there's a first time for everything.

We have been together for three years now, and haven't been away, not even for a night together (except in Vegas, when we got married) but even then, we had room crashers....

I've been bugging Jason for three years to go somewhere with me.... Nothing was working, so in a desperate attempt, I said, "either go away with me this weekend, or we are getting a divorce."

Hello San Diego. You sure are beautiful!

The view from our room. Believe it or not, it was really nice. There was a guy sitting in the park below, playing his trumpet. Pretty cool. =)
Handsome hubby getting ready to go walk the streets of the gaslamp district that night. =)
My heart was saying, "yes, yes, yes!!!!" my jeans were saying, "no, no, NO!"

I told our waiter that this was our very first night away from the kids in THREE YEARS!!!! I'm not sure who had more to drink, Jason or the chef.... "Co-gratulations to our first night away" (from Jimmy Loves) YUM! We had an awesome artichoke dip, salad, shared a Kobe beef burger and a bottle of wine. They just surprised us with this dessert.
And being the hillbilly pigs that we are.... here was our dessert plate 30 seconds later. ;)
I absolutely HATE self portraits, but I wanted to remember this night for three reasons. 1. I pierced my schnoz. 2. I actually found a hat BIG enough to fit my ginormous head. and 3. it was our FIRST night away from the kiddos since we've been together! =)
Yes, this picture is super blurry, but the stairs across the street were all lit up. There was a couple holding hands and kissing. It was pretty stinkin romantic. These were the stairs at the Convention Center. The next morning, after we got our Starbucks, we walked up those stairs and sat overlooking the bay. It was really nice and the weather was PERFECT!
Typical asian tourist. haha, minus my peace sign and fanny pack. ;) This was on our way back to the hotel from our morning walk.
The hubby's not a big hand holder.... but I still hold his hand. ;)
After our morning walk and coffee, we went up on the roof to the pool.... and drank a few strawberry daiquiris.... at 1030 am.... and sat in the sun.... and the weather was PERFECTLY amazing!!!!!
It was a much needed night away.... Very grateful for this time to reconnect.... what have YOU guys been up to? I need to catch up!

dysfunctions run deep....

I woke up with great intentions and an internal monologue that went something like this:

"i'm gonna make those planters my, nevermind. i'm going to hack them all down and just cut everything down.... and the yard is going to look so clean and nice! YESSSSS!"

and then I get started. I mow and edge the grass.... I pulled the trashcan out and started cutting the rose bushes. But it didn't quite go as planned.

I seriously didn't have the heart to cut down the fresh, little red buds.... I felt like they were all crying to me, "please don't cut me down. i'm just a baby! i'm just starting to grow. i'm a living creature, just like you!"

so needless to say, my freakin planters look like crap, but at least i saved some little living creatures.... ugh.

my dysfunctions run pretty dang deep.

If I married someone with the last name Davidson, my initials would be A.D.D....

He pulls in to his parking spot after having left the house at 4 am and the first thing he'll probably see are multiple piles of leaves. You see, I got this really great idea that I was just going to climb up that slope and pull that ONE huge weed that is growing RIGHT there.... I see it every time I drive up our street and park in the driveway, and well, now.... right. this. very. second seems like the most perfect time to pick that one annoying weed.... However, pulling one weed is far too easy. That's too simple. I can pull just enough weeds to fill that tub right there and then I'll be done and go back inside.... and then I fill the bucket with weeds and dump it and think, "well maybe a couple more buckets and you'll actually SEE a difference from the street." So, one weed, turns into one bucket and one bucket turns into 2 and 2 turns into the entire slope AND then trimming the vines that hang over.... which now means that instead of one weed ending up in the trashcan, the entire side of our house is covered in piles....

