Buymebarbies.... aka Mom.

usually her calmness, calms me too....

i'm still certain it will be okay, but what if it wasn't? usually her "it's gonna be all right" attitude and smile lead me to believe that it all will be.....

there are many things i've recognized about myself and many that i haven't yet noticed, because i've just dismissed them as "That's just me and how I do things."

now, i'm going to go back a few steps and you may or may not follow, but i must go back before i move forward....

in the hospital.... when i worked in the hospital, i got patient Joe.

Joe suffered a stroke the day before.

Joe came to me, unable to feed himself, unable to speak, unable to move, unable to do anything, but lie there.... with his mouth open.

my job....

my job was to clean him up, checking on him, monitoring him, while they ran further tests to see the damage....

Joe was married.

his wife came in and told me, "i can't believe this. just yesterday i was talking to him. laughing with him..... i can't believe this."

you see, i didn't KNOW Joe yesterday.

i didn't know the Joe that laughed, talked, fed himself, walked to the bathroom, got himself ready.

i didn't know that Joe.....

there was no emotional connection to Joe.

so, for me, i was able to care for this Joe.... the only Joe i knew....

and I could see that Joe's wife was distraught.

and so i could comfort her, as much as i could....

there was no emotional attachment to either one of them....

doesn't mean that i didn't feel a connection to them,

i just didn't have a history with them....

it wasn't hard for me to help them.

THERE WASN'T AN EMOTIONAL PAST with them...

i am good, when there isn't an emotional connection to the people.

and i think most people are, or at least can be.

you stand back and think it would be easier to care for someone you love and care about....

everyone thinks that until they've done it....

or tried to do it....

you'd be AMAZED at how many people do not have the support of their family while in the hospital.

or how many marriages end or fall apart when one partner gets ill....

people don't know how to digest the emotions that come along with it all....

your fear of losing the person may come out in an entirely different shape or form....

often my "fear" looks more like "crazy."

you'd be amazed at what adrenaline can allow you to do....

you'd be amazed that you remember every single step to checking someone's airways and attempting to resuscitate them, when you find someone unconscious.....

you'd be amazed at how much weight you can hold when you HAVE to.... or how much throw up, blood or diarrhea doesn't even phase you when you're caught off guard and it's about saving someone's life or preventing them from being hurt....

what about when it's your strong dad that you're used to seeing lift EVERYTHING?

or how he was the only one who EVER drove ANYWHERE, but now you are assisting him into the back seat of the car with pillows, and oxygen, only to watch him fall over onto his side and just lie there and not want to be moved?

or how about when you walk in to check on him and he has not made it to the toilet.... or even to the side of the bed to ask for help?

what about when it is your, once strong, father who is now the weak one needing assistance?

you don't know what boundaries there are, but there ARE boundaries....

if not YOUR boundaries, then he certainly has his own.

and after all, he's still the boss. he's still your elder.

he's still your father. and he'll still tell you what you can and can't do....

and there's still this respect that you have for him, that won't allow you to cross those boundaries....

i KNOW those....

as much as i WOULD have jumped in and done anything in the world to help him, he didn't want my help.... sometimes he needed my help, but he didn't want it....

"you don't need to see me like this," he'd whisper in his deep Southern accent....

.....

i could help soooo many people, daily, in the hospital, but i couldn't even help my own father.

i felt almost helpless, kind of numb and kind of confused....

i felt like i could provide the very best care for him, yet i couldn't really help him at all....

.....

and then here i am.

an entirely different situation, but all of the exact same feelings arise....

my mother.

my right hand.

you might know her as buymebarbies from pat's blog.

that's my rock.

her and jason.

the 2 people in my bullseye....

i still see her as the strong, tough, hard (fulltime) working, bikeriding, rollercoaster riding, chase you up the escalator in the department store mom that i had growing up....

that's what she is.... or what she was....

that's what she is to me....

however, years and years pass....

and people grow,

and people change.

mom needs surgery* on her spine..

tomorrow.

tomorrow morning.

i was fine, FINE, up until yesterday....

and then i just lost it...

