying to do so.

i can share with you guys the "bottom lines" that were crossed WAY more than once....

but for what?

my point isn't to MAKE anyone feel a certain way, it's to share my journey, my feelings,

my experiences....

it's to share some eye-opening experiences with you, because perhaps you've shared them too.

is it my FAULT that people who know both of us happen to read this blog?

no.

you aren't forced to be here....

no one TOLD you to come here....

no one told you to go tell her to come see what i wrote about her....

in fact, if you don't like it, feel free to leave at any time... it won't bother me one bit.

this blog wasn't written "to gain followers."

it was written for me to speak.

and speak freely....

if you want to follow along because you enjoy it, then feel free to do so.

if you do not, then please excuse yourself at any time....

i will not be offended one bit.

if you feel like it draws up too many emotions for you, i'm sorry.

the door is still open.

please feel free to go.

she follows this blog.

she could have been reading these entries all along.

could i really open up and turn this into a bashing session?

abso-freakin-lutely.

will i?

no.

not now i won't....

that's not, nor has it been, my intention.

it's a shame how immature some people can be, however it is not my problem to deal with other's immaturity.

the jealousy part existed as a child....

i was "jealous" of my sister because everyone i liked, liked her....

the jealousy existed during much different times in our lives....

and the jealousy faded, (long ago)

as did everything else....

the trust, probably more than anything....

what i do find that bothers me, is dishonesty.....

dishonesty is probably one of the most absolute worst and sickening traits someone can carry with them....

i am usually that person who wants to puke out the truth, even if it isn't my place, because i feel like the people shouldn't get away with lies....

and i've done this....

i've puked up the truth, when i probably should have or could have bit my tongue....

somehow, now, i am the bad guy....

that's okay....

i'll live with being the bad guy

if that means i can sleep, with an honest heart, an honest relationship, an honest husband, an honest love....

i'll live with being the bad guy,

as long as that means,

i can live with myself....

it could be worse....

sometimes i run around like a crazy, wild chicken....

with its head chopped off....

which i never really understood.

because you can't run around headless for too long....

and well, when i'm wild and crazy, it usually lasts for a long time....

so when i think that MY life is hard....

being a mom of 2 children (who are like night and day).....

or working until 10 at night, leaving right when my husband comes home

(so we don't get to see each other on those days, like not at all),

or being a student,

taking a class i know NOTHING about, and taking it in half the time as a normal person would....

being the wife to a stubborn (but studly) man,

and being the one to try to keep the happiness up in this house,

waaaaahhhhh!!! i throw a pity party sometimes....

but it's usually super short lived, and then i realize....

it could be SO much worse. (because i REALLY don't have it bad at all)

so today, TODAY as i was driving, i was thinking about the things i am thankful that i am NOT....

i am NOT:

-a toilet. could you imagine being a toilet? seriously. what a horrible job. people only go to the bathroom, or puke in you and likely rarely clean you, talk to you, kiss you.... ugh! i am SO glad i'm not a toilet!!!!

-a jogging suit.... all snug fitting up in people's sweaty creases!! i saw this lady this morning walking fast, and it pretty much looked like she ran through a sprinkler. she was drenched, but refused to take off her jacket. i am assuming she WANTED to sweat, however, did she think about her jogging suit's feelings?? or perhaps her jogging suit's senses, like touch and SMELL???!! barf!!!

-a tire. imagine spinning around and around and around on hot ground.... 50 bazillion spins getting stuck with rocks and nails and gum?? and if you have a really insecure owner, they dress you up in shiny stuff called 'spinners'?? can you imagine how awful that would be?? and then if they think you're flat, they start dunking you under water to see where the hole is? *dunk*dunk*dunk* i don't like when people dunk me under water, and i get motion sickness, so the constant revolutions would, for sure, make me puke.... could you imagine driving down the freeway, next to puking tires??

