hurricane in cali....

Yeah.
Bet you didn't hear about hurricane ashley now did ya?!
For whatever freakin reason, I'm all damn emotions tonight.... Could it be the pregnancy? Possibly.... Could it be my dysfunctions that I'm still working on ironing out? Very well could be.... In fact, I'm sure that's a huge part of the problem.... Could it be I'm overly tired? Slight chance.... Or how about hungry? Oh for sure....
so.... I'll pick one and start from there.... My dysfunctions.... (Working on ironing those out, I tell you).... There is not another soul in this world I would attempt to cook for other than jason.... Since this whole symphysis pubic dysfunction arose back in february, I haven't been much good of anything for anyone.... I've felt like a worthless, helpless, dependant piece of crap.... The cooking went to a bare minimal (and it was pretty damn minimal before), but it somehow managed to lessen.... Things got easier. Chicken breast salad sandwiches.... Tortellini.... Burritos.... Even frozen meals.... And as the time went on, and the pregnancy got harder, the meals got worse and more frequent.... Pizzas being ordered, marie callendars chicken pot pies, (HORRIBLE for you by the way).... It just sucks. Jason complains that he always feels like crap because of how he eats and that makes me feel horrible, especially because I used to cook so much more when we were first together (and NOT pregnant).... You know.... Back when standing was possible.... Anyway.... Today, I decide to go to costco with mom, and pick up some groceries for the house... I'm cookin tonight! That's it! He's comin home and I'm gonna cook and he's gonna start feeling better if I can help it! Everything I do, I do with him in mind! Everything I buy, I buy with him in mind.... So back home we come with 115 bucks worth of stuff (which actually bought quite a bit this time!) Tonight.... Tonight was baked chicken (a whole one) and some red potatoes.... That's what was on the menu for dinner.... So I take out this whole chicken, gut it (which by the way took about 20 minutes for me to cough up the courage to do....) I finally ended up putting a plastic bag over my hand to removed the guts inside.... I cleaned it all out with cold water and then sprinkled some new seasoning all over the chicken, and inside that nasty thing and everything!!!! (If you know me really well, you know I absolutely HATE chicken on the bones!!!!) Anyway.... Seasoned the chicken, put it in the oven at 350, just as mom had said to do. She said you put it in for 20 minutes per lb (roughly), and keep checking on it. You don't even need to do anything else to it. Then make sure the thigh temp is 180 degrees. Easy enough, right? WRONG!!!! I do all of this.... 5 lb chicken.... An hour and 40 minutes.... Times up, chickens not even really turning any kind of brown.... So I cook it for a little while longer (all the while adding another item to my "mature" bday list.... A meat thermometer....) Ohhhh yeah!!! So I had the red potatoes from earlier today, and planned to put those in some butter with garlic salt and just fry those up....well my sister came over and decided to help.... Cut up the potatoes, and made them her way.... (Which didn't really give me the practice at all....) Nor was it the same way I was going to make them.... So jason comes home while we are waiting for the chicken to be done, and starts chowing down on the dip (brought to u by my sister).... Munches on some other snacks.... We check the chicken, which by now its been over 2 hours.... And still not looking ready to eat.... This just sucks. He goes downstairs to wash the jetta, because OH somewhere in my busy day, I found the time to sell the jetta. The lady and her daughter were on their way from IE to pick it up.... So he was washing it up, while I stilllll tried to figure out what the HELL was going on with my chicken!!!! The lady came, and I did all the paperwork with her, went over a bunch of stuff, and gave her the keys.... Came back inside, and now after waaaaaay too many hours of being cooked, the chicken still looks like crap, and doesn't look edible.... So jason and my sister have now chowed down some shrimp (also brought to you by melissa) and those red potatoes that she made.... That I wanted to make.... No one touched the chicken or really even bothered to give it a chance.... I admit, after their remarks, I didn't want to try it either, and I was actually looking forward to trying it originally.... Just not so positive remarks made me feel a bit.... Ohhhh I don't know what word I'm looking for.... So melissa goes home. Jasons done for the night (having eaten nooo chicken) and I, still haven't eaten a bite of anything.... Not even up to this very minute.... My stomach's growling and my eyes are all puffy (that's still the dyfunctional part).... The part that you try so hard to do the things that will make someone happy (especially someone you love a great deal, even though you suck at it, and have zero confidence, but try because you want to make it right and good?) Yeah.... I think its called something like.... "Expectations!!!!!".... That'd be the word!!!! Yeah... So you expect that you'll be appreciated for having made the attempt, and that someone will actually step up and try to make something of this chicken that you so desperately to make work.... But no one does.... The whole chicken still sits in the pan.... Untouched, but very much sliced in to....

So as everyone goes to bed, I go back into the kitchen to take one last look at this pathetic mess I'd hoped to call my tasty chicken.... I took a knife and with tears in my eyes, (clearly having a pity party alone in the kitchen) I began to cut up the chicken and put the pieces into a gallon ziploc baggy.... I turned the chicken and broke the bones off and under all the horrid looking lower half, I came to some wonderful white meat.... The breast!!!! It was cooked and not pink, and not dried out, and so I tasted it and it wasn't bad.... So I continued t load this chicken into the bag, and also continued to cry.... Feeling terribly underappreciated tonight and especially feeling upset that no one had even attempted to find this "golden chicken" with me.... So being narcissistic and actually only caring about my feelings tonight, I felt resentful. I felt resentful that I tried to do multiple good, productive (selling the jetta, that hasn't even been posted for a week), things like: going grocery shopping, attempting to cook, blah blah blah. Making us a good amount of cash.... Still no one seemed to care in any amount tonight.... And tonight.... Well tonight, I'd just had enough.

Oh yeah, and p.s. My pain level's about a 7.5.... Which isn't helping the SLIGHTEST bit!!!! In fact it probably makes me want to hurt someone.... well not really. Originally all I wanted to do was to show love and appreciation and all that was MAJORLY shut down....


Needless to say, there is a gallon bag of pulled chicken in the fridge (probably actually worth giving a shot), a container of some onion dip.... A dishwasher (and one side of the sink) full of dishes.... I have puffy eyes, and am trying to get over feeling resentful, and a stomach that's growling pretty intensely....

Other than that, I think I'm good. Oh yeah, I didn't even mention that I cleaned off the patio... No, SCRUBBED it with soap and water....


And tomorrows my bday, which by the way, I said I didn't really have any ideas in mind of what I'd like to do, so that somehow turns in to us not doing anything except favors for other people, which normally I wouldn't mind doing, but not when they aren't appreciated, nor are they reciprocated.... Oh wow! Just typing that out made a huge wave of resentments surface.... Holy crap! I really am still majorly dysfunctional and it's not just my pelvic bone that's messed up either, its ME!!!!


Well, off to go be pissed!!! Way to bring in my bday, eh?