Monday, August 31, 2009

driving home....

My creative juices get flowing at night.... Maybe because jason falls asleep and I'm still awake, thinking of all the things I didn't get out of my head from earlier in the day.... Nooo.... That's not it, because all these seem to be new ideas.... Like they all of a sudden came to me tonight.... On my bit of a long drive home from long beach to laguna.... From the 22 east... To the 405 south.... To the 5 south.... I thought of many different things....

First of all, I'm sorry for getting on here and "venting" so much. You must think I hate being a mother or something, but in fact I don't.... I just share the side that many people don't share (mainly us women). You'll always hear women saying things like "ohhhh becoming a mommy was the greatest thing I've ever done..." Or "it's just the most wonderful thing you can ever experience...." Or things like that.... What they DON'T normally tell you, are all the normal feelings they feel.... Now I don't know if it's out of guilt.... Or if it's just because it's one of those forbidden things you just don't talk about.... Sort of like poop.... Whatever the case may be, the feelings are very real....(And, in fact, very normal!!!). I think every woman, (and probably man too) thinks about life before baby and how much easier it was, and how much more peaceful it was.... Stuff like that. You guys both got more attention from each other, and yes.... Affection too! I miss that SUPER closeness I had with my husband, which we both want back more than anything, but we've also both accepted that in a little due time (like maybe when he sleeps a little bit longer.... ) It'll come back. I still find my husband amazingly attractive.... And often wonder if I'm still as attractive to him as I once was.... I would never ask him that, but instead try to take his word when he says things like "you are so beautiful." Or "I still look at you the same as I did before.". But I see the pooch on my stomach... I know it's there, just as well as he does.... How attractive can that be?? I know it wasn't there when we met.... SEE MEN!!!! See what you guys do?! You fall in love with us one way, start a family with us, and now we don't look the same as we did before.... I know we also have to give it time and not be so hard on ourselves.... I just don't want to become that t-shirt and warmups wearing mom, with no makeup, throwing my hair back in a ponytail, "just because that's the easiest." (No offense to any of those moms!!!) I just want to keep up myself as I'd hope he would want to for me....

You know, since jason and I knew we were expecting, he has always made it very clear that he wanted me to stay at home with the kiddos and raise them.... Of course, it all sounds nice and everything, but when you're used to working fulltime, and used to depending on yourself as your sole-provider, "staying at home" just doesn't FEEEEL as appealing as it so often sounds.... Or better yet, make a decision once your child is born. With taylor, I remember working when she was 8 weeks old.... I worked nights at Hoag and LOVED coming home to her! I missed her while I was away.... (And although I didn't always LOVE seeing her at 8 am when I wanted to sleep, I did miss her very much so while I was busy working.... (Side note: I financially provided for us, but had a GREAT amount of daycare assistance from my wonderful family) I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.... For sure!!!!

It's very different having both kiddos home while jason's at work from dawn to dusk.... (Okay so not really but from 5 am-ish until 6 pm-ish.... So almost!). I don't have my grandma in a "back house" anymore.... I don't have mom upstairs, or sisters closeby.... I have me. And mom and poppa around the corner (and they still help a tremendous deal), it's just a completely different experience, and as it should be!!!!

I'd go into a little more of our plans for our near future, but Jason isn't as "open" as I am, and I don't want to disrespect him in throwing every detail about us into the public.... Ooooo I bet you're wondering what I'm not telling now huh? haha. I'm teasing. We're a great team, and I'm learning how to become a better partner.... I'm selfish!!! I know that about me! But I've never really committed myself to someone. I could be loyal, just wasn't ever COMMITTED to someone you know?? I always felt like "this isn't gonna last." Maybe that's why I always thought I'd never get married.... I just didn't care enough about someone else and compromising and all that stuff you do when you're really, truly committed.... Giving up isn't an option for us.... We ALWAYS know we'll get through whatever is handed to us.... Because if we're handed it, we can.... That's right.... Handle it!!! =).

So tonight, I was driving home in my truck with the baby, while Jason drove home with T (we had met up after he got off from work, ate dinner, and were now headed home).... We were driving and I was re-capping my day (which I do often).... I was overwhelmed.... Completely.... Completely overwhelmed.... I kept looking at this long to-do list, while Lewie was screaming in the background allllll morning into afternoon.... I kept thinking about how I was going to accomplish any of those items on the list. I stopped and prayed (yeah, I know, some of you aren't religious, but it's what keeps me going....) My faith.... My faith in God is what keeps me going.... I prayed and asked Him to forgive me for expecting to accomplish everything on my time.... I smiled. Life isn't on my time, not now, not ever! I can plan out what I'd LIKE to do.... But who knows what comes up in between me wanting to get it done and me actually getting it done (besides my procrastination! Ha!)

Anyway, after praying I knew that I would get done just what I would get done for the day. Nothing more, nothing less.... And so I did! I got the most important things done with nearly no time left in between.... Yeah this is probably getting hard to follow now. Anyway, Lewie had a drs appt at 215. I had to get taylors school registration packet in by 4 (or so I thought), and I had an appt in LB at 6 pm.... A tad bit out of sequence, and with a little extra gas, the most important things got done. I can't complain.... Tomorrow brings another day and yet another attempt to knock some of those things off that list....

The light has been dimmed in our room for the entire time I have been typing this blog out on my phone, so my eyes are really starting to drag right now.... I guess the way little kids count sheep jumping over a fence to fall asleep, is equivalent to me typing out a blog....

I still have tons to say, but do I ever not???

On a much more random note, I found my 7th grade algebra teacher on facebook. He was an excellent teacher, and I still remember many valuable (and invaluable) lessons from his classes (I also took him for geometry in 8th grade, so that may be why I remember him so well) but anyway.... It's super nice to find someone from the past who remembers you too (or at least lies to you and makes you think they remember you, ha!) Totally kidding!

Okay, I have 2 snoring males next to me.... I guess it's time I join the snoozing and snooze too.... Don't think I'm done here.... I've got much more to say! (So what's new?) Ha!

Good night! (Or morning, whatever) =)

2 comments:

Stephani Nicole Anneler said...

Ashley, i have told you this before and I'm gonna tell you again. I love your writing : ) The way you write and the amount of emotion and detail you put into each blog is so awesome! You are beautiful inside and out. You know, everything you write about having a new born baby around is so cool to read about...you are so right, often people talk about how wonderful being a new mom is but it's only the woman who have had more then one child who tell it all, from the best parts to the hardest parts. I guess for me (who is so scared of having kids) your writing really helps me have patience on waiting till both Josh and I are fully 100% ready to be parents...i know there is no being ready, I'm just scared of exactly what you talk about, how long it takes to adjust to everything again...Thank you for sharing your writing : ) Again, you are such a beautiful person and praying does wonders : ) God always has your back! xoxo

Stephani

christina.pappan said...

Ash, I commend you for being honest & most importantly being "real". You're right no one explains what it's like as a mother besides it's the best feeling in the world. I want to thank you for expressing your true feelings and people can say what they want to say, because in reality we all know that you love being a mom and we know that your family is most important to you. If anyone has anything different to say, they obviously don't know you too well.

Thank you for sharing a gift that God gave you and it is your writing..... Rememeber.... I'd Rather Be Blogging... ;)