the mind of a selfish, controlling, single mother....

so, it was never really like to me talk about the problems i've had....

heck, i guess that's part of the problem, was not being able to SEE the problems that i had....

but as you grow and you realize what you've BEEN in your past, (AND present).... it somehow allows you to better your future (AND present).... 

i love that Jason and i are able to laugh most of our disagreements off, because we both know how completely stubborn each of us are.... he absolutely doesn't like depending on people for things, and well, i guess i am just spoiled and kind of really have been my whole life.... 

when i say that i'm spoiled, i don't mean that i was given everything i ever wanted.... i don't mean that i was showered in love and gifts and all of that....  there are a lot of different things i mean by this....

with my father, who lived in Tennessee since I was 7, and San Francisco before that.... he bought me things.... lots of things.... expensive things, especially when i was younger.... when WE were younger.... it was almost his way of expressing his love.... he wouldn't just spend money on you if he didn't care about you. i knew he cared about me, but i also learned to know that money spent was love that was unable to be expressed in other ways.... time would have been nice, but hey, to a 7 year old child, gifts made you happy too.... (temporarily, at least).... i didn't know any different.... i didn't know any better.... 

you learn with age.... and that's the truth.

so here i am.... 26 years old.... wheeling and dealing with my husband about a stinkin pair of boots that i want.... i don't have a lot of shoes.... (okay well maybe to SOME people, i do), but to most people who would look through my "shoe collection," you would say that i'm bland.... boring.... plain.... tomboy.... tennies and flip flops.... that's what i live in.... jeans and flip flops nearly every single day.... and if it's REALLY cold or raining, i'll throw some running shoes on or these super cheap pair of ugg looking boots that i got in Tennessee a few years back, but only because it was raining and i had only taken my flip flops with me.... yeah, i originally bought them thinking they were just for Tennessee and to keep my feet warm, but.... i still wear them nearly 2 years later.... and honestly, they weren't more than $12!!!! soooo.... that kind of gives you a breakdown of my "shoe collection."  i worked at Finish Line (shoe store) for nearly 4 years, and that's where i accumulated most of my shoes.... (which is probably why i have mostly running shoes rather than cute girly shoes).... i am DEFINITELY not a fashionist by ANY means.... in fact, i like cute styles, i just have NO clue how to put them together myself.... i can look at someone and think "oh that's cute." but the second i put an outfit like that on myself, i think "UGH! how disgusting and lame this looks on me!" sooooo, i take it off, and it's never to be seen again.... and then i end up buying something that looks like everything else i already own.... it looks ugly and i end up not liking it and wanting to burn it, along with every other old lady piece of clothing i own.... the only thing i really spend money on are my jeans.... because i wear them so much and it's kind of hard to find a nice, form fitting pair of jeans.... 

well now, 2 kids later, my body's a little different than it's ever been. i USED to complain before, but now, it's by far, the most uncomfortable i've ever been with myself.... i still hurt from all the issues (and surgery, and tailbone issue) since my pregnancy and even after..... i tried to start going on little walks and such, but it would absolutely kick my butt.... i honestly started feeling hopeless and disgusting.... jason swears i look amazing, but i feel like he feels obligated to tell me so.... he said that i just upset him when i think i look terrible when there are "so many women who would give anything to look the way i do." that's great and all, but i'm not talking about other women.... i'm talking about ME and how i feel NOW! 

i had a lot of self worth as a single mom.... and although i didn't realize how much help i had, until now, i still felt pretty darn good about what i was providing.... i worked fulltime (and many extra hours after fulltime). i can remember staying so late one night during our audits, that taylor curled up in a ball under my desk and fell asleep after we had eaten pizza that was delivered to our office (i feel absolutely horribly guilty for this now, but i did what, felt like, had to be done at the time....) it was the only job that i could have that would allow us to live in Irvine with the great schools and such.... 

