maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

i guess only women find this absolutely hilarious....

well jason did too.... 

which is probably a good thing, being that i believe he is one of the few faithful men that still exist....

it was jason's change from lunch the other day. ha! hilarious.

what a BURN to the man who cheats on his wife....

"maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."

Your Signature and Life Story please....

so for those of you who know my daughter, know that she :

1. believes in the tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny, etc.

2. loves to write.

3. is nosy (i have no idea where she got it from either) ;)

4. is beyond smart.

and, well, i'm sure there's more, but that's about all you'll need to know for this story....

so.... last night, Taylor gets a paper plate, puts 2 cookies on them. pours a small glass of milk. writes a letter to Santa. also, she leaves him a "helping hand" award. she made him this award.

For those of you who can't read it, it says: TO Santa FROM Taylor Diaz, Helping Hand. Thank you For all your hard work! Keep up the good work! (and there is a picture of a thumbs up on it)

She also includes this letter to santa:

IT reads:

"Dear Santa

I've had a great year. Please try to get my friend Nicolette to beleive in you. If you get to eat these cookies please sighn your name on the line.

___________________

Please tell me a little bit about your life. If you don't want to or it's a secret it's okay."

Anyway.... we wake up this morning.... only to find the cookies? eaten. gone. milk glass? empty. note? award?.... gone. my laptop? sitting on the table where the note was.... moved from its normal resting place next to the tv.... it was "hibernating" and only needed a little click of the spacebar or mouse to wake up.... Taylor was confused. her note was gone, but my computer was there. so we "woke it up," and found this on our screen. my text edit open (Apple's version of notepad)....

Dearest Taylor,

You have been such a good girl all year. I have watched you move to a new school and treat your new classmates with such care. I have watched you do so well in school and work so hard. I have watched you welcome a new baby brother into this world with such patience, and such a loving heart. I have watched you help your daddy and mommy, and I've watched you treat your family so kind. You are a very good girl, with a very gentle heart. I am sorry your friends at school do not believe in me. You don't have to try to convince them that I am real. As long as you believe, I will visit you. As long as you believe, your heart stays young. Never stop dreaming, Taylor. You are a very bright girl. I hope you enjoy your toys this year. Something tells me, you will have many presents from many people. Let's work on keeping your room cleaner this year, so that next year there will be room for more presents!

My life is a very busy life. It is a very cold one too! Christmas Eve is my busiest night of all, when I must visit all of the good children's homes! When I come home, Mrs. Claus is waiting with a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows and the fire is burning in the fireplace. Forgive me for moving your couch a bit. It was a bit difficult to get in through there. I think your Dad and Mom will understand why it's a bit out of place.

Keep up all your hard work (and tell your Dad and Mom to give you a better pen to write with next time. That pen didn't work.) I took your note with me so that I could show Mrs. Claus.

I hope your Dad and Mom aren't too upset that I used their computer. Please tell them to save this letter for you somehow.

I enjoyed your cookies very much, and was very thankful you left milk. Some kids don't leave milk, and it makes it very difficult to wash the cookies down. I ate one and will share the other with the reindeer. I hope I didn't wake you tonight.

Never forget the reason for today's celebration.

Dream Big, Sweet Taylor.

HO HO HO!

Until next year,

Saint Nicholas

P.S. Your dog is very kind too. Good thing she didn't bark and wake you.

So Taylor, was SO excited! She beamed and exclaimed, "i KNEW there was a Santa, Mom! you need to save this letter or print it, and i can show my friends that there really is a santa!"

