So long, Little Red Wagon....

Okay... this is lame.... but this Radio Flyer wagon was my gift to Taylor on her 1st birthday.... Well, it wasn't JUST this wagon, but the wagon (and the umbrella that attached to the side) was her "big gift." She loved going on walks and riding in wagons.... we'd put blankets and pillows in this one.  There are 2 cup holders, so she could always bring her sippy cup with her... This one even had a built-in cooler (see how the bottom, beige part, dips down? That's the cooler.... There's even a drainage hole so the ice could melt and drain out.... we actually used that "cooler" more for storage when we'd go to the swap meet). The 4 interlocking sides of the wagon are all removable, so sometimes, over the more recent years, I'd use it as a dolly for heavier items.... 

Next month, she is turning 13.... we've had this wagon for almost 12 years.... I was thinking that maybe it had some sentimental value to her, buuuuut.... after trying to convince her that it did talking to her about it.... no.... it really doesn't.... not now, anyway.... 

A few months back, mom and I were at Costco and we saw this foldable/collapsable wagon with a carrying handle (even though it is heavy as all heck and you wouldn't really "carry" it anywhere, other than lifting it in and out of your car).... My immediate thoughts were, "PERFECT! I could get this one and get rid of the radio flyer! It would save room in the garage and Jason will be happy!" Last month, mom got me that wagon for my birthday but she also told Jason my ORIGINAL plan about getting rid of the radio flyer also, so now I feel obligated to get rid of this wagon, and I guess I really don't NEED to have TWO wagons.... especially because I'd just recently purchased a dolly to serve the purpose of a dolly.... 

For all the wonderful walks we shared in this little red wagon.... the countless smiles and joy you brought Taylor, circling around and around in the backyard.... For holding our purchases, our belongings.... for carrying Asia on "walks".... for helping me carry things around the yard and from the truck to the garage.... I am so thankful for you, sweet Radio Flyer.... I hope we can find you a new and wonderful family.... one you can bring many more smiles and memories to for years to come!!! 

(Do you wanna know how dysfunctional I am? I'm literally typing this with tears in my eyes, thinking about all of the memories!!) 

So long, Little Red Wagon.... with this post, we will never forget you!!! 

A.D.D. Solution #437- How to get rid of stuff

Soooo.... I've struggled with "getting rid of stuff" for quite some time.... I don't know if it's the A.D.D part or my crazy emotions.... I have so much "stuff".... I remember who gave me what and when and everything else you could possibly remember about items.... I have all these wonderful intentions of finding the perfect people who might want or NEED these items, but where do you actually FIND the perfect people for your stuff? I imagine finding a woman who is looking for work and then giving her my Express dress clothes, because I know how much I paid for each pair of those pants and shirts.... Or, I imagine finding kids who don't have toys or kids who need clothes and giving them all of the kids' things.... Where I'm going to find these kids? I'm not really sure... Our garage is like.... ummm, I don't even know what you'd want to call it, but it's scary.... it has a whole bunch of crap from a whole bunch of years, holding a whole bunch of memories (and not) and I just have a really hard (and overwhelming) time going through any and all of it....

A few weeks ago, in one of my therapy sessions, I'd had this idea.... what if I took my laptop with me, out into the garage and took photos with the "stuff" that I've been holding on to.... take a photo with the stuff and then jot down the memories that I'm afraid of losing if this item goes away....

So.... It's been an idea for some time and I haven't really started it yet, but last Sunday, after some good tunes and a few glasses of wine, I'd decided to give it a shot.... I made a sign.... "Get Rid Of.... (Let it go) of all your junk & dysfunctions...." and then started piling stuff shit next to that sign.... You may laugh.... you may wonder why I've held onto it for so long.... I couldn't tell you exactly why, but for whatever reason it's been in my shelf-less garage.... and I've had a hard time determining a "stack" for it to go into.... but this.... THIS marks my starting point.... well actually like my 3rd or 4th starting point, because I've been throwing some plants away for a few weeks already.... (which I feel TERRIBLY guilty about).... anyway.... here goes.... bear with me on this BORING and highly emotional (for me) journey.... as I go piece by piece, through all kind of crap... and let. it. go..... (of course, I'm singing "Let It Go")....

