Friday, November 19, 2010

O-B/ G-Y-do i have to do this every year-N!!

WARNING: This post will make you squirm! do not read on if you get embarrassed easily.... consider yourself warned!

it's november.... and thanks for the little postcard reminder that it's that time of year again.... for me at least....

time for the well-vagina check. YUCK!
i KNOW i am not alone in, pardon me, ON this one....
i had the same dr for about 8 years....
loved her, well as much as you could love someone inspecting your vagina, aside from your husband. (not that mine INSPECTS mine, but you know what i mean)
she didn't make me feel TERRIBLY awkward.
she wouldn't STARE at my boobs while examining them.
i loved her, until my last pregnancy....
when i told her something was wrong with me, and that i couldn't walk....
i said "it feels like the BONE or something."
she insisted that nothing was wrong and that it was ligament pains that i was feeling.
"um, no. these are NOT ligament pains. i can't freakin walk. it HAS to be something else...."
anyway, out of frustration, she sends me to a specialist....
a perinatologist....
after just seeing me walk wobble in (with a cane),
and describe my symptoms to him, he knew....
he knew right away what was wrong with me....
he said, "symphysis pubis dysfunction."
then he pressed his monstrous thumb down on my pelvic bone and his thumb went through it. (that's what he said, no joke.)
and it hurt....
LIKE HELL!!!
he said "it's separated at least an inch right now." (and that was EARLY ON in pregnancy!!!!) imagine how much worse it was going to get.... because he said "it's going to get worse before it gets better."
he referred me to another dr for the remainder of my pregnancy....
new doctor was a male doctor.
i'm not entirely sure about you, but having some male, (they have larger hands), inspecting my vagina, does not sound, or feel, like a wonderful idea....
anyway.... thankfully i didn't have to be examined until the end of my pregnancy, which came to a halt at 36 weeks when Lewie was delivered by c-section anyway.... so i was checked once, maybe twice by mr. doctor.....

well.... it's a year and a half later and although i had one examination by him since Lewie was born, i don't want another....
so i'm on the market for a new OB/ GYN.... dun dun dun....
don't you HATE looking for a new vagina dr?
seriously?
i CAN'T be the only one....
it's like, i want to see a picture of the person....
and then not only that, but then i want to schedule an interview with this person, because just seeing their picture doesn't make me comfortable enough....
but my first "interview" with them, involves me being completely naked....
on the exam table....
with a sweaty buttcrack.
don't laugh.
the nurse walks you back and into the room.
she opens the drawer and pulls the oversized paper towels out....
they're all nicely folded, so you can't really tell what it is....
unless you've done this before....
then you know....
you KNOW, know... that's it's like tarzan wearing a leaf over his package....
they walk out of the room and say, "the doctor will be in to see you shortly."
and then it's like a race against the clock.... (or the doctor)....
hopefully, oh HOPEFULLY i'll be fully undressed and covered back up before the doctor comes in.... i'm hopping on one foot to get out of my pant legs....
folding my underwear all up and inside my pants and putting them somewhere the doctor won't have to move them and have them accidentally fall onto the germ infested floor....
speaking of the germ infested floor...
you don't want to walk barefooted in the room, so you keep your shoes on.....
(which is why i always wear flip flops to the dr),
but then you have to make sure your feet don't look all tore up when you go....
do you have hairy toes or feet?
or ingrown toenails?
or chipped nailpolish?
or dried corns?
me either.... just checking....
but how wonderful and flattering is a paper towel outfit (you're completely naked) with shoes??
seriously.... when you are getting examined, your feet are pretty much wrapped around doctors neck....
oh wait, no they're not, they're spread about 5 feet apart....

