Years and years of work and time have been spent....
Hours upon hours in therapy sessions....
Money that could have been spent on chocolate....
went to my therapist....
Anyway....
It's really a never-ending process.... There is always room for improvement.... always.... however, with that being said, it is also necessary to stop and appreciate the progress made....
Let me take this back a month....
A month ago, I walked into a Yoga studio, knowing absolutely nothing about yoga, except that I would probably get the giggles, the way mom and I do when we are moving a mattress, or, with my luck, I'd be the one who got gas, and would spend most of my "quiet time" focusing on not passing it....
The first class was so strange for me.... I seriously started crying.... yep! crying.... of course, I wasn't full on bawling and I had my eyes closed so that no one would really notice I was crying, but I was... I don't know what moved me to tears.... Maybe it was the instructor's incredibly soft, compassionate voice.... or the words she had been sharing with us over those 75 wonderful minutes.... or, perhaps, it was the painful position she'd had us in that had my feet going numb, while my arms shook like crazy.... When those funky shooting pains would take over, I couldn't focus on anything else, except how the hell I was going to get out of the position and make it work for me.... I DID manage to hear her words over the zapping, shooting pains, and they stuck with me....
"Speak to yourself.... the way you would to a loved one.... think of the voice you would speak to a loved one with.... use that voice when you speak to yourself.... 'Thank you self.... thank you for coming in and practicing yoga today,' she'd had us say to ourselves...
All I could picture was my mean tone.... the frustrated tone that I get with the ones I love, because, for me, that is the "raw" me.... the tired me. the sad me. the upset me. the angry me. the exhausted me. it's the premenstrual me. it's the postmenstrual me. it's the super-highly sensitive me. it's the A.D.D me... it's the all of me that complete strangers aren't always around for.... They don't spend hours on end with me.... through all of the ups and downs.... usually on the bad days, I'm not out of my hermit shell.... I can FEEL that it's not a fantastic day, and so I stay inside.... I avoid the world at all costs, and likely get by with the bare minimum....
HOWEVER.... during our yoga class 2 weeks later, the same instructor was back and teaching us again.... THIS time, she'd said something that stuck out to me again.... she'd told us to get into position in a way that worked for us.... she'd said that we wouldn't always be able to do the same stretches, reaches, flexes, extensions... She said, "do what you are comfortable with today, as that is exactly what you should be doing.... that is your boundary.... your limit.... and you can accept that you are doing all that you can do.... today."
THAT. STUCK. OUT. TO. ME.... and it has ever since.... I guess I sort of combined the two and tried to remember the tone that I would speak to a loved one with.... or a complete stranger.... I tried to think about the voice I used to use with my patients in Oncology.... the one that empathized and sympathized with them.... the voice that wanted them to feel comforted and cared for and loved.... I found that voice.... that soothing voice that I could find at the most painful moments.... I was able to find it.... It was probably the kindest voice I'd had.... I practiced thanking myself for practicing yoga and slowly started working on carrying it over into other areas....
I am my worst critic.... I think we all are.... but if you ask Jason, he'd tell you I am VERY hard on myself.... I don't expect perfection from anyone, but I DO expect it from myself.... the amount of disappointment that one can carry with them at the end of a day, FROM THEMSELVES, can be enough to drive them into a depression, I tell you!!!! It's no joke!!!
When Jason and I met, I had just REALLY started the beginning of "finding myself...." I hate to use those two words, but it really was the beginning of my self-acceptance.... I could remember when (just before Jason and I met), I'd feel so lonely.... In those extremely lonely moments, I made an extra effort to acknowledge those feelings of loneliness.... I'd light a candle in my living room... I would plug my iPod into my television speaker and play soft, relaxing music.... I'd play a variety of music, but for some reason, the John Mayer's "Continuum" album comes to mind as being the album that played the most... There were many songs that I could just feel in my heart... (music has a way of moving me).... I remember lying on the floor, with my arms out by my sides, looking up at the ceiling and acknowledging every painful feeling I was feeling at that moment.... not that I was feeling sorry for myself or anything like that, but more that I was basically opening up my heart, my hands, my mind.... I was opening up myself to accept that right at that moment, I was feeling weak.... I was feeling weak and lonely, and desperate and pretty darn hopeless... I was feeling sad and confused.... and then when the flood of emotions seemed to quiet down, even if just a tiny bit, I started to find the strength to tell myself that these feelings would pass.... they would soon pass and they weren't going to last, at least not forever....
Sometimes it took many more minutes than others to talk myself out of those not-so-great feelings.... other times it was almost instantly....
Where had that time gone?! When was the last time I had laid on the floor of a quiet, dark room or house, looking up at the ceiling, with candles burning and music softly playing? hahahahahahaha!!!! GOOD ONE, ASHLEY! I couldn't tell you the last time anything like that had happened.... Are you kidding me? I've been COMPLETELY consumed these past 5 years.... consumed in all different sorts of stuff.... different types of things, activities, thoughts.... everything!
So, just recently, I have worked on the tone I use when I speak to myself and I say this....
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a member on a Board of Directors.
I am a newsletter editor.
I am a clerical coordinator in a busy unit.
I am a daughter.
I am a step daughter.
I am a friend.
I am a neighbor.
I am a housekeeper.
I am a stranger.
I am a lot of different things, but I am not Superwoman....
When I wake up in the morning, many mornings I will ask Jason, "Is there anything that you would really like done today? Anything I can do for you that would really help you out or make things easier on you?" Sometimes he has things he'd like done... I try to watch the clothes in his closet (his work shirts, undershirts and jeans).... I try to remember to check his underwear and sock drawer to make sure he never gets too low or runs out.... I really try to remember to check those things.... In fact, I really try to stay on top of the laundry so that the pile doesn't get out of control and everyone is out of everything.... A lot of times I'm successful.... other times I am not.... When he'd leave for work in the morning and say, "hey momma, I'm on my last pair of socks," it used to drive me up the freakin' wall! I may have given him a bit of a snippy attitude, because I really don't like being told to do anything (though he wasn't directly TELLING me to DO anything).... but I think even more than that, it was frustration with myself that I hadn't caught that he was on his last pair of socks.... I would get upset that I didn't notice that his sock and underwear drawer were running too low....
I sometimes ask what I can do for Jason, because I really do want to be a good wife. I genuinely WANT to make things easier on him and help things run as smoothly as possible, however, I am accepting more and more, that I am a lot of things, but Superwoman is not one of them....
Some days, I am a really great friend.... Being a great friend, often means that other areas may have been neglected... The house might not have been cleaned or straightened the way it would on a day when I was a great housekeeper/wife.... I used to wake up sometimes and ask Jason, "Is it more important to you that I am a good mom or a good housewife today," because I really felt like it was almost impossible to be both.... and I ONLY use the term "almost" because I know there will be all those "superwoman" mom's out there who will give me their perfect formula that makes them perfect at everything....
Folks, we are ALLLLL different in so many ways.... If we weren't, perhaps YOU would be married to my husband and I just might be married to yours.... but that's not the case.... there is something.... there are some thingsssss, that brought us to each other.... Do we look at how we can HELP our partners, rather than criticize them? Jason talks about this light in me that I had that was just so bright when we met.... he said it was so bright that it reflected OUTSIDE of me and onto everything I surrounded myself with.... I thought, "well that's holding me to a pretty high expectation... I'm not bright enough to shine light for EVERYONE!!!!" What was different from then and now? Well, I was alone then.... just Taylor and I.... I was just beginning to accept the things I did not like to do.... I did not like to cook.... I rotated a few different recipes around and "worked around" the other days... I didn't ever successfully deep clean the entire place at once so that I could enjoy the entire house, clean.... so I hired a cleaner.... she came every 2 weeks and I was so happy that I had such a nice, clean home... I was accepting my shortcomings.... well, some might call them shortcomings, I just call them my "I-don't-like-to-do-these-or-else-I'm-not-good-at-them" things.... Regardless, I found, what I like to call "work-arounds."
These days, I try to plan accordingly.... if there is something that absolutely HAS to be done that day, then I really try to muster up the strength, energy or whatever else is needed, to get the task done.... Then I think about what I feel like I would like to be doing, or where I feel I am needed the most.... At the end of the day, there are days the house is messy.... like, "throw-that-pile-of-papers-on-the-floor-so-you-can-sit-on-the-couch" messy.... At the end of that day, I likely wasn't a good housewife, or housekeeper, but you can bet, I was good at something else.... whether is be a good employee, or a great mom.... I was great at something else.... and so, from here on out, I have been reflecting on my accomplishments at the end of my days and praising what I WAS good at that day.... In the early portion of my days, I decide what I will be good at and I give all I've got to what I choose to be and then I free myself of the guilt for not being good at everything else.... You can have an immaculate house, but you may not have been the best mother that day, yelling at your kids to put away the toys they wanted to play with out in the living room.... You can acknowledge all of the wonderful things you are.... all of the roles you can carry.... and you can even choose which one you'd like to be.... you can choose what cape to wear that day... but remind yourself that of all the things that you are, superwoman (or superman) is not necessarily one of them.... Not all tasks can be completed, and all of the roles cannot be filled.... but you can most certainly remind yourself, with praise, what you WERE good at for that day... and know that tomorrow, when the sun rises, yet again, you will be given another chance to choose a different role with different responsibilities and it doesn't make you any less of a person...
Such a wonderful lesson to accept one's self.... I hope you will try this one for yourself, starting with today, or even yesterday! What were/are you good at? I bet you are just super at so much more than you give yourself credit for!!!!
Have a wonderful week everyone!!!!
