Caretakers don't always take care.... Part 2.

I can remember the exact seat I was sitting in when I knew we needed to move.... Mom, half-joking, asks me if I remember moving up to the edge of my seat and grabbing my backpack and purse and saying, "I'm going. We need to go now. Mom, we need to go there now."  I do remember that.... I think that's part of having an empathetic and A.D.D. heart (and mind).... everything feels equally important.... but this.... THIS really did feel like if we didn't act damn near immediately, that something more horrible was going to happen....

Mom asked what I thought we should or could do, and I didn't know.... In fact, I really had no idea.... We were waiting to get the call from the doctor regarding Poppa's surgery and how it turned out.... I sat on the edge of my seat, anxiety twice as high now....

Mom and I were able to go up to Poppa's room and Jason had called me shortly after, letting me know he was on his way to the hospital with the kids. "Let's get dinner," he'd said....

I couldn't think about food. I couldn't think about anything but going to Grammy's and Friend's apartment.... Some time passed. Jason and the kids came upstairs to see Poppa and we figured we'd better get out of there for the night.... We left the hospital and headed to a small shopping center with a bunch of small places to eat.... I honestly can't even remember where we picked, but somewhere quick and easy... We sat down, inside, to eat.... I'm pretty sure I let Lewie play on my phone to distract him and Taylor had a hint about what was going on.... I'd told Jason what was going on and how I felt like "we" needed to do something. He asked what I thought we needed to do, and I still hadn't any idea, just that "we" (pretty generalized), needed to do something.... aaaaaaand, he actually agreed.... He said, "It sounds like all signs are pointing in that direction."

....

We drove home in our separate cars.... Of course, my mind racing at what I could do... what could be done at this point?  ....

It was Wednesday night.... tucked the kiddos in and took my contacts out.... I got in bed and plugged my charger in, but who was I kidding? I knew good and well sleeping was not going to happen anytime soon....

I grabbed my phone, my charger, and my water and glasses and came back out into the dark living room. I left the small entry light on and came and sat on the loveseat.... I sat there for some time and played and replayed all of these different ideas and scenarios out in my head.... A million questions ran through my mind.... "What if this woman has been legally added to Friend's lease? What if this woman has had Friend sign crazy documents like an Advanced Health Care Directive or a Durable Power of Attorney? or what if this woman is legally on all of Friend's accounts and if I step in, there will be absolutely NOTHING I can do because this woman has already been "legally" added to everything?" It was scary! I was scared! I had NO idea what part of any of this could or would be true, but I had a feeling that there was a good chance. I'd sat there, imagining rallying some troops together and heading down there the very next morning.... I'd imagined a well, thought-out plan, executing perfectly.... and then a few, short moments later, I'd imagined it all backfiring.... I was so torn....

The clock neared 10-11 p.m. I'd been texting back and forth with my dear cousin.... She was the first one that came to mind when I'd imagined intervening somehow.... We are usually on the same wavelength with a lot of things.... We both have a pretty empathetic heart.... aaaaand, immediately, she was in.... We both knew that all of this wasn't right.... I'd reached out to my sister, because she usually spent quite a bit of time with my grandma, or was, at least in touch with her often. I'd wondered what she knew or what she thought about it all.... She had no idea about any of it, but was just as worked up as both cousin and I.... She agreed she could meet us there the next morning. So we'd agreed to meet the next morning. I'd had some time between dropping the kids off and meeting them at Gram's apartment. Gram didn't even know we were going to be coming.

After dropping off both kiddos, I'd made a quick run by Trader Joe's to pick up flowers and a card to make this visit seem as "genuine" as possible. I didn't want "Caretaker" to know that we were on to her, because IF she happened to be Durable Power of Attorney or was added to Friend's bank account or the lease or anything else and she felt like we were on to her, she might wipe Friend out and bail.... There had to be strategy behind this.... Cousin and sister both knew the plan.... we. were. ready....

Showed up to Grammy's with flowers and a card. She was surprised to see all of us.... Then she wondered why we were there.... That was when I'd told her that we needed to intervene. If we didn't do something, it was only going to get worse. We'd let Grammy in on the plan. We were all 4 going to go down to Friend's apartment with flowers and card..... We would knock and when someone answered, we would act like we were wanting to stop in and visit and see how Friend was doing and tell her that we missed her since we hadn't seen her for a bit, and that we were worried because Grammy had been trying to contact Friend and wasn't able to speak with her....

Grammy was very hesitant.... She was thinking that "Caretaker" was such a nice person.... We could all feel her hesitation, but we insisted.... and she obliged....

Downstairs we went to the 2nd floor....

