Monday, August 24, 2009

when all else fails, jump off the pier.

i don't really know who is more helpless right now....
my 5 week old son, who cannot seem to find peace tonight....
or myself....
who sits at the edge of the bed, with my feet on the floor, toes curled, digging into the carpet.... my eyelashes are seemingly stuck together from the tears that filled my eyes just moments ago.... 
my ears are ringing with the memorization of his cry embedded in my eardrum....
right behind both of my eyes, it feels like someone is pushing with all of their heart and soul to push both eyeballs right out of my sockets (or in other words, i have quite a splitting headache....) in fact, it's so "splitting" that it "splits" right to the back of my head....
so again.... i tell you.... in all honesty.... 
i don't know which one of us, this 5 week old boy, or myself sits (or lies) more helpless at this very moment.... 

if i were standing on a pier right at this very moment,
i'd probably jump in....
and if you really know me, 
you'd know that 1. i'm deathly afraid of jumping into water (especially mother nature's water)
2. i've somehow managed to become deathly afraid of the ocean....
and 3. i'd never jump off the pier (especially at night).... 
and i'm sure there's a lot more to this that just doesn't seem right....
yeah, but for whatever reason, it's another one of those nights.
nights and mornings are the worst for me.... mid-day though.... mid-day we are good.

it's the balance, for me.
balance is like a foreign language to me right now.  (where's miss rosetta stone for this one??)
i felt like i was getting it down and then all of a sudden, nights like these happen.
tonight should be a night where everything is great....
and it was, up until it became time to go to sleep....
i have to keep my mouth shut right now, because i heard this phrase one time, and i think it went something like this, "if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say it at all...."
and my anger isn't directed at jason....
but he probably wouldn't hear anything extremely pleasant from me, except some sort of rant or venting session which would probably end up with me in tears.... 
and that's the last thing he needs, considering it IS 11 o clock and he has to be up in 5 hours.... 

when i can't do something that i REALLY want to do, or something that i THINK should be a lot easier than it is, it's frustrating as all heck.... 
i feel like i've failed at something that isn't even over yet... you know?
today is exactly 5 weeks since Little man was born....
he's 5 weeks old today and i feel like i should have this whole balance thing down.... 
but...... i don't....
i am no where even close....
a little girl just a few weeks shy of 7 years, and a 5 week old....
where's the balance?
i feel like i'm sitting on a teeter totter by myself.... 
or with someone of equal weight for about 2 seconds and then all of a sudden they jump off and BAM! i hit my butt on the ground, or in the sand or wherever i would hit it if someone jumped off....

i mean, it's crazy!!!!!!
someone else out there has to get this! someone SURELY has to understand!!!!!
right?
maybe not....
i am sure everyone's children are so different.
taylor's been the only child for almost 7 years, but with as advanced as she is, it's like she's been an only child for about 15 years.... 
she desperately needs an incredible amount of attention right now....
and i KNOW she needs it, and probably quite honestly deserves a whole lot of attention.... but it's attention, that i have a hard time finding right now.....
at times (usually when he's sleeping), the attention (and patience) come so easy....

but then tonight, (coincidentally it's the night we tell her that she needs to start getting on a "school" schedule and the tv needed to be shut off immediately following "princess" something rather, on the disney channel, which by the way, she's already seen a few different times), she gives a hard time. she tells me of these "noises" she hears in her bathroom.... (which is the sound of the AC).... she tells me how she has horrible dreams at nana's the night before, and what should she do if she has them here.... "Taylor just put your pajamas on and brush your teeth."  
"but mom, i can't sleep."

i look over at jason and say, what do you think the 3rd complaint will be? my bet's on an upset stomach.....
and i kid you not.... within about 4 minutes of me saying that, in she walks....
"mom, my stomach hurts." 

we've now tucked her in about 3 or 4 times....
SHE WANTS TO WATCH TV IN HER ROOM UNTIL THE WEE HOURS OF THE NIGHT/Morning like she has been doing this summer.... sorry T!!! it's not gonna happen!!!! you've GOT to get onto your school schedule starting now.... she did NOT like this at all!

i get really soft, and want to not be "hard" on her, but when i look back at my childhood and think of how my parents were with me (separate households, and TOTALLY different parenting), they both had rules they were set on.... i can't ever remember being able to watch tv in my room until the wee hours of the morning.... (although in the summer, we'd watch it until pretty late in the living room) i remember it was a late night if we stayed up late enough to watch jerry springer, and that old fart came on at 11 pm... it felt like the middle of the night back then.... (still kinda does, HA!)

so when i let her stay up until 10 pm tonight and wouldn't let her watch TV in her room, and then felt kinda bad about it, i had to snap myself back into it and think "that's not entirely unrealistic or mean."  and i don't think it is....

what i find the hardest time with, is the patience to say, "ohhh honey, that noise is _____" (whatever the noise is)..... and then 2 minutes later, "ooohhh honey, please brush your teeth like i asked you 10 minutes ago....." .... and then 2 more minutes go by.... "ohhhh honey, i'm sorry about your dream.... did you brush your teeth yet?" and then getting up out of bed 5 minutes later to get her medicine for her stomach and then asking her again if she's brushed her teeth yet.... and then by this point, you are so frustrated that you've asked her to brush her teeth 14 times, it now almost becomes a threat. GET IN THERE AND BRUSH OU TEETH or you won't watch TV at night at all anymore. (okay, so it was totally a threat).... haha. i'm totally kidding, i didn't say this to her tonight, because i wanted to think about what i was going to say and not just throw some unrealistic, ridiculous threat out there that i wouldn't fall through with.... i just asked her, "what do you need from either one of us right now taylor? it seems like you need something, but i just don't know what it is.... do you have any ideas?"  she had none.... all i had, was to leave the hallway light on, with both of our bedroom doors open and see where that took us.... it seemed to work. she's asleep.....

jason's lying on the couch now with the baby..... (of course, and i wonder why the boy cries.... because he knows that if mommy doesn't pick him up, somebody will)

speaking of jason, today was the official day.  we got the email from the district confirming him as their guy for this new jobsite.... all of my insides wanted to feel as excited as i did when taylor got a perfect report card, but jason probably wouldn't want me jumping up and down asking him if he wanted to celebrate at chuck e cheese's.... so instead, i kissed him and told him how proud of him i am.... very exciting.... his idea for us to go to a nice dinner, so we ended up at lucilles.... and of all the nights in the world that i could possibly have those "OUCH" cramps that give you the chills immediately after, it was tonight.... i sat there with not very much of an appetite.... i really am proud of him and all his hard work.... it is slowly looking like all his man hours he puts in, is finally getting him to the positions he's wanted to be at.... anyway.... good job baby.... i love you SO Much!!!!

so now, my eyes are slowly getting heavier than i can stand to keep open.... (they feel weighed down BIGTIME).... so i'm going to get my boys and head to bed.... hopefully..... if not, you'll catch me at the pier.... 
or in the water.... 
or on my knees.... praying.... but you can't pray for patience....  
it'll all work out, i know.... sometimes, it's just REAAALLLLLLLLLY hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel.... tonight just so HAPPENED to be another one of those nights! sorry for the negative rambling....

good night!



1 comment:

Jenni Newman said...

You know things will get better, you've done this before and were/are fabulous at it! Don't you jump off that pier, I wont be able to come after you cause I have the same fears!
I love you girl and it's okay to cry along the way, just as long as you keep pushing forward! :D