So, he probably mumbles under his breath, and gets out of the car and comes inside with all intentions to be happy and lovey.... and then he walks into the kitchen. Half of the floor is scrubbed and there's probably a bucket of soapy, cold water with a scrub brush in it. But wait, I came inside to get a drink of water, because I was sweating from pulling the weeds. I wanted to fill up my cup with water after I filled it with ice, but the sink had a bunch of dishes in it. So I set my glass filled with ice, down on the counter and began doing the dishes. The phone rang, so I turned around with a cup in my hand to answer the phone and spilled something on the floor. When I bent down to wipe it up, I realized there were dust bunnies collecting on the feet of the stove.... So I grabbed the broom and swept the floor. Well sweeping the floor doesn't take much time and while sleeping the floor, I realized there were some dirt spots on the floor by the fridge. So I grabbed the bucket and brush from the garage so that I could just quickly scrub the floor. It'll look GREAT when Jason gets home. When I walked into the garage to get the bucket, I realized the washer was open. "I can just start a load. It'll only take 2 minutes and it can be washing while I'm scrubbing the floor, and by the time I come back to put the bucket away, the laundry will be ready to be switched. I'll save so much time!" So I go into the house to get a load of laundry together. "Oh! I should vacuum! It will look great for when Jason comes home!" So I go to grab the vacuum, bring it back and plug it in. "oops! laundry could be going right now. Let me go start that." So out towards the garage I start going, but I don't have enough darks to make a full load, but I bet Taylor will have some clothes to be washed. So I go into her room. It's a mess!! Let me just go grab a trash bag really quick. So I opened the cupboards under the sink to grab a bag and it's wet! There must be a leak!! So I pull everything out from under the sink and it's not wet.... oh well. Put it all back, including the trash bag I was going to grab to pick up trash in her room. Go back to her room for the laundry. Start a load. Come back into the house to start to clean the floor. Run super hot water with soap into the bucket, pour some onto the floor and use the broom and brush and wash it around on the floor. I'll let it sit so it can really pull up the dirt. I should go vacuum the bedroom while the water is sitting on the floor. But when I come into the bedroom to vacuum, I really have to go number 1. While sitting on the toilet, I realize I haven't scrubbed the tub in a long time.... I'll just spray tilex everywhere, and then vacuum. So I spray tilex but suddenly realize that even with the fan running it's still too strong to be in my room. I did the same thing last time. Forget vacuuming while the tilex soaks. I'll go back and finish the kitchen floor. and I do.... well the half that I started, right before I realized that it's time to pick Taylor up from school. So I need to wake Lewie up and get his juice and load him into the car.

You see, this is ongoing.... every. single. day.... I'm surprised my husband is still married to me!!!! He comes home to piles of weeds, a half scrubbed kitchen floor, a bucket with, now, cold water and the brush still in it, about 3 and a half dishes washed, an uncrustable in the micro (i thawed it for about 10 seconds but forgot about it and didn't hear the timer go off because I was either spraying tilex or turning on the vacuum, or maybe I was mowing the lawn. I don't remember).... and he'll come into the room. The bed is likely made, but there's probably clean laundry all over it, because i was going to fold it and put it all away before he got home, but probably ended up picking up dogpoop instead when I looked out the sliding door and saw a pile of poop out there.... or ended up pruning the rosebushes. Who knows what distracted me from whatever it was I was doing, but I don't even remember what I was doing before anyway, so who really cares? Just start another project and maybe the last one will come to me.

What's that saying? If you give a mouse a cookie? I think that's what it's like.... kind of....

And then I picked up a book called, "The ADHD effect on marriage" by Melissa Orlov.... deep breath in and a big ol' exhale!!!!

Join me, and the USS Reagan, would ya??

SO.... a while back, it was laid upon my heart to prepare a care package to send to an old friend from school who is currently deployed at sea. Little did any of us know the devastation Japan was going to face, and that her ship, the USS Reagan, would arrive there to assist in rescuing tsunami victims & survivors.... Since you can't just address a care package to "any soldier," I have asked her permission to use her address and ship their crewmembers care packages.... I've also asked her to ask her crewmembers for any special requests that any of them might have. She is going to do so, but doesn't know when she will be able to update me with their requests... Some of her requests, when I had asked her for HER requests a while back, were:

-the small bags of tuna (not the large ones, as they go bad faster than they can eat it), (found in a grocery store, they run about $2 each, however, Walmart has them for $0.78/each. BARGAIN!)