Oh, Sweet Taylor.... my life will never get old with you in it.... =)

compromised corneas....

so i already know that i have compromised corneas. they told me that this past year, which doesn't allow me to have the lasik surgery even if my vision stopped changing (which it has for the past 3 years).... 

i would have been a candidate but for whatever reason, my corneas are all jacked up and now i can't see and i can't have the procedure.... 

i've been going to costco for my eyes exams for the past many many years, and usually a box of contacts lasts me about a year.... 

not gonna lie, i've slept in my contacts for a loooooooong time (which i'm certain is the cause of my compromised corneas), but i have NOT slept in my contacts for the past year now! 

i've taken them out every single night and i soak them all night. i wear my glasses at night and every morning.... and it seems like my eyes are worse than they have ever been.

this started happening especially after i had lewie....

it happened in the hospital, where i could not put my contacts in and actually left the hospital in my glasses.... my eyes got SUPER light sensitive and i couldn't even keep 'em open. 

then, i had to wear my glasses for a few days, soaking my eyes with a hot washcloth every now and again....

well it's done it a bunch of times since then, and it sucks.

i can't keep my eyes open for very long. they water, they're super light sensitive.... and well, i think i just need new eyes....

of course, it's Christmas Eve.... my eyes are all jacked up, and i'm grumpy. i'm amazingly blessed to have a super supportive husband who is trying to help me get out of my moods, although i should totally be doing this myself.... he's out running all my last minute errands, and well, here i am venting about the stupid eyeballs i want to rip out of my face! ugh!

has anyone else ever experienced what i'm talking about? am i the only lame person on this planet whose eyes decide to shut down for a few days every few months? HELP!!!

whoa! i didn't know corneal transplants are a real thing!!!! i want one!!!! me next, me next!

so santa, if you're listening.... all i want for Christmas are 2 eyes that i can see with that won't go out of order every few months....  NEW CORNEAS PLEASE!!!!

Taylor's Winter Celebration Party....

Taylor and her buddy Nicolette making the picture magnets....

Taylor and her best buddy Nicolette. =)

Aaaaand then.... Lewie decided he'd had enough of the winter celebration party and that it was time to go.... anywhere but there....

they had craft tables set up in a bunch of different sections. they were decorating candy canes, making magnets, making picture ornaments, decorated cookies and cupcakes.... it was adorable! =) wish i could've stayed for more pictures, but i can't stand (or sit) for too long.... so this was our maxed out time....

this was her "treat" plate. =) (notice the devoured top of her cupcake)

and this is probably my favorite.... the ornament she made for me. =) i added the year on it and wrote on the back.... it's still drying, but will be on our tree very soon.

Merry Christmas (and a happy 2 weeks off for her!!!)

superwoman: cheap imitation.

okay. i have about 12 minutes until the timer goes off.  and then about 30 minutes after that, i've got to go drop the cupcakes off at T's school, which is thankfully right across the street..... i volunteered to make the 40 that they needed, but somehow 40 suddenly turned into 96.... 48 of which i wouldn't have eaten myself.... so i tossed all but 14 of those.... 

 i'm about 2 minutes late feeding Lewie, and you can tell by the shriek in his cry. AHHHH!!!!

....  okay so 3 minutes later, he is silent.... and my neck is very much sore.... and unhappy. sorry neck! you're going to have to suffer a bit this time....

I have this sling around me (which i used for about the first few weeks Lewie was born).... he was so tiny, he somehow managed to get lost in it, so i stopped using it and started using the front to back carrier type thing (thanks Kera), which works pretty well (except when you're trying to feed a baby).... so i'm in the middle of trying to feed him and bake cupcakes (well, MORE cupcakes, because 48 of the 72 that were baked last night, didn't turn out well at all.... i thought it was my fault somehow, but after bickering back and forth with jason about it, we both decided it had to be the mix we were using.... anyway, he said, "just take the cupcakes. the kids won't care how they taste, they just want to decorate them." )

is that not such a MAN thing to say? all i could think about was if i took these disgusting cupcakes to taylor's school, they'd never let me offer to bake something again!!! next time i'd volunteer, they'd secretly whisper amongst themselves "uh no. that's the lady who made those disgusting cupcakes last time." ahhhH! i couldn't be known as "that lady." (honestly, not that i really care, but THOSE cupcakes were NOT a reflection of my best work.... ) 

