Sweet Baby Cailey Anna.

October 11th, 2010, sweet Baby Cailey Anna was born to Natalie and Greg. She was born at a birthing center and was not breathing when she came out. An ambulance was called and she was taken to a nearby hospital and then later transferred to another hospital that was better equipped for this sweet girl. Breaks my heart.... really and truly. however, on the other hand, the amount of faith that Greg and Natalie have, is BEYOND inspiring.... (Natalie and I went to high school together, that is how I know her, i'm sure you're wondering....)

Here is one of their first family photos.... all 3 of them.

Natalie giving Cailey her first bath....
and sweet baby Cailey Anna, after her first bath.... look at her beautiful auburn hair! sweet baby girl...
They have had her on a "cold" treatment, where they've kept her body temperature very low for the first 72 hours to reduce swelling and prevent further damage and swelling. Yesterday, they started raising her temperature again, half a degree an hour, and performed an EEG (to monitor her brain activity) last night. No information yet on those results, and the doctors are not too hopeful, however we are still praying for a miracle. Please keep Baby Cailey Anna, Greg and Natalie in your prayers.

Here is a video of daddy (Greg) playing the guitar for their sweet baby girl.... (grab your tissues)

She has a facebook page with all of her updates. Her family is just amazing and i think the 400+ followers in just over a day proves it!

Lew's New Do...

So after 14 (almost 15) months of growing his hair out, jason finally decided it was time to cut Lewie's hair.... (he says it's bad luck to cut their hair before they're 1.... not a huge deal to me, so we waited)....

until people started asking how old "she" was....

so into the little shop we go....

Lewie wasn't entirely sure about this whole thing....

he had some pretty sweet curls....
and an even sweeter comb-over....
so it was time....
reason 7,564,847,565,738,384, why i love my husband so much.... he is an AMAZING daddy. (notice his face, trying to entertain Lewie)
Lewie had to WATCH the lady while she cut his hair.... (notice stud in the background... hubba hubba. i mean hubby, hubby) ;)
i'm pretty sure i made some really annoying noise to get him to look at the camera. or i asked him if he wanted a bite or something.... (he really likes food)
i LOVE his big ol' head.... he now has a hairline on his neck!!! just like daddy!
she's blowdrying his hair....
"daddy said i look like Jimmy Neutron."

"so i got kind of upset about it."
"then Mom told me Jimmy Neutron was really cool."

Happy first haircut Lew! You look like a new man!!!

fun.

Lucky for me, my younger sister happens to kind of love her niece and nephew, so she offered to watch them so that Jason and I could get out for a night together. Saturday night, we didn't know WHAT we were going to do, but we knew we were going to start with dinner. and ended up with SUUUUSHI!!!!! my favorite!!!

poor jason. he really hates taking pictures, but that's just too bad. i don't ever want to look back and not have taken any of us together. besides, he's so handsome! ;) (even though Tuety said he looks constipated here.... i still think he's handsome!)

Sunday was SUCH a beautiful day.... well, actually it was blazing hot.... and over 100 degrees at our house, so we loaded up the truck with the beach toys, surfboard, towels, cooler and headed down to the beach with the kiddos. they LOVE getting outside. After driving around for a very long time and not finding parking, we ended up an at entirely different beach, parking across the street and jaywalking to finally get to our destination for the day....

Lewie just started standing up without holding onto anything, and he thinks he's SUPER cool when he does this... kinda cracks me up.... you know, i really pushed Taylor to walk, and encouraged it and all that jazz, and besides the fact that girls just learn faster than boys, I really haven't pushed much at all for Lewie to walk. For what? he has his whole life to walk, and run, and fall and get into stuff.... why do i want to encourage that? you see that look? you think he's gonna stay out of trouble? heck no!


i absolutely LOVE his chunky little body.... it cracks me up!

he caught me taking a picture of him about to stand up.... he is looking more and more like a little boy (and like his daddy as a baby) i love it!

