doooooo iiiiiit!!!

i don't blog nearly as much as i'd like to anymore.

and that bothers me sometimes, but that also means i'm busy, which, for me, is better than not being busy, because when i'm not busy, i'm usually not very productive and end up feeling like funk, and then get all depressed and bug everyone.... even more than i do on a normal day.... ANYWAY....

here i am.... today.

today, SO many thoughts fill my head, that I seriously don't even know where to begin, and that sounds so cliche, but here goes anyway.... i'm just picking a place and going with it.

I'm going to school to be a nurse. whoa! big surprise, right? those of you who even know ANYthing about me, already knew that....

problem is, i've attempted to do this whole "classes for nursing" things since 2002 or 2003.... it's 2 days shy of 2011.... that's like 9 years ago.... and i'm still not a nurse.

heck, i think my nurse's assistant certificate expired....

i've thought about renewing it, but haven't yet.... because that means i'd have to go through the classes again, which mean i'd have to go back to the nursing home, which, right now, i just don't think i'm ready for....

Amazingly, i've had my husband's support to do ANYTHING i want to do.... seriously.

he told me i could do anything i want to do.... psychology (okay, 50 bazillion years of schooling).... he said anything. we'd figure it out financially, and he'd support me.

how cool is that?

i mean that is what we wish for in our significant others, is support, right?

i guess initially i was looking for guidance.... but not now.... i'd like to make a decision and have his support and he's given it to me, fully....

now he's also given his opinions and his concerns and we've worked through those.... for now.

but do you notice, this has ALL been about ME?!

he has a great job.

in the midst of many people being laid off in his industry, he has managed to be promoted.

twice.

in 2 years.

and decent promotions.

not just like little ones.

of course, he's absolutely worked his rear end off....

we have managed to save money almost every week, and we've never gone hungry....

we've had some fun,

and even bought new things.

we moved into a decent size home in a beautiful area.

we, well, i drive a nice car....

he refuses to part ways with his ol putt putt.... which i am slowly beginning to understand.

the girl holds up, what can i say?

she's still running, and she gets him to and from downtown L.A. every single day.

but what about his phone calls in the middle of a rainy night.... that the basement is flooding....

or that they got broken into.... or that he has to work on saturday.... AND sunday.... week after week....

what about the stress that comes with his promotions....

or the decisions he is now held accountable for?

what about the sleepless nights he may (or may not) have because of this position?

does he really ENJOY what he does?

is it FUN?

does he wake up and think, "i'm excited to get out there and work today?"

or is it like, "i just have to go do this."

if you know anything about my husband, it will be this....

he will get the job done....

he may not be smiling and chipper and all peppy and enthusiastic about it, but he'll get it done...

no matter what it is.

if you ask him to do something, he'll do it.

and it may not be the way you want him to do it, but i mean it.... he'll get it done....

sometimes last minute.... sometimes way in advance.... sometimes a few minutes late.... sometimes extremely tired.... grumpy..... on no sleep.... sometimes unshowered..... or forgetting lewie's sippy cup, but he'll get the job done....

and that has worked for him.... his entire life....

but i don't want him to just get the job done anymore.

i want him to be happy.

i am not entirely sure he knows what will make him happy, and i'm not entirely sure I know what makes him happy....

hell, i barely know what makes ME happy....

but i am going to fight like hell to help us both figure that answer out....

helping people (to an extent) makes me happy.

watching the kids have fun, and be excited.... makes me REALLY happy....

like really REALLY happy.

knowing that jason enjoys something, makes me happy....

notice, that the common denominator to all of these are other people's happiness.... what do IIII truly enjoy.

i like a massage.

but not like one i have to get half naked for. i can't enjoy that.

i like one at the nail salon where the girl rubs some super smelly good lotion on your shoulders and calls it a day, kind of massage....

not the kind where an oompa loompa rests her gut, that starts at her knees, on the back of my head, suffocating me, while i'm trying to think of an excuse to lift my head.... (maybe i can sneeze or cough or something.... that way she'll move her GUT off the back of my dang head!!!) <--- this was a true story, by the way....

anyway....

i don't want to live my life as if i wasn't going to die anytime soon.

i don't know when i'm going to go....

i don't know when my time is.

i don't know when Jason's time is.

or Taylor's.... or Lewie's....

i don't want to think about it, but i also don't want to ignore the fact that it is sometime in our future....

i want to live my life, without all of the extra stuff....

i just want Jason HERE.....

seriously.

if i worked full time at a job that i was semi happy with, because it would take away from him driving 15 hours a week in traffic, i'd do it in a heartbeat....

the thing is, is that you don't know my husband.

he is a provider.

he wants to provide EVERYTHING for us.....

