Tuesday, September 14, 2010

back to the beginning. pt. 3




that was our conversation.

she comes up and is just ECSTATIC about her new present!!!!
"mom!!!! Look at what Dad got me!!!! he got me an iHome alarm clock for my iPod!!!!! it's JUST what i wanted!!!!!!"

she went on and on even after she came in the house, and i was excited for her (externally), and then just pisssssssed inside....
and then i started battling those demons....
"ashley, be happy for your freakin daughter," i kept telling myself. "MY GOSH! it's her birthday! she got a present that she REALLY wanted!!!!" I'd say....

and then she'd make a comment like, "i can't believe he spent THAT much money on me! this is like best present EVER!"

and then my insides would turn a little bit more and i felt like saying, "and how the hell do you think he knew that is what you wanted, Taylor? is it because he called? NO! it's because i told him that you wanted it.... he's not a freaking hero..... he's lazy.... he just called yesterday to see what he should get you...."

i know.... i know....

how.
freaking.
awful.
right?

i didn't say any of that, but i thought it.... and then i felt HORRIBLY guilty for thinking it....
i just HATED him.
i just HATED the fact that he doesn't do the day to day....
he doesn't deal with the day to day.
the birthday lists.
the window shopping to make the list.
the browsing the internet to make the list.
he doesn't deal with the messy bathrooms,
the homework,
the classroom treats to celebrate her day.
he doesn't deal with the invitations and the birthday party planning.
he doesn't deal with the complaining,
the not eating of her vegetables....
he doesn't do her laundry,
or double check to ensure she's brushed her teeth.
he doesn't fight the battle of her not wanting to shower every night.
he doesn't set his alarm early to make sure she's awake and not getting ready by herself in the morning....
he doesn't iron her clothes,
or fix her hair everyday.....

he.
doesn't.
do.
shit.

he doesn't know.

he doesn't know what being a parent is like.
what raising a child entails.... (<---- i don't even know if that sentence makes sense or not, but you get the idea)....
he doesn't know what the hell it takes to raise a child....
hell, i've been in therapy for years, and i STILL don't know what i'm doing....
but he is NOT a freakin hero, and as much as i don't want to bad mouth him, i don't want her to have a false perception of what her "dad" is....

shame on me, i know.
trust me.
i already beat myself up for it for the past, almost, week.....

i shouldn't feel like that, and those are my issues and not hers and blah blah blah.
i get it.
sort of.....

so, i'm sure you're TOTALLY confused as to how these stories are connected.... right?
you probably just think i'm all over the place, which i am.
i won't lie....
i'm crazy nuts.

however, my point is this....

there was something, something, crazy amazing and dysfunctional that attracted me to him at that point in my life....

it was the same draw that led me into the medical field,
this desire to "save" people....
at ANY cost....
even if it meant, i neglected myself, and taylor's feelings.
i knew she was in good hands with my mom and pat and my grandma while i worked....
while i worked,
to fulfill this crazy void inside me....
the void was soooo huge, that helping other people was easier than helping myself....

4 comments:

DL Hammons said...

A suggestion...print out this post and put it away somewhere safe. Someday your daughter will be ready to know the truth, and will actually need to hear it, and thats when you'll pull this out and show it to her. I'm guessing there will be quite a few more just like this one by then.

You are a good person...and did the right thing!

buymebarbies said...

AHHHHH, DL Hammons hit it right on the head. Kids don't realize when they are little, how much effort is put forth on them, until they have their own to put fort much effort on. I'm right there with you. As much as you want to bad mouth to them, it's not a good thing. You and I talk now about the truth, but you wouldn't have understood back then. It would've complicated things and made you feel bad toward him or even me!! It really sucked when I found out he was bad mouthing me though, I must admit!! So all I could do was deal with him behind the scenes and not drag you girls into the picture (as much as possible). It's very tough to see them worship the deadbeat parent as a hero!! But the truth will come out in the end of who was there for all the tears, sickness', and health, day in and day out. It will pay off, well for most, it will pay off!!! LOL, Love you!!

baygirl32 said...

Sometimes its harder to stay quiet than to talk. Its been my experience that as she gets older, she will see things the way they are, and know it was you all along.

Anonymous said...

I always say, if my divorce has taught my anything, it's to be a good tounge biter! I feel ya! When my son is old enough I can come clean and tell him I was lying to him all those times I said he had "such a good daddy".