jason snapped a shot of us playing in the water.... Lewie LOVES the water and i just KNOW he'll be out there surfing with daddy in no time!!!

my beach boys.... so handsome. i just love them!

my crazy daughter who couldn't keep her eyes open for a picture if her life depended on it. for this one, we did the whole, "close your eyes and on the count of three open them." i hope she'll get out there and surf with jason soon too, however she is deathly afraid of the water.... we'll seeeeeee....

here's to many more wonderful memories as a family.... =)

the chronicles of getting to know yourself.... at 27....

so today, i sat in my therapist's office like a big ball of freakin sap.

i just sat there crying my eyes out.

i wish i could say something like "oh it's probably because i'm going to start my period," or something, but really, i'd be lying....

i'm not terribly unhappy.

i don't even think that calling it "UN-happy" would be labeling it correctly... because i'm more happy than i am UN-happy....

i think....

right?

maybe?

no?

okay....

i have a lot of optimism in my heart....

i ACT on more optimism than i do pessimism....

if i can help, chances are i will....

i'll spend the extra time talking to someone who i think needs it rather than studying (like i should)....

however, over the past few years, i've changed.

and i guess i'm not entirely sure i was content with the change, until lately....

i like the change, but it's different.

it's REALLY different and i feel selfish.

and so every single day, i battle these (almost) demons that make me think i'm being selfish.

i have absolutely LOVED helping people....

until lately,

i think about what makes me happy.

ask me any other time in my life and i would have said, "helping other people makes me happy."

have you read my about me?

it says that i'd like to raise happy healthy children.

well let me just tell you, that raising happy healthy children doesn't "just happen."

for a long time, i thought i'd had it made.

that taylor was going to be good, and that it didn't require a WHOLE lot of effort, because she was just "good."

and then the little attitude slowly creeps in....

and there's another one to look after....

and a husband....

and, for Heaven's sake, MYSELF to look after....

who would have thought?!

there is MYSELF to look after.

i haven't ever really, truly nurtured myself....

i've been selfish, sure.

but being selfish isn't nurturing one's self.

taking drugs is selfish (i haven't ever done drugs, however that's still selfish and NOT considered nurturing yourself)....

i've never been given the opportunity to do WHATEVER i want, with support, and actually known what to do with myself.

hell, 27 years later, i still don't know what to do with myself, but i'm learning, rather quickly, what works and what doesn't.

i'll tell you what doesn't work:

-me, overextending myself for people who aren't in a give and take relationship with me....

i've done this for many MANY years.... give give give give. and no, i'm not a saint. i am not looking for pity here, not even a little bit. i have probably been this leech to my mother and stepfather for years as well. i KNOW they are dependable. they usually have sound advice. they will never turn their back on me. this, i know.... they, for most of my life, have been my "go-to" people.

and then there was jason.

you all know this.

he is my "go-to" person now, however, with Jason, there are a lot more options....

he's pretty much left everything up to me to decide....

not initially, however.

he had some control issues, and probably still has the tendencies, but in all seriousness, I make most of the decisions....

we consult each other, but his response is always something like, "whatever you think, honey. you know what you're doing mama."

WHAT?!

i'm so used to being given "the right" thing to do....

and then doing it,

and then if it doesn't turn out right, subconsciously i can blame someone else in my head for it not working out....

or i can at least think to myself, "well, that's what they said i should do, so i did it because they told me to."

and not so much lately....

if something is an epic failure, it's because of a decision i've made.

and that's hard, but then we deal with it at that point.

i'm battling these things now.... like i've said.

i'm 27 years old and still don't know what the hell i want to do.

i've wanted to become a nurse.

but right now, i'm not so sure....

but i don't want to make such a critical decision as to quit my classes and schooling for nursing, because i'm actually doing pretty well.... and well, because i told myself (and everyone else) that i was going to finish this time.

so i'd like to at least do that.

i'd like to at least get through it all.... have the degree and license and then decide from there.

do you really care to know my fears of becoming a nurse?

probably not. (if so, let me know, i'll gladly share)....

so as i sat there in my therapist's office, with lewie crawling around the room, throwing his ball, and laughing, as i cried,

i wondered HOW in the world i had ended up right here....

at this point....

of having been SO incredibly certain of knowing where i wanted to be,

and then all of a sudden having no idea,

and doubting everything all over again.