-doritos chips (cooler ranch)

-GIRL SCOUT cookies!! (her favorites are tagalogs which are the chocolate and peanut butter ones; I know the names are different depending on the area)

-the colored/flavored tortillas (usually still made by brand name companies: Mission tortillas, etc. , just different colors)

I tried thinking of things that wouldn't go bad while the package was in transit, as it takes 2 weeks, maybe longer, to arrive. So other things I came up with were granola bars (yummy ones from Trader Joes), candies (her favorites were mint 3 musketeers, but you can't find those everywhere. Again, i found them at walmart).... <--- i'll have you know, I don't like walmart and hardly EVER go there, but one of my co-workers told me that the bagged tuna was only $0.78 there, so I had to take a peek! Starbucks via (instant coffee), Starbucks Tazo Tea.

I'm certain, any ideas you come up with, will be greatly appreciated! I'll be posting on Facebook, the request lists, as I receive them.... (if i receive them. Hopefully i do! I'd love to be able to fulfill personal requests for their favorite stuff!)

Because of the nuclear explosions, there has been contamination on their ship and they've already had to move it. They are working on decontaminating it. I just can't even begin to imagine what they must be going through there.... The Japanese, the people attempting to rescue victims, while attempting to protect themselves at the same time.... I'm NOT in the military, and I'm NOT overseas, and i'm NOT a huge help, but if you've ever wanted to help in at least a small way, here's a great way to do so, AND you get a discount for mailing care packages. To ship a large priority mail package, the cost is $12.95, and you can cram that box full, as the price is flat rate, and not calculated by the weight of the package.

If mailing goodies for the other crewmembers, maybe you can just include a little note in the package, letting her know this box is for her crew.... That's what I'll be doing! If you'd like to get the items to me, I'll be more than happy to mail them for you!! Any and all donations, large or small are greatly GREATLY appreciated!!!!

Her mailing address is:

MM2 Di Meo, Kathryn E.

USS Ronald Reagan (CVN-76)

FPO/AP 96616-2876

Reactor/RT

If you are unable to send a package, maybe shoot them an email? Her email address is: dimeoke@cvn76.navy.mil

Please feel free to email me with ANY questions, on FB or at adkblog@gmail.com, or if you would like to donate any items. I'll be glad to pick them up and/or mail them for you! I'll also be making a few trips for more goodies, so if you'd like to donate any money, let me know. I'll show you the care packages we come up with!!! You guys are truly the greatest!!! Thank you in advance for all of your support!!!! We may not be over there doing the dirty work, but we can help the ones that are!!!! Thanks again everyone!!!

the firemen's tree.

There was a horrible accident by mom and poppa's house on Sunday morning. I was working that day, but got a call from mom. She'd told me that they'd heard horrible screeching and a car accident and moments later sirens.... Poppa (you probably know him from here ----> Patrick Tillett's blog), got dressed and went down to see what had happened....

There was a woman's body, lying lifeless in the grass.... The paramedics doing all they could to attempt to save her.... but it was too late.

She was greatly involved in Taylor's school for many years. Her, now middle and high school aged, children once attended Taylor's school, where she volunteered a great deal, was PTA president, and started SO many programs and such for the community.

She was on a walk with her son that morning, and had just gotten hold of a loose dog that had been dodging in and out of cars on busy Moulton. She was kneeling with the dog on the corner, when an SUV had run a red light, striking another SUV that was slammed into Mara, throwing her into the wall at the corner. She died instantly. Her son was not harmed, though the poor boy witnessed the entire thing, including the death of his mother.... The drivers and passengers had only minor injuries.

Pat was there when the husband arrived at the horrific scene.... the husband dropped to his knees, yelling over and over, "noooo! nooooo! noooo!" hugging her, just in hysterics....

I wasn't even there, yet it tore my heart out.... it turned my stomach in knots.... how AWFUL for this entire family to have such a tragic and sudden loss.... and yet things like this happen. every. single. day.... families are TORN apart from losses like these!!! How devastating it must be!!!!

Valentine's Day was her favorite holiday, and so they had all kinds of beautiful decorations and balloons and flowers out there for her, as well as tons of candles. The first time I'd visited the site was during daylight.... Mom took a beautiful candle down there and lit it for her....

