best buddies.

Taylor came to me a few weeks back with an application.

"Mom, can you sign the bottom please?" she asked, as she walked away.

So i'm "reviewing" this application....

What am i signing my life away for?

She wanted to be a "best buddy."

A best buddy is a volunteer that helps with the special ed students.

Her application said she wanted to help the special ed students because she thinks everyone deserves to feel welcome and to have friends. She went on to say that she thinks she will make a good "Best buddy" because she is patient, kind, caring, and dependable. When asked how often she would like to help out, she said as much as she is able to....

It moved my heart. I remember when I was in 3rd grade, the exact same grade she is in, I helped the special ed class too! I never told her that, but I will eventually. I don't want her to feel like she has to follow in my footsteps exactly....

So I hadn't heard anything else about the best buddies situation, until yesterday.

I picked her up from school and she says, "Mom, someone at my school had a seizure today!"

"Really?" I asked. "Did you know them?"

"It was Anna's little sister. She's in 2nd grade. We were just playing on the playground and all of a sudden, she wasn't breathing. She was just lying there."

"You were playing with her?"

"No, I was playing with my best buddy, and then all of a sudden the teachers told everyone to go to the field to give the firemen room and stuff."

"Oh.... the firemen came? Was she okay?"

"Well they couldn't get her to respond or anything for a little while. The nurse covered her up with a blanket and held her to keep her warm. You know, I didn't even know what a seizure was until today. My little buddy told me," she said.

"So your application got accepted to be a best buddy?" I asked.

"Yep. I get to play with them on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

She went on to tell me some of their names and how they are just like everyone else, but they might need things explained to them a little bit more. She told me you can't bug them or overwhelm them and not to get too wordy with them. You must be patient and have fun with them, just like everyone else.

Now, I'm not really great at expressing the warm fuzzy feelings I often feel on the inside, but boy did I love hearing that. It just takes me back to when I was younger and how I remember feeling the same way.... I remember thinking, "If only I could get the rest of the people to feel the same way. I wish kids didn't make fun of each other."

I hope Taylor doesn't grow up carrying a burden to "fix" the world, but that she leads by example and from a deep motivation that goodness and kindness can go very far in life.... How do you find the balance.... the in-between? I'm not entirely sure....

(side note: hold on, let me catch my breath.... I'm sitting in my room typing this.... Asia is snoring on the floor next to me.... We both hear the front gate/latch open and clank. She growls and jumps up, as do I at the exact same time. I put my computer on the floor and make a mad DASH for the front door, because it's open and Asia's going to attack whoever is there (not really, but she is ferocious sounding and looking).... I tripped twice and almost fell flat on my face dodging through the hallway and hopping over the couch.... MAN that was a close call! It was 2 women.... Jehovah's witnesses.... um, didn't they see the pile of dog poop by the front gate? I didn't go outside and poop on the cement, so wouldn't the assume there is a dog here? Gutsy to open people's gates and just come on in.... thankfully Asia didn't get to the door before I did and thankfully they didn't make it all the way in.... and NOT because they're Jehovah's witnesses.... I don't like anyone I don't know coming to my door.)

okay, now back to my obsessive labeling and organizing of Taylor's room!!!

Self Defense 101.

and you don't even have to learn to punch someone in my class.... =)

Today was pajama day in Taylor's class. They are all wearing their pajamas and could bring a pillow and a blanket (i think), and they are going to watch the movie "Elf," as it is their last day before Christmas break. So, Taylor tells my mom (Nana) that she was hoping she'd get new pajamas before this day.... which was news to me, because she never mentioned that she wanted new pajamas.... I guess I should have REALLY thought ahead, about what she wears to bed and what she would actually wear to school....

but i didn't....

she wears one of Jason's t-shirts.... it's from his last jobsite.... she wears that and some sweat pants, that are nothing i'd recommend wearing in public, or some shorts with popsicles on them.... who cares, right? i mean they're pajamas.... the popsicle shorts had a matching shirt that we got, but we bought them in the summer, and now it's almost winter, and it's raining.... and it's supposed to be raining for the next week.... so i'm rather certain, she won't be going to school in popsicle shorts and a HUGE oversized t-shirt that covers up the popsicle shorts...

ANYWAY.... she has CUTE pj's at Nana and Poppa's (aka Patrick Tillett and Buymebarbies).... they are leopard print and pink kitty cat paws and are flannel.... and they fit.... and they aren't oversized.... and THEY MATCH!!!! Perfect! she can wear those....

well, she goes on to tell Nana how it would just be death wearing those to school, because "it will be too hot" in those pajamas.... so last night, after my night class, I stopped by my mom's before heading home.... I asked my mom for the Kitty Pj's for her to wear to school tomorrow and we had a discussion about her possibly being embarassed about the leopard and kitty pjs and whatnot...

this morning, Taylor comes into my room and says, "I don't know what pajamas to wear mom. I saw you brought the pajamas from Nana's house here, but i'm afraid if i wear them, people will make fun of me."

