a must read.... (continued from yesterday)

this is continued from yesterday's completely confusing thoughts that were leading to a point of rambling because i could not gather my thoughts for the life of me.... but here goes anyway.... please read it all the way through.

jason and i have had many discussions about this.... the whole facebook, myspace, computer, and cell phone thing.... i guess my initial reaction was to get defensive, because he HATED the computer.... i ACTUALLY started a draft about this from yesterday or the day before (about the exact same thing). it just puts your life out in the open.... and for some that can be good, for others not so good. i think more often than not, it's really not beneficial unless maybe if you're single.... i was single. before jason, my heart was single. no one filled that void. i was a single mom, and i felt lonely and like there was so much missing from my life. i lived through my computer. i kept in touch with the outside life through myspace and facebook and texting.... i woke up early, got taylor ready, took her to school, worked until 6, rushed over to pick her up, brought her home, ate dinner, did homework, got her bathed, read and put her to bed, only to be so incredibly exhausted to even THINK about doing anything else.... but then i'd get in bed after my shower, and then just lie there.... thinking about my day..... what did i do? how was work? what issues were going on at work? how was i going to fix them? why am i thinking about work? i'm at home. yeah that's right. i'm home. alone. no one here to hold me. or comfort me or ask me how MY day was.... it was a vicious cycle, and quite honestly a pity party for a lonely soul. little did i know that no one coming along would fulfill my lonely heart.... no one except myself.... and then when my heart was content, i could share it with someone else....

here i go, again, i guess putting myself out there to some extent.... but it's for a bit of a different reason.... this isn't so anyone can look at me and say "awwww, how sad." or "wow, she's so lucky." NOTHING like that. this is for those many people who find themselves doing the same exact thing....

WHY, when we have relationships, or even when we don't, do we find ourselves so wrapped up in EVERYTHING outside of the present moment we are in? why do we find it so amusing checking people's facebook status' and current moods and comments and all that? i got it before. i was empty and lonely and used it as my connection to focus on everyone else BUT myself....

even going out on the weekend with a few friends didn't satisfy me. it was never satisfying.... i'd come home, go to sleep, wake up the next morning and still feel lonely, in fact it was worse. i'd feel lonely AND guilty. guilty for having had taylor spend the night at nana and poppa's house while i went out with friends.... and then i'd feel so horribly guilty all day, that my mood would be worse, and then i'd feel like i was in SUCH a horrible mood by the end of the day someone would invite me out to cheer me up, and i'd feel so down, that i'd do the same exact thing.... i get how easy it is to get stuck in this vicious cycle, but it's a stupid one.... just like it is to be on the computer so much.

now, being at home with the baby, i find myself bored.... i find myself, STILL, out of touch with the "real world." (not consciously, of course, but maybe subconsciously....).... i feel like i just want to relate, interact with someone SOMEONE who is possibly as bored or amused by the same things that i am.... does that even make any sense?

i read a friends blog about the same thing, and just found it kind of funny how we both came up with this at the same time.... had the same thoughts and feelings about it...

i long to, (with a PASSION), change people's thought process.... not just CHANGE people... but REALLY get into their hearts and make them acknowledge their TRUE desires.... like "what's your ultimate WANT in this world?" i don't believe that it's to sit there and waste away your days reading about someone else's nonsense.... i highly doubt that if you REALLY sat down and made a "life's goals" list that spending half of your day (or more) on facebook is on there.... i bet it's more like "love the ones your with." "raise happy healthy children." "never take your partner/spouse for granted." "have a good job, making good money, while still spending time with your family." "teach your children everything they'll need to know to make it in this world without you." "be happy." "travel somewhere other than here and enjoy it." "give your children wonderful memories." "have enough time to volunteer for a cause that you think is worth fighting for." "thank a soldier for fighting for our freedom." "live to do what you were put here to do.... something good...."

my list can go on and on and on.... point is, that instead of passive aggressively trying to post messages on your status with the intent of "someone" trying to read it, look inward at your present situation.... i've wasted plenty of time dwelling on things that have NO impact or any level of importance to where i am at PRESENTLY.... and i think everyone should do the same.

don't get me wrong, you'll find me on my blogger, VENTING constantly.... sharing thoughts constantly.... most of the time, i get on here so that i don't have to call someone (usually jason) and interrupt his day to talk his ear off about my horrible day of Lewie screaming his little head off, and how i can't do it. i can't stay home and listen to him scream all day..... or how inadequate i feel as a mother of two.... feeling like i can't find balance for the life of me.... and by the responses i had received, everyone finds the humor in that. i love that! i love letting people know that they are not alone.... by any and ALL means, NO ONE IS ALONE in what they are feeling.... my point is that the way you feel is ultimately your choice.... i say this time and time again.... you cannot control the outcome.... all you can do is control your actions.... if you want to act a fool, and act on raw emotions (which i still sometimes get the urge to do) then go ahead and do it.... and maybe after making the same mistake 13387564 times (and feeling like a complete idiot the next day or so), you'll learn that maybe you should FIGHT THE URGE!!!!! don't say something stupid in the heat of your irrational thoughts.... walk away from the computer, or your phone or your spouse.... go on a walk. go sit in starbucks (okay, so maybe i'm the only one who does that).... but being out in public, around other people, around smiles, around trees, around something other than myself is something that ALWAYS helps me... it helps pull me back into reality that life isn't ONLY about ME.... it's a fantastic feeling to go for a walk, come back and feel refreshed.... feel almost cleansed (for lack of a better word).... those horrible feelings and thoughts and urges to react in a foolish way, find themselves elsewhere.... with the birds..... and far away from you.

it's just food for thought, i guess this just sort of continued from yesterday's blog where my thoughts were lost, but then refound after reading stephani's blog about the same exact thing....

again, everyone who knows me, knows that one of my most important goals in this lifetime is to change someone's life.... for the better.... i want someone else to see and UNDERSTAND this concept.... i want people to agree with and join me in my journey to change people's lives.... get them thinking and feeling more optimistically....

Thank God for the mood, falling in love, music, hope, wonder, ferris wheels, dreams, kitchen tables, romance, memories, families, miracles, friends, heroes and all the times of our lives....

to many more smiles and making many more happy memories.... to raising happy, healthy, optimistic children.... to our happy future together.... cheers. =)