(not my marriage, just what i was doing in my life)....

i'd wondered how i'd been so sure i would make such a fantastic nurse,

and then wondering if i'd just flat out suck and end up killing someone from a stupid mistake....

i don't know where my life is going....

i don't know where we'll live when our lease is up next year.

i don't know when i'll finish school,

and what kind of nurse i'll make.

i don't know if i'll ever get a paid gig to write anything,

or if i'll ever impact someone's life in a positive way, the way i've always dreamed....

i don't know what the hell i'm going to be when i grow up,

but i DO know that the daily wonders are just that....

they're wonders....

but the wonders can't stop me from dreaming....

and the dreaming can't stop me from producing,

and the producing can't stop me from achieving,

and the achieving can't stop me from dreaming all over again....

so where do i go from here?

Steph wanted to know.... so here it is. =)

i'm sorry i lagged Steph!!! Stephanie from "All Because Two People Fell in Love" tagged me in this, and so here I go.

1. If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?
There are soooo many places I'd love to visit. I'd especially love to visit places with warm weather, and good surf (for Jason).... and when the kids get older, I'd love to be able to take them and give them wonderful memories as well. Anywhere with wonderful warm weather, good surf and somewhere relaxing for me to watch him! :)

2. Which do you like better, cooking or baking?

baking. i LOVE sweets!!!! especially brownies and chocolate chip cookies!! YUM!

3. What type of music do you listen to?
i seriously listen to everything. i love country music and then people/groups like coldplay, john mayer, train, ub40, beach boys. oh man, this list can go on and on....

4. What's your favorite holiday?
i love 4th of july. it's usually awesome weather, a day after my birthday, full of swimming, family, patriotism, bbqing, and lots of good times.

5. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
extrovert, maybe? haha.

6. Are you excited for fall? If so, what do you love most about the season?
i'm not entirely excited about fall. i don't like wearing actual shoes other than flip flops. i don't like being stuck inside if the weather's cold. i don't drink hot drinks, EVER, because i always burn my tongue.... so cold drinks on a cold day aren't as satisfying, school is JUST beginning. HOWEVER, what i DO like about fall is that it's inching closer to Christmas.... and our anniversary!!!! =)

7. What websites do you frequent most often?
Facebook and blogger. hands down.

8. What is your favorite childhood memory?
i'm not entirely sure. how boring, right? vacations with our family.... halloween and my mom dressing us up and taking us trick or treating for miles and miles until we couldn't carry our candy anymore because our bags were soooo heavy!!

orrrrrrrr, my other favorite childhood memory.... the moment i laid eyes on jason.... who is now my husband! woo!! hhahaha. okay that was really cheesy, but i do still remember it!! =)

back to the beginning. pt. 3

part 1.

part 2.

that was our conversation.

she comes up and is just ECSTATIC about her new present!!!!

"mom!!!! Look at what Dad got me!!!! he got me an iHome alarm clock for my iPod!!!!! it's JUST what i wanted!!!!!!"

she went on and on even after she came in the house, and i was excited for her (externally), and then just pisssssssed inside....

and then i started battling those demons....