i've been up since about 0400 am, when the alarm went off the first time for jason. i guess i "know" and count on the snooze button, and know that he doesn't actually have to be out of bed until 0415 if he wants to leave the house by 0445.... so i didn't even nudge him, i just hit the snooze and rolled back over... but of course, JUST when you shut your eyes, it goes off again.... and then i sigh, and kinda kick him.... and shut it off.... and roll over and it goes off again, and now, i just sigh.... i'm mumbling under my breath, because he doesn't ever hear the dang thing go off, but i do.... it can vibrate in another room and i'd hear it.... (we use my cell phone as the alarm).... jason has an alarm clock but he seriously has it as loud as i'm sure the military uses to wake up their sleeping beauties.... when his alarm clock would go off, i'd literally jump out of bed, thinking someone was attacking our house or something!!!! it was awful!!!! (and all joking aside, i'm CERTAIN he woke our neighbors!).... 

so, while typing this, Lewie has managed to SOAK my last pair of clean, dry socks with vomit. (i don't have very many pairs, okay? i'm usually in flip flops).... the rest are in the washer.... which reminds me... must change laundry.... 

i'm baking with a sling (and child) around my neck.... i'm going completely insane, and really wishing, in fact, that someone was here to take a picture of this craziness!  so i grabbed the camera and went to the big mirror hanging at the bottom of the stairs to take this picture.... and noticed the mirror downstairs really needs to be cleaned.... i don't ever really look in that mirror, as i'm usually running (and falling) out of the door, late to wherever i'm headed next.... 

do you know what the anxiety of running late all the time feels like? i'm not a very good planner, but have gotten a little better (maybe?? just a little?).... i don't know.  that could just be wishful thinking.... 

which reminds me.... 

those cupcakes.... need to be delivered.... like now.

she's crazy.

spiral winds,

turn funnels.

heavy clouds,

drop rain.

run around the outside.

i don't even know my name.

cows pass the window,

in my bed i lay,

wonder when the sun will shine?

wonder when i can play.

again.

there goes the lady on her bike,

with that wicked, crooked nose.

looking over at me,

through my now broken window.

BAM i hit the ground so hard,

i don't know which direction's which.

i see the feet under my house, 

belonging to that witch.

asia's running outside now,

munchkins jump out singing loud.

good witches, bad witches, 

all around.

my phone rings

in the middle of it all.

i tell him what i've seen....

he doesn't believe 

all that is REAL,

he says it's just a dream....

T.K.

There's something about her.... 

something about her that i can't explain.

She didn't ask to be here.

but i brought her here anyway....

after 8 agonizing months of vomiting and an evergrowing belly, she was here.

and it's been a little over 7 years since that day....

and she is here....

long brown hair.

brown eyes.

big, thick, bushy eyebrows.

and eyelashes that go on for days.

she has more gums than she does teeth, but a gorgeous smile none the less....

when her smile is genuine, it's one that'll warm your heart....

there's something about her.

i can't pinpoint exactly what it is....

maybe it's her being at my side through all of my times....

my trying ones.

my bad ones.

and my good ones.

she's still here.

maybe it's her unconditional love and attentiveness that no 7 year old child should even have to know.

the nights we would lie in bed, she would just rub my arm.... 

no words....

because somehow she sensed my doubt that everything would be okay.

she'd tell me it would be....

and somehow, in the whisper of her tiny little voice.... i knew it would be....

there's something about her, that nobody else has....

there's that unconditional love, that an innocent child holds....

that no matter how bad your day is, or how snippy you are, 

your apology is always accepted immediately....

you can wipe away her tears, hug her, kiss her, tell her you love her, and she'll never turn you away.

there's this warmth about this girl, that i can't even begin to explain....

i can try, but i'd fail every single time....

there's this understanding about her that she carries that all is to be forgiven.... 

that a smile is always welcome....

