Monday, September 27, 2010

the chronicles of getting to know yourself.... at 27....

so today, i sat in my therapist's office like a big ball of freakin sap.
i just sat there crying my eyes out.
i wish i could say something like "oh it's probably because i'm going to start my period," or something, but really, i'd be lying....
i'm not terribly unhappy.
i don't even think that calling it "UN-happy" would be labeling it correctly... because i'm more happy than i am UN-happy....
i think....
right?
maybe?
no?
okay....
i have a lot of optimism in my heart....
i ACT on more optimism than i do pessimism....
if i can help, chances are i will....
i'll spend the extra time talking to someone who i think needs it rather than studying (like i should)....

however, over the past few years, i've changed.
and i guess i'm not entirely sure i was content with the change, until lately....
i like the change, but it's different.
it's REALLY different and i feel selfish.
and so every single day, i battle these (almost) demons that make me think i'm being selfish.
i have absolutely LOVED helping people....
until lately,
i think about what makes me happy.
ask me any other time in my life and i would have said, "helping other people makes me happy."

have you read my about me?
it says that i'd like to raise happy healthy children.
well let me just tell you, that raising happy healthy children doesn't "just happen."
for a long time, i thought i'd had it made.
that taylor was going to be good, and that it didn't require a WHOLE lot of effort, because she was just "good."
and then the little attitude slowly creeps in....
and there's another one to look after....
and a husband....
and, for Heaven's sake, MYSELF to look after....
who would have thought?!
there is MYSELF to look after.
i haven't ever really, truly nurtured myself....
i've been selfish, sure.
but being selfish isn't nurturing one's self.
taking drugs is selfish (i haven't ever done drugs, however that's still selfish and NOT considered nurturing yourself)....
i've never been given the opportunity to do WHATEVER i want, with support, and actually known what to do with myself.
hell, 27 years later, i still don't know what to do with myself, but i'm learning, rather quickly, what works and what doesn't.

i'll tell you what doesn't work:
-me, overextending myself for people who aren't in a give and take relationship with me....
i've done this for many MANY years.... give give give give. and no, i'm not a saint. i am not looking for pity here, not even a little bit. i have probably been this leech to my mother and stepfather for years as well. i KNOW they are dependable. they usually have sound advice. they will never turn their back on me. this, i know.... they, for most of my life, have been my "go-to" people.

and then there was jason.
you all know this.
he is my "go-to" person now, however, with Jason, there are a lot more options....
he's pretty much left everything up to me to decide....
not initially, however.
he had some control issues, and probably still has the tendencies, but in all seriousness, I make most of the decisions....
we consult each other, but his response is always something like, "whatever you think, honey. you know what you're doing mama."

WHAT?!
i'm so used to being given "the right" thing to do....
and then doing it,
and then if it doesn't turn out right, subconsciously i can blame someone else in my head for it not working out....
or i can at least think to myself, "well, that's what they said i should do, so i did it because they told me to."
and not so much lately....
if something is an epic failure, it's because of a decision i've made.
and that's hard, but then we deal with it at that point.

i'm battling these things now.... like i've said.
i'm 27 years old and still don't know what the hell i want to do.
i've wanted to become a nurse.
but right now, i'm not so sure....
but i don't want to make such a critical decision as to quit my classes and schooling for nursing, because i'm actually doing pretty well.... and well, because i told myself (and everyone else) that i was going to finish this time.
so i'd like to at least do that.
i'd like to at least get through it all.... have the degree and license and then decide from there.
do you really care to know my fears of becoming a nurse?
probably not. (if so, let me know, i'll gladly share)....