Yesterday, while dropping the kids off at mom's and poppa's before work, I was stuck at the red light waiting to turn.... As we were waiting to turn, a pick up truck pulled up with a large tree hanging out the back.... a firetruck pulled up behind him.... they both parked.

(Firefighters from OCFA Station #39)

The firemen clearly knew to meet this man here to help unload the tree from this gentleman's truck. The firemen got off of their truck and stood at the site, staring at the candles for a few brief moments.... almost as if they were mourning the community's loss....

One of the firemen grabbed his gloves and wasted no time.... It was clear, they were going to leave this tree for sweet Mara....
The pictures are not the greatest, as I was just thankful to have had my camera in my purse, and to capture that emotional moment.... my eyes filled with tears for the kind gesture those gentlemen took time in their day to do.....

Just a few moments later, heading back down the same way I drove in, there was the tree....

from the fire department.... who likely arrived on the scene to try to save her life....

It was so bright, but overcast, so these pictures didn't turn out very well.... but the tree is beautiful!

After work that night, I went by mom's and poppa's for a little visit, as I sometimes do.... On my way home, I drove that route again.... and all of the candles were lit, again.... It had started to sprinkle outside.... There were no other cars on the once busy street.... The slight wind was gently blowing the red, heart shaped balloons back and forth.... The silver plates with red hearts that were hanging from the trees were spinning in circles.... The smell of the rain had been taken over by the scents of the glowing candles.... The tree that the firemen had placed there earlier stood tall.... and still.... and strong.... again, my emotions took over me, and in the silence of the night, it was a moment I cried for thanks that I was alive.... and for thanks that I have my family....

Today, was her funeral. They held the reception after the funeral at Taylor's school and asked for a little bit of help from everyone with the setup and desserts. I didn't know that the hand held, bite sized desserts represented anything, but they did. She is Jewish and I guess that is Jewish tradition and is to represent a sweet life for the family that was left behind.

And while dropping off the sweets at the school, we came across such a beeeeautiful rainbow!

I'm certain Mara was shining down on them....

i probably should've done time for this/these.

If anyone knew I did some of these things, I could probably go to jail....

or maybe I wouldn't go to jail, but I probably deserved to be there....

or maybe not, but you probably don't want me watching your kids....

sometimes I thought I was slick by not telling Jason some of these things, but when I whispered it to my mom on her birthday, he heard me....

BOOM! not so slick after all....

When lewie was just a tiny, little innocent newborn, he cried a lot.... like a lot, a lot. like more than average, a lot. I remember thinking thoughts in the middle of the night, like, "WHY did we think having a child was a good idea!?!"

1. One night he was really REALLY cranky (Lewie, not Jason), and cried for like 4 hours straight. maybe more..... I had fed him, burped him, gave him gas drops, changed him. checked him all over for like spider bites, and dinosaur bites. checked for ripped off toenails or fingernails... a strand of my hair wrapped around his toe cutting off his blood supply perhaps? I mean I didn't know WHAT the heck was wrong with him.... but I had had it.... I was crying. he was crying.... Jason was sleeping.... I swaddled Lew up, put him in his infant carrier and put him in the living room..... in the dark living room.... all by himself.... I remember I went back into the bedroom, where I smashed my face in between 2 pillows, with the lights on still, crying (and eventually fell asleep).... I woke up over an hour (or 2) later.... Lewie was still crying.... probably should've gone to jail then.... he was so tiny and innocent.... MAN I felt awful.

2. This was more recent.... it was a warm day.... a warm, WINTER day.... I opened our kitchen door which is attached to the garage and put this weight there to keep the door open. I opened our back slider and got a pretty decent draft going through there.... because the garage door was actually opened too.... well, I was doing something.... I don't remember what exactly, and I must've forgotten that I'd had a mobile child.... because as I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes, I saw my son, bare feet and all, walking up to our front gate to pet Asia, our dog.... he wasn't in the street or even close to being in the street, but still.... my stomach likely digested my heart and my intestines and it's probably why I haven't been the same since that day.... or because my mom gave me cereal when I was 2 weeks old. i'm not quite sure WHICH one messed me up worse.