EVERYTHING....

he doesn't want me to have to work.

or worry about providing money, or insurance for our family.

he thinks he needs to do that.

i understand it's a guy thing, to an extent, but guys, let the woman help too! (especially if she wants to and wants YOU around more).

don't get me wrong,

Jason provides us with a wonderful life.

a beautiful home.

a nice car.

lots of food.

lots of fun.

but he's not around to enjoy it all with us all the time....

and sure, there are a lot of other people out there who would enjoy the fun with us, but no offense, you aren't my husband.

he is one of a kind....

he's every reason i ever got married.

he literally makes me heart say, "Awwwww" all geeky-ish when i see him, cuz i just love him so so much....

so as annoying as he may be.... there is no one else in the world i'd rather be annoyed by than him....

it's not the "you're so annoying, i don't think i like you anymore," kind of annoying.

it's the "GOSH you're SO annoying right now.... roll over so i don't have to hear you snoring, but give me a kiss before you roll over" kind of annoying.... =)

i hope i always feel this way about him.... i love him to bits and pieces.... i'd even go back into property management if it meant he'd be home more....

is there ANYTHING you'd do differently if you knew you had just a little bit more time with your significant other?

like keep the earrings that he got you, even if they look a little bit too big, just because you'd miss them like heck if anything were to happen to him? (just sayin')....

i ALMOST took those earrings back, but kept them because he picked them out.... and he told me WHY he picked them out.... and i know that i'd wear those earrings every single day if he died, you know?

putting your life into action the way you would look back and say "if only i knew.... i would have done this...." is SO MUCH how i want to live my life NOW.... it's SO hard to do.... it really really is, but it just needs to be done....

so with my huge earrings, i leave you with this....

sit down with your partner....

talk about what it is you guys want.... together....

what you'd do differently if....

and do it.....

now. =)

Happy almost new year, my dear friends.

I treasure you all....

Self Defense 101.

and you don't even have to learn to punch someone in my class.... =)

Today was pajama day in Taylor's class. They are all wearing their pajamas and could bring a pillow and a blanket (i think), and they are going to watch the movie "Elf," as it is their last day before Christmas break. So, Taylor tells my mom (Nana) that she was hoping she'd get new pajamas before this day.... which was news to me, because she never mentioned that she wanted new pajamas.... I guess I should have REALLY thought ahead, about what she wears to bed and what she would actually wear to school....

but i didn't....

she wears one of Jason's t-shirts.... it's from his last jobsite.... she wears that and some sweat pants, that are nothing i'd recommend wearing in public, or some shorts with popsicles on them.... who cares, right? i mean they're pajamas.... the popsicle shorts had a matching shirt that we got, but we bought them in the summer, and now it's almost winter, and it's raining.... and it's supposed to be raining for the next week.... so i'm rather certain, she won't be going to school in popsicle shorts and a HUGE oversized t-shirt that covers up the popsicle shorts...

ANYWAY.... she has CUTE pj's at Nana and Poppa's (aka Patrick Tillett and Buymebarbies).... they are leopard print and pink kitty cat paws and are flannel.... and they fit.... and they aren't oversized.... and THEY MATCH!!!! Perfect! she can wear those....

well, she goes on to tell Nana how it would just be death wearing those to school, because "it will be too hot" in those pajamas.... so last night, after my night class, I stopped by my mom's before heading home.... I asked my mom for the Kitty Pj's for her to wear to school tomorrow and we had a discussion about her possibly being embarassed about the leopard and kitty pjs and whatnot...

this morning, Taylor comes into my room and says, "I don't know what pajamas to wear mom. I saw you brought the pajamas from Nana's house here, but i'm afraid if i wear them, people will make fun of me."

"why would they do that?" i asked.

"I don't know," she said, shrugging her shoulders....

so ol' mother hen in me starts getting worked up inside, remembering when IIIII was made fun of, and the mean things kids used to say and do to me when i was younger...

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU Ashley!!!" i told myself....

"yeah, but i know how it feels to be made fun of.... i know how it feels like it's the end of the world, even though it's not." i said back to myself.

"yeah, but how are you going to explain that to taylor?"