"ashley, be happy for your freakin daughter," i kept telling myself. "MY GOSH! it's her birthday! she got a present that she REALLY wanted!!!!" I'd say....

and then she'd make a comment like, "i can't believe he spent THAT much money on me! this is like best present EVER!"

and then my insides would turn a little bit more and i felt like saying, "and how the hell do you think he knew that is what you wanted, Taylor? is it because he called? NO! it's because i told him that you wanted it.... he's not a freaking hero..... he's lazy.... he just called yesterday to see what he should get you...."

i know.... i know....

how.

freaking.

awful.

right?

i didn't say any of that, but i thought it.... and then i felt HORRIBLY guilty for thinking it....

i just HATED him.

i just HATED the fact that he doesn't do the day to day....

he doesn't deal with the day to day.

the birthday lists.

the window shopping to make the list.

the browsing the internet to make the list.

he doesn't deal with the messy bathrooms,

the homework,

the classroom treats to celebrate her day.

he doesn't deal with the invitations and the birthday party planning.

he doesn't deal with the complaining,

the not eating of her vegetables....

he doesn't do her laundry,

or double check to ensure she's brushed her teeth.

he doesn't fight the battle of her not wanting to shower every night.

he doesn't set his alarm early to make sure she's awake and not getting ready by herself in the morning....

he doesn't iron her clothes,

or fix her hair everyday.....

he.

doesn't.

do.

shit.

he doesn't know.

he doesn't know what being a parent is like.

what raising a child entails.... (<---- i don't even know if that sentence makes sense or not, but you get the idea)....

he doesn't know what the hell it takes to raise a child....

hell, i've been in therapy for years, and i STILL don't know what i'm doing....

but he is NOT a freakin hero, and as much as i don't want to bad mouth him, i don't want her to have a false perception of what her "dad" is....

shame on me, i know.

trust me.

i already beat myself up for it for the past, almost, week.....

i shouldn't feel like that, and those are my issues and not hers and blah blah blah.

i get it.

sort of.....

so, i'm sure you're TOTALLY confused as to how these stories are connected.... right?

you probably just think i'm all over the place, which i am.

i won't lie....

i'm crazy nuts.

however, my point is this....

there was something, something, crazy amazing and dysfunctional that attracted me to him at that point in my life....

it was the same draw that led me into the medical field,

this desire to "save" people....

at ANY cost....

even if it meant, i neglected myself, and taylor's feelings.

i knew she was in good hands with my mom and pat and my grandma while i worked....

while i worked,

to fulfill this crazy void inside me....

the void was soooo huge, that helping other people was easier than helping myself....

back to the beginning. pt. 2

back to the beginning part 1.

i stuck my finger into the cooling vick's vapor rub and stuck some up my nostrils.

i know i could have gotten into trouble,

but if i was going back in there,

then that vapor rub was going back up my nostrils, because the awful stench was just mind boggling.... (shelbie, you can help me out at any time here.... )

i cannot even begin to try to explain what that place smelled like, but let me tell you that smelling a bum, was near heaven compared to the smell of this place.

and by bum, i mean hobo, not buttcheeks.

anyway.... the things that i did back then.... were beyond anything i could have ever dreamed of doing to help people.... helping people led me to want to help more.

and then more.

and then even more.

things progressed quickly.

and before i knew it, i was in oncology.

you already know all my stories from oncology....

they tugged my heart strings EVERY. single. day.

it was a love/hate relationship, but it had to be done.

sooooooooo, bringing you back to present day.

life is entirely different than it was back then.

IIIII am entirely different than i was back then.

sometimes i think that i am still the very same person,

but i KNOW i'm not.

my situation is entirely different.

and this is where my problem arises....

THESE are the demons i've been battling for a while....

i go back and forth on them, and i'm just torn.

so here goes.

i was 19 when taylor was born.

there was SO much work to be done internally....

i loved taylor,

but i didn't love myself, completely.

i was a pleaser.

still have these tendencies, sometimes.

i care about people's feelings.

that doesn't change.

i don't want to NOT care about people's feelings,

but often, i've let it take over my entire life.

when i worked in Oncology,

it ran my life instead of ME running my life.

although i felt an immeasurable amount of pleasure and satisfaction helping people everyday, i felt such a heavy load of emotions.

it's why i left the first time.

i knew that it was consuming me.

nearly eating me whole.

now, i have the opportunity to not work.

i don't have to do anything, if i didn't want to.

but that's too easy for me.

i can't NOT do anything....