3. I taught my son to swear. no, i'm not proud of this, and i planned on NOT telling Jason about this incident, but i can't keep anything from him really.... I had forgotten something one day, and slipped and swore in the car.... i said it out loud and rather firm.... Lewie then tries to imitate me in the backseat, repeating over and over what i'd said to the best of his ability.... it came out "BUH!" and he said it so firmly too! MAN was I ashamed!!!!

which took me back to that time we were driving home from my mom's and taylor says to Jason, "Daddy, mommy should give me a quarter every time she says a bad word. Then I'd be able to buy a car before I could even drive, huh dad?" BURN!

what were some of your not so proud parenting moments?

best buddies.

Taylor came to me a few weeks back with an application.

"Mom, can you sign the bottom please?" she asked, as she walked away.

So i'm "reviewing" this application....

What am i signing my life away for?

She wanted to be a "best buddy."

A best buddy is a volunteer that helps with the special ed students.

Her application said she wanted to help the special ed students because she thinks everyone deserves to feel welcome and to have friends. She went on to say that she thinks she will make a good "Best buddy" because she is patient, kind, caring, and dependable. When asked how often she would like to help out, she said as much as she is able to....

It moved my heart. I remember when I was in 3rd grade, the exact same grade she is in, I helped the special ed class too! I never told her that, but I will eventually. I don't want her to feel like she has to follow in my footsteps exactly....

So I hadn't heard anything else about the best buddies situation, until yesterday.

I picked her up from school and she says, "Mom, someone at my school had a seizure today!"

"Really?" I asked. "Did you know them?"

"It was Anna's little sister. She's in 2nd grade. We were just playing on the playground and all of a sudden, she wasn't breathing. She was just lying there."

"You were playing with her?"

"No, I was playing with my best buddy, and then all of a sudden the teachers told everyone to go to the field to give the firemen room and stuff."

"Oh.... the firemen came? Was she okay?"

"Well they couldn't get her to respond or anything for a little while. The nurse covered her up with a blanket and held her to keep her warm. You know, I didn't even know what a seizure was until today. My little buddy told me," she said.

"So your application got accepted to be a best buddy?" I asked.

"Yep. I get to play with them on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

She went on to tell me some of their names and how they are just like everyone else, but they might need things explained to them a little bit more. She told me you can't bug them or overwhelm them and not to get too wordy with them. You must be patient and have fun with them, just like everyone else.

Now, I'm not really great at expressing the warm fuzzy feelings I often feel on the inside, but boy did I love hearing that. It just takes me back to when I was younger and how I remember feeling the same way.... I remember thinking, "If only I could get the rest of the people to feel the same way. I wish kids didn't make fun of each other."

I hope Taylor doesn't grow up carrying a burden to "fix" the world, but that she leads by example and from a deep motivation that goodness and kindness can go very far in life.... How do you find the balance.... the in-between? I'm not entirely sure....

(side note: hold on, let me catch my breath.... I'm sitting in my room typing this.... Asia is snoring on the floor next to me.... We both hear the front gate/latch open and clank. She growls and jumps up, as do I at the exact same time. I put my computer on the floor and make a mad DASH for the front door, because it's open and Asia's going to attack whoever is there (not really, but she is ferocious sounding and looking).... I tripped twice and almost fell flat on my face dodging through the hallway and hopping over the couch.... MAN that was a close call! It was 2 women.... Jehovah's witnesses.... um, didn't they see the pile of dog poop by the front gate? I didn't go outside and poop on the cement, so wouldn't the assume there is a dog here? Gutsy to open people's gates and just come on in.... thankfully Asia didn't get to the door before I did and thankfully they didn't make it all the way in.... and NOT because they're Jehovah's witnesses.... I don't like anyone I don't know coming to my door.)

okay, now back to my obsessive labeling and organizing of Taylor's room!!!

As"King" Ashley

Dear Ashley,

I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. I mean, everything I read seems to point in the general direction of ME and my whole life.... I think it's affected many of my relationships and I'd like to get the help I need so that I do not ruin relationships in the future. You seem kind of scattered or crazy yourself.... What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Likely ADD

----------

Dear What's your name,

I am NOT scattered OR crazy.... I am both!!!