there's this warmth about her hug.... 

she longs to be the most important thing in your life....

i feel like i can't ever live up to making up the mistakes i've made in my past....

for all the wrong people i've ever brought into her life.....

i look at her and feel so guilty for not showing her, sooner, what a wonderful love is made of....

i know she is still so young, but so wise.... so intelligent beyond her years....

she gets these awards...

for an excellence in reading....

for being a wonderful writer....

and for a caring attitude....

it all makes me smile.

in fact, it makes me cry....

tears of joy....

but i wonder, is it even me to credit for her being the wonderful girl that she is?

i wonder where all her excellence comes from, and i welcome it none the less....

i just look at this girl...

this wonderful girl.

i thank God she is mine....

there's something about her....

i can't explain what it does to me.....

it gives me all the power to keep going,

because sometimes nothing in the world seems to push me forward,

but she.... 

she does....

i'm EVER so thankful.

i'm EVER so blessed.

that she is mine.

Santa Pawpa....

my mom volunteers for an organization called "new beginnings" for animals.... she does kitty cuddling, originally starting on tuesdays for 2 hours.... slowly that became, tuesdays and thursdays for 2 hours each time.... sometimes she even picks up other "shifts" and covers people who leave town, or can't make it....

well recently, she volunteered for "Santa Paws" at the pet store (where she does the kitty cuddling).... she asked if we could all pitch in and help make this thing possible. they needed a photographer (tuety did a great job, thank you tuety).... she was going to help with the photos and collect the money.... and we.... well, we were just going to visit her.

so yesterday comes, and she and michelle go and take these pictures and do this great deed.... it goes great! they did a great job!

then today comes.... and they weren't going to have a santa paws claus.... somehow mom manages to talk poppa (now known as Pawpa) into being Santa at the pet store.... poppa really doesn't care for kids much (or so he tries to act like he doesn't like kids, but i think he secretly loves them.... probably as much as he loves rabbits in his bedroom).... (inside joke.... he's SUPER allergic).... anyway.... he goes WAY out of his comfort zone, and even buys his own mustache and beard (so he doesn't have to swap spit with the santas before him....)

i tossed around the idea of going in and taking our picture today, but quickly decided to do it as soon as i found out HE was Santa Paws.... (i didn't know until this morning).... needless to say, that since Jason had to go to work (and even if he didn't), we now have a wonderful picture with Santa Pawpa!

what a trooper Pawpa!!!! =)

anyway.... i guess where i was kind of going with this, was how wonderful a great marriage is.... where you leave your comfort zone and do things out of the norm.... things you wouldn't do on a normal day or for another soul on this planet.... (but you will for this one partner....) i know how much this organization means to mom and i know that poppa knows it too.... michelle (my sister) and i were just talking about how wonderful it is to see my mom light up about something.... she doesn't light up this way about much,.... and definitely not for humans.... but for ANIMALS?! now that's an entirely different story.... she works all these hours (well VOLUNTEERS her man time and hard work) for these animals to have a chance at having a good home.... would my stepdad do this on his own free time? no, i don't think so. he'd more likely spend his time capturing photos of strange people, or beautiful flowers, or see how close he could get to a hummingbird before it flies away.... but he sat in a HOT santa suit, sweating his brains out, with animals (and kids) because he loves my mom....

now THAT is a wonderful feeling....

folks, true love exists.... good, real, genuine love exists.... it's about compromise.... and bending out of your comfort zone. it's about snuggling a rabbit even if you're allergic.... okay, so not really.... but it's about being Santa Claus, when you'd much rather catch the sunday football game.... THAT'S what love is about.... it's about seeing mom's face light up when people come in to take their picture with their animals....

heck, i would have been santa for that..... =)