anyway, back to hopping around on one foot, with my bare butt hanging out, hoping and PRAYING the doctor doesn't walk in right at this second, because how EMBARRASSING would that be?
first impressions are everlasting, you know....
so a bare, white, jiggly butt....
not quite the impression i want to give....
so then off with the clothes and as i'm folding them up, i realize i'm facing the parking lot....
which has me freaked out.... can they see in here?
i don't care that i'm on the 4th floor....
can they see in here?!
so i slightly close the blinds.... downwards, hoping i didn't make it too obvious that i did that.... still allowing enough light in the room, to where doctor doesn't walk in and think "MAN it's dark in here" and then fully open the blinds for the entire parking lot to see my vagina with a bright inspection light shining right on her.... it.... whatever you want to call it....

so clothes are put aside....
folded up nicely....
bras tucked in....
i now have an 80's "gold gym" style kind of shirt.... made of paper....
you know, the arm holes are draped down, pretty much defeating the purpose of a shirt anyway....
i'm holding my paper vest closed, to cover my boobs and realize my stomach is rolled over....
roll after roll after roll... yes, about 3 or 4 if i recall correctly.... and i'm sweating... horribly.... my armpits are sweating....
and my butt is sweating too....
in fact it's not only sweating, but it's now eating the paper that i'm sitting on, on the exam table...
i've been squinching my butt cheeks so tight together that i am now eating the paper that is supposed to protect my butt from germs....
ewwww. grossssss!
what if there was another paper-eating butt on here before me.... and now my butt is going to be getting THEIR butt germs on my butt? i'm getting all germ-freaked out when the doctor walks in, mid butt-cheek lift....
i'm lifting one side of my butt in a desperate attempt of paper regurgitation.... hoping my bum would free the exam table paper....
we shake hands.
"nice to meet you."
blah blah blah.... i don't even know what is being said....
all i can think about is "butt. sweating. paper. dissolving.... shit...." (not literally.... just figuratively.)
i'm like "okay, i just showered like an hour ago... this can't be bad...." (in my head, not out loud.)
how bad is it going to be?
do i expect a monster to jump out or something?
i don't know what i expect....
but i expect something....

so out come the stirrups.... and no, not the super cool pants from decades ago...
the metal stirrups .... the ones you put your feet onto.... dun dun dun....
so here i am.
holding this tiny paper blanket and wrapping it around my half bare ass and my lap, keeping it as tightly closed as i can, but i just KNOW my buttcrack is hanging out in the back....
"put your feet in the stirrups and scoot down...."
i put my feet in the stirrups as i lay back on the table, however i'm still holding the paper blanket over my vagina....
and it's like this horrible anticipation until the doctor lifts the blanket and shines the light right there......
"okay, scoot down.... closer to me..."
and you slide down... about a foot.... okay, not really, it was really like half of a centimeter but it FELT like at LEAST a foot.... maybe more.... and they say, "more," as they're giving you the hand signal to keep it coming.... kind of like someone directing you to parallel park.... only you're parallel parking your vagina in their face.... a LITTLE bit different....
i just knoooow, i'm totally dragging the paper with my butt, because i can't seem to loosen my butt muscles at all....

oh, cute.
there's a smiley face on the ceiling.
that makes everything all better.
NOT!
so finally your butt has reached the end of the table and you're pretty sure you're going to fall off and then doctor says, "now relax your knees."
are you KIDDING ME?!
i don't care HOW many pap smears i've had in my life, i can NEVER "relax my knees."
they nudge your knees.
"just let em relax.... let em go."
using their elbow to nudge my knees.... "drop em."
they probably think, "how in the hell did you get pregnant?"
and i think, "how in the hell do you NOT have black eyes from someone KICKING you in the face?" it is ALWAYS just as awkward as the first time you've ever had one done....
then after THAT exam, comes the breast exam. i'm still sweating, and still feeling as awkward as ever.... then they come and lift open your paper vest.... the only safe haven and covered body part you've had!!!! and then BAM! now your boob is out in the open too!!! and then it just gets awkward.
it's like you make eye contact with them, because it's an invasion of privacy, and you can tell it's awkward for them too, maybe?
"are my nipples hard?" you begin to wonder?
and then you don't want them to think that in ANY way this is arousing.....
i've contemplated saying, "i'm cold, NOT aroused," but refrained.... i'm sure the goosebumps gave it away.
they try to make small talk....
"so how are the kids?"
"doing well. they're out of school for the breast, i mean rest, of the week."
shit! even MORE awkward.... so i turn my face away as if to show them how upset and uncomfortable i am that they're doing this, but they just keep on about their exam... and as they get closer to the inner part of my arm, i'm damn near certain they're going to put their fingers in my sweaty armpit.... as if it couldn't get any MORE awkward....
it totally just did....

