Monday, March 11, 2013

I silenced my blog from the world.
I almost forgot I did that.
It's safe to come here whenever I want again.
I'm thankful for that....

You know, this morning was the first morning I got myself out of bed, excited to work out.
I didn't even change out of my pajamas.
I wore my black wool socks that Jason got me as a Valentine's Day gift a few years back, a pair of drawstring pants I got right after Lewie was born, my white hanes t-shirt, my nikes and my pink zip up hoodie....
I threw on some deodorant, brushed my teeth and threw my hair into a ponytail.
My health isn't going to just find its way to me.... but I can sure start on finding my way to it!
I want to feel good!
I honestly don't know what makes me feel good, because everything I've ever thought makes me happy is outside of me....
Jason makes me happy.
The kids make me happy.
Love makes me happy.
Holding hands makes me happy.
Making other people happy, makes me happy.
But all of those things requires the actions of another person (minus that of love)....
If Jason is having a bad day, it can ruin my day too.
Same as the kids.
If Lewie isn/t listening well or into what I want to do,  that can change my mood.
If I want to hold hands and connect and Jason isn't holding my hand "tight enough" or something isn't how I imagine it to be, I can feel upset inside, which affects how I act outside....
and I'm tired of that....
I'm tired of that always depending on everyone else....

I have honestly wondered why I have helped so many people and most of them, people I don't particularly have a close relationship with.... I don't help people so that they CAN help me back, I think that I help people because I want something to click and for them to WANT to help themselves.... I can remember some moments of clarity.... some ah-ha moments throughout my life that triggered my wanting to change.... I have hoped, that by continuously helping people as much as I can, that 1. I am doing my duty in being used by God to do as I "should" (even though I absolutely can't stand that word) 2. will help spark someone's desire to change and become this amazingly incredible lifesaving person as well.... and 3. will feel happy because i will be making other people happy (?)

The last one is totally far-fetched and just goes to show that, clearly, I haven't let go of expectations.... which I have been working on for years....

I remember some things from my therapist, Marie.... and they stick out like thorns on a rose bush.  You can't ever forget them... I remember her telling me one time that your happiness cannot depend on someone else's actions.... They will fail you. They will hurt you.  They will disappoint you and they will let you down.... if you put them on a pedastal, they will fall... and you will hurt....

It makes sense now.... a different kind of sense than what it made before....

Those bad days Jason sometimes has?  Those days when Lewie isn't hearing anything I'm saying?  Those times I have to ask Taylor 15 times to do the same thing, because she doesn't get up and do it the first time I ask her?  My happiness has so heavily relied on the outcome of those things....

so today, after my long absence from blogging, I am going to try to pick up where I left off.... I am going to try to get everything out as it comes up and continue to move forward.... writing has always made me feel good.... perhaps it was the positive responses I would receive.  I always loved coming on and finding blogger friends leaving comments, or people sending me emails about how they can completely relate to a post or something similar.... those moments move me.... but more than that, I free myself of all of the thoughts on repetition in my head.... It allows my mind more room to process OTHER thoughts and things more clearly....

Back to starting blogging all over again, again.... =)

Bear with this bumpy ride that's likely to be incredibly boring and full of emotions at times.... (well, in case I ever make this public again).

so long for now.... Disneyland has rides that aren't going to ride themselves.

3 comments:

Ms. A said...

Good Lord, can I ever relate to this post!!! I have spent my entire life helping others, to the exclusion of helping myself and when they fail, it's me that feels like the failure. I'm finally coming to the realization that I can't help someone that doesn't (sincerely) want help, it's something they have to do for themselves.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

Ms. Christina said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are writing again. & I just love the fact that I logged on today and saw your post. =)

Ms. A said...

Okay, this is where I left off, not knowing I had missed some prior ones. How did Jason's face end up? I saw this in May, you wrote it in March and you were supposed to be getting back on track with blogging, so where the heck are you?