9 months to the day.... (originally written on August 24, 2008)

one of the few of the last pictures with my Dad. (11/2007)

it's been nine months to the day,
since he took your soul away,
from us here
in this place.
how i'd give anything 
to see your face.
just yesterday i reached 
to call you....
so often i think 
thoughts about you.
things i think would make you smile,
i haven't heard you in awhile....
but i feel your love come to me,
just like the wind 
at the sea.
how i wish you were here
with me....
how i miss your kisses good night....
and your tight hugs in the morning....
and you telling me your stories....
of all your times before me....
there's still so much 
i have to say....
today is 9 months since that day...
and i still miss you (Dad)....

the anniversary- #1

so we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and it was fantastic!

anniversary #1

it was a surprise.... he set it up and i didn't even know we were doing anything. it was wonderful.  time with my husband, alone, is always wonderful. =) 

Mr. Mom (dropping off the kids at Mom's)

"dress nice. and warm."

brunch in the harbor.  our view from our booth.....

a little bit overcast, but still a beautiful day. =)

we see this guy paddling through the harbor.... jason said that was some of the dirtiest water to be in....

love his face when he's looking at something....

i wish there was sound with this picture.... i love his laugh. =) 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY my love! i look forward to so many more wonderful years with you! (and cards in my pillow)  ;) you're the best! 

flight line and teardrops. (originally written on august 14th, 2008)

flight line and teardrops....
rain in the summer.

cars, like ants, we drove on base.
seemingly knew to flock to the same area....
"the food" (for ants), i suppose....
is where we all parked....

herds of families walked in together....
children, children.
so many children.
so many wives.
and hearts.
and welcome home signs....
the ushers at the entrance passing out tiny american flags.
and red, white and blue pom poms....
all for us to cheer our marines in....
to welcome them home....

i kept my shades over my eyes....

we shuffled in and sat in the large room....
a large television overhead and seats everywhere....
vending machines.
tables covered in playdoh for the kids....
and a snack room....
with snacks and drinks covering the tables for anyone who cared to munch.
not i.
i sat uneasy.

i looked around this large room....
everyone here for the same reason as i.
to welcome someone home.
what about the ones who weren't here today?
what about the ones who SHOULD have been here today,
but weren't.....
what about them?
where were they?
what were THEY doing?
it hurt....

this is REALITY....
Man, this is our reality.
this is real life....
and just another normal day in the life of the military....

another group of our men and women coming home....
after being gone for MONTHS!!!!

this blonde woman in a knee length black dress talks over the speaker....
"your marines are about 30 minutes away. i will get on here and let you know when they are about 15 minutes away, and at that time, you will be allowed to head out to the flight line and wait for your marine."

....

.... no more than about 7 minutes passed, and she was back.
that blonde in the black dress....

"your marines are about 10 minutes away now. you may head outside to the flight line and wait for their arrival.... CON-GRAT-U-LA-TIONS!!!! You did it!!!!"

man!....
man oh man oh man oh man.....
this is INSAAAAANE!

we all walk out to the flight line.
there are red tents for those who would like to avoid the sun.

and there.
there was the marine corps band.
they are quite a musical group.
i mean, really.
all it took was one song.
no, wait.
just the beginning of one song, to bring tears to my eyes....
the played to the left,
as everyone gathered at the flight line....
what an INTENSE feeling....
on the ground....
a bunch of men and women walking around....
you felt like you were a part of top gun.
the rumbling of the ground....
the vibrations in your chest,
as the planes and jets roared their engines and flew outta there....
what an AMAZING view....
a fantastic one....

but where was OUR jet....
the one that held OUR marines?
the crowd of people searched the skies....
and off to the left.
up in the clouds.
there was a tiny white light....
the front of their plane coming in....
and the light got bigger....
and closer....
and lower.....

and the sound of the jet got louder.
and louder.
and closer.
and this HUUUGE oversized jet
FINALLY
touched down....
speeding past us....
and off to the right....

about 5 minutes later, it comes taxiing back.
and rests to the right....
the stairs are pushed against the plane....
and within a few moments,
the door slides up....
this jet is a BEAST!!!!
it's HUUUUGE!