I'm sorry, what was your question?

Buymebarbies.... aka Mom.

usually her calmness, calms me too....

i'm still certain it will be okay, but what if it wasn't? usually her "it's gonna be all right" attitude and smile lead me to believe that it all will be.....

there are many things i've recognized about myself and many that i haven't yet noticed, because i've just dismissed them as "That's just me and how I do things."

now, i'm going to go back a few steps and you may or may not follow, but i must go back before i move forward....

in the hospital.... when i worked in the hospital, i got patient Joe.

Joe suffered a stroke the day before.

Joe came to me, unable to feed himself, unable to speak, unable to move, unable to do anything, but lie there.... with his mouth open.

my job....

my job was to clean him up, checking on him, monitoring him, while they ran further tests to see the damage....

Joe was married.

his wife came in and told me, "i can't believe this. just yesterday i was talking to him. laughing with him..... i can't believe this."

you see, i didn't KNOW Joe yesterday.

i didn't know the Joe that laughed, talked, fed himself, walked to the bathroom, got himself ready.

i didn't know that Joe.....

there was no emotional connection to Joe.

so, for me, i was able to care for this Joe.... the only Joe i knew....

and I could see that Joe's wife was distraught.

and so i could comfort her, as much as i could....

there was no emotional attachment to either one of them....

doesn't mean that i didn't feel a connection to them,

i just didn't have a history with them....

it wasn't hard for me to help them.

THERE WASN'T AN EMOTIONAL PAST with them...

i am good, when there isn't an emotional connection to the people.

and i think most people are, or at least can be.

you stand back and think it would be easier to care for someone you love and care about....

everyone thinks that until they've done it....

or tried to do it....

you'd be AMAZED at how many people do not have the support of their family while in the hospital.

or how many marriages end or fall apart when one partner gets ill....

people don't know how to digest the emotions that come along with it all....

your fear of losing the person may come out in an entirely different shape or form....

often my "fear" looks more like "crazy."

you'd be amazed at what adrenaline can allow you to do....

you'd be amazed that you remember every single step to checking someone's airways and attempting to resuscitate them, when you find someone unconscious.....

you'd be amazed at how much weight you can hold when you HAVE to.... or how much throw up, blood or diarrhea doesn't even phase you when you're caught off guard and it's about saving someone's life or preventing them from being hurt....

what about when it's your strong dad that you're used to seeing lift EVERYTHING?

or how he was the only one who EVER drove ANYWHERE, but now you are assisting him into the back seat of the car with pillows, and oxygen, only to watch him fall over onto his side and just lie there and not want to be moved?

or how about when you walk in to check on him and he has not made it to the toilet.... or even to the side of the bed to ask for help?

what about when it is your, once strong, father who is now the weak one needing assistance?

you don't know what boundaries there are, but there ARE boundaries....

if not YOUR boundaries, then he certainly has his own.

and after all, he's still the boss. he's still your elder.

he's still your father. and he'll still tell you what you can and can't do....

and there's still this respect that you have for him, that won't allow you to cross those boundaries....

i KNOW those....

as much as i WOULD have jumped in and done anything in the world to help him, he didn't want my help.... sometimes he needed my help, but he didn't want it....

"you don't need to see me like this," he'd whisper in his deep Southern accent....

.....

i could help soooo many people, daily, in the hospital, but i couldn't even help my own father.

i felt almost helpless, kind of numb and kind of confused....

i felt like i could provide the very best care for him, yet i couldn't really help him at all....

