usually her calmness, calms me too....
i'm still certain it will be okay, but what if it wasn't? usually her "it's gonna be all right" attitude and smile lead me to believe that it all will be.....
there are many things i've recognized about myself and many that i haven't yet noticed, because i've just dismissed them as "That's just me and how I do things."
now, i'm going to go back a few steps and you may or may not follow, but i must go back before i move forward....
in the hospital.... when i worked in the hospital, i got patient Joe.
Joe suffered a stroke the day before.
Joe came to me, unable to feed himself, unable to speak, unable to move, unable to do anything, but lie there.... with his mouth open.
my job....
my job was to clean him up, checking on him, monitoring him, while they ran further tests to see the damage....
Joe was married.
his wife came in and told me, "i can't believe this. just yesterday i was talking to him. laughing with him..... i can't believe this."
you see, i didn't KNOW Joe yesterday.
i didn't know the Joe that laughed, talked, fed himself, walked to the bathroom, got himself ready.
i didn't know that Joe.....
there was no emotional connection to Joe.
so, for me, i was able to care for this Joe.... the only Joe i knew....
and I could see that Joe's wife was distraught.
and so i could comfort her, as much as i could....
there was no emotional attachment to either one of them....
doesn't mean that i didn't feel a connection to them,
i just didn't have a history with them....
it wasn't hard for me to help them.
THERE WASN'T AN EMOTIONAL PAST with them...
i am good, when there isn't an emotional connection to the people.
and i think most people are, or at least can be.
you stand back and think it would be easier to care for someone you love and care about....
everyone thinks that until they've done it....
or tried to do it....
you'd be AMAZED at how many people do not have the support of their family while in the hospital.
or how many marriages end or fall apart when one partner gets ill....
people don't know how to digest the emotions that come along with it all....
your fear of losing the person may come out in an entirely different shape or form....
often my "fear" looks more like "crazy."
you'd be amazed at what adrenaline can allow you to do....
you'd be amazed that you remember every single step to checking someone's airways and attempting to resuscitate them, when you find someone unconscious.....
you'd be amazed at how much weight you can hold when you HAVE to.... or how much throw up, blood or diarrhea doesn't even phase you when you're caught off guard and it's about saving someone's life or preventing them from being hurt....
what about when it's your strong dad that you're used to seeing lift EVERYTHING?
or how he was the only one who EVER drove ANYWHERE, but now you are assisting him into the back seat of the car with pillows, and oxygen, only to watch him fall over onto his side and just lie there and not want to be moved?
or how about when you walk in to check on him and he has not made it to the toilet.... or even to the side of the bed to ask for help?
what about when it is your, once strong, father who is now the weak one needing assistance?
you don't know what boundaries there are, but there ARE boundaries....
if not YOUR boundaries, then he certainly has his own.
and after all, he's still the boss. he's still your elder.
he's still your father. and he'll still tell you what you can and can't do....
and there's still this respect that you have for him, that won't allow you to cross those boundaries....
i KNOW those....
as much as i WOULD have jumped in and done anything in the world to help him, he didn't want my help.... sometimes he needed my help, but he didn't want it....
"you don't need to see me like this," he'd whisper in his deep Southern accent....
.....
i could help soooo many people, daily, in the hospital, but i couldn't even help my own father.
i felt almost helpless, kind of numb and kind of confused....
i felt like i could provide the very best care for him, yet i couldn't really help him at all....
.....
and then here i am.
an entirely different situation, but all of the exact same feelings arise....
my mother.
my right hand.
you might know her as buymebarbies from pat's blog.
that's my rock.
her and jason.
the 2 people in my bullseye....
i still see her as the strong, tough, hard (fulltime) working, bikeriding, rollercoaster riding, chase you up the escalator in the department store mom that i had growing up....
that's what she is.... or what she was....
that's what she is to me....
however, years and years pass....
and people grow,
and people change.
mom needs surgery* on her spine..
tomorrow.
tomorrow morning.
i was fine, FINE, up until yesterday....
and then i just lost it...
i think it was slowly building up, but yesterday is when it became visibly clear for me.... and would you know, that up until yesterday i talked to her everyday....
but yesterday was hard for me emotionally, so you'd think that of all days, that YESTERDAY would be the day i'd call and talk to her....
nope.
i'm not quite wired like that all the time, but would like to be.
she doesn't need to hear me cry.
or tell her i'm so scared for her surgery....
i have no doubt that she'll be okay....
but my fear comes from the day she won't be okay....
my fear comes from the day i am without her....
of all those times that jason is in a meeting at work and can't listen to me vent,
she does.
when i get off of work at 1030 at night, and jason and the kids are fast asleep.... guess who isn't?
she isn't...
she's awake, and hasn't ever told me not to come over....
in fact, she's allowed me to come over every single time....
she's the one who puts the phone on the bathroom counter and hops on one foot to get into her pants while leaning over to still hear what i'm saying....
brushes her teeth, and puts make up while i go on and on and on about whatever it is i go on about....
she'll have an appointment, you know, but she'd never not make time for me....
she's the one who nudges me in the back when i come up with some larger than life idea....
she's the one who says i'd be a great nurse.... or doctor..... or comedian.... or anything else i've ever contemplated being in my lifetime.....
she's the one who got down on her knees on the floor with me and held me while i've cried....
the one who laughs and drops mattresses with me everytime we move them....
she's the one whose laugh is contagious, no matter who you are....
she's the one you wanted to do nice things for just to make her feel half as good as she made you feel. you wanted her to feel as important as she always made you feel....
she was the only one i always wanted to crawl into bed with and hold hands with until we fell asleep. and she would hold my hand. and when i'd wake up and we wouldn't be holding hands, i'd re-hold her hand.... and she'd let me....
i'd try to make her breakfast on the weekends, and the pancakes would be waaaaay undercooked (and cold by the time she got them). the butter wouldn't even melt. The eggs were far overcooked (burnt and cold by the time she got them). her coffee probably tasted like pig toes, but she still drank it....
i don't know how she did it....
my mom is the one who will shop with me for hours so that i can find something i like.... she's got the patience to sort through every random piece of clothing to find my size.... she is determined.... she follows through with everything she does and everything is always complete and dang near perfect when she's done it....
she's the mom who spent her annual 2 weeks of vacation with us on our spring break and summer vacation, taking us to have the times of our little lives....
we always had cool souvenirs and great memories....
i was the biggest nerd, but somehow still felt cool.....
all because of her....
....
i know all of the "enjoy your mom while she is alive and well" comments are coming.... and i will most certainly try my hardest to do so.... i try every single day....
the emotional attachment IS there....
i DID know mom when she could ride rollercoasters and not get sick.
i DID know mom when she would chase us up the escalators, while other parents stoodby with the glares, like, "you are condoning this?"
i DID know my mom when she would go on 3o mile bikerides for fun.
i DID know my mom like that....
so to slowly watch those things stop, DOES affect me....
the fear of her surgery DOES scare me, because i know she can't just bounce back from it like she might have been able to do when we were younger.... when we were ALL younger....
i'd be lost without her....
she is one of the only 2 people in my bullseye and my heart would be empty with such a huge chunk missing....
.....
so aside from the negative way that this may have sounded like, it was really meant to be positive.
she is such a huge part of me....
i love her a great, GREAT deal, and i think i am unable to put it into words what i feel for her while i sit in front of her face-to-face, so here's to you momma....
half of my bullseye....
i love you.
i hope your surgery goes well and that you heal fast, so we can get to working out! ;)
LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH! (so do Lewie, Taylor and Asia)
*(her surgery is on her spine.... for disintegrated discs in between her vertebraes.... she has a lot of neck problems, and had surgery 11 years ago for the same thing. there is very little, almost no spinal fluid around her spinal cord, and the doctors said if she even did something so small as to trip on the curb and fall, she could die, because of the lack of fluid surrounding her spine!) like i keep telling her, she should REALLY start her own blog. she's much better at explaining it than i am.... but keep her in your prayers and good thoughts, would you? i would really appreciate that!!)