i think it was slowly building up, but yesterday is when it became visibly clear for me.... and would you know, that up until yesterday i talked to her everyday....

but yesterday was hard for me emotionally, so you'd think that of all days, that YESTERDAY would be the day i'd call and talk to her....

nope.

i'm not quite wired like that all the time, but would like to be.

she doesn't need to hear me cry.

or tell her i'm so scared for her surgery....

i have no doubt that she'll be okay....

but my fear comes from the day she won't be okay....

my fear comes from the day i am without her....

of all those times that jason is in a meeting at work and can't listen to me vent,

she does.

when i get off of work at 1030 at night, and jason and the kids are fast asleep.... guess who isn't?

she isn't...

she's awake, and hasn't ever told me not to come over....

in fact, she's allowed me to come over every single time....

she's the one who puts the phone on the bathroom counter and hops on one foot to get into her pants while leaning over to still hear what i'm saying....

brushes her teeth, and puts make up while i go on and on and on about whatever it is i go on about....

she'll have an appointment, you know, but she'd never not make time for me....

she's the one who nudges me in the back when i come up with some larger than life idea....

she's the one who says i'd be a great nurse.... or doctor..... or comedian.... or anything else i've ever contemplated being in my lifetime.....

she's the one who got down on her knees on the floor with me and held me while i've cried....

the one who laughs and drops mattresses with me everytime we move them....

she's the one whose laugh is contagious, no matter who you are....

she's the one you wanted to do nice things for just to make her feel half as good as she made you feel. you wanted her to feel as important as she always made you feel....

she was the only one i always wanted to crawl into bed with and hold hands with until we fell asleep. and she would hold my hand. and when i'd wake up and we wouldn't be holding hands, i'd re-hold her hand.... and she'd let me....

i'd try to make her breakfast on the weekends, and the pancakes would be waaaaay undercooked (and cold by the time she got them). the butter wouldn't even melt. The eggs were far overcooked (burnt and cold by the time she got them). her coffee probably tasted like pig toes, but she still drank it....

i don't know how she did it....

my mom is the one who will shop with me for hours so that i can find something i like.... she's got the patience to sort through every random piece of clothing to find my size.... she is determined.... she follows through with everything she does and everything is always complete and dang near perfect when she's done it....

she's the mom who spent her annual 2 weeks of vacation with us on our spring break and summer vacation, taking us to have the times of our little lives....

we always had cool souvenirs and great memories....

i was the biggest nerd, but somehow still felt cool.....

all because of her....

....

i know all of the "enjoy your mom while she is alive and well" comments are coming.... and i will most certainly try my hardest to do so.... i try every single day....

the emotional attachment IS there....

i DID know mom when she could ride rollercoasters and not get sick.

i DID know mom when she would chase us up the escalators, while other parents stoodby with the glares, like, "you are condoning this?"

i DID know my mom when she would go on 3o mile bikerides for fun.

i DID know my mom like that....

so to slowly watch those things stop, DOES affect me....

the fear of her surgery DOES scare me, because i know she can't just bounce back from it like she might have been able to do when we were younger.... when we were ALL younger....

i'd be lost without her....

she is one of the only 2 people in my bullseye and my heart would be empty with such a huge chunk missing....

.....

so aside from the negative way that this may have sounded like, it was really meant to be positive.

she is such a huge part of me....

i love her a great, GREAT deal, and i think i am unable to put it into words what i feel for her while i sit in front of her face-to-face, so here's to you momma....

half of my bullseye....

i love you.

i hope your surgery goes well and that you heal fast, so we can get to working out! ;)

LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH! (so do Lewie, Taylor and Asia)

*(her surgery is on her spine.... for disintegrated discs in between her vertebraes.... she has a lot of neck problems, and had surgery 11 years ago for the same thing. there is very little, almost no spinal fluid around her spinal cord, and the doctors said if she even did something so small as to trip on the curb and fall, she could die, because of the lack of fluid surrounding her spine!) like i keep telling her, she should REALLY start her own blog. she's much better at explaining it than i am.... but keep her in your prayers and good thoughts, would you? i would really appreciate that!!)

Rest in Peace Dad.