"why would they do that?" i asked.

"I don't know," she said, shrugging her shoulders....

so ol' mother hen in me starts getting worked up inside, remembering when IIIII was made fun of, and the mean things kids used to say and do to me when i was younger...

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU Ashley!!!" i told myself....

"yeah, but i know how it feels to be made fun of.... i know how it feels like it's the end of the world, even though it's not." i said back to myself.

"yeah, but how are you going to explain that to taylor?"

"i don't know yet!"

yeah, i sat there, conversing with myself for about 12 seconds and then finally said something like, "who CARES what other people think?"

really? that's the best you could come up with?

SHE does!! obviously....

so then i said, "honey, i know that it FEELS like SUCH a big deal when someone makes fun of you, but if you've never trusted me before, trust me now.... when you get older, it doesn't matter what someone in your 3rd grade class said about your pajamas on pajama day...."

seriously ashley? c'mon you can do better than that.... she doesn't care about 15 years from now.... she cares about NOW!!!!

oh hell.... i'm sitting at the edge of my bed, starting a sentence and then stopping myself.... she's standing there in her oversized T-shirt with condos and a construction name in big, bold letters on it.... the sleeves fall to about her elbows....

"Taylor.... what do you..."

"i know it's...."

"why don't you..."

"what do you think they'll say to you?" I ask....

"i don't know," she answered.

so i sit here, trying to play it out in my head.... play out the scenarios that could possibly take place at school. would they make fun of her for the colors? the patterns? the size? i don't know....

i wanted to give her a comeback.

i wanted to give her something she could say, and i wanted her to feel confident with her comeback....

so i started to think of things she could possibly tell people if they said anything about her pajamas....

"do you like your pajamas?"

she said, "yeaahhh."

i said, "do you really like your pajamas or are you just saying that?"

"no, i really do like them."

okay, then if anyone says anything about your pajamas you can say, "look. everyone has different taste.... and then look them up and down, and say, 'i may not like YOUR outfit, but i'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.' ".... we both laughed....

or you can ask them, "should i be extremely flattered that you care about me and my pajamas enough to spend time in your day talking about them?"

she laughed, "i really like that one mom."

we fired things off back and forth to each other, laughing about them.

she stopped and said, "you used to get made fun of a lot, huh mom?"

i said, "YEP! but i'm pretty cool now don't you think?"

she said, "yeaaaaahhhh suuuure you are mom!"

oh MAN did we ever laugh....

i said, "just don't ask dad if i'm cool or not...." she got a kick out of that, because they always joke about what a big geek i am.... they are joking, right?

anyway.... she gets dressed.... we picked out a pink tanktop to wear under the pajamas and some tan boots to wear to match the tan soft leopard print on her pjs.... she was confident. she was smiling and wearing her leopard pj's and she. was. confident.

she could wear ANYTHING and look good with that level of confidence....

and off we headed, to school....

we pull up and she hesitates to get out of the truck.

"i'm kind of embarassed about my pajamas mom," she says with hesistation, again....

"everyone has different taste.... and that's okay.... 'i may not like YOOOOUR outfit, but i'm not trying to make you feel bad about it.' " i repeated to her again....

she leans over and kisses me, hops out of the truck, swings her backpack over her shoulder and says, "thanks mom."

and off she goes....

in her leopard pj's....

with all of that confidence all over again....

if there are any lessons in life that i can teach her, i want her to know that it's okay to like different things.... not to intentionally hurt people's feelings.... how to stand up for herself.... and to stand up and be different.... those are the most successful people... the ones who don't just go along with the world....

i love my girl....

i hope she takes in my lessons as much as i hope she does....

when making a decision to have a child at 18 years old, you think about, "how am i going to pay for diapers and formula...."

you don't really think about, "what happens when they are in 3rd grade, worried about being made fun of for their pajamas on pajama day...."

i didn't have the answers to all of the questions i had.... heck, i still don't.... but i know that your best defense (and kindness) comes from your mouth (and actions).... and occasionally a swift kick in the shin, however, i hope she learns to use her words and brain together, a little better and quicker than i did....

love. that. girl.

it's not even 8 o clock....

well it wasn't when i looked at the clock and thought of all that had gone on so far this morning....

let's see. i went to bed after 1 am.

was woken up at 415 to the alarm for jason.

shut it off.

without waking him up.

but that's okay.

he's learned that i do this when i'm really tired....

so he had his phone set too.

so both phones were going off at 4 am....

lovely.