at this point Taylor is crying uncontrollably!!!!
holy cow.
my right arm is shaking from holding her weight for so long.
I want to put her down, but she can't see if i do...
she's clenching me sooo tightly....
her nerves, probably so much greater than mine....
and mine were stomach turning on a 135 pounder.
i can only imagine what hers were like on a little 55 pounder....
but i tell you this....
when her tears fell....
so did mine....
and when her heart ached....
so did mine....
(it's amazing how that works when you become a parent.....
never before have i been so directly affected by someone else...
but HER.... HER heart is directly attached to mine, i tell you....)

minutes pass, and here they come....
OUR MARINES....
piling off the plane!
i couldn't see Jason, but I knew he was there...
I saw marine after marine....
and so started the tears.....
those men and women,
touching U.S. ground again....
Welcome Home troops....
Welcome Home....

and they hand in their weapon....
and sign in for their rooms.
get their room key....
and wait for their bags.....
their bags that are brought in on this HUGE truck....
green bags just PILED on this truck.
to us.... that's what it looks like.... a bunch of green bags....
but to our troops, these bags are their lives for these past months....
their lives were stuffed into these "green bags."

and like clockwork, all these men, lined up....
shoulder to shoulder.... starting from the back of the truck.
and handed these bags down this file of strong men....
none of them seeming to become tired....
sweat dripping off of every single one of them,
but not one of them slowing down....
the bags made it down the file to the very last man, where he would drop the bag
in no particular order or sequence....
and finally about 15 minutes later all of these hundreds of bags
made up rows and rows of our soldiers lives....

i stood in the middle of all the passing marines,
looking down at their boots....
there was still sand in them....
there was still sand from iraq in their boots....
our troops are home,
but just hours before, stood on war grounds....
it made me overcome with such a wide range of emotions....
a part of me overjoyed they were home safely...
another part of me soooooo disturbed that they were even there to begin with....

one of the marines loud voice, yells over the crowds "LISTEN UP MARINES!!!! DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

I quickly looked up....
and around....
if someone needed transportation to the barracks,
that meant they probably didn't have anyone waiting for them when they arrived.
I looked around....

His voice asked again, "DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

He paused.
once more, "TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS? ANYONE?"

No one seemed to need transportation at that time....
I exhaled....
to me that meant everyone had somebody....

He smiled....
as did i....

about 5 minutes later, I heard a young man say to another, "where can I get a ride to the barracks?"

I quickly turned around and there was a tall sandy blonde haired gentleman with round glasses on, standing alone holding his pack on his back, and that "green bag" over his shoulder and a black briefcase looking bag in his other hand....

I turned and said, "Thank you for what you've done. I am glad you're home safely.... Welcome Home!!!!"

I just wanted to hug him....
but you don't know what to do.....
you don't know how they are feeling emotionally.
you know?
i found this same exact feeling when I worked in the hospital....
when i'd meet a cancer patient for the very first time....
what do you say to them, you know?
how do you act towards them?
how are THEY feeling?
do you say you are sorry?
what if they aren't sorry?
what if you offend them by saying you're sorry?
i didn't want to make it any more awkward than it already was....
and so i just touched his arm and said, "welcome home," again.....

all the while,
my shades never left my nose...
because if they did....
these brave brave troops would see how incredibly weak i really was....
tears unable to stop pouring from my eyes as i walked this flight line....
To see Taylor in Jason's arms was incredible.
It really was.....

but my heart didn't stop there.....
there were so many others as well....
so many reunions....
husbands.
wives.
children.
parents.
newborns.
aunts.
uncles.
grandparents.
godparents....
boyfriends.
girlfriends.
brothers.
sisters.
friends.
fellow troops.
it goes on.
and on.
and on.
and i was just here.....

just another ant....
on another normal day.
in the life of the military.....
wishing i could do more.
say more.
give more.

and yet, all i could do,
was walk this FLIGHT LINE....
with my American Flag.
Pom poms.
AND TEARDROPS.....