AHHHH!!!!!

My Personal Ad....

Funny what attracts you to someone, initially....
I can give you boatloads of lists of things that I found so attractive about Jason.... and I can also give you some much smaller lists of things that I chose to overlook at that time....
Fast forward to nearly 7 years later and here we are....
Every marriage goes up and down....
It is DEFINITELY how you weather those storms, TOGETHER, that determine the outcome....
It's easy to be with someone who makes you happy and smile and laugh and sees you through your good times....
Admit it.... it is easy to be with someone who is HAPPY and radiant and beaming.... no?

Recently, (well within the last few months), I've thought about the things that I LOVE to do....
which then led me to think about the things I DON'T love or even LIKE to do....
which then led to me basically writing a personal ad....
which then led me to send it to Jason, via text, because it kind of made me laugh....

MY PERSONAL AD (if I was advertising myself.... which of course I'm not, but if I were.... this is probably what it would say):

"Hi. My name is Ashley. I love music, dancing ( I don't care WHERE I am or who sees me.... In fact, if you join in, you get bonus points!) .... Love red wine.... and sitting on the beach, especially at sunset.... I don't like long walks in the sand. I usually get tired.... (and hot and sweaty).... and I don't particularly ENJOY being hot and sweaty.... but I DO love the sun! I carry my venti Starbucks cup, filled with water, with me everywhere I go because otherwise I'd forget to drink water and I don't want to have kidney issues.... like, ever.... (and secretly because when I was pregnant and chubby, I started drinking TONS of water and actually lost weight...) and there are just a ton of other healthy reasons to drink water.... so, there's that....

I don't enjoy cooking or cleaning. Ideally, I'd have a housecleaner come every 2 weeks, because every 4 weeks just reminds me what a failure I am at cleaning.... The hair build up on the floor grosses me out.... Don't get me wrong, I'll clean, I just REALLY, REALLY enjoy everything clean at once.... and I get distracted.... A LOT.... I have been practicing being a lot more mindful with what I'm doing, but the internal battle of fighting distraction and the actual distraction just really clash a lot and sometimes I can't even fight the distraction....*

I cry a lot.... like A LOT, a lot.... happy things. sad things. every things.....  I think everything has feelings, which leads me to doing weird things like HAVING to put groceries back when other people leave them in the wrong section...**

I love plants, mostly succulents because they tend to be the only thing I can semi keep alive.... and because they are terribly resilient, which I think we all have to be in order to keep moving forward in life, growing and progressing.... we have to have some amount of resilience for that....

I love sweets and good food in general, and I just think that life is way too short to only do grown up stuff all the time...."

*in case you are thoroughly confused, I'll give you an example.... the other day, I put a trader joe's bag of jasmine rice in the microwave for 3 minutes.... and figured 3 minutes plus the additional minute it needs to cool down would be the perfect time to fold the load of laundry that just beeped. So I went and started folding the laundry fresh out of the dryer, cleaned the lint trap and realized the trash bag in the laundry room was full so I took it to the bathroom trash and had to go to the bathroom, then realized I needed to take the bathroom trash out.... took the bathroom trash outside, came back in the house and realized that I had put rice in the microwave and it was now EXTRA cooled off.... so I added my red ginger to the rice, sat down and ate a bowl, rinsed it off and did some other stuff and headed back towards my bedroom and saw the laundry room light was still on and the dryer door was open and the dryer light was on, because the door was open, and yeah.....) It just takes me a lot longer to get done things that shouldn't take that long.... and it is frustrating as all hell and not because I'm terribly lazy, but usually because I want to do everything....
WHO in their RIGHT mind would EVER respond to any kind of personal ad like this??!!

**mostly like me putting a frozen box of waffles back in its frozen section when someone decides they don't want/need it and leave it in the pile of avocados in the produce section.... weird things like that....

Thankful for a husband, (though he didn't respond to this written ad), has loved me through 7 years of this nonsense!

To be continued....

Happy Birthday, Dad....

You know, I do miss him terribly, because I can't help but to replay parts of my life in my head and how I would have LIKED to have done them differently.... There are things I wish I had known sooner.... But life goes along just as it does... I can't say that I don't hurt anymore, because I do, but I just miss him more than I hurt, if that makes any sense.... The longer he is gone, the more fear sets in that I won't remember things about him one day and that really scares me....

Today, on the way to dropping the kids off at school, I said, "Today would have been Pappy's 68th birthday!" I did not have any sadness in my voice.... I felt rather peaceful.... I did....  From the back seat, Lewie says, "It IS his birthday mom."
I said, "If he was still alive, he would be 68."
Again, he corrects me and says, "He IS 68, mom. He's just not alive."
It made me smile.... He says, "I'm really sorry your dad passed away, mom."
I said, "aww thanks buddy! It's okay though. Everyone passes away at some point and Pappy was very sick and in a lot of pain for a long time."
He asks, "How did he die again?" (I've told him the story many times).
"He had cancer buddy."
"Yeah, but what kind? How did he get the cancer?" he asked....
"He smoked and got lung cancer, and then the cancer went from his lungs into his brain, and then there were other complications from that."

I started reminiscing about my dad and some of the hilarious things that he did.... I see his sense of humor in the kids a lot.... They don't even realize it, but they remind me so much of him too.... Little Lewie is SOOOO much like my dad, it's pretty crazy.... Taylor and I were talking about my dad and I was smiling and it was feeling rather upbeat, when all of a sudden, I look over at her and tears are just streaming down her face. She squeezed her eyes shut and almost looked as if she was smiling, but she was crying.... (my girl does NOT cry very often, at all!).... My eyes welled up with tears and I put my hand on her shoulder and asked, "aww honey, what's wrong?"

She said, "I don't remember him, mom. I try so hard to remember him, but I don't remember him, mom. I can remember going to Tennessee and doing things there, but I don't remember HIM!" and she just cried and it broke. my. heart.... She knows how much he loved her because everyone always tells her that.... she sees pictures everywhere.... My dad was a strong and masculine man, but boy could his tone go from deep voice, to teddy bear when he saw Taylor.... It was such an incredible bond to watch develop... He gave her anything she wanted.... Maybe it brought peace to my heart, because I saw my dad in a form that I never saw him with while I was growing up.... I'm not quite sure.... We didn't see him often, but it was nice when we did.... He would call and ask to talk to her.... he'd leave messages for her.... He really loved her a lot.... and she loved him too! I think that's why it makes me sad that she doesn't remember him.... THIS is one of those things that a child just can't ever understand until they have children of their own... how closely and connected your heartstrings are to theirs....  I feel fortunate to have had Taylor so young, because it TRULY gave me an incredibly deep appreciation for what my mom did for all of us girls.... That was a huge blessing for having Taylor when I did....

When Lewie heard Taylor begin to cry, his tears let loose as well.... He had already had watery eyes, but then his alligator tears came too.... They were both crying and then I began crying too! I said, "awwww no crying.... Pappy was very sick and in a lot of pain, but you know what? He knew he was going to pass away the day that he did. Do you know how powerful that must feel? To KNOW when you and your body are just done fighting?"

For those of you who don't know the story of the day my dad passed, it was pretty incredible but also very, very difficult for my stepmom who was the only one with him when he did end up passing. The ambulance came to their small town and pulled all the way up to their front porch. He wanted to walk himself, with his oxygen, out to the ambulance. He put his arm around my stepmom and said, "We've had a good life together, Ma. I'm done fighting. I'm not coming home this time." She wasn't having it. She was in a rush to get things together and pack a bag for the hospital, because she never knew how long their stay would be and they were far from any hospital.... Once he was admitted, she wouldn't leave, so she was trying to get things together... She dismissed his "nonsense talk" and hurried along.... Again, he said, "I'm done fightin' Ma. I'm not coming home this time. No more tubes. No more drains.... I'm tired."

That was it.... that was at 7 o'clock in the morning and he passed away at 12 noon, just 5 hours later.... Of course the weeks leading up to this day were not easy.... He had had a 60+ day hospital stay and had just been home not very long when this happened. I had flown out there and helped her to care for him just about 3-4 weeks prior to his death.... He wasn't the dad I remembered, but every now and again, I'd catch a glimpse of the dad I knew.... He was still stubborn as all heck and still believed HE was the boss and he could still bark orders at us, but to see his physical strength, as well as his mental state, deteriorate at the rate that it was.... that was incredibly difficult to see.... Here was the man who had the strength of Hulk (at least it always seemed like that, to me, for my whole life).... He did the physical and manual labor of 5 men, and could do nearly anything.... He loved to learn and to explore.... Many of my earlier memories of him were in Tennessee.... He had a big home and a big yard.... The neighbors were all so friendly and helped and taught each other.... Us kids would jump on the riding lawn mower and attach a trailer to the back. We'd ride each other around and out into the woods, collecting trashcans full of leaves, building HUGE piles and then jumping off of the trashcan (turned over) or off of tree limbs into the piles of leaves.... We picked green beans and cucumbers and caught plastic pools full of toads.... Many of his days were spent with a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth, as he "piddled" on projects in the yard or garage.... "Whatcha doin' dad?" I'd ask.... "ohhh, just piddlin'," he'd say.... That meant he was just tinkering with a few different things... He'd always have an ice cold beer in a coozy. But there were usually at least 2 coozies, one for the current drink he had and one in the freezer for the next beer he'd drink.... (He ended up quitting his drinking after his heart attack in his 40's....) and he did quit smoking, but picked it back up after some time.... Dad eventually quit smoking and eventually even became appalled at the smell of it. It amazed me because this was a man who, at his smoking peak, smoked 3 packs a day.... he smoked inside his house and the car, and wasn't ever bothered by the smell.... So, within the last few years of his life, it was nice to see him finally realize how AWFUL the smell was and to even talk about it with us....

Today, I am thankful for the 60 years he lived.... Though I wish we had more time together, I am thankful for the times that we DID have together.... I know that he loved Taylor and I.... 8 years after his passing, I feel a lot more peaceful than I ever did about things before.... I have a much better understanding of our lives and I am thankful for that.... What I mean by that, is that I believe I have a better understanding of his life while I was a child and how our lives transitioned as I grew older.... I am thankful he quit drinking and smoking and was sober and able to feel things, especially within the last years of his life.... Some of my fondest memories will be of those last few years and some of the conversations we shared....

I smile today, because I imagine him in his eternity.... making sure EVERYONE knows it's his birthday.... I imagine someone rubbing his feet with horse hoof cream, and him watching T.V., doing his loud fake cry for attention.... I imagine my Grandma (his mom) preparing his favorite meal for him, or him asking for ice cream for dinner.... I can hear his deep belly laughs.... I can see his cheeks turning bright red and his belly jumping up and down from laughing so hard.... I can smell him just out of the shower, with a squirt of his cologne.... I can feel his soft cheeks just after he shaved and I can hear his deep, deep voice, saying, "heellllo darlin."

I can see his big, new smile and I can feel his big, warm bear hugs....
I can feel nothing but love for him today.... and that makes me smile....

Happy 68th birthday, Dad! I can feel your presence all around me today.... I love you!

Part 2. Getting the appointment.

Thursday (just shy of 2 weeks) rolls around.... We still hadn't received anything in the mail or a phone call or anything else, so I called their office. The MRI had been approved. They faxed over the info to the scheduling line and had me call to schedule the test. They had us come in that Sunday, 3 days after I'd called. We arrive before 12 noon and were taken into the back. The tech was a very friendly man. He explained everything, thoroughly, to Taylor.... She wasn't nervous.... Thank goodness....

He had me place the "marker" on the lump.

This marker is super small.... like the size of a capsule you'd swallow with a glass of water.... anyhow... it's basically a capsule, filled with yellow fluid on a sticker that sticks to your back over the area to be photographed.  

So we place the marker over the lump and into the "tube" room she goes.... He shows me to a chair around the corner from the room. It's one of those cold, hard, hospital recliners.... I had my backpack with me because we were told it could be an hour.... Jason was at home with Lewie because Lewie had woken up with a 103.4 fever. (He had JUST gotten over being sick, as he got sick right after Taylor had gotten better)... the man turned the music on for her.... The very first song was that hawaiian version of "somewhere over the rainbow" followed by some Norah Jones and then "don't worry, be happy..." You're probably wondering why I go into such detail about everything.... Things, like music, remind me of times in my life.... lyrics to songs, happy times, sad times.... music is a HUGE part of me and how I remember things.... I really was enjoying the music selection.... He stopped and made a call to the radiologist at some point during the exam (it was after a pretty short time).... The music was playing and there was a loud chirping sound in the background.... When a mother wants to hear something, she can tune her ears in to the sound she is trying to hear and drown out the rest of the noise.... and that is exactly what I did....  "She's only 12 years old," I'd heard him say. They showed me the MRI and how there wasn't any fluid around the marker (besides the fluid that was IN the capsule/marker).... This could rule out it being a fluid filled cyst.  

The MRI machines are basically pre-programmed with protocol for certain tests. When there is an order for an MRI of the spine, the machine has 10-12 photos that it takes, because what they are looking for is usually seen within those 10-12 images... The tech who was taking these images noted that the normal set of 10-12 photos was not capturing the capsule/marker in that 10-12 set.  So he increased the number of images and took 22 instead, and STILL wasn't getting the marker into the images.... That was the point that he had phoned the radiologist. He was given pretty specific instructions on what we needed to do at this point. The radiologist needed us to phone our doctor the next day (Monday), and tell her that instead of the MRI of the spine, she needed to place an order for an abdominal MRI with focus on the lateral back mass. This way it would ensure capturing the capsule/marker in the set of images that they took. 

Monday comes, and I called the doctor's office and explained the situation. She informs me that she will put the new order in for referral from the insurance company and they would let me know in 7-10 business days. I was NOT about to wait another 10-12 days for a response again.... I told her that I could call the insurance myself if I needed to. They hadn't submitted the set of images from the first MRI, so technically, they shouldn't have needed another approval as we were doing the same test, just in a different area.... She said, "Give me a few hours and let me see what I can do, okay?"  A few hours later, she calls with insurance approval. AWESOME! Now I can call and reschedule. 

Thankfully, they were able to get us in that Wednesday evening, just 2 days later.... 

Part 1. "There's a lump."

I really did expect to be able to fall asleep much easier tonight. I did.... As exhausted as I was earlier today, I didn't think my eyelids would remain open to see the sun set....

This past Saturday was 2 weeks since I took Taylor in to see her doctor again. That Saturday, 2 weeks ago, she was diagnosed with the flu, as she had been sent home early that Friday with a fever.... Taylor RARELY gets sick! The pharmacy had her information on file from 2010.... FIVE years ago....  anyway.... I knew she was getting sick. In fact, I told her she was getting sick a few days before she actually FELT sick.... I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice.... She insisted she wasn't, just as she always does.... but I know.... Mom's just know, you know....

That Saturday morning rolled around and she was in terrible pain. The pain that had her in tears.... and she doesn't cry for pain.... she was miserable.... "Mom, the lump hurts really bad... and it's bigger," she said.... That was enough to get my lazy, bed-loving self up and ready in about 4 and a half minutes (brushing my teeth were 2 of those minutes).  She was moving so slowly.... "Come on, let's go!" I kept trying to hurry her along.

You see, 2 months prior to this Saturday visit, she went with me to take Lewie in, as he was carrying sick germs from school for longer than I was comfortable with. They had already told me it was viral, but I just wanted to be sure. I don't normally do that, but my kids also don't normally stay sick for longer than a few days. That morning visit 2 months prior was mainly for Lewie, but we had the doctor look at her ankle and her back as both had been bothering her for some time.... Lewie was quickly looked over and we were told it could last a few more weeks.... Taylor, who was feeling fine (at least not SICK), was her concern.... The doctor examining Taylor was not her routine doctor, but one of the others in their medical group.  She was a pretty thorough doctor and I felt comfortable with how she was managing the kids. (not that I know any better, but as a mother, you sort of have a "feeling" about the doctor who sees your kids, no?)  She is moving Taylor into different positions with a look of concern on her face. Finally, she said, "there's a lump. here. come feel it, mom." I could tell that something was different about that area, but I couldn't say, "yep! there's a lump!" The doctor could tell that it was the size of a quarter.... She began marking Taylor's back and told us to go down to the hospital next door and have it looked at via ultrasound, stat.  What started as us still smiling and joking, quickly turned into a bit of confusion.... "wait... what? where? why?" I think Taylor and I were a little confused. I mean, I didn't think TOO much into it, but I didn't like the doctor's sense of urgency.... "They're busy..... they're busy and that's why she seems so urgent.... she needs us out of here and the next patient in here...." I really did tell myself that to try to help myself from getting all worked up and feeling anxious with her sense of urgency as well...