-a slide. i'm glad i'm not a slide.... i used to have patience for kids.... before i had my own.... now imagine being STUCK in a park, in the sand, not able to move.... and have kids just climbing up your back and sliding down your front... and then the super bratty ones that try to climb UP the SLIDE instead of going down it like they are supposed to.... as a slide, you'd sit in the beating sun.... and have to listen to people's bratty kids screaming CONSTANTLY.... and then, at night, you'd just stand there, awkwardly, as people made out.... and you couldn't even whistle to break the silence and like, let them know *ahem* you are standing RIGHT HERE!!!!! you'd just have to stand there... quiet.... like a stalker.... AWKWARD!!!!!

- a duster.... i HATE dusting, and it would make me sneeze... imagine someone rubbing your face into dust, stopping for about a half of a second as they walked over to the next piece of furniture and then SMASHING your face into some more dust.... poor dusty!!!!

- a remote control. because people just push your buttons.... ALL day.... and night.... and that's pretty much it....

-a computer. people have all these expectations that you're like superman or superwoman.... and if you're tired, and pause for a moment, because they WOKE YOU UP out of a dead sleep, they start beating on you.... or if you aren't moving fast enough, they start clicking and pounding on the keys, or they start making phone calls to your company or they call the "geek squad." and they think YOU'RE the geek!!!

-thong underwear. (see jogging suit, above).

soooo, what are YOU? or better yet, what are you NOT?

it could ALWAYS be worse....

the situation.

no, not the one from Jersey Shore.

not that situation....

this situation is mine..... (my label: situation)

go ahead....

click on the label....

every single post,

is about the same person....

i originally called it the situation, because all the times that i could remember, were different situations....

disappointment after disappointment....

being put on the spot....

feeling responsible for an older one....

situations,

all with the same person....

my sister.

my older sister.

i grew up the middle child.

i looked like a boy.

and she....

well she looked like a princess.

and a princess she was.

she was a pageant queen.

she won our city's title and went on to compete for the state title.

she even placed for our state's title.

any boy i liked,

well he liked her, of course.

i didn't stand a chance....

i wore glasses.

i had teeth growing out of the front of my gums (while the other teeth were still in place).

the beauty i carried,

it couldn't compare....

except on the inside....

i had a heart of gold....

but my heart of gold was covered by so many other things....

and that was when i learned to find the things that i enjoyed doing....

like rollerblading.

like playing instruments....

making music.

writing music.

music consumed my whole life....

i somehow got lost in music.....

and for a long while,

that is what i did.

sure, i looked to her with great envy.

i wanted people to like me....

but more than that,

i wanted them to KNOW me and like me....

not like me for what was on the outside (and trust me, with my looks, NO ONE liked me for the outside!!) ;)

so i just began continuing my journey of me....

just focusing on things that i really enjoyed....

i still held her very high on a pedestal...

i did.

i thought she was beautiful.

people didnt like her,

and when they didn't like her,

i didn't like them....

hell, in the 9th grade, i was threatening girls much older than myself....

i was going to make sure no one made fun of her the way i was made fun of when i was younger....

time passed....

and there were so many vivid memories that i have....

so many things that remain so clear in my mind.

things you just can't forget....

no matter how hard you try....

i could go on and on and on....

but i guess the moral of the story is, that if you would let no one else in the world treat you one way,

don't allow them to treat you that way because they are family.

i am certain i'll get a crowd full of negative feedback, and that is okay,

i stand firm for what i believe in....

and this,

this, my dear friends, just happens to be one of them....

what i feel is what you get.

and you ain't seen a dang thing yet!

put DAT in your book.

seriously!

dang it.

don't come to me with STUFF, if you really don't want to know my honest opinion.

cuz that's honestly all i've got.... honesty....

i really think i'm going to start sharing some stories here soon....

maybe then people will get the idea.... =)

what i feel, is what you get....

there is really no filter here....

sorry to disappoint ya'll folks! =)

As"King" Ashley #3.... i think?