3 years ago today, the funniest man i knew, went to Heaven....

MAN are they sure lucky....

If you ever wondered where we came up with such a name for my little man (Lewie, well, actually Lewis....) here is where....

my father, Lewis L Norris Jr. and Taylor girl back in 2006.
Pappy, Taylor and Mimi....
Me and Dad in 2007, when he got to go to the awards in Las Vegas, either CMA's or AMA's. How cool is that? He was so excited, and that was just 6 months before he passed away....
Vegas, 2007.
This was about 3 and a half weeks before he passed away.... back in Tennessee.
Our very last photos together.

MAN, i wish you guys could have known him. His sense of humor was just something else....

Rest in peace, Daddy-o.

White eyes.

it was back in mr. flynn's 4th grade class that we met.

well, we weren't really friends.... yet.

one day, she was in tears.

she wouldn't talk to anyone really.

and i asked our teacher if i could sit with her in the hallway to try to help her feel better.

to my surprise he let us sit in the hallway.

we took 2 chairs out there and sat there.

i pressed my glasses up between my eyes, and sat there.

i didn't know what i was going to say, but i just wanted to say something to make her feel better.

she finally began talking to me.

it was her dad.

he had just passed away.

he wasn't even sick!

he just passed away....

suddenly.

she was so upset.

she loved him sooooo much.

i didn't know much, but i learned empathy. i learned sympathy without even knowing what the word meant.....

i remember us hugging, and thinking to myself, "i hope she doesn't think i'm weird. i hope she knows i just want her to feel better."

....

and from then on, we were inseparable.

she was my buddy.

my best buddy.

she was quiet and had an attitude unlike anyone you've ever met in your life,

but we loved her!

she did this thing, where she'd rolllll her eyes and cross her arms, and bite her long thumb nail (all of her nails were long)....

her toenails were even long.

"they're easier to paint," she said.

but we loved her.

all of us.

my whole family.

we had sleepovers all of the time.

we would turn our closets into "ships," hanging flashlights from ribbons, hanging down from the hangers and swing it back and forth as if we were sailing the rough seas....

when it got too hot, we'd come out for a drink or for some food.

we used to stay up late to watch jerry springer....

back when a "fight" wasn't the norm, but it really spiced things up.....

it came on at 11 pm, and if we were able to stay up THAT late, we were shocked!!!!

we both has passes to knott's berry farm. and we went ALL of the time.... together.

(no, that's not blossom in the top picture, it's me.

no, that's not a boy in the 2nd picture, that is us, and yes, we ARE sniffing deodorant.... "Smells like teen spirit," remember??

and that photo was taken in a photo booth in Knott's berry farm)

yes, we were inseparable!!!

we used to walk to McDonald's outside the park, and offer homeless people food.

at our sleepovers, we would play this game called "white eyes."

it was when we'd stand in the front yard, at night, and yell "white eyes" when we'd see a car coming, and we'd drop and roll alllll the way to the edge of the sidewalk.

and laugh hysterically....

we would toilet paper people's houses.

and eat lots of junk food.

one time, we were at a pizza joint in our old neck of the woods, and i had to go to the bathroom, she came to the bathroom with me, and stood by the sink and waited.

there were a few other people in the bathroom at that time.

i totally farted, and laughed and farted some more.

i couldn't stop! it was hysterical.

she was outside by the sink, laughing SOOO hard, she almost peed her pants!!!!

we laughed about that for a long time.

when i spent the night over at her house, we would go to the grocery story and spend SO much money on toilet paper!

we'd stack it SO high in the middle of the aisle and take pictures of us in it.

our next mission....

to cover someone's house in toilet paper!!!!

next morning, we'd eat blueberry bagels.

she loved blueberry bagels.

i'd never had them before her.

as cheesy as this sounds, i still think of her to this day when i eat blueberry bagels.

we had boyfriends in middle school, and although i broke up with mine, she stayed with hers into high school.

i think it was during high school that we slowly started drifting apart....

she had a new group of friends.

she split from her middle school boyfriend, and she began dating a new guy....

they dated for many years....

our senior year in high school, her mom decided to sell their home and move up north.

lauren had 2 options.

