i think i'm more nervous than she is.... or isn't....

i sit here awake at 548 am.

not only awake, but showered.

my contacts are in.

i even made 2 slices of oroweat whole grain toast.... with butter.

jason's already on the road to work....

and the sun hasn't even started to light my rooms....

did i ever think i'd be right here?

no. i didn't.

being so awake before dawn gives me this rather eery (sp) feeling.

it takes me back to my childhood, but only when i'd visit my father out of state.....

my dad lived in tennessee since i was 7 (which is where most of my memories with him are).

and everytime we'd go to visit him, we'd be catching the 7 am flight out of LAX and we'd always fly northwest, flight 177 if i remember correctly. leaving this early, meant we had to be awake and out of the house while it was still dark. and as excited as i'd be to be seeing my father in some few hours, i'd be anxious that i was leaving my mom. and not an excited kind of anxious, but rather a sad, uncomfortable kind of anxious....

it's still dark outside. no one is up at this hour, but maybe a few people who are getting ready for work.... maybe the newspaper boy or man, or whoever he was....

the smell of coffee still lingers this morning. our condo's smell of coffee, reminds me of my father's house. He was always awake before i was.... always had his coffee made and sipped it while smoking a cigarette and reading the paper.... and it was still dark outside....

to this day, i still don't like being awake until the sun is.... weird how some things just stick with you.... or maybe, i'm just weird....

i've been awake since 415 this morning.... it was the 2nd feeding of the night. (first one was at 1 something).... my nerves don't let me go back to sleep, because if i did, i know i'd just shut of the alarm when it would go off around 5 am... i knew better. i've learned over the many years of doing so.... i've even overslept and missed my plane to tennessee.... who does that? apparently, i do.

seriously, so much of me wants to go back to bed right now.... but i'm not going to. i'm sitting on the floor in the living room and ALL i can hear is the running sound of the refrigerator, and an occasional grunting sound from my little man down the hall in the bedroom. my stomach's turning, as if i ate eggs. (i don't like eggs very often. they ALWAYS upset my stomach). maybe the same effect for some people who drink coffee sometimes....

i am going to wake taylor up in a few minutes.... it's her very first day of second grade.... i try to think back to my very first day of second grade. i can't remember. all i know is my teacher's name. it was mrs. garland. her skin was wrinkled and she had white hair with streaks of gray.... I can't remember what i wore, but i'm sure whatever it was, was crispy clean and brand spankin new. that's what my mom did. she took us shopping, and we couldn't wear a single item of new school clothing until the first day of school. our shoes were brand new as well. I remember trying the outfit on the night before (and maybe even a few days before, too) just to get "ready" and make sure the outfit looked just right (and because i was super anxious to wear it).... so last night, we did this. Taylor and i, went through all her new clothes and picked out just what she would wear.... we even got out a pair of her brand new shoes (thanks grammy for the cool white and pink tennies). After her bath, we tried on the outfit as a whole, and she loved it. she was so pumped.... (thank goodness for her trying this outfit on, as she was starting to get the jitters about starting school today).... you know, i hadn't had any nervous feelings for her until this morning. i have so much confidence in Taylor meeting new friends, but this still isn't how i envisioned it being.... i moved to Irvine for the schools and had no plan on leaving until she was done with school.... i didn't want to move her away from her friends. she's so resiliant, that often i am afraid i overlook her feelings.... am i missing the things that are going to affect her long term? are these things really not that HUGE of a deal? i don't know! i just pray that i've made the right decision up and to this point.... so taylor's first day is today..... her teacher's name is Mrs. Ritchie, or maybe it's Miss. We don't know that much yet. Miss or Mrs Ritchie looks a lot like Taylor's first grade teacher.... We are going to try to walk over to school today (since it is just across the street)....

Little man is still sleeping, so I am going to go wake taylor up. i am going to help her get all ready and spend extra time with her this morning. i even made cinnamon and sugar so we can have cinnamon toast (one of her favorites). She'll be excited for the mommy and me time WITHOUT little man.... i'll be excited for it too.... it's been a while....