Welcoming Home our brave men and women....

maybe it's just pride.... (originally written on august 28th, 2008)

maybe it's just pride....

the gaps between your actions.
and the words you speak aloud
show the lack of your intention,
or maybe you're just proud.
but you disappoint the miniature,
who can't wait to wear your shirt,
or watch a movie with you.
or kiss away your hurt.....
her big brown eyes look up to you,
she watches when you go....
she's soaking up your actions,
so much more than you know.
she puckers her lips 
and she closes her eyes....
if only you knew, like i do,
the way that she cries....
quit digging the holes,
that make the distance between....
the things that you say,
and the things that you mean....
the gaps between your actions.
and the words you keep inside,
show the lack of your intention,
or maybe it's your pride....

dysfunction: co-dependency.

so i have this stupid dysfunction.... called co-dependency.... i need to help people who need help. it's not always a bad things, because sometimes you are (or I am) successful at this, and it works out, and things are peachy. and they smile and i smile because they are smiling and it makes me happy.... and .... well, it's just dysfunctional sometimes. (sometimes, being most of the time)....

so i did something really stupid and thought i was being helpful and the situation just blew WAY out of proportion and then i went on trying to explain what my original intention was.... and that i was really in no way, shape or form trying to stir up any kind of drama, and it really just took me to this place of.... well, middle school or high school.... all over again.... and i immediately thought of jason.... and how if i tried to explain this situation to him, what he would say to me.... he would tell me that i should be minding my own business and not talking to anyone anyway.... it's hard for me!  that's something i've always done!!! i've ALWAYS tried to help where i can.... and a lot of times it's successful, but a lot of times, i just become way more emotionally invested than i probably should be and my emotions end up getting the best of me.... i take on people's things like they're my own, and what does it get me? well it gets ME a lot more emotions and it gets my family.... well, probably a lot grumpier mom, wife, sister, daughter, etc. 

whatever. i wish i could kick this stupid co-dependent thing.... i wish i could draw the line of where helpful becomes hurtful... or where helpful becomes "none of my business."  i guess being married to someone as, i don't want to call him "anti-social" because given the proper or comfortable setting, he's an amazingly funny and wonderful person to be around.... but, he's not the most social person in the world.... he doesn't think it's anyone's responsibility to fix anyone else's problems, except themselves.... hmmm... where do we meet in the middle on this one.... i don't know.... 

i still like to help, but not when i end up in situations like today. oh well. i'll call this "help," a loss and move on.... 

maybe i should go clean the house or something.... 

sleepless wonders

So I'm lying here in bed. It's not much past 9, but it feels like it's dead in the middle of the night.... What would normally be a night I'd be fast asleep, has very much turned in to a night with me lying here.... On my left side, squinting my eyes to see the small font on my blackberry....

My mind won't shut off, though it hardly does. Tonight, for whatever reason, it's on.... And not only turned on, but turned up.... To like the Nth degree....

So as I'm lying here, everything seems so loud. I wonder SO many things, that I'm actually wondering why I'm even wondering about these lame things!

I wonder where the sound of someone else's running water is coming from.... I can't tell if it's the condo beneath us, behind us, next to us.... For all I know, it's someone showering in my room.... Because that's what it sounds like.... Which leads me to my next wonder. I wonder what it sounds like to my downstairs neighbor when we move, when we walk, we I flush the toilet, when (jason) farts in bed.... Because IIII would never do such a thing. (Tee hee hee)....

I wonder how the difference between night and day somehow seems to be like 40 degrees or more! where do those 40 degrees go at night? Like to another planet? Cuz it sure feels like it.....

I wonder why Lewie went to bed at 6 something tonight? Aren't we the old folks here? Not him? Which then leads me to wondering since he went to bed at 6 something tonight, what glorious hour of the night is he going to wake up and decide he's slept enough, and what "pre-dawn" hour will be the perfect one to party (party of 1, that is).... I have nooo idea, but I'm in nooo hurry to find out....