"i don't know yet!"

yeah, i sat there, conversing with myself for about 12 seconds and then finally said something like, "who CARES what other people think?"

really? that's the best you could come up with?

SHE does!! obviously....

so then i said, "honey, i know that it FEELS like SUCH a big deal when someone makes fun of you, but if you've never trusted me before, trust me now.... when you get older, it doesn't matter what someone in your 3rd grade class said about your pajamas on pajama day...."

seriously ashley? c'mon you can do better than that.... she doesn't care about 15 years from now.... she cares about NOW!!!!

oh hell.... i'm sitting at the edge of my bed, starting a sentence and then stopping myself.... she's standing there in her oversized T-shirt with condos and a construction name in big, bold letters on it.... the sleeves fall to about her elbows....

"Taylor.... what do you..."

"i know it's...."

"why don't you..."

"what do you think they'll say to you?" I ask....

"i don't know," she answered.

so i sit here, trying to play it out in my head.... play out the scenarios that could possibly take place at school. would they make fun of her for the colors? the patterns? the size? i don't know....

i wanted to give her a comeback.

i wanted to give her something she could say, and i wanted her to feel confident with her comeback....

so i started to think of things she could possibly tell people if they said anything about her pajamas....

"do you like your pajamas?"

she said, "yeaahhh."

i said, "do you really like your pajamas or are you just saying that?"

"no, i really do like them."

okay, then if anyone says anything about your pajamas you can say, "look. everyone has different taste.... and then look them up and down, and say, 'i may not like YOUR outfit, but i'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.' ".... we both laughed....

or you can ask them, "should i be extremely flattered that you care about me and my pajamas enough to spend time in your day talking about them?"

she laughed, "i really like that one mom."

we fired things off back and forth to each other, laughing about them.

she stopped and said, "you used to get made fun of a lot, huh mom?"

i said, "YEP! but i'm pretty cool now don't you think?"

she said, "yeaaaaahhhh suuuure you are mom!"

oh MAN did we ever laugh....

i said, "just don't ask dad if i'm cool or not...." she got a kick out of that, because they always joke about what a big geek i am.... they are joking, right?

anyway.... she gets dressed.... we picked out a pink tanktop to wear under the pajamas and some tan boots to wear to match the tan soft leopard print on her pjs.... she was confident. she was smiling and wearing her leopard pj's and she. was. confident.

she could wear ANYTHING and look good with that level of confidence....

and off we headed, to school....

we pull up and she hesitates to get out of the truck.

"i'm kind of embarassed about my pajamas mom," she says with hesistation, again....

"everyone has different taste.... and that's okay.... 'i may not like YOOOOUR outfit, but i'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.' " i repeated to her again....

she leans over and kisses me, hops out of the truck, swings her backpack over her shoulder and says, "thanks mom."

and off she goes....

in her leopard pj's....

with all of that confidence all over again....

if there are any lessons in life that i can teach her, i want her to know that it's okay to like different things.... not to intentionally hurt people's feelings.... how to stand up for herself.... and to stand up and be different.... those are the most successful people... the ones who don't just go along with the world....

i love my girl....

i hope she takes in my lessons as much as i hope she does....

when making a decision to have a child at 18 years old, you think about, "how am i going to pay for diapers and formula...."

you don't really think about, "what happens when they are in 3rd grade, worried about being made fun of for their pajamas on pajama day...."

i didn't have the answers to all of the questions i had.... heck, i still don't.... but i know that your best defense (and kindness) comes from your mouth (and actions).... and occasionally a swift kick in the shin, however, i hope she learns to use her words and brain together, a little better and quicker than i did....

love. that. girl.

Life Happens!

I could blog for about 12 and a half pages and tell you what i've been doing lately.... and why i haven't blogged, or i can just show you.... i'm not entirely sure where i left off. i should have checked that before starting this post, but it's too late now, so here goes.... (click on any of the pictures to enlarge them, especially if you're blind like me).

Halloween happened.... we made a trip to this MEGA pumpkin patch around the corner from our house, which was more like a carnival than a pumpkin patch.... Jason captured this MARVELOUS picture of T (a little bit of sarcasm).... who are those GEEKS kneeling down behind her looking at pumpkins? oh wait. that's Lew and i....

Taylor picked out her pumpkin and carved it all by herself. (notice the peace sign for a nose.... and T's for the eyes.... ohhhh T)

There is a reason I was dressed as Minnie. well a few reasons actually. when i was younger, my mom used to call me skinny minnie.... however, i wouldn't have ONLY dressed up because my mom called me skinny minnie when i was 10.... Taylor was Alex from wizards of waverly place....

and for those of you who don't know who alex from wizards of waverly place is.... this is the look we were attempting....

the real reason I was dressed up as Minnie.... because Lewie boy was dressed up as his favorite character.... the MICKSTER!!

and no event is complete without me and the stud.

by the end of the night, we were all a little nuts.... (well, okay.... a little more abnormal than usual)

I actually thought of jazzing up the picture and making it this year's Christmas card....

then decided we looked more crazy than i'd like to admit to.... (i think it's called...... "denial.")

what else has happened?

Oh! Vet's Day happened.... and Taylor took Poppa to school with her.... kind of like a show and tell.... Poppa was SUCH a good sport and got up SUPER early to come stand in front of the ENTIRE school.... but hold it right there.... don't feel TOO sorry for him.... we brought him donuts. YUM!
Thanksgiving happened.... Poppa and T.
Nana, T and Lewie.... they sure love their nana!!
The morning after Thanksgiving, we headed to the river.... or the desert.... to ride quads.... Lewie's first time.
and Taylor's first time too.... we all headed out for a little family ride. (minus Lew.... he stayed back with a beer, watching some Jerry Springer, I think....)
Then Jason and I snuck off later by ourselves (kids were with the inlaws back at the trailer).... this "spot" was absolutely BEAUTIFUL, and the sun was just beginning to set.... it was pretty cool that I had still had my helmet from high school.... =)

this picture just doesn't do anything for the scene.... it literally looked like an oil painting.... the mountains were red in the distance... the water was so calm. everything was still.... and the only noise you heard were the ducks below.... we had a "moment" there for sure.... so quiet.... i'm pretty sure i fell in love with him about 17 times here....
and then fall came by our house.... changed the leaves.... dropped a few off.... glad it finally decided to pay us a visit....
taylor and i started our blanket making this season.... this is our very first blanket we've made.... she is awfully proud....
Jason and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary.... that's an entire blog in itself, but i'll cut it extremely short and just say that i have an amazing husband.... JUST IN CASE i haven't mentioned that yet.... i totally threw a tantrum that night. i blame the not eating all day and migraine for my grumpster attitude.... he just laughed and told me how much he loved me all night.... we had a WONDERFUL sushi dinner and then went for a glass of wine after. =)
Poppa got his surgery, and is doing a lot better.... thanks for all the prayers and well wishes....

Taylor got student of the month award.... for excellence in mathematics and for being a caring individual and helping others often.
and then there was Jason's work party. this night was a BLAST! i haven't danced in over 2 years and i literally danced until my pantyhose tore. notice i didn't say snag.... they ripped.... tore.... holes in the crotch.... and no, that was not a.... nevermind. we had a wonderful evening!!!
jason and his dad are with the same company, so we all went together.... me and hubby, jason's dad and stepmom (aka the inlaws)
the following night there was a boat parade.... i was so excited for all the wonderful pictures i would be taking.... for SURE there would be great ones!!!!

.... aaaaaaand this is the best one i got of my loves.... (and creepy guy in background) taylor looks like a shih tzu)
indeed, the boat parade was so incredibly fascinating, Taylor had to hurry up and dream about it on the way home.... and when she complained of having a sore neck, i denied knowing ANY possible cause for this....
Lewie got his 2nd haircut.... this is something he doesn't mind doing at all.... which just amazes me.... (i TOTALLY hit on the guy in the background) ;)
taylor had her Christmas concert.... forgive me.... i believe they called it holiday season concert or something like that.... i'll just call it the Christmas concert.... she is the top row.... 3rd from the left.... black sweater.... We all had to sing along with them.... "yyyyooooou better watch out. you better not shout.... you better not cry i'm telling you why...."
and santa claus really came....

.... and while everyone else was taking pictures with their friends and family and classmates, taylor came up to me and asked if i could take a picture of her and Lewie.... of COURSE i can....
so, there you have it folks.... all of this, plus school, plus a little bit of volunteer stuff (for taylor's school), work.... i am BEYOND exhausted.... but we are having a pretty good time.... i hope EVERYONE is fantastic and i can't wait to catch up on your blogs!!! =)

Merry Christmas everyone!!! =)