1. move up north with her and finish high school in another state,

or

2. find a place to live

she was 18 by now, so....

they bought a home together, her and the boyfriend.

she had worked as a waitress for a looooong time, from high school and even after.

it was all she'd done.

a while later, they became engaged, and she became pregnant.

Lauren had endured MANY tough times up to this point.

her dream was finally coming true....

she was going to marry her high school sweetheart, and have their baby....

a little baby boy....

Lauren was scheduled to be induced on July 7th of 2006.

her entire life changed the night before she delivered, when her fiance passed away on July 6th.

We hadn't talked a whole lot up to this point, but the second i heard the devastating news, i texted her.

i still had her number, of course i did.

and i'm not entirely sure why we hadn't spoken for quite some time.

i texted her asking her to call me immediately....

it was a few days, but she called.

she called and we talked.

for a long time, we talked.

we caught up on what we'd missed in our time away from each other....

no matter how much time had passed between our conversations, we always seemed to pick up RIGHT where we had left off before....

the closeness never left....

I got my own place when Dylan was a few months old.

she would come and visit.

i remember staying up with her at all hours of the night, because Dylan wouldn't sleep through the night very well.

i remember how frustrating it was, and how we both sat and told each other, we hadn't planned our lives to be single mothers....

it wasn't how it was supposed to be.....

but it was....

we just didn't know that at that time.....!!!!

we sat there, sometimes angry at God for putting us in this position....

how were we supposed to make it with kids and no fathers?

we'd stay up late, into the wee hours of the night, rocking dylan with a bottle, while making soft brownies, just because we could.... (and no, we weren't on drugs. it was more like sympathy food)

i remember for the first time, us sitting and talking about what had gone on the past few months and crying together....

i KNEW....

from that moment, that she was going to be okay,

but i wasn't thorougly convinced SHE knew she was going to be okay.

she had so many questions left unanswered.

she had so many feelings she couldn't put names to.

it was a rollercoaster for her,

and rightfully so....

i remember just wanting to hug her again.... to sit and talk with her again, just like we did in the 4th grade....

i wanted to empathize with her.

i wanted to sympathize with her.

i wanted to help her to see that she was going to make it.

that she had made it THIS far,

with Dylan....

she was going to make it even FURTHER than she could dream possible at that time....

i knew she was going to make it....

and she still endured more since then....

(including our RANDOM trip to vegas. HA!).... i texted her on a tuesday, on my lunch break. "wanna go to vegas?" she asked, "when?" i said, "today. pack yo stuff and les roll!"

(ready to take on the town, and yes i was TOTALLY squatting down so that i could be more at her level.... i'm like a foot taller than her.)

she needed someone, sober, to tell her when to walk away from the tables.... (me!) even though she'd accuse me of taking her money and hiding it from her.....

me: "Lauren, it's on the table."

L: "Yeah, cuz you just put it there."

me: "yeah, i magically put it there.... i'm still in bed. shut up and go to sleep."

but today,

today she has since finished some schooling and is working as a Medical Assistant, with every intent on becoming a nurse.... she works in a great office by the beach....

she has an AMAZING little boy, who she just loves with all of her heart and soul....

and it shows....

she has since, reconnected with her middle school boyfriend and have remained so close since Dylan was a few months old.

They are now, officially back together again, and it makes me SO happy to see someone care for the BOTH of them as much as he does....

his family has accepted that little man into their house, into their lives and into their hearts like he were their own blood....

Lauren has taken a stand, against everything this world has thrown at her, and we are going to be celebrating his 4th birthday next weekend!!!! how cool is that??

Lauren is finally as happy as i think i've ever seen her, and that makes me INCREDIBLY happy too!!!

I want her to know how VERY proud of her I am for finishing her school, for going outside her comfort zone in doing things she didn't even think was possible.... i want her to know, now, that even when you feel like there isn't any hope left in this world, there is.... even if it's a glimmer that's SO small, you can't even see it.... even if you can't even IMAGINE it.... it's there....

i'm SO glad she is finally able to feel the love and the happiness that i always knew she had coming for her....