so after all is said and done, dr says something like, "okay, all done, you can get dressed now."
and you sit up, feeling totally awkward, and almost violated, for lack of a better word.

"thank you."
wait, WHY did i just thank them for making me about as UN-comfortable as i could possibly ever be in my life? seriously....
awkward!!!!

i wanted to just throw the postcard away and hope that my annual exam would go in the trash with it.... however i know it needs to be done....
now to start the "interview" process..... grrrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaat!


10 comments:

Ms. Anthropy said...

Don't you just absolutely hate all that!!! (and they don't even provide a stiff drink or nice meal, beforehand)

Ashley King said...

oh Ms. A, how i've MISSED YOU!!!!!!

indeed, no stiff drink, or a nice steak dinner!!!! pft! at least make it worth my time!! ;)

Ani Meador said...

Shit! I can NOT stop laughing. You broke it down exactly. I hide my bra and underware too. But then I wonder, if there's none out, do they think I came in not wearing any?? I was just thinking I was going to tell you that you needed to blog and this was an awesome post to come back with. I'm still laughing! I too have been shopping for a new one since moving to the OC. I just can't bring myself to do it. I need to but I can't. If you find a good one, let me know.

Marlene said...

Oh boy....you had me laughing so hard I almost pee'd my pants at the whole "butt eating paper" section.

I can so relate to all this...which is why I laughed so hard...because I'm done until next August....LOL.

Bossy Betty said...

Oh yes! You have captured this experience EXACTLY! Oh my gosh! I am laughing at this!

Bixler Brood said...

Yep, this is (i'm sure) how all women feel! It almost replicated my annual visit to the Teet, I'm mean T. ha! Well, if I still lived back in CA, I would still recommend my OBGYN from when I had Brennen. She is in Long Beach still and her name is Dr. Cynthia w. Chao. I love, love, love her and matter of fact, my mom now goes to her!

Ashley King said...

i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one who goes through this....

i was beginning to think i was crazy, but i KNEW someone else out there had to know this exact same experience. hahaha. minus the paper eating butt maybe?? ;)

Ashley King said...

shelb, i am trying to cut my drive from laguna to newport down. although i LOVED being affiliated with Hoag, i don't plan on any more children.... at least for now, so i'll make due with a dr around the corner.... maybe.... depends on how the "interview" goes.... awwwwwkward! hate this time of year. ugh! maybe with it being the holidays and all, we'll have something to talk about .... ha!

Stephanie said...

How did I originally miss this post? I am laughing so freakin hard. Especially about the part where you try to get undressed so fast so the Dr. doesn't walk in on you bending over butt naked folding your underwear. LOL And is it weird that all I've ever had is male doctors? I actually think they are more gentle then women. Good luck on the OB search. My exam is every Nov. also. I dread that month.

Christine said...

Absolutely hilarious, and also very accurate! I've been lucky to have a great doctor...a male, actually...and had no complaints. Well, maybe one: he told me that his mother-in-law sews the little cover-up blankets he uses instead of the standard paper sheets. I asked him if maybe she could make them a little bit bigger....

Seriously, he's so great that I waited for him to come back from having prostate surgery so that he could do my hysterectomy two years ago. He referred to the appointment to complete the pre-op consents as the "signing ceremony" and presented the surgical fees as his "MSRP". Love the guy, but I;m just glad that he didn't charge by the inch for the initial incision...