I haven't thought of a title for this "series" yet.... but I'll call this Part 1.

NOTE:  My blog is not meant to put anyone down,  to offend anyone, to hurt anyone's feelings.... Honestly, that is not what my intentions will ever be from here on out, however, I am fully aware that with this being MY blog (and my view on things, and how I feel about things), it will happen. For that, I really want to apologize in advance.  The only way we experience things is from our point of view.... Sure, we can try to step outside of ourselves and simply imagine how something might make us feel, but we are doing just that.... we are only imagining, guessing, assuming that we know how someone else interprets their pain, love, happiness, sadness.... We all interpret things differently, and I'm going to hold onto that thought and continue to try my hardest to let go of what I do not understand, for it isn't mine to understand..... 

I guess we all come from somewhere, no?  We have a childhood.... a lifetime we remember and hold onto to process (usually at a much later time in life), and develop our own perception and feelings about things.... ultimately, it becomes our reality.... the way we think and believe things to be.... THAT, directly (and indirectly), affects the relationships we have with other people.  Does that make any sense?  I mean, we all remember our childhood and mainly by feelings.... the certain way things made us feel....

You see, that's the thing.... You never know how something, such as your actions, will impact someone or make them feel.... You never know how you are impacting your children or what someone may carry with them throughout life.... A child doesn't necessarily understand actions, but they know what they feel.... even if they can only express it as "good" or "bad," right?  I have reallllly tried to explain things to the kids.... When we observe something together, or the kids observe something that they talk about, I make it a point to talk about it with them.... we try to talk it through together, and unless it is my own actions, I can't ever explain why someone does something that they do, but I still try to talk it through with them. This is very important to me that they learn, early on, not to take someone else's actions, personally....  I'll touch more on what I mean by this at a later time. I just feel that communication, ALLLLL around communication, is VITAL for people, including children, at all times of our life.  I am fortunate for the communication my mom had with me, because with her upbringing, she could have not communicated in any way, or sought the help that she did, not only for herself, but for us as well.... I'm thankful for that.... and I really want to continue that help-seeking desire.... you know, the one that just keeps you continuing to seek improvements for yourself and for your children and relationships?

Anyhow....

The underlying issue is ultimately mine....

My entire life has been spent not being good enough to or for anyone.... yes, family included.... Perhaps, this is caused by an extremely high expectation or what being "good enough" for someone means.... Perhaps that all comes from how you think someone "would" or "should" treat you if you were, in fact, good enough....

What do I mean by "I wasn't good enough?" ....

From my point of view, this is how it has felt.... these are the things I guess I've always thought, which has led me to the assumption that I wasn't ever good enough....  Mom was a single mom. She had three daughters, 2 ex husbands (who didn't like to help), and her own mother who depended on her (and by dependent, I don't mean she was ill or disabled, I mean she just really depended and EXPECTED my mom to take care of her and help her).  Take it back even further to Mom's childhood, where I won't go right now, and it seems almost justified that she wasn't the happiest person.

As MOST parents do, we have our moments... Overall, we feel an abundance of love and joy and would put our lives on the line for the ones we love, mainly our children.... There is a reason we continue to push through times that just feel hopeless for us.... Mom wasn't protected by her parents when she was younger.  She vowed, from such an early age, to never, ever have her children feel unprotected.... That was what was the most important to her. She wanted us girls (my sisters and I) to have a high level self esteem.  She wanted us to be confident.  She wanted us to have stability, something she also never had.... So she worked, and she worked hard.... she maintained the same job from 18 years of age until she retired.... She even picked up a 2nd job when times were tough, because it meant we would stay in the same house for 21 or so years.... She built on an entire house on the back of our house, so that my grandmother (her dependent mother), could live with her and be financially stable.... Mom spent much of her entire life ENSURING that that very same woman, who failed to protect HER as a child, was taken care of.... NEVER going without ANYTHING she has EVER needed....

Now, I will say that Grandma has helped us ALL very much in her later adult years. Living in her own house in the back of our house, allowed her to help mom watch us, take us to school, pick us up sometimes, make us dinner.... she did help.... Though those memories are not all good ones, I am thankful she was there to help in the comfort of our own home, and that we didn't have to go to any other daycare or anywhere else...  Grandma cooked a lot of our meals, because mom's hours were always different at work, but we always had mom's work number and she ALWAYS made herself available for and to us.... I KNOW we bugged her far more than my kiddos EVER would. (of course, we have entirely different technology now, like cell phones, etc).... Anyway.... I wasn't Grammy's favorite and that's okay for me now.  I was the middle child. My older sister was the greatest thing because she was the oldest (as was my grandma in her set of siblings after her brother passed away at a very young age, so perhaps that is where the "oldest" connection came in).... and then there was my younger sister, who was adored by Grammy because "she was the baby and soooo cute."  Funny, I don't resent her at all for being the baby and being soooo cute.... She was never overly spoiled and she was really quite dependent from a young age....

Grammy really helped her other daughter a lot. Mom and Auntie suffered a LOT as children.... they suffered through things I cannot even begin to fathom.... Two girls, went through very many of the same things together, and both handled things entirely different.... Now, like I've said, my blog is not a place meant to bash anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, though I am rather certain it will do one, if not both.... I am sorry for any offending or hurt feelings. These are not my intentions, but this IS my blog, and I don't want to sugarcoat how I feel about things or how I see them. This blog is just that.... how I view things.... how I see them.... and how I feel about them.... this says nothing about you or anyone else....  with that being said, let me go on.... Auntie headed down a path and she needed help. She needed lots of help from family and relatives and mom and Grammy helped a significant amount.  I remember, when I was a lot younger, my Aunt coming and staying at my grandma's house in the back of ours.... She was just emotionally exhausted.... cried a lot.... I remember a few more specific things, but won't go into the details. I just remember feeling so helpless.... like there was nothing that I could do to help. I also remember sitting on the floor or at grammy's dining room table because auntie was laying on the couch, either watching TV or sleeping. If she was sleeping, then we had to be really quiet or just go home, so we wouldn't wake her... I remember grammy standing in the kitchen (after she'd just worked a full day at the hardware store (she worked full-time), cooking dinner for everyone.... Maybe she really enjoyed cooking, or perhaps, it was out of guilt for where she lacked in her earlier parenting years, but whatever reason, there she was....

I didn't fully appreciate her actions as a child because she wasn't very kind to me. She was fine. She didn't physically beat me or anything. She just wasn't very kind.  My sisters would make stuff up and tell her and, without question or anything, she'd come knock me in the head with her knuckle. It wasn't abusive, truly, it wasn't, but it was enough to hurt and for me to feel angry with my sisters and my grandma (then) and think, "but I didn't even DO anything!!!!"

Whatever this is to some, it's just a glimpse in the past for me.... I wasn't able to process all of this as a child, but I held onto it. I guess I "put it in a pile to be sorted later," so-to-speak.... I observed the things that went on and I just held onto it and didn't think much about it, except how it made me feel and that there wasn't anything I could do, at that age, to make anything happen any differently than the way it was happening.... but I'd be damned if I didn't try.....

to be continued....