fun.

Lucky for me, my younger sister happens to kind of love her niece and nephew, so she offered to watch them so that Jason and I could get out for a night together. Saturday night, we didn't know WHAT we were going to do, but we knew we were going to start with dinner. and ended up with SUUUUSHI!!!!! my favorite!!!

poor jason. he really hates taking pictures, but that's just too bad. i don't ever want to look back and not have taken any of us together. besides, he's so handsome! ;) (even though Tuety said he looks constipated here.... i still think he's handsome!)

Sunday was SUCH a beautiful day.... well, actually it was blazing hot.... and over 100 degrees at our house, so we loaded up the truck with the beach toys, surfboard, towels, cooler and headed down to the beach with the kiddos. they LOVE getting outside. After driving around for a very long time and not finding parking, we ended up an at entirely different beach, parking across the street and jaywalking to finally get to our destination for the day....

Lewie just started standing up without holding onto anything, and he thinks he's SUPER cool when he does this... kinda cracks me up.... you know, i really pushed Taylor to walk, and encouraged it and all that jazz, and besides the fact that girls just learn faster than boys, I really haven't pushed much at all for Lewie to walk. For what? he has his whole life to walk, and run, and fall and get into stuff.... why do i want to encourage that? you see that look? you think he's gonna stay out of trouble? heck no!


i absolutely LOVE his chunky little body.... it cracks me up!

he caught me taking a picture of him about to stand up.... he is looking more and more like a little boy (and like his daddy as a baby) i love it!

jason snapped a shot of us playing in the water.... Lewie LOVES the water and i just KNOW he'll be out there surfing with daddy in no time!!!

my beach boys.... so handsome. i just love them!

my crazy daughter who couldn't keep her eyes open for a picture if her life depended on it. for this one, we did the whole, "close your eyes and on the count of three open them." i hope she'll get out there and surf with jason soon too, however she is deathly afraid of the water.... we'll seeeeeee....

here's to many more wonderful memories as a family.... =)

the chronicles of getting to know yourself.... at 27....

so today, i sat in my therapist's office like a big ball of freakin sap.

i just sat there crying my eyes out.

i wish i could say something like "oh it's probably because i'm going to start my period," or something, but really, i'd be lying....

i'm not terribly unhappy.

i don't even think that calling it "UN-happy" would be labeling it correctly... because i'm more happy than i am UN-happy....

i think....

right?

maybe?

no?

okay....

i have a lot of optimism in my heart....

i ACT on more optimism than i do pessimism....

if i can help, chances are i will....

i'll spend the extra time talking to someone who i think needs it rather than studying (like i should)....

however, over the past few years, i've changed.

and i guess i'm not entirely sure i was content with the change, until lately....

i like the change, but it's different.

it's REALLY different and i feel selfish.

and so every single day, i battle these (almost) demons that make me think i'm being selfish.

i have absolutely LOVED helping people....

until lately,

i think about what makes me happy.

ask me any other time in my life and i would have said, "helping other people makes me happy."

have you read my about me?

it says that i'd like to raise happy healthy children.

well let me just tell you, that raising happy healthy children doesn't "just happen."

for a long time, i thought i'd had it made.

that taylor was going to be good, and that it didn't require a WHOLE lot of effort, because she was just "good."

and then the little attitude slowly creeps in....

and there's another one to look after....

and a husband....

and, for Heaven's sake, MYSELF to look after....

who would have thought?!

there is MYSELF to look after.

i haven't ever really, truly nurtured myself....

i've been selfish, sure.

but being selfish isn't nurturing one's self.

taking drugs is selfish (i haven't ever done drugs, however that's still selfish and NOT considered nurturing yourself)....

i've never been given the opportunity to do WHATEVER i want, with support, and actually known what to do with myself.

hell, 27 years later, i still don't know what to do with myself, but i'm learning, rather quickly, what works and what doesn't.

i'll tell you what doesn't work:

-me, overextending myself for people who aren't in a give and take relationship with me....

i've done this for many MANY years.... give give give give. and no, i'm not a saint. i am not looking for pity here, not even a little bit. i have probably been this leech to my mother and stepfather for years as well. i KNOW they are dependable. they usually have sound advice. they will never turn their back on me. this, i know.... they, for most of my life, have been my "go-to" people.

and then there was jason.

you all know this.

he is my "go-to" person now, however, with Jason, there are a lot more options....

he's pretty much left everything up to me to decide....

not initially, however.

he had some control issues, and probably still has the tendencies, but in all seriousness, I make most of the decisions....

we consult each other, but his response is always something like, "whatever you think, honey. you know what you're doing mama."