i often daydream about the day i am able to go back to work and work that hard again.... but jason's fear is 1. i am not physically ready to work the way that i did before.... i can't even go for a nice brisk walk without hurting..... and 2. that once i go back under the high stess i was under before, that it'll come between our marriage. 

it's hard to really zone in and FOCUS on yourself.... although looking back, i was a very selfish person, i felt i was taking care of what needed to be taken care of.... now i do it, but in an entirely different way..... i realize that our children's happiness and our marriage's happiness, is going to come with ME being happy... not just being content, but being HAPPY.... that doesn't mean owning nice big huge things, but it means by truly doing things that are productive. it means being happy for our kids.... being happy for my husband....

so many of us, can and DO tend to focus on the not so great things in our lives, and if we all did and CONTINUE to do that, then we can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be the victims.... it's a lethal way of life.... i sometimes can still catch myself doing that....  if i want a certain something, i can think of all the reasons why it should be that way.... 

AND I WILL START WITH THIS example:

all i could think about was going back to work.... i wanted to work. i wanted to interact with people. i wanted my paychecks. i wanted my commissions. i wanted my starbucks every morning. i wanted to dress up and feel pretty. i wanted to feel like i was contributing to our family, the only way i've ever known how to.... financially.... 

EVERYTHING else went out the window for me. i didn't care that, physically, i wasn't ready to. i didn't care that mentally, i wasn't ready to either.  I didn't have a plan.... and this drove my husband NUTS.... even more than driving Jason nuts, it drove me nuts... WHY did it drive me SO nuts? because i'm a control freak!!!!!!!! i didn't know how long it was going to take for me to get better. i didn't know if or WHEN i'd be able to go back to work.... i still don't. i know mentally, i'm exhausted from, not just being a mother of 2 children, but for physically not being myself since February of this year.... that wipes any person out.... you think you're fully capable of doing everything you did before.... and you don't understand why you can't do it, or when you tap out much sooner than you ever would have before, you feel nearly worthless! IT SUCKS!!!! there's no other way to say it.... it just flat out SUCKS!  mentally, i am used to trying my hardest and being the best at it... at whatever that may be... (usually work related).... i try my hardest to be a great wife, and haven't felt extremely good at it until more recently.... when you pull away from yourself and look at the good of the family.... you tend to feel a lot better....

HOWEVER.... there are times, that i go INTO myself, and AWAY from my codependency ways (of wanting to take care of everyone BUT myself).... maybe it's so that i don't have to pay any attention to myself and all my issues.... i can fix everyone else's and then it somehow indirectly repairs mine.... yeah, well it doesn't work so well that way.... i usually end up getting way too overwhelmed, and i need to learn the balance.... BUT back to my HOWEVER... so there are times where i DO need to pull in to myself and my wants and my needs....  

when i worked, i could buy myself whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted it.... pretty much.... okay, so maybe not really, but when i was SINGLE, i didn't have anyone to "report" to or "consult" with.... sometimes, my selfish ways and tendencies tend to take over, and i feel like i shouldn't have to "report to" somebody about what i want to buy.... HOWEVER, when i look at it more as "consulting with my partner about where our money goes, before it goes there," it makes it a little more "bearable." (is that the proper spelling, because for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem right.) anyway.... we've talked about how we've ideally wanted our finances to be, and we really haven't done all that we should to set up the proper accounts.... however, the SPENDING part isn't too bad.... we just both think that we could probably be saving more if we set it up the way we originally talked about....  