so as i sat there in my therapist's office, with lewie crawling around the room, throwing his ball, and laughing, as i cried,
i wondered HOW in the world i had ended up right here....
at this point....
of having been SO incredibly certain of knowing where i wanted to be,
and then all of a sudden having no idea,
and doubting everything all over again.
(not my marriage, just what i was doing in my life)....
i'd wondered how i'd been so sure i would make such a fantastic nurse,
and then wondering if i'd just flat out suck and end up killing someone from a stupid mistake....
i don't know where my life is going....
i don't know where we'll live when our lease is up next year.
i don't know when i'll finish school,
and what kind of nurse i'll make.
i don't know if i'll ever get a paid gig to write anything,
or if i'll ever impact someone's life in a positive way, the way i've always dreamed....
i don't know what the hell i'm going to be when i grow up,
but i DO know that the daily wonders are just that....
they're wonders....
but the wonders can't stop me from dreaming....
and the dreaming can't stop me from producing,
and the producing can't stop me from achieving,
and the achieving can't stop me from dreaming all over again....
so where do i go from here?

7 comments:

Ms. Christina said...

beautiful post! *tear*

Ash, no one knows what they truly want to do with their life. People end up going to school to become a doctor and totally change professions when they're finished with their PhD and in debt over six figures.

In fact, I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is that I am a leader and a follower...

All we can do is take it one day at a time, and where God leads us that's where we need to be and that is when we'll feel that great sigh of relief and say "this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life."

Just the other night, Jason and I were discussing about my interest to enroll into graduate school. He asked a ton of questions and I had an answer for every one of them. He even threw a curve ball at me and said, you should have really gone to school to become a nurse. You love taking care of people and have always wanted to help the helpless. WELL SHOOT, after $40,000for a business degree, now is not the time, to switch things up! I have to go through this process, but have Faith that God will lead me into the right direction.

Take God's hand and let him lead the way.

XoXo

Bixler Brood said...

If I can say anything, it would be this...You are not alone. These fears you have, everbody has and the only way to deal with it is to take things one day at a time. It's cliche, I know but it's SO true. From my own personal experiences in life thus far, I have to give myself some slack. I am a wife to a soldier who doesn't know when his next deployment may be, but we know it's coming. My studies have been put on hold SO many times since this whole Army thing began 7 1/2 years ago because I have NO control over it. Brennen's experience while Logan was deployed was VERY hard to begin with and I didn't know how to help him cope. I finally decided to make him a calendar and every single he wrote what he accomplished that day and then marked an X through it because that was one day closer to daddy coming home. I myself have a goal and make sure I complete whatever that goal is until my next semester comes up for school at least. Sounds simple? It can be if you give yourself some SLACK. Also, my parents have always given me sound advice when it comes to life in general and one important piece of it is this, finish what you start and once you have you'll never wonder "what-if". Love you :}

Ms. Christina said...

should'nt have posted this when i'm not at work.

Let me phrase this, I'm a leader and NOT a follower.

Marlene said...

Life is mysterious that way.....all kinds of ups and downs.

Finish your schooling....you're perfectly cut out to be a nurse...a nurturer. One day the rewards will be great. Hang in there. Hugs. xoxox

Mainland Streel said...

Yes, I identify with this to an extent. I've always fallen into the role of nurturer/fixer/helper/shoulder/whatever-you-need but it's only been this year that I've started to make "selfish" decisions.

The truth is this: You and your family and the rest of your loved ones will be better off if you take care of you first. It's not selfish at all! It's giving them the best of yourself. Yes, finish school, and take time for yourself.

Life will fall into place the way it's supposed to. I'm glad you have such a supportive family to help you through it. :)

buymebarbies said...

Sometimes, the most thought out plans fail. I understand that feel apprehensive about making decisions, knowing that if they fail, it lies on your shoulders. BUT, Jason and all of us are there to support you. We don't care if you fail or take a wrong turn. We've all done that. And as most of the comments say, take a day at a time, and you may have to change plans along the way, but at least you're going somewhere with it. Again, sometimes, the best laid plans fail!!! I love you whatever you decide.

Pat Tillett said...

First off, you can forget about the "leech" thought. We don't feel that way at all. You are one of the most giving and thoughtful people I know!

We take a right step, we take a wrong step. That's what it's all about. We make the right decisions when we can, and make the best of the wrong ones. Every path leads you to a fork in the road. No matter which fork you take, it ALWAYS leads you to another fork.
Right fork or left for, no difference! Each one can lead to happiness...