I hadn't planned on blogging much, but i HAD to blog about this one, because i had a mouthful to say, and i couldn't push it to the back of my head no matter how hard i wanted to, or how hard i tried....

so here goes....

Dear Ashley,

I have been married for a little over a year now and i think my wife is cheating on me.... i REALLLLLY want to spy on her so that i have the evidence i need to show her that i know she's been cheating on me.... should i spy or shouldn't i?

sincerely,

desperate for answers

Dear Snoopy,

I think you are desperate for far more than answers. you need help.... because 1 of 2 things is going on here.... either 1. your wife is really cheating on you, which is why you have the gut feeling she is, and if that is the case you shouldn't be with her anyway.... or 2. you are SUPER insecure, which if this is the case, you really shouldn't be with her anyway, because YOU, my friend, need some serious help, and this has everything in the world to do with YOU and YOUR insecurities and NOT with her.... you said you wanted to snoop so that you would have the evidence to show her that you know she's cheating on you.... well, i hate to break it to you, but chances are since she is the one doing the cheating, it's quite a heavy possibility that she already KNOWS she's cheating on you.... and, in fact, she would need no evidence at all, for i'm pretty darn certain, her memory provides her with enough. do BOTH of you guys the favor, and set her free.... set yourself free....

.... and then seek professional help....

cheaters suck. it's true,

but insecure people suck just as bad....

sincerely,

ashy elbows

i'm not dead.

there was this one time, when everyone thought i was dead.....

I may have even thought i was dead too....

i don't remember....

buuuuuuut, i am still very much alive.

history (class) has consumed my life for the moment....

but i'll be back in the next 5 weeks or so. =)

i hope you will all still be here when i return....

heck, i hope i'll be here when i return....

on an entirely different note, i've been walking every single morning and have been feeling great.

i picked up a side job (wait, did i already tell you guys this?)

i go to starbucks EVERY single day.... yes, 7 days a week.

they needed help at night.

so i accepted.

i am there every single day anyway, why not get free starbucks, AND get paid for it, and after all, that is what i said i would do if money didn't matter.

and it really DOESN'T matter, BUT my sanity does....

on the 25th of June (less than 2 weeks), i will be getting my lasik eye surgery done.

i hope to be eyeglasses and contact lense free from there on out.

don't forget, my vision is currently a handicap.

imagine, going on a skyrise lift thingy at the fair.... and this is what you see....

cuz that's pretty much what my vision is like without glasses or contacts....

or imagine, being ALL up in someone's grill, and this is STILL how you see them, even though they think you're trying to make out with them or something....

but you're totally not....

and it's awkward.... and you say something like, "i was just seeing who you were...."

and they're all, "yeah right, you totally just tried to make out with me...."

and you're like, "why would i make out with you? i couldn't even tell if you were a girl or a boy!"

and then they get all offended thinking that you just called them a transgender or something....

and it just makes for a really awkward situation....

i am legally blind, so to wake up without contacts or glasses will be PHENOMENAL!

i cannot wait.....

jason says he's a little worried! i said "i know, me too!"

and he said, "no, i'm scared that you'll see what i really look like and you won't wanna be with me anymore...."

i'm pretty sure he's still the most handsome man ever, with or without contacts or glasses.... love him!

HOWEVER, if i make it back to my blog (or yours), and for some reason you can't read my posts (or comments) because they look like this:

asdhlkeydhdkgdaoidfhnendkdguh dkahfei dfeh

dasodfi

lskadfjoiweurnd

you can assume the surgery didn't work,

and that i can't line my hands up correctly on the keyboard anymore....

hopefully that doesn't happen, and hopefully i come back happy as a clam with perfect vision!

SEE ya'll soon!!!! ;)

By The Numbers.... award.

He is wonderful, TS Hendrik that is....