Sister put her ear to the door. Inside, we could hear television and we could hear "Caretaker" talking to someone on speaker phone, but we couldn't hear specifics.... Looking down the hall, I could see Mr. Maintenance Man standing at the door, looking in at us. It was very apparent, he knew we were there and he was scouting the scene.... I quickly tapped Sister and told her to just knock on the door.... that Mr. Maintenance Man was watching from outside, down the hall.  She covered the peek hole and knocked.... "Caretaker" answered the door.... "Awesome!" I thought.... That was one of my fears.... that she might not answer the door.... but she did and there was Friend..... hunched over and walking slowly out of the bedroom, as if coming out to see what was going on.... She didn't look ANYTHING like we'd always seen her.... She usually had her hair colored and fixed up, some make up on, and accessorized with some cute necklace or scarf.... This was not the case.... She looked so frail.... 2" of gray roots, grown out.... her hair lying flat, looking so lifeless.... She was walking hunched over, barely dragging her feet with each step.... This was not the Friend we knew....

"Ohhhh look! You have 4 beautiful women visitors!" Caretaker says, loudly.... still having her phone mate on speaker.... In another language, "Caretaker" must have said that she needed to go or would phone her friend back later, because she ended up hanging up shortly after.  "Caretaker" greeted us with such joy and smiles, speaking loudly the entire time...

We all chatted briefly.... "Friend, we brought you flowers and a card and wanted to see how you were doing! We miss you! How are you doing?"

Friend says, "Ohhhh, I'm doing fine.... getting better...."

Her face looked so hopeless.... We knew this wasn't right....

to be continued....

"Caretakers" don't always take care.... part 1.

I've gone back and forth about this one.... this one has taken up huge parts of my soul.... stayed with me for so much time and still continues to linger.... This whole thing has been like something you'd see in an awful movie.... things you only see on the news, happening to other people.... not to anyone you know....

You ever sit back and wonder, "How the hell did this come about? How did I get into this?!"  I've done this multiple times in the past 4-5 months.... I'll tell you the best way that I can....

August 2015.  Grandma is 86. Friend is 87. They live in same independent apartment community, exactly 2 floors separating the 2.... If you were to go down two apartments below grammy's, you'd be in Friend's apartment.... Friend becomes ill.... Grandma mentions this to us, casually. Friend has always been completely independent. Friend doesn't have ANY family here in the states.... not a single member.... Friend asks neighbor to call an ambulance as she has shingles and believes something else may be wrong with her... She feels awful.... Friend's neighbor calls 9-1-1. Ambulance transports Friend to local hospital. Maintenance man of the property knows all residents well.... knows who has family and who does not.... Tips off "caretaker" in the building that Friend was transported by ambulance to hospital. Tells "caretaker" that Friend does not have ANY family here. "Caretaker" shows up to the hospital and tells 87 yr. old Friend that Friend's apartment building sent her to come care for and take her home, because they knew she has no family.  87 yr old Friend, terribly vulnerable and slightly confused, has no idea what is going on and agrees to leave with "caretaker," as she has seen "caretaker" in their apartment building before. ("Caretaker" is not licensed by the way, but no one knows this.... hell, we didn't even know any of this happened until way after the fact)....

"Caretaker" was looking for new "patients" because the last 2 that she had been caring for just died, within 2 weeks of Friend getting transported to the hospital.... "Caretaker" stays around the clock with Friend for what turns out to be a few weeks.... We finally find out about said "Caretaker" being at Friend's apartment by Grammy. Grammy has also been going downstairs to visit Friend at her apartment 2-3 times a day.... A few weeks pass and "Caretaker" is not allowing Grammy to see Friend as much. "Caretaker" says that Friend is sleeping and not up for company.... Grammy does not tell us this initially. Mom asks Grammy about Friend and if "Caretaker" is still there.... Everyone has bad feelings but no one knows what to do.... "Caretaker" stays....  Between 4 and 5 weeks pass and Grammy hasn't been able to see or talk to Friend in a week and a half.... Grammy tries calling Friend multiple times and someone either picks up the phone and hangs up or else tells Grammy that Friend is sleeping and not wanting any company or to talk....

Fast forward to end of September... Mom and I are sitting in the hospital while Poppa is having surgery.  We are talking about everything under the sun and bring up Friend and Grammy. Mom tells me that Grammy called late the night before Poppa's surgery, asking her to come over because she was ill.... Mom shows up around 8-9 pm to find Grammy had been throwing up....

Rewind 2 weeks before Poppa's surgery....  Grammy had been sleeping on and off all day.... was terribly confused and had even seen a neurologist because we were all convinced she was getting alzheimer's or something of the sort... She has always gotten up and ready near the same time every single day for years.... now she'd been sleeping on and off all day... She wasn't getting ready.... she was staying in her jammies all day.... It was scary!!! It all happened so fast!

NO IDEA WHYYYYYY this hits me the way it did at the hospital, but it hit me hard this way.... "Has 'caretaker' had any access to Grammy? Food or drinks or anything?" I'd asked Mom.  Mom didn't know.... We called Grammy at 4 pm, and of course, woke her up.... She was slurring and not making a whole lot of sense, but told us that "caretaker" was so kind and always making sure she ate or drank, etc.... I immediately told her not to open her door for anyone.... not to take ANY food or drinks from "Caretaker" and to call us immediately if "caretaker" showed up, knocking on her door again.... Grammy was scared.... but so were we....

I KNEW we needed to do something..... and I knew we needed to move quickly.....

(to be continued)