So, we'd gone downstairs with our STAT order for an ultrasound and an X-ray and tried to be seen. Unfortunately their "stattest" stat test wasn't for another another day.... WHAT?! Couldn't they FEEL the doctor's sense of urgency? Couldn't they FEEL MYYYY sense of urgency?! I asked for a phone list of all of the possible imaging centers I could go to and told them I'd call myself. I wasn't going to wait for another day....

The whole day was spent trying to get everything figured out and done.... we went back into the room with her and I tried like hell to study the screen as they rolled back and forth over her back.... I seriously could not tell you what the hell I was looking at. They could have been scanning a burrito, or a brain and I really wouldn't have been able to tell them apart.... (okay, maybe SLIGHTLY, but when they are rolling over your back, you really have no idea what they're looking at.... not even joking.... you think you see something, but just as you think you do, it goes away and then something else appears and then you think you see THAT, and then that thing goes away and then you are just still staring at a gray screen that keeps moving other gray areas around.... basically, you could have locked me in a dark closet and said, "there's her back...."

I was "in the zone." I mean, I was REALLY trying to see if I could see ANYTHING at all.... I thought to myself, "maybe they can just reach over and scan the right side so they'd have something to compare the images on the left side to." and no quicker than my thoughts arrived, she reached over to scan Taylor's right side.... I'm squinting and leaning in, trying to see if there is ANYTHING, ANYTHING even SLIGHTLY different from the left.... but nothing. She didn't click and measure anything, so I felt pretty confident that we'd get a call from the doctor saying, "all is great. nothing there!"

However....

Doctor called back and basically said, "There's something there, but we aren't sure what."

You see, the tech performs the test that is ordered. (I'm sure you all already know this)....
Then the test is reviewed and translated by the radiologist who never seeeees the patient nor does he/she have the background knowledge/history of the patient.... The radiologist's results were "could be one of these things," and lists a few different things.... Well the doctor who had examined Taylor and FOUND the lump, said, "It's not a lipoma (fatty tumor). It's much harder than that, and it's not really loose or moving around. We already said she didn't hit anything and there is no external bruising or anything.... if she had injured it, then there would still be something visible externally. Bruising or SOMETHING...."

okay.... sooooooo??

She seemed a little stumped. She said, "we're going to monitor it and if it gets any bigger, come in.... if it causes her any pain, come in.... You can try massaging it and warm compresses, but I don't think it's anything muscular, but at least try so we can rule that out also. If it's muscular, it will go away...."  My concern was, "I can't tell the exact size of it like you can. How will I know if it gets any bigger?" Again, she told us, "it's the size of a quarter"..... Anyhow, I pretty much bugged Taylor for the next ohhhhh, however long.... "does it hurt?" "can you feel it?" "has it gotten any bigger?" "want me to massage it?" "is it bothering you?"

Hadn't bothered her much since then.... she had just always said it was more annoying or it only bothered her if she pushed on it or around it....

Fast forward to that Saturday, 2 weeks and 2 days ago.... We go in to the "walk in appointments" at their office and the same doctor who saw Taylor a few months ago was now the doctor on call for the weekend. She sees Taylor. She swabs her brain nose and diagnoses her with the flu.... She goes to review Taylor's chart regarding her lump (keep in mind, this is NOT her normal pediatrician).... She comes back and finds the lump again. She expresses that she doesn't like that it is still present. Asked us if we had massaged it and applied the heating pad to it.... we had.... but the lump remained.... It was then that she submitted the referral for an MRI of her spine. "It should be between 7 and 10 business days to get an approval back." 7-10 whoooooole days before we knew if she could even have the MRI done??  UGH! and so we waited....