I appreciate him mentioning me in his blog and for thinking highly enough of me to even mention little ol' ME in his crazy amazing blog.

if you don't know him, you should.

he's BRILLIANT!!!!

if you read his blog, then you get this award.... i don't need to say much else, except that i think he thinks i'm partially awesome. =)

thank you sir!

observations while driving (and not)....

i'm sure i'm not the only one who totally people watches while driving....

tonight, while driving over to my mom and pat's, i observed some things....

and they are the following:

- people really don't like using their blinkers, and when they do, they are already changing lanes, so, um, you already kind of know that they planned on getting into your lane.... you know, since they are already HALF WAY OVER!!!!

- this new law passed here in california that you can't talk on your cell phone... you know, the whole "hands free" thing?? well apparently people don't get the concept that hands free, means that your hands are free from holding a cell phone.... as i saw countless people holding their phones in front of their faces, as if to have the people on speakerphone.... i wonder if they realize that this is still not hands free....

- picking your nose and driving must go hand in hand.... do people know that driving does not make you invisible? just because you are in your car by yourself does not mean that people cannot see you when you are at a red light, clearly scratching your brain via your nose....

- men are perverts.... at a red light, i could see the guy's left hand. it had a gold band around his ring finger.... yet, when the girl started running across the street, his head turned and his eyes followed her as she crossed.... apparently this led him to miss seeing that the light turned green.... green means go.... the car behind him honked.... which then led me to wonder what he was thinking at that moment....

maybe he was thinking,

"i wonder what's on her ipod?"

or

"why is her hair down and not in a ponytail? isn't she hot? maybe she lost her hair-tie."

or maybe,

"did she look at herself before she left the house?"

but i bet it was something more like,

"my wife is waaaay hotter than she is....."

or

"hubba hubba!"

which leads me back to my original statement.....

men are perverts.

- there are a lot of people who are hard of hearing.... because their music was loud enough for me to dance to with my windows rolled up.... which MUST mean only one thing.... they are hard of hearing....

- men who drive corvettes are normally complete idiots! either that or they are right smack dab in the middle of their mid-life crisis or three-quarter life crisis.... anyone who deems it necessary to give a thumbs-up to a fellow corvette driver is not worthy of dating.... take my word for it.... (i'll expand on this one later)

- i don't check my gas tank as often as i should.... i need to get gas.... and lewie needs diapers.... he has like 2 left. i'm not sure he's ever been so low. how did i not realize that sooner? and why was i driving when i realized this?

on an entirely different note.... GO LAKERS!!!!!!!!!

glammy plo-nounces it like diss.

Glammy: really pronounced "Grammy," but depends on who's doing the pronouncing.

if it's her (see below), it's "Glammy".... to everyone else, it's our Japanese Grammy.

Who needs a mug?

When you can just drink straight from the pitcher!!!
(okay so she totally doesn't even drink, but was a super good sport in posing for these pictures. we make her do some crazy stuff!!)

grammy says, "oh how pur-tee. look at the little gull golirra!"

what that translates to?....

"oh how pretty! look at the little girl gorilla!!!"

__________________________________________________________

"you know, holizon keep calling me."

what she meant to say was.... "you know, verizon keeps calling me."

and she was asked, "how do you know it's verizon?"

to which she answered, "because when i open my hone, it say holizon on da bottom."

she THOUGHT it was verizon that was calling her continuously....

what she DIDN'T know, was that her screensaver on her phone just says "VERIZON" as a default....

__________________________________________________________

the other day we were going to starbucks.

when asked if she wanted anything to drink, she hesitates while thinking and says, "i have uh.... uh cocoa flappy."

my mom and i start CRACKING up....

"a cocoa flappy?" i asked.

"yeah, you know, i try dat kind dat what's her face get before, you know? a cocoa.... flappy. da cold one."