WHAT?!

i'm so used to being given "the right" thing to do....

and then doing it,

and then if it doesn't turn out right, subconsciously i can blame someone else in my head for it not working out....

or i can at least think to myself, "well, that's what they said i should do, so i did it because they told me to."

and not so much lately....

if something is an epic failure, it's because of a decision i've made.

and that's hard, but then we deal with it at that point.

i'm battling these things now.... like i've said.

i'm 27 years old and still don't know what the hell i want to do.

i've wanted to become a nurse.

but right now, i'm not so sure....

but i don't want to make such a critical decision as to quit my classes and schooling for nursing, because i'm actually doing pretty well.... and well, because i told myself (and everyone else) that i was going to finish this time.

so i'd like to at least do that.

i'd like to at least get through it all.... have the degree and license and then decide from there.

do you really care to know my fears of becoming a nurse?

probably not. (if so, let me know, i'll gladly share)....

so as i sat there in my therapist's office, with lewie crawling around the room, throwing his ball, and laughing, as i cried,

i wondered HOW in the world i had ended up right here....

at this point....

of having been SO incredibly certain of knowing where i wanted to be,

and then all of a sudden having no idea,

and doubting everything all over again.

(not my marriage, just what i was doing in my life)....

i'd wondered how i'd been so sure i would make such a fantastic nurse,

and then wondering if i'd just flat out suck and end up killing someone from a stupid mistake....

i don't know where my life is going....

i don't know where we'll live when our lease is up next year.

i don't know when i'll finish school,

and what kind of nurse i'll make.

i don't know if i'll ever get a paid gig to write anything,

or if i'll ever impact someone's life in a positive way, the way i've always dreamed....

i don't know what the hell i'm going to be when i grow up,

but i DO know that the daily wonders are just that....

they're wonders....

but the wonders can't stop me from dreaming....

and the dreaming can't stop me from producing,

and the producing can't stop me from achieving,

and the achieving can't stop me from dreaming all over again....

so where do i go from here?

Steph wanted to know.... so here it is. =)

i'm sorry i lagged Steph!!! Stephanie from "All Because Two People Fell in Love" tagged me in this, and so here I go.

1. If you could travel to anywhere in the world, where would you go?
There are soooo many places I'd love to visit. I'd especially love to visit places with warm weather, and good surf (for Jason).... and when the kids get older, I'd love to be able to take them and give them wonderful memories as well. Anywhere with wonderful warm weather, good surf and somewhere relaxing for me to watch him! :)

2. Which do you like better, cooking or baking?

baking. i LOVE sweets!!!! especially brownies and chocolate chip cookies!! YUM!

3. What type of music do you listen to?
i seriously listen to everything. i love country music and then people/groups like coldplay, john mayer, train, ub40, beach boys. oh man, this list can go on and on....

4. What's your favorite holiday?
i love 4th of july. it's usually awesome weather, a day after my birthday, full of swimming, family, patriotism, bbqing, and lots of good times.

5. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
extrovert, maybe? haha.

6. Are you excited for fall? If so, what do you love most about the season?
i'm not entirely excited about fall. i don't like wearing actual shoes other than flip flops. i don't like being stuck inside if the weather's cold. i don't drink hot drinks, EVER, because i always burn my tongue.... so cold drinks on a cold day aren't as satisfying, school is JUST beginning. HOWEVER, what i DO like about fall is that it's inching closer to Christmas.... and our anniversary!!!! =)

7. What websites do you frequent most often?
Facebook and blogger. hands down.

8. What is your favorite childhood memory?
i'm not entirely sure. how boring, right? vacations with our family.... halloween and my mom dressing us up and taking us trick or treating for miles and miles until we couldn't carry our candy anymore because our bags were soooo heavy!!

orrrrrrrr, my other favorite childhood memory.... the moment i laid eyes on jason.... who is now my husband! woo!! hhahaha. okay that was really cheesy, but i do still remember it!! =)

back to the beginning. pt. 3

part 1.

part 2.

that was our conversation.

she comes up and is just ECSTATIC about her new present!!!!

