back to the future.

so i guess i feel so stuck.

i know i can work to make a living....

and that's what i've done.

because i had to.

there was no choice.

it was about doing whatever i was good at, or even what i knew NOTHING about, and finding the highest paying job to get by and learning it or doing it the very best i could, so that i could keep the job and make a living.... having been off of work for some time now (since my YUCK pregnancy), I've finally gotten to the breaking point of being stagnant.... can't do it any longer.... i haven't been cleared to go back to work yet, which is fine. i can't change it one way or the other. well, i could lie and say i'm fine. i'll go back, but hopefully they wouldn't do an MRI and all that super expensive stuff again, because they might say, "um, i'm not sure you are."  but whatever....  it is what it is and i've been just accepting it, and trying to "enjoy" it as much as i can. 

some benefits to me being at home is that:

1. we don't have to pay for daycare.

2. jason is much happier with ME watching our kids than anyone or anywhere else.

3. spend a lot more time with my mom and family.

4. i'm able to write a lot more.

5. i'm learning how to cook a lot more, and actually enjoying it.

6. i can stop and rest whenever i want!!!

there are many other things that i am learning to enjoy and accept.

there are also negative things about being home, which initially (and for a long time) wore me down and out.... 

1. there is no "alone time" EVER for me.  everytime Lewie (or Taylor) is upset, I hear every complaint, cry, tantrum, fit.... i hear it allllll.... there is never just a period of time where i go without a crying baby or complaining child.... (which, by all means, I should and am learning to appreciate.... but it DEFINITELY takes a while.) i'd like to be able to just have a chunk of time (a few hours maybe?) without a crying child.... a chunk of time where someone else (preferably daddy) can handle the tantrum or the poopy diaper that somehow ends up with poop everywhere from his bum up to his neck and all over his stomach.... how? i have NO idea....

2. the house is SO extremely hard to keep up on. there are at least 2 of us home at alll times. so even if that is just Lewie and I, i'm constantly attending to him, and not cleaning the house, or he's sleeping, and that's the time I think i have to myself, where i would really rather do nothing (except that now I've registered for 2 classes online to fill that extra time i may have had)....  it seems like when i know i have more time to do it, i put it off to the very end.... or don't do it at all.... i believe the word is procrastination, maybe? ;)  or maybe it's called "poor planning."  i cook more, so that means dishes!!!! before this, we hardly ever ate home... we were always on the go. i wouldn't get home and settled and even READY for dinner until AT LEAST 630 or 7, sometimes later.  that meant for a quick dinner, some homework, bathtime and bedtime for Taylor. aaaaand.... not enough time for major mess.

3.  laundry seems to be 50 times as much. i have no idea how that works, because i don't change my clothes throughout the day.... oooohhh wait. i just realized that while typing that out, it was a lie.... i DO change my clothes, in fact, I change them often, as i'm puked on AT LEAST 3 times a day, that isn't including all the "near misses" that i just so happen to catch in a cloth diaper or some other cloth item in reach (*cough* Jason's shirts *cough*) okay, so i'm kidding about using his shirt.... sort of.  i don't know HOW or WHERE the laundry comes from. seriously. i didn't even think there were that many articles of clothing, or linen in the house, but somehow.... they allll end up in the hallway or overflowing our laundry basket. ick! i am going to slowly start "losing" items.... 

4.  i feel i've lost my sense of myself.... i felt so much more worth before.... i was a mother.  a single mother, at that. i was an employee. a full time employee. i was a friend. a daughter. i had a new truck. i had my own apartment. i had my bills. i had all of the MY and ME stuff that i just hadn't quite adjusted to "giving up."  now, i don't mean that in a complaining way.... not entirely at least.... but i felt like IIIII was the one holding down the fort.... for myself and for taylor. so my bills got a bit behind at times.... but my rent was always paid on time. so there was never a scare of losing that.... it would be the electric or the cable or the gas that would be late.... usually the cable, because that wasn't a necessity.... that was a "luxury."  i don't know how we made it, but somehow we did.... i never had a chance to save money aside, but we got by....  i must admit that, mentally, i've been slowly adjusting to this "lifestyle" i guess you would say.... i'm learning to accept more and more where my "role" is.... i wasn't able to work for a long time. physically unable to perform my job duties.... i couldn't. there was just no way possible. i HATED/HATE that.... but you do what you can.... you accept what you cannot, and accept and welcome what you can.... i had to learn to "welcome" many new things.... so in losing my OLD self, i have found a NEW self.... i'm REALLY not one for change.... that's for sure.... so i guess this can be both a positive and negative thing.... the negative was hating to let go of my old self, but the positive is welcoming an entirely new self.... =)  

5. i feel a lot more pressure, because i'm "available" more.... i feel helpless at times, because i assume that much more is expected of me because i am not working. now that may all be in my head, or it may be true.... either way, i don't like when i assume that people have expectations of me.... i am a lot less likely to do whatever it is they want me to do.... (this isn't entirely true for work, more for personal)  because if there are expectations at work, i like to go above and beyond.... but mind you, this isn't a job with a paycheck, so you sort of just work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and it takes awhile.... a LONG while to feel the "rewards" or "payment".... does that even make any sense?  

anyway.... i'm probably just ranting and raving, and well, Lewie just went to sleep, so i need to drag myself back to my online course, because this is, in fact, the only time that i am able to think clearly, is when he is asleep.... 

sooooo, i shall continue this blog later, as it really did have a purpose that matched the title....