"a mocha frappuccino?"

no words exchanged....

pure laughter takes over when she realizes it's called a mocha frappuccino....

update on LOST test.

for those of you wondering....

professor allowed me to retake the entire test, which i was thankful for. unfortunately, i couldn't just sit down and pick up where the test left off, but that is A-okay with me.... there were a few questions I had read wrong the first time.... so having gone back to redo them for a second time gave me the opportunity to "whoa! totally read that one wrong yesterday!" the questions and fix my answer....

for those of you who were also wondering....

i got 92/100.... the average was 60/100.... the lowest score was 26.... there were only 3 A's, and i am happy to say that i was one of them! =)

for those of you who know Pat (aka Poppa).... he helped me a ton... sat there with me both days, and let me convince him why my answers were right.... i learn a lot better talking things through.... he is the greatest and most patient man ever!!! (well i gotta say jason's right up there.... but he gets grumpy when he's impatient).... poppa helped me like a champ and i am EXTREMELY grateful for him!! =)

for those of you who totally didn't care about this post.... i'm sorry.... i strongly dislike history and feared this test would be the end of it for me....

so far, so good.... =)

Happy Monday!!!

LOST.

NO! not the tv show.

MY TEST!!!!

i was sitting at my parent's house today, (to get away from the screaming child at home with jason)....

Pat was my witness!!! as well as anyone within a 3 mile radius....

i was on question 72.

there were 100 questions.

i was about 2 hours and 30 minutes into the test....

and POOF!

the test was gone....

you cannot log back in.

you cannot go back to where you left off.

you cannot go back....

i was done.

the test,

was done.

my attempt at getting a good grade,

my past 2 weeks of studying....

every.

single.

day.

were gone.

the high hopes that i held that i would likely finish this with a good grade,

came crumbling down....

into my lap....

felt like i swallowed my heart.

=(

what a baby i am.

because i sat here as my eyes welled up with tears.

i felt like lewie.

i wanted to scream....

it wasn't just the past few hours of sitting in the same warm spot.

it was the past few weeks of non stop studying....

the crazy hectic drive

and unwillingness to give up, even though i felt like i was slowly slumping into a hole.

i was FINALLY beginning to understand this.

i felt MOTIVATED,

and like i was actually exercising my brain!

i know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it just felt like my entire world crumbled in those few moments.

I already emailed my professor, but it clearly states in the syllabus that anything "non blackboard related" (blackboard, being the online classroom that we use), is not his fault.

i emailed him anyway....

he's got to be able to see how far into the test i was.

he's got to see that i JUST got booted!!

he's got to see that i was on a roll!!!!

even if i get credit for what i did get completed, it still won't be good enough.... a low C IF i get everything right....

pardon me while i go cry some more....

award.

our house is noisy.

like even when taylor and jason aren't here, it's still noisy....

and so is my brain.

so i wear headphones when i sit on the floor and study.

doesn't sound very comfortable does it?

but this set up is what works for me.... for now....

so here i am, with some loud "chuggington" cartoon on,

and earphones in....

blaring Ingrid Michaelson.

i like Ingrid Michaelson.

i saw her at the house of blues a few years ago.

she somehow gets me to focus on what i'm reading....

so EVERYTIME i study, i'm listening to ingrid in my ears...

her music is soothing, and mostly uplifting....

(sidenote: pre-jason, i used to LOVE a clean house ((thanks to my housekeeper at the time)), with candles burning, peace and "ingrid" via surround sound.... this made me VERY happy!!!!! i had a housekeeper that came once every 2 weeks! it was so nice!)

okay back to reality....

so ingrid in my ear, rather than via surround sound, isn't quite the same, but it brings up those same amazing feelings....

(so much so, that i dance while i study.... and turned around the other day to find jason videotaping me and talking into the camera.... i was SOOOO embarrassed!)

back to those amazing feelings....

empowering.

powerful.

wonderful.

happy.

blessed feelings

of gratitude....

speaking of gratitude, i'd like to thank Laurnie over at "Some Whine w/ Cheese" for this one-of-a-kind award.... (i LOVE the red color!!!!)

as everyone else is getting married, or pregnant... she's not.... she's just blogging.... about everything and she is WONDERFUL! =)

note* she also has more than one blog. i'd check them both out!!

(and join THE NOTEBOOK JOURNEY! there are only 7 spots left!!!)