I wonder why the guy, Rick, from Living spaces was such an absolute jerk when I called earlier.... I wonder if he was having a bad day or if he's always that rude to customers.... I wonder if people have actually cancelled their orders because of Rick's bad attitude.... I actually re-named him to myself (in my head) when he put me on hold, but it wasn't a very nice name, so I won't share it on here....

I wonder how I ended up with such a great husband who loves me so much and takes suuuuch great care of me without ever complaining, except if he thinks I'm doing too much.... (Well while I'm not feeling well).... Cuz if I DO feel okay, he doesn't mind barking orders, which are usually shot down immediately, just because I don't like being told what to do.... Which probably stems from me having father issues.... Which leads me to wonder how I ended up with him, and how he ended up with me.... Because he really likes to try to tell me what to do, and I really don't like to be told what to do, and we butt heads and most of the time just laugh at how incredibly dysfunctional (but happy) we are.... So I guess I kind of answered my own question there.... For whatever reason God put us together, I'm grateful for it, none-the-less....

I wonder why chocolate chip cookies taste soooo good... And why sweets like this and brownies and chocolate milk taste sooo exceptionally great first thing in the morning....
I WAS going to say "I wonder why these last 20 lbs of weight I want to shed, aren't just running away or shedding," but I think my previous "wonder" answered that question.... Darn.

I wonder why things come in waves.... Why you can feel one way about some certain thing or situation, and in a matter of days, hours, heck, even after hearing a song, why your feelings can completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) change the way you feel ENTIRELY.... I wonder if I am the only one who feels that way....

I wonder why I can't sleep, and why I'm wondering so much.... I wonder why it comes in waves....

are you REALLY THAT surprised?

soooo.... i don't watch a whole lot of TV.... and i don't follow the news very well.... i change the radio station if they start talking.... but i guess there's a buzz about Tiger.... Woods....

so everyone's trying to make a huge deal about him cheating and so many people are getting sooo upset with the news covering celebrities and such....

you may not want to hear it, but here i go anyway....

i think the main reason everyone follows celebrities for the "inside scoop," is because we all have this expectation.... we all have this "understanding" or "belief" that celebrities are some super beings.... that they aren't human, and that they are perfect.... at least that's the image they portray and try to maintain.... and they make a lot of money because of something. tiger is good at golf.... his money should come from golf.... yet most of his money comes from endorsements... a majority of this world are failures.... in fact, if all of us aired out the dirty laundry, there are more failures than anyone would ever admit to.... Tiger is human too. i am NOT, by ANY means, defending such a stupid action as cheating, but oh well. he cheated. it sucks for his wife and kids (later down the road, because, right now, they probably have absolutely no idea what's going on), but whatever. get over it. if she chooses to stay with him, she's stupid. or she's not, whatever.... but that's for HER to decide.... as for the rest of the world.... they just want to know that these "celebrities".... these super "non-human" beings, are, in fact, HUMANS too.... making the same mistakes that many of us wouldn't ever fess up to anyway....

he made poor decisions, just like 99.999999% of the rest of the world....

people want to watch successful people fall apart.... whatever it is, they want to watch them unravel and air out the so called dirty laundry and they want to know that big rich famous people make mistakes too.

hey guess what? i'll let you in on a little secret.... EVERYONE has made mistakes!!!!! whoooooaaa! bet ya didn't see that one coming now did ya?

my goodness! get over it people!!!! or the people who are so irritated with it, QUIT watching and/or listening.... a wise friend brought up a good point.... look at what the media did to the swine flu? blew that sucker waaaaaay outta proportion, right? more people die of the regular "flu" than of the "swine flu."

turn off your TV, put a CD in, instead of listening to radio talk....

make a list of what you need to do and go be productive or something.