.....

and then here i am.

an entirely different situation, but all of the exact same feelings arise....

my mother.

my right hand.

you might know her as buymebarbies from pat's blog.

that's my rock.

her and jason.

the 2 people in my bullseye....

i still see her as the strong, tough, hard (fulltime) working, bikeriding, rollercoaster riding, chase you up the escalator in the department store mom that i had growing up....

that's what she is.... or what she was....

that's what she is to me....

however, years and years pass....

and people grow,

and people change.

mom needs surgery* on her spine..

tomorrow.

tomorrow morning.

i was fine, FINE, up until yesterday....

and then i just lost it...

i think it was slowly building up, but yesterday is when it became visibly clear for me.... and would you know, that up until yesterday i talked to her everyday....

but yesterday was hard for me emotionally, so you'd think that of all days, that YESTERDAY would be the day i'd call and talk to her....

nope.

i'm not quite wired like that all the time, but would like to be.

she doesn't need to hear me cry.

or tell her i'm so scared for her surgery....

i have no doubt that she'll be okay....

but my fear comes from the day she won't be okay....

my fear comes from the day i am without her....

of all those times that jason is in a meeting at work and can't listen to me vent,

she does.

when i get off of work at 1030 at night, and jason and the kids are fast asleep.... guess who isn't?

she isn't...

she's awake, and hasn't ever told me not to come over....

in fact, she's allowed me to come over every single time....

she's the one who puts the phone on the bathroom counter and hops on one foot to get into her pants while leaning over to still hear what i'm saying....

brushes her teeth, and puts make up while i go on and on and on about whatever it is i go on about....

she'll have an appointment, you know, but she'd never not make time for me....

she's the one who nudges me in the back when i come up with some larger than life idea....

she's the one who says i'd be a great nurse.... or doctor..... or comedian.... or anything else i've ever contemplated being in my lifetime.....

she's the one who got down on her knees on the floor with me and held me while i've cried....

the one who laughs and drops mattresses with me everytime we move them....

she's the one whose laugh is contagious, no matter who you are....

she's the one you wanted to do nice things for just to make her feel half as good as she made you feel. you wanted her to feel as important as she always made you feel....

she was the only one i always wanted to crawl into bed with and hold hands with until we fell asleep. and she would hold my hand. and when i'd wake up and we wouldn't be holding hands, i'd re-hold her hand.... and she'd let me....

i'd try to make her breakfast on the weekends, and the pancakes would be waaaaay undercooked (and cold by the time she got them). the butter wouldn't even melt. The eggs were far overcooked (burnt and cold by the time she got them). her coffee probably tasted like pig toes, but she still drank it....

i don't know how she did it....

my mom is the one who will shop with me for hours so that i can find something i like.... she's got the patience to sort through every random piece of clothing to find my size.... she is determined.... she follows through with everything she does and everything is always complete and dang near perfect when she's done it....

she's the mom who spent her annual 2 weeks of vacation with us on our spring break and summer vacation, taking us to have the times of our little lives....

we always had cool souvenirs and great memories....

i was the biggest nerd, but somehow still felt cool.....

all because of her....

....

i know all of the "enjoy your mom while she is alive and well" comments are coming.... and i will most certainly try my hardest to do so.... i try every single day....

the emotional attachment IS there....

i DID know mom when she could ride rollercoasters and not get sick.

i DID know mom when she would chase us up the escalators, while other parents stoodby with the glares, like, "you are condoning this?"

i DID know my mom when she would go on 3o mile bikerides for fun.

i DID know my mom like that....

so to slowly watch those things stop, DOES affect me....

the fear of her surgery DOES scare me, because i know she can't just bounce back from it like she might have been able to do when we were younger.... when we were ALL younger....

i'd be lost without her....

she is one of the only 2 people in my bullseye and my heart would be empty with such a huge chunk missing....

.....

so aside from the negative way that this may have sounded like, it was really meant to be positive.

she is such a huge part of me....

i love her a great, GREAT deal, and i think i am unable to put it into words what i feel for her while i sit in front of her face-to-face, so here's to you momma....

half of my bullseye....

i love you.

i hope your surgery goes well and that you heal fast, so we can get to working out! ;)

LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH! (so do Lewie, Taylor and Asia)

*(her surgery is on her spine.... for disintegrated discs in between her vertebraes.... she has a lot of neck problems, and had surgery 11 years ago for the same thing. there is very little, almost no spinal fluid around her spinal cord, and the doctors said if she even did something so small as to trip on the curb and fall, she could die, because of the lack of fluid surrounding her spine!) like i keep telling her, she should REALLY start her own blog. she's much better at explaining it than i am.... but keep her in your prayers and good thoughts, would you? i would really appreciate that!!)

her baby joined the marines....

she walked in, in tears....

she couldn't even catch her breath to tell us what she wanted to drink.....

somehow she managed to mumble it out in between her chokes and cries....

i didn't hear it, but amber did.

"don't worry about it. it's on us," amber said.

the tearful woman, went and curled up in the corner....

in the big, comfy leather chair.... just bawling into her hands....

i couldn't help but to wonder what brought her to such tears, but even more, what drove her to starbucks for a drink in the midst of a crying fit....

but the wonder of where her pain stemmed from took over again....

her drink was done.

i couldn't just call it out for her.

and thankfully no one else was in line.

no other drinks to be made.

so i walked her drink to the other side of the counter....

i caught myself softly whistling "indescribable."

funny, the timing on that.

she didn't even know i was coming, until she heard my steps approaching her....

she looked up and her cheeks were red.

her eyes were puffy.

she ran her sleeves across her face.

both sides.

"can i give you a hug?" i asked.

she didn't even hesitate.

she just opened her arms and hugged me.

and i hugged her for a while.

told her that i didn't know what troubled her heart, but that i hoped it went away soon....

"you probably think i'm being a huge baby," she cried.

"nope. if it hurts your heart, you are entitled to cry."

"my 18 year old son just told me he joined the marines," she choked out....

and then she began to cry harder....

"he joined with one of his best friends.... said they joined through this buddy system thing, where they won't be separated.... like it's preschool or something.... he can't defend himself.... he's 120 lbs!!! took a punch in football in high school and broke his jaw in 3 places...."

she went on and on....

forgive me for thinking, (and then saying), "well he'll be able to defend himself after bootcamp."

she said, "marines. they're the first ones in and the last ones out..."

now forgive me for what i'm about to say, because i absolutely know that i know very little about this....

BUT,

taylor's dad was in the marines.

as was her uncle....

and my dad was, and my stepdad was....

and a lot of other people were too.

now i've also known people in the army.... and a friend of a friend who was a navy seal....

taylor's dad was deployed a few years ago.... as was her uncle....

their JOBS decided where they would be and what they would do overseas.... (if i'm not mistaken.... or unless they lied to me)....

one of my very dear friend's husband is in the army.... he has been deployed far more times than any marine i've known.... (i am not, in ANY way, discounting ANY marine).... i guess i was just looking for things to try to ease her pain....

so many thoughts went through my head.... we live here in AMERICA.... where we have FREEDOM, but IT'S NOT FREE.... there are SO many different reasons that people join the military, but they join none-the-less..... and as scared to death as i would be if either one of my children told me they joined the military, i would have to feel proud of them for a decision they've decided to make on their own....

if i've learned ONE thing in my 8 years of parenting, it's that sometimes supporting your child will be the hardest, most difficult thing you'll ever have to do, but their happiness is the ultimate goal.... you cannot tell your child what they need to do and expect that they'll just do it.... do you think i had a line of support behind me when i announced being pregnant at 18?!! ha!

but once MY decision was made to become a mother, the amount of support behind me has gotten me to where i am today.... i didn't think about some of the things that would come along with parenting, but you learn as you go.... i don't know how my initial response will be for all of the things that will come my way as a parent, but it is always so helpful to watch and observe others and how they react and respond with their situations.... think about how YOU'D want to react and store it in a little file in the back of your mind....

needless to say, i'm a sucker for helping anyone who hurts, so you're right, i sat there and hugged her for a good long while until one of her girlfriends arrived....

and she hugged me again before she left....

and this just played in to the whole mess of emotions that have been stirring through my head....

about where i'm supposed to be.

what i'm supposed to be doing.....

doing what i'm good at,

and doing what i love.....

but that's an entirely different blog....

to all of the mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, children, grandparents.... to all of those who have sacrificed a family member being home with them, holidays, a good night's sleep.... to those who have given up their sanity, their choice or not, i am grateful.... because without any of those people stepping up to fight for our country, we wouldn't have EVERYTHING we have.... i am grateful. for having my family members, my children, a good night's sleep next to my husband.... for without everyone else's sacrifices, i just might not have those things....