(however, people who have NOT stayed home with children as their full time job, please do NOT dismiss this as "lucky" and "easy")

it is FAR from easy....

sure you can run your own schedule, but you've got to be productive to feel any ounce of reward (personally speaking)....

sure i can sit here all day and read to lewie and leave and take him to the park and swing him on the swings, and pack a picnic and all that joyous stuff that sounds so fun, but EVERY.THING else would suffer....

sooooooo, i can't do that.

instead i decided that for sanity, i'd pick up a part time job, a few nights a week, slangin (coffee) drinks at a local (coffee) bar.

i decided that taking classes would be a fantastic idea.

and that i could study while lewie slept and then again after everyone else went to sleep.

i decided that i would volunteer to write taylor's school's newsletter, because, well, i LOVE writing, and i've never been given an opportunity to write for a cause, other than to bore you poor people to death.....

and since i can't stand sitting in a classroom with everyone's children, (and because i have a 13 month old of my own to watch all day), i wanted to help in some other (not so) little way.

so the other day, i got into this horrible FUNK.

i could tell you WHEN it started, but i'd sound like a lousy person....

BUUUUUUT, i DID say i wasn't going to hold back, didn't i?

okay, so here goes. and after you read this, you can just pretend you never read it.... because i don't LIKE to badmouth people, and i will try not to do it often, but this.... THIS just got under my skin....

so Taylor's "dad" began texting me about a week before taylor's birthday, asking what she wanted. taylor had a list made. i told him a few things off of the list. he ignored that. a few days went by....

he called the night before her first day of school to tell her that he would call her first thing in the morning and before she had class.... then after they got off the phone, he text messaged me that he was going to call her before her class started. i HEARD her tell him that her school started at 745 am. the next morning, he didn't call.... which is fine. whatever. then the rest of the day went on, he never called.....

a few more days go by and he texts and asks what she wants for her birthday again, this time giving the max amount he'd like to spend. i didn't respond. maybe i should have, but i didn't. he has our house number. he could call her and ask her. i asked her if there was anything else she had wanted.... she had her list made. she was set on her things, and said there really wasn't anything else she could think of....

so then, he calls.... a few times.... and the guilt starts setting in.... her birthday is getting closer and he doesn't know what to get her.... and if i don't tell him what she wants, then she isn't going to get something that she REALLY wants.... and so i answered after a few calls. and gave him a suggestion which was one of the presents jason and i thought about getting her, but i figured we could just pick another one, because this one fit into HIS budget....

i told him where he could find it and that it was on sale if he got it now.

i told him the color she wanted and everything.

and for a moment, i felt happy that taylor was going to get something off of her list that she really wanted.... i felt almost an instant satisfaction.

and then.... THEN, our conversation goes on.

he asks if he can pick her up and when it would work for us....

i asked "when did you want to pick her up?"

he goes on about how he has to study and do homework for class, and that if he picks her up this weekend, then it can only be for a few hours, so he'd pick her up saturday for a few hours to take her to a "birthday lunch."

sounds great, right?

well, it wasn't.

he picked her up from jason while i was working, which is totally fine.

and i am SO grateful that my husband is SO understanding and has no problem doing this....

he picks taylor up with his girlfriend, which is totally fine, except that instead of going to lunch, they go to watch his girlfriend's nephew (who taylor hasn't ever met), play soccer at some park by our house....

fun for taylor, right?

sorry, i know that life doesn't ALWAYS have to be fun, but holy crap! is it EVER about her???

so he brings her home a few hours later, and i'm home now.....

he walks her up to the door and says "she just ate right now."

"okay. thanks."

"bye."

"bye."

that was our conversation.

that was it.... at least for that moment....