"mom!!!! Look at what Dad got me!!!! he got me an iHome alarm clock for my iPod!!!!! it's JUST what i wanted!!!!!!"

she went on and on even after she came in the house, and i was excited for her (externally), and then just pisssssssed inside....

and then i started battling those demons....

"ashley, be happy for your freakin daughter," i kept telling myself. "MY GOSH! it's her birthday! she got a present that she REALLY wanted!!!!" I'd say....

and then she'd make a comment like, "i can't believe he spent THAT much money on me! this is like best present EVER!"

and then my insides would turn a little bit more and i felt like saying, "and how the hell do you think he knew that is what you wanted, Taylor? is it because he called? NO! it's because i told him that you wanted it.... he's not a freaking hero..... he's lazy.... he just called yesterday to see what he should get you...."

i know.... i know....

how.

freaking.

awful.

right?

i didn't say any of that, but i thought it.... and then i felt HORRIBLY guilty for thinking it....

i just HATED him.

i just HATED the fact that he doesn't do the day to day....

he doesn't deal with the day to day.

the birthday lists.

the window shopping to make the list.

the browsing the internet to make the list.

he doesn't deal with the messy bathrooms,

the homework,

the classroom treats to celebrate her day.

he doesn't deal with the invitations and the birthday party planning.

he doesn't deal with the complaining,

the not eating of her vegetables....

he doesn't do her laundry,

or double check to ensure she's brushed her teeth.

he doesn't fight the battle of her not wanting to shower every night.

he doesn't set his alarm early to make sure she's awake and not getting ready by herself in the morning....

he doesn't iron her clothes,

or fix her hair everyday.....

he.

doesn't.

do.

shit.

he doesn't know.

he doesn't know what being a parent is like.

what raising a child entails.... (<---- i don't even know if that sentence makes sense or not, but you get the idea)....

he doesn't know what the hell it takes to raise a child....

hell, i've been in therapy for years, and i STILL don't know what i'm doing....

but he is NOT a freakin hero, and as much as i don't want to bad mouth him, i don't want her to have a false perception of what her "dad" is....

shame on me, i know.

trust me.

i already beat myself up for it for the past, almost, week.....

i shouldn't feel like that, and those are my issues and not hers and blah blah blah.

i get it.

sort of.....

so, i'm sure you're TOTALLY confused as to how these stories are connected.... right?

you probably just think i'm all over the place, which i am.

i won't lie....

i'm crazy nuts.

however, my point is this....

there was something, something, crazy amazing and dysfunctional that attracted me to him at that point in my life....

it was the same draw that led me into the medical field,

this desire to "save" people....

at ANY cost....

even if it meant, i neglected myself, and taylor's feelings.

i knew she was in good hands with my mom and pat and my grandma while i worked....

while i worked,

to fulfill this crazy void inside me....

the void was soooo huge, that helping other people was easier than helping myself....

back to the beginning. pt. 2

back to the beginning part 1.

i stuck my finger into the cooling vick's vapor rub and stuck some up my nostrils.

i know i could have gotten into trouble,

but if i was going back in there,

then that vapor rub was going back up my nostrils, because the awful stench was just mind boggling.... (shelbie, you can help me out at any time here.... )

i cannot even begin to try to explain what that place smelled like, but let me tell you that smelling a bum, was near heaven compared to the smell of this place.

and by bum, i mean hobo, not buttcheeks.

anyway.... the things that i did back then.... were beyond anything i could have ever dreamed of doing to help people.... helping people led me to want to help more.

and then more.

and then even more.

things progressed quickly.

and before i knew it, i was in oncology.

you already know all my stories from oncology....

they tugged my heart strings EVERY. single. day.

it was a love/hate relationship, but it had to be done.

sooooooooo, bringing you back to present day.

life is entirely different than it was back then.

IIIII am entirely different than i was back then.

sometimes i think that i am still the very same person,

but i KNOW i'm not.

my situation is entirely different.

and this is where my problem arises....