somehow i managed to be wide awake and then wide asleep in about 10 minutes....

i went back to sleep and was gently reminded that i have a 9 month old son who doesn't like to sleep very much (although he's been doing pretty well lately).... he didn't wake up nicely this morning.

he woke up SCREAMING!

just like he went to bed..... SCREAMING!!!!

but this isn't anything out of the norm, so if something is really wrong with him, it's likely i won't know the difference.... i do a visual inspection.

everything looks fine.

mental note: he hadn't pooped yesterday. (probably the problem)....

anyway....

today.

today is wednesday.

this entire week is teacher appreciation week.

entire week....

monday was flower day.

tuesday was bring some kind of snack or goodie (would have been bring a school supply for the teacher, BUT, she is retiring so it was snack day)....

wednesday, today, is handmade card/poem day. (i reminded taylor of this last night, and did not follow up to see if she had done this or not.... is that my fault? oops. i give the girl a lot of responsibility)

tomorrow, they are presenting her with some plant and they are putting a bunch of gift cards all over it.... gift cards are due today....

wellllll, i didn't have a gift card, so we had to leave early to stop at starbucks and get a gift card....

so i go out to the truck to load Lewie, (who is still crying by the way), taylor's crying that she didn't make her lunch. she forgot about it. so i'm throwing (literally THROWING) her lunch together....

she's crying.... lewie's screaming....

go BACK out to the truck. load lewie. (yep! still screaming..... not crying.... SCREAMING!)

taylor gets in the truck and says, "OH NOOOOO!" and starts crying too...

she apparently forgot her jacket.

"you'll be fine," i tell her....

and then i realize that the 7000 lb tv that took my mom and stepdad to load ONTO my truck yesterday is STILL in the back of my truck. i was NOT about to drive 3 and a half miles an hour to make sure it didn't tip. i already did that coming home from my mom's yesterday.... and a 4.2 mile drive that should have taken 4.2. minutes was more like 24 minutes (or 15, but it felt much longer than 15 minutes).....

crap!!! i GOTTA get that stupid TV out of the back of the truck....

how in the HELL am i going to move that thing by myself?

"whatever, I CAN DO THIS!!!" i say to myself.... kinda like pumping myself up as if i'm about to enter a boxing ring.... i MAY have even bounced back and forth like i was about to fight.... but i'm pretty sure i didn't.....

so i loosen the strap to remove the tv and slide the freaking HUGE tv across the bed of my truck.... and try to figure out how the HELL i'm going to lift this thing...

i reposition the tv a few times and do a test-lift.... you know, the ones like, "lemme see how heavy this is."

yeah.... that freakin beast was heavy!!!! i seriously thought about just sliding it back and strapping it back in, but then that would mean i would have to drive 3 miles per hour, and we were in a hurry....

wasn't happening.... then i thought about just dropping it in the driveway.

yes, DROPPING it.

not caring if it broke or not....

but we've come too far with that tv to just drop it.... and it was only 7 am at this point. i'm pretty sure someone would have called 911 if they heard this thing drop...

whatever, i slid the tv down my pants and onto my toe. yes ONTO my toe.

no, not on purpose.

i YELLED a curse word. (or 7)

and then moved the left side of the tv and then the right..

the left side

and then the right....

i'm pretty sure i severed half of the cord while moving it...

lewie's still screaming.

taylor's sniffling.

i'm sniffling.

not even gonna lie.

my toe, and legs hurt from that TV!!!

and then i get in the car,

INSTANT headache! bleh!

it's gotta be his poop, or lack thereof, that's causing this mess!!!

i go to the closest starbucks for the gift card, and really don't have time to order the drink, so i just get the g.c. and head to drop taylor off ....

she gets out of the car and i realize that her hair is TOTALLY sticking up in the back.

HOW DID I MISS THIS?!

i roll down the window to tell her, but decide against it.

why make her self conscious....

"have a good day babe," i yell out the window....

"thanks mama, you too," she says back to me... and i watch her (and her hair) bounce away...

and seriously....

instantly burst into tears.

for whatever reason (and no i'm not pms-ing)....

i WAS going to go to starbucks, but lewie was still screaming.... and now i was crying.

and starbucks was just not going to happen....

so i went home....

and grabbed a diaper because if he hadn't already pooped,

he was definitely trying....

and i could smell it.

ugh.

there's something about the smell of kid's poop, once they start eating table foods....

it smells like adult poop.... on a table or something.

kinda just jumps up and hits you in the face, you know?

ugh.

soooo then, i go to change his diaper....

open his diaper up and it was like a snake was trying to escape his body.... only it came out in the form of poop.... and onto the floor, AND he peed up on me too.

on my jeans.

on my chin.

on my shirt....

yes. poop and pee.... everywhere.

lovