It's 21:47 p.m. on a day that I was awake way too early.... My first alarm went off at 04:00 a.m. this morning.... I felt cheerful, as I honestly normally do most mornings.... If I wake up, and my husband is home, and my dog is in my bed and my kids are both alive and breathing, I can say, I honestly feel so thankful to be alive.... I think my husband might even agree with me on this one.... I am cheerful in the mornings. He usually says that I'm too cheerful.... I'll take that. I'll take that over being a grumpy old whatever, any day.....
Anyway....
Can I jump into my overload of thoughts and emotions tonight?? I know, I know.... I didn't ever finish the story about the "caretaker" and such.... Truth be told, it's because it is still an ongoing issue and investigation.... I didn't really think that much would come of the investigation, only because the investigator was pretty straight-forward with the social worker and letting us know that we would REALLY have to have some SUPER strong evidence that this "Caretaker" was doing this maliciously, because chances are/were that she would use the whole "he said/she said" thing, and when the District Attorney stands before a jury, they will need to prove beyond a reasonable doubt, that this person KNEW they were committing a crime.... The most awful part is that the investigator literally says to me, "Both you and I KNOW that what this woman did was a crime and intentional, but we have to be able to prove this to a jury.... without a reasonable doubt..... it can't be he said/she said.... this woman KNOWS what she is doing..... and it makes it sooo hard for us.... You can't even imagine how many cases we get like this every single day...."
Those words literally made me SICK to my stomach!!!! The investigator FINALLY contacted me after almost one whole year to catch up on this case with me.... This woman has since left the United States for the Philippines, stayed away for some time, come back and visited Las Vegas and slowly made her way back to Orange County again....
There are several different Facebook pages that she actively uses....
Okay, let me disconnect from that emotional connection tonight because it upsets me to my core.... I can't even begin to explain to you guys what it does to me.... It is awful.... It makes me feel SO incredibly helpless and hopeless because SOOOOO many senior citizens out there fall VICTIM to these people!!! These sickening people, just waiting to prey on vulnerable elderly folks....
This investigation is still active because there is still new info coming in, ALMOST one year later....
Tomorrow....
Tomorrow is Thursday, September 8th, 2016.... Tomorrow is exactly 1 month from her official diagnosis from her neurologist..... Alzheimer's has set in.... This horrific disease that we've only heard about and seen in movies has decided to disrupt our lives....
I sat there in the neurologist's office for an hour and a half with her.... I was still in my scrubs.... We all should have known this was coming, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.... It felt like a blow that took my breath away.... I heard the first sentence and the rest felt like a blur....
He asked her the year.... She had no idea....
He asked her the month.... She had no idea....
He asked her the year of her birth.... Again, she had no idea....
It felt like blow after blow after blow....
I sat there, crossing fingers in my head....
cheering her on in my mind....
"Come oooonnnnn..... you know this!!!! I KNOW you know this....."
and yet, the answer, furthest from reality, just spewed from her lips....
It just felt like blow after blow....
That's the only way I know how to describe the pain.... blow after blow after blow....
.......
Yet, there she was sitting next to me....
Completely clueless as to what's going on....
She looks up at me and smiles and, fighting back the tears, I smile back at her.....
She says, "Well.... I guess that's all, huh? I'm in good health....?? Just my thyroid.... that's it!"
I smile back.... I turned to my right to quickly wipe the tears from my eyes....
I turned back and said smiled again.... She was holding on to my hand....
She looks at the dr and says, "I'm so lucky to have this friend."
And literally, he smiles back at her and says, "You really are...."
She has absolutely NO idea that her whole world is about to be rocked....
Even if she DID know.... She would just as soon forget....
But just as soon as she'd forget, I would not...
My heart continues to break....
Tomorrow is 1 month, exactly, since she was diagnosed....
1 month exactly for me to process it all....
To contact the one and only living sibling in another country with an interpreter.....
1 month to try to figure out everything that has been done and everything that still needs to be done....
1 month to process that there is not another soul on this planet who wants nothing more from her than for her to be well.... for her final wishes to be granted... and her to keep all that is hers.... and designate it accordingly (her wishes are for her money to go to a children's charity.... one where children who have nothing may have something because of her donation).... I vow to help her dreams come true....
A situation that has brought tears to my eyes and conflict in my heart because I fear the time it will take to ensure her wishes are granted....
I fear the time it may take away from my family and loved ones....
But the sense of peace comes from knowing that my heart will not rest easy without doing this much....
I wish I could care less than I do, but that isn't the case....
I wish I could wash my hands clean of many other things, but I just can't....
That isn't the case....
That isn't me....
I am very s.l.o.w.l.y. coming to terms with accepting the depths in which I care....
I was given this heart for a reason....
I can only hope it changes a life in my lifetime....
To be continued....