a while back, i had talked to one of my friends.... (they are married, and very happily married) they are actually 2 people who i loved to watch with each other.... i asked how they'd handled certain things and put it in my head that one day, ONE DAY, i would love like they did.... they are just such a happy couple with two hearts just overflowing with love.... they are great with kids, great with friends, great with family.... and especially great with each other.... i loved that about them. anyway, back to my story. i had asked them about their finances, and how they handled that.... they said they NEVER bicker about money, because they set it up early on like this.... they each have their own checking account, and this is where their monthly "allowance" goes into. (say you guys decide on $200 a month, or whatever it is you can afford to have, to pay the bills and still save money.... that $200 may differ.... it may be $500, it may be $100).... out of this account comes the items you want for yourself, maybe a pair of shoes.... maybe it's a birthday or Christmas gift for your partner (and you don't want them to know where you went or how much you spent).... maybe it's a round of drinks or dinner for your friends.... whatever it is when you want to "treat," YOU will really be "treating" (not both of you be treating)....  1 joint checking (where all the money for the bills goes....).... and 1 joint checking (where all the extras after bills and allowance goes).... this way, if you want to purchase something, you can use your own "allowance" money to purchase it.... now IF we had set this up awhile back, i would have the money to purchase these boots that i want.... but we haven't yet done that.... we've been saving.... in our joint savings.... because we want a house.... jason does most of the saving and i do most of the spending.... he NEVER buys anything for himself! i wish he did, but he doesn't care about that kind of stuff.... he'd rather buy stuff for us or save.... (which is the reason we'll eventually be able to purchase a home rather than rent for the rest of our lives).... his "allowance" account would be more like his own personal savings acct, and my "allowance" account would most likely always have a zero balance.... ha! booooo! but anyway.... i found these boots that i liked.... no.... i didn't like them, i REALLY liked them.... i loved them. i wanted them. felt like i had to have them.... because not only did they go cute with my jeans, they were even cuter with the dress i tried them on with.... 

THIS, now THIS was going to make me happy! it was going to kind of play out that cute fashion i talked about earlier and how i DIDN'T have it.... (but thanks to the girl at Nordstrom, this cute fashion i had in mind was actually kinda coming to life!... so THANKS girl at Nordstrom!!!) =) anyway... the price tag on the boots were $229.95.... *gasp* yeah, i know, right? NEVER before would i have imagined ever spending money like that on shoes, but i honestly don't ever find shoes that i'm like "okay, i gotta have those." these boots, went with more than one outfit.... i could see how i could wear them with a bunch of other ones, and so i finally decided that these were the ones i'd wanted.... these $230 boots.... 

i didn't even want to TELL jason that i'd found boots i wanted, because i knew the first question would be, "how much are they?"  i knew he would laugh when i told him how much they were.... he said, "yeah... pssssh. that's crazy."  anyway.... being that there isn't anything i DON'T tell him, i told him anyway... and yes, he thought i was absolutely insane for wanting a pair of boots, which he broke down to $115 per boot.... and completely not worth it.... 

we wheeled and dealed and laughed and joked about these ridiculously priced boots.... but i still wanted them.... and i still didn't have them.... but would buying these $230 boots really make me happy? or would i feel guilty? like i shouldn't have spent this money on myself.... i should be saving it for our house.... would $230 really make or break our house? well every little bit helps, right?   ohhhh whatever.... i think that part of my wanting the boots so bad is that he doesn't want me to have them.... that's the truth! i REALLY want these boots, but i probably want them 10 times as bad because he doesn't want me to have them.... he wants me to "learn" how to want something without always getting it.... BUUUUURN!!!! i don't want to WANT something and to NOT get it.... but i guess i should kinda practice what i preach to my daughter, right? 

anyway.... to make a long story short.... my mind goes in to this whole thinking process thing about, if i lied to my dr and said i felt fine and went back to work and had my OWN money coming in, i could buy my OWN boots with my OWN money.... but the reality of it is, is that if i had THAT much more money coming in, we should be saving it and would probably would be actually purchasing a home rather than waiting until i'm completely healed and better and heading back to work and actually working again.... did that make any sense?

okay.... so anyway.... i just want to be better already.... boots or no boots.... 

i'd also like to say that i am GRATEFUL for my husband for helping me to step outside the mind of a selfihs, controlling, single mother.... =)

.... but i still want those boots....