THESE are the demons i've been battling for a while....

i go back and forth on them, and i'm just torn.

so here goes.

i was 19 when taylor was born.

there was SO much work to be done internally....

i loved taylor,

but i didn't love myself, completely.

i was a pleaser.

still have these tendencies, sometimes.

i care about people's feelings.

that doesn't change.

i don't want to NOT care about people's feelings,

but often, i've let it take over my entire life.

when i worked in Oncology,

it ran my life instead of ME running my life.

although i felt an immeasurable amount of pleasure and satisfaction helping people everyday, i felt such a heavy load of emotions.

it's why i left the first time.

i knew that it was consuming me.

nearly eating me whole.

now, i have the opportunity to not work.

i don't have to do anything, if i didn't want to.

but that's too easy for me.

i can't NOT do anything....

(however, people who have NOT stayed home with children as their full time job, please do NOT dismiss this as "lucky" and "easy")

it is FAR from easy....

sure you can run your own schedule, but you've got to be productive to feel any ounce of reward (personally speaking)....

sure i can sit here all day and read to lewie and leave and take him to the park and swing him on the swings, and pack a picnic and all that joyous stuff that sounds so fun, but EVERY.THING else would suffer....

sooooooo, i can't do that.

instead i decided that for sanity, i'd pick up a part time job, a few nights a week, slangin (coffee) drinks at a local (coffee) bar.

i decided that taking classes would be a fantastic idea.

and that i could study while lewie slept and then again after everyone else went to sleep.

i decided that i would volunteer to write taylor's school's newsletter, because, well, i LOVE writing, and i've never been given an opportunity to write for a cause, other than to bore you poor people to death.....

and since i can't stand sitting in a classroom with everyone's children, (and because i have a 13 month old of my own to watch all day), i wanted to help in some other (not so) little way.

so the other day, i got into this horrible FUNK.

i could tell you WHEN it started, but i'd sound like a lousy person....

BUUUUUUT, i DID say i wasn't going to hold back, didn't i?

okay, so here goes. and after you read this, you can just pretend you never read it.... because i don't LIKE to badmouth people, and i will try not to do it often, but this.... THIS just got under my skin....

so Taylor's "dad" began texting me about a week before taylor's birthday, asking what she wanted. taylor had a list made. i told him a few things off of the list. he ignored that. a few days went by....

he called the night before her first day of school to tell her that he would call her first thing in the morning and before she had class.... then after they got off the phone, he text messaged me that he was going to call her before her class started. i HEARD her tell him that her school started at 745 am. the next morning, he didn't call.... which is fine. whatever. then the rest of the day went on, he never called.....

a few more days go by and he texts and asks what she wants for her birthday again, this time giving the max amount he'd like to spend. i didn't respond. maybe i should have, but i didn't. he has our house number. he could call her and ask her. i asked her if there was anything else she had wanted.... she had her list made. she was set on her things, and said there really wasn't anything else she could think of....

so then, he calls.... a few times.... and the guilt starts setting in.... her birthday is getting closer and he doesn't know what to get her.... and if i don't tell him what she wants, then she isn't going to get something that she REALLY wants.... and so i answered after a few calls. and gave him a suggestion which was one of the presents jason and i thought about getting her, but i figured we could just pick another one, because this one fit into HIS budget....

i told him where he could find it and that it was on sale if he got it now.

i told him the color she wanted and everything.

and for a moment, i felt happy that taylor was going to get something off of her list that she really wanted.... i felt almost an instant satisfaction.

and then.... THEN, our conversation goes on.

he asks if he can pick her up and when it would work for us....

i asked "when did you want to pick her up?"

he goes on about how he has to study and do homework for class, and that if he picks her up this weekend, then it can only be for a few hours, so he'd pick her up saturday for a few hours to take her to a "birthday lunch."

sounds great, right?

well, it wasn't.

he picked her up from jason while i was working, which is totally fine.

and i am SO grateful that my husband is SO understanding and has no problem doing this....

he picks taylor up with his girlfriend, which is totally fine, except that instead of going to lunch, they go to watch his girlfriend's nephew (who taylor hasn't ever met), play soccer at some park by our house....

fun for taylor, right?

sorry, i know that life doesn't ALWAYS have to be fun, but holy crap! is it EVER about her???

so he brings her home a few hours later, and i'm home now.....

he walks her up to the door and says "she just ate right now."

