Tuesday, September 14, 2010

back to the beginning. pt. 2

back to the beginning part 1.

i stuck my finger into the cooling vick's vapor rub and stuck some up my nostrils.
i know i could have gotten into trouble,
but if i was going back in there,
then that vapor rub was going back up my nostrils, because the awful stench was just mind boggling.... (shelbie, you can help me out at any time here.... )

i cannot even begin to try to explain what that place smelled like, but let me tell you that smelling a bum, was near heaven compared to the smell of this place.
and by bum, i mean hobo, not buttcheeks.

anyway.... the things that i did back then.... were beyond anything i could have ever dreamed of doing to help people.... helping people led me to want to help more.
and then more.
and then even more.
things progressed quickly.
and before i knew it, i was in oncology.
you already know all my stories from oncology....
they tugged my heart strings EVERY. single. day.
it was a love/hate relationship, but it had to be done.

sooooooooo, bringing you back to present day.
life is entirely different than it was back then.
IIIII am entirely different than i was back then.
sometimes i think that i am still the very same person,
but i KNOW i'm not.
my situation is entirely different.
and this is where my problem arises....
THESE are the demons i've been battling for a while....
i go back and forth on them, and i'm just torn.

so here goes.

i was 19 when taylor was born.
there was SO much work to be done internally....
i loved taylor,
but i didn't love myself, completely.
i was a pleaser.
still have these tendencies, sometimes.
i care about people's feelings.
that doesn't change.
i don't want to NOT care about people's feelings,
but often, i've let it take over my entire life.
when i worked in Oncology,
it ran my life instead of ME running my life.
although i felt an immeasurable amount of pleasure and satisfaction helping people everyday, i felt such a heavy load of emotions.
it's why i left the first time.
i knew that it was consuming me.
nearly eating me whole.

now, i have the opportunity to not work.
i don't have to do anything, if i didn't want to.
but that's too easy for me.
i can't NOT do anything....
(however, people who have NOT stayed home with children as their full time job, please do NOT dismiss this as "lucky" and "easy")
it is FAR from easy....
sure you can run your own schedule, but you've got to be productive to feel any ounce of reward (personally speaking)....
sure i can sit here all day and read to lewie and leave and take him to the park and swing him on the swings, and pack a picnic and all that joyous stuff that sounds so fun, but EVERY.THING else would suffer....
sooooooo, i can't do that.
instead i decided that for sanity, i'd pick up a part time job, a few nights a week, slangin (coffee) drinks at a local (coffee) bar.
i decided that taking classes would be a fantastic idea.
and that i could study while lewie slept and then again after everyone else went to sleep.
i decided that i would volunteer to write taylor's school's newsletter, because, well, i LOVE writing, and i've never been given an opportunity to write for a cause, other than to bore you poor people to death.....
and since i can't stand sitting in a classroom with everyone's children, (and because i have a 13 month old of my own to watch all day), i wanted to help in some other (not so) little way.

so the other day, i got into this horrible FUNK.
i could tell you WHEN it started, but i'd sound like a lousy person....
BUUUUUUT, i DID say i wasn't going to hold back, didn't i?

okay, so here goes. and after you read this, you can just pretend you never read it.... because i don't LIKE to badmouth people, and i will try not to do it often, but this.... THIS just got under my skin....

so Taylor's "dad" began texting me about a week before taylor's birthday, asking what she wanted. taylor had a list made. i told him a few things off of the list. he ignored that. a few days went by....

he called the night before her first day of school to tell her that he would call her first thing in the morning and before she had class.... then after they got off the phone, he text messaged me that he was going to call her before her class started. i HEARD her tell him that her school started at 745 am. the next morning, he didn't call.... which is fine. whatever. then the rest of the day went on, he never called.....

a few more days go by and he texts and asks what she wants for her birthday again, this time giving the max amount he'd like to spend. i didn't respond. maybe i should have, but i didn't. he has our house number. he could call her and ask her. i asked her if there was anything else she had wanted.... she had her list made. she was set on her things, and said there really wasn't anything else she could think of....

so then, he calls.... a few times.... and the guilt starts setting in.... her birthday is getting closer and he doesn't know what to get her.... and if i don't tell him what she wants, then she isn't going to get something that she REALLY wants.... and so i answered after a few calls. and gave him a suggestion which was one of the presents jason and i thought about getting her, but i figured we could just pick another one, because this one fit into HIS budget....

i told him where he could find it and that it was on sale if he got it now.
i told him the color she wanted and everything.
and for a moment, i felt happy that taylor was going to get something off of her list that she really wanted.... i felt almost an instant satisfaction.
and then.... THEN, our conversation goes on.
he asks if he can pick her up and when it would work for us....
i asked "when did you want to pick her up?"
he goes on about how he has to study and do homework for class, and that if he picks her up this weekend, then it can only be for a few hours, so he'd pick her up saturday for a few hours to take her to a "birthday lunch."

sounds great, right?

well, it wasn't.
he picked her up from jason while i was working, which is totally fine.
and i am SO grateful that my husband is SO understanding and has no problem doing this....
he picks taylor up with his girlfriend, which is totally fine, except that instead of going to lunch, they go to watch his girlfriend's nephew (who taylor hasn't ever met), play soccer at some park by our house....

fun for taylor, right?
sorry, i know that life doesn't ALWAYS have to be fun, but holy crap! is it EVER about her???

so he brings her home a few hours later, and i'm home now.....
he walks her up to the door and says "she just ate right now."
"okay. thanks."

that was our conversation.

that was it.... at least for that moment....


Anonymous said...

O man! Reading that about her dad brings up bad emotions that I experience on a daily basis with my son's DBD (dead beat dad). I totally know how you feel.

Copyboy said...

Ugh, empty promises to a kid is rough.

buymebarbies said...

AWW, sorry Ash you have to relive your childhood!!! Hopefully she didn't have to listen to him bash you and tell her what a horrible mom you were! I think the emotions that you feel toward him are a reflection of your childhood and you are A.W.E.S.O.M.E. at keeping that in mind, as not to exaggerate the actions based on your emotions!! It doesn't mean that you don't feel them, you just mask them, which is what this post is all about right? Love you!!!

buymebarbies said...

It's not about the money, it's about the quality time, the feelings and emotions, it's about spending time with them so they know you care. What's the old saying, "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!" Nothing can be more true. I'm sorry Ash, T will get through it, just like you did because she has you to guide her.

Bossy Betty said...

SO glad your daughter has you in her life. I know it must hurt and you want to protect your kids so much...