"okay. thanks."

"bye."

"bye."

that was our conversation.

that was it.... at least for that moment....

back to the beginning. pt. 1

you know,

part of the reason i find myself not blogging as much is because, quite often, (as of lately), i feel like i have to watch what i say.

i feel like i can't word things the way i FEEL....

and that when i reword them and read them over,

i don't like what i read, so i just save it as a draft and feel like i've vented, and then i'm over it.

i delete the post a few days later and it's just gone.

and that's fine.

but i miss doing what i started here in the first place.

i miss my honesty....

i hate itching in my own skin....

i say things exactly how i feel them, and although i would, one day, like to find a nicer way to say them, for now, i just can't....

and when i hold all my stuff inside, i get into these funks.

poor Jason.

he deals with my funks, and tries so hard to get me out of them.

it's nothing for him to fix though.

i don't want someone else to fix MY stuff.

because that's exactly what it is.

it's MY stuff....

so here i go with it....

i started classes for nursing, shortly after i started classes in college.

i can remember the moment i wanted to go into the medical field.

it was when my grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer.

i was probably 2nd grade, maybe 3rd?

there was the image that is stuck in my head....

it was the dr....

walking out to the waiting room at lakewood regional hospital (or whatever it was called), and i was sitting in the uncomfortable chair, waiting.

and i am not entirely sure WHAT we were waiting for.... if it was her surgery, or just some test results, or what.

but i remember him walking out in sea green colored scrubs.

i remember the booties that covered his tennis shoes.

and i remember staring at his feet....

it was sometime in the evening and dark outside,

and i remember thinking to myself,

"we are going home and going to bed.... he isn't.... he gets to stay up late. the hospital never closes. they stay up alllll night. how cool."

little did i know, that years later, i'd realize how UNCOOL staying up all night really is....

however, i learned how COOL it is to help people, especially at such a vulnerable time in their life....

and so began my interest in the medical field.

but it wasn't until my dad was sick with cancer, that i was actually getting old enough to do something about my desire to be in the medical field.

so i became a certified nurse's assistant, a CNA.

my training was in a nursing home in a crappy area in long beach.

there were bars on the windows and the parking was so freakin tight.

i hated it.

i hated the smell of the place.

i hated that i couldn't wear the jewelry in my tragus (which was pierced at that time).

i hated that there was a psych ward there too....

so not only were there old people who couldn't take care of themselves, but there were also old crazy people who could not take care of themselves either,

and you should use the buddy system in that ward,

otherwise you could end up cornered behind a curtain with a crazy strong man who is about 50 times as strong as you, and he can (and will attack you)....

i hated that no one wanted to do the jobs that they signed up to do....

i hated that i couldn't do more....

i hated that even though 99.9% of the people were old and out of it, there were also 2 young men who were here too....

one who was paralyzed playing soccer for a university up north,

and another was a gunshot victim.

and they were totally sane,

but i was sure they'd lose their sanity if they had to stay there any longer....

there was something that just drew me in....

something that i couldn't walk away from.

and Lord knows I nearly did....

it was street sweeping day a few streets away,

and that day everyone who lived on THAT street had come to park on our street....

and they literally BLOCKED MY CAR IN....

i mean, i could NOT, for the life of me, inch my jetta out of that spot.

we had a 10 minute break, and i went out to my car....

i sat in the car with my music on and just CRIED my eyes out.

i cried so hard, i couldn't breathe.

it was still super early in the morning....

it was chilly outside, but the sun was breaking through....

it was sunny, and chilly.

and there was dew on the windows....

and i felt like i WANTED to be somewhere else....

ANYWHERE else but here....

so i called my mom.

i called her and she was still sleeping, but she took my call.

and she talked me through it.

sobbing, i asked her to "pleeeeease come pick me up. i can't do this. please just come get me. i'll come back for my car later."

you know what she told me?

"if you aren't there, who is going to do what you do for those people? you can do ANYTHING you want to do..... i KNOW you can."

i know our conversation lasted longer than those few sentences, but those few sentences were all i needed to pull the keys from my ignition and go back inside....

Sweet T.

(photo courtesy of Pat Tillett)

(photo courtesy of Pat Tillett)

i remember the very moment i found out i was pregnant.

i was just 18 years old.

i remember the very second, my feet dangled off the end of the dr's table....

and i sat there.

waiting for him to return.

"there is NO way i am pregnant," i told myself over and over again.

and he swings the door open and says, "hun, you're pregnant! that's what's wrong with you!!!"

"shhhhhhhhhhhh!" is all i could think.

he said it sooo loud!

everyone knew me in the office.

everyone knew my mom.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

and i remember what i was wearing.

i remember leaning over and bursting into tears at that VERY moment.

i was bawling.

i NEVER thought i'd be there.

18 years old,

and pregnant.

but i will tell you this.

there was something. something. in the pit of my stomach (besides her) that KNEW, without a doubt, that i was going to do whatever it took to keep her....

and i did just that.

i didn't know HOW i was going to do it.

i didn't have the slightest clue about parenting.

i had HOPED that things would just work out between her dad and i, but at our young age, i was also realistic that the odds were against us....

but i was going to do whatever it took to have this baby....

no one expected ME to get pregnant.

hell, i waited until i cleared my 1st trimester before i told my dad i was even pregnant.

i feared what everyone would say.

i feared what everyone would think.

i feared all of the changes my body was going to endure.

and then.... on september 12, 2002, they placed the most precious little being into my arms....

708 pm, they placed my precious little Taylor Kay on my chest.

after alllll my morning sickness and preterm labor, here she was, 3 weeks early.

5 lbs. 13 oz. and just about as winston churchill looking as they come, but she was mine.

i would grow to learn what being a mother was all about.

and it took time.

and i often fought, (and still fight the internal battles) of wishing I knew more than i do now.... wishing i knew more than i did then.... wishing i could give her more than i have given her.

i was ever so fortunate to have my mom and stepdad and grandma there for such great support.... our "village" raised this girl....

Taylor truly saved the person I could have become....

she taught me the innocent way a child sees the world,

and the way people SHOULD see it more....

her eyes light up,

her heart forgives,

she learned at such a young age to empathize and sympathize with me through my hurt.

she still tunes into my feelings....

i am ever so grateful to have found such a wonderful man to love, not only me, but US.

from the very beginning, Jason opened his heart up to her as well, and we have been beyond blessed.

she is the most patient and understanding little soul.

she is brilliant beyond her years.

and although i'm STILL learning the type of mother I want to become, I strive every single day to love the way she does....

to see the world the way she does....

i am ever so grateful for such an amazing little girl,

and i am EVER so grateful she is mine!

Happy 8th birthday, my beautiful girl!!!

(first day of 3rd grade. Sept 8, 2010)

holy geez, oy, do i have an opinion on THAT!

a fellow "friend" of mine on Facebook had written this yesterday..... (name changed for privacy)

and i read this right before going to bed.... or at least TRYING to go to bed....

"HAD A CONVO. WITH A FULL BLOODED INDIAN..IT WAS PRETTY INTERESTING, ITS BEEN HUNDREDS OF YEARS AND HE SAID THEY STILL FEEL LIKE PRISONERS IN THEY'RE OWN COUNTRY..AND THEY TELL BLACK PEOPLE TO GET OVER IT..THE INDIANS *STILL* ARENT OVER IT AFTER 600YRS..THEN THEY STUCK THEM ALL ON RESERVATIONS OUTTA SIGHT AND HOPE THEY JUS STAY THERE..LIKE THE GHETTO..SECTION 8 RING A BELL..HOW ABOUT LOW-INCOME HOUSING..??? GENOCIDE"

And then i got all upset.... thinking.... THIS is the stinkin problem with society.... people and their sense of entitlement.... THAT, my friends, is what is wrong with the world. everyone thinks that they "Deserve" something.... i get that their are blacks, and indians, and every other race with families that need assistance.... there are families in every single race and background that abuse the system also. it is VERY unfortunate that people abuse a system created to (truly) help people get back on their feet....

Now, please don't get me wrong. i KNOW that not ALL families abuse the system, but soooo many families USE the resources as means of getting by.... they use the resources, the food stamps, the welfare, the housing assistance, to LIVE.... not to better themselves, but to LIVE.... they use the money that they make on the side to do things like purchase expensive shoes.... expensive cell phones and plans.... drive nice cars.... and the list goes on....

it urks me to NO end when people feel they are OWED something because of their race or background.... i would give anyone anything and almost everything i had if i knew they would better themselves with it....

ask yourself this.... when you see someone standing on the side of the road, with a sign, asking for money, do you give them money? no?? i used to.... keyword: USED to.... and you know why i don't now? because of those studies PROVING that people do that as a job!!!! and they make more money BEGGING for money than they do working.... how could someone possibly feel good about that?? taking money from people? now, again, don't get me wrong.... i have given a guy a couple bucks because he had a sign that said, "needs a couple bucks for a beer," and i've given him money. how horrible for me to enable an alcoholic right? well i gave him a couple bucks for being honest.... which is something that's incredibly hard to find these days....

This is the same mentality that prevents people from growing up. thinking they are owed something their entire life.... ANYONE can suffer from this... people who grew up with nothing, believe they deserve EVERYTHING, because they've never had anything! Then there are people who had EVERYTHING growing up, and were spoiled, and think that since they never had to work for it before, they shouldn't have to work for it now.... WRONG, WRONG! everyone's WRONG! you DESERVE what you EARN, period.

my response to this post was:

I worked in property management.... In IRVINE. People paid 2000 dollars to live in a 2 bedroom apartment while people who received section 8 paid anywhere from 26 dollars to 400 bucks. That's it. You know what most of them drove? Mercedes... Brand new maximas.... They used to switch cars with family members when they had to go meet with their "worker." They would come in complaining about wanting more.... Nothing in life is free. Don't get me wrong, there are families born into horrible situations, but no one is FORCED to stay in their situation. There are far too many resources to be utilized that can and will get you out of a situation if you use them the right way.... People need to lose their sense of entitlement and hold themselves accountable for their achievements or lack thereof.... You think they try to "keep you guys down," look into the cities and the places that accept section 8. You'll be amazed. And all someone has to do is to request a county or city transfer with their voucher. Accountability "Frank".... People who chase their dreams are gonna be the ones who reach 'em....

President's Cancer Panel.

I never knew that this existed.

Maybe i am severely sheltered, or just plain stupid, however, whichever it is, I still didn't know this existed....

It is a 3 person panel that reports to the President of the United States on the development and execution of the National Cancer Program. Members serve 3 year terms and at least 2 of the 3 panel members must be distinguished scientists or physicians. The President appoints one of the members to a one year Chair position. The Panel meets at least 4 times a year and these meetings are open to the public. (info. obtained from wikipedia, but only after reading an article on Sierraclub.org)

Since learning about this group, I've learned that in May of this year, they issued a report saying that "the true burden of environmentally induced cancers has been grossly underestimated." (sierraclub.org) I have to agree.... and if just by reading and THINKING about this statement doesn't have you agreeing with it, look into it further.... They also criticized federal regulators for being "reactionary rather than precautionary." (sierraclub.org) I HAVE to agree.... and only because I looked up the 1976 federal Toxin Substances Control Act which states that industrial chemicals are presumed SAFE unless proven otherwise. REALLY?! Chemicals aren't human beings people! they aren't "innocent until proven guilty." do you know how many awful things are happening to HUMAN BEINGS (including fetuses, infants, and young children??) and not only Humans, but to our ENVIRONMENT?! Since 1976 (so, um 34+ years), only FIVE chemicals have been banned.... so in order for a chemical to be banned, think of how HORRIBLE it must be.... think of all the chemicals that have NOT yet been banned?! man oh man! this is awful!!!!

Of all the 82,000+ industrial chemicals that are registered for use in the U.S, less than 500 of them have been tested for human safety by the EPA (sierraclub.org)

How incredibly different the entire world would be if the regulations proposed (to prove a chemical SAFE b.e.f.o.r.e being able to use it in their products and/or release it) were passed....

although, i'm rather certain, we, as the consumers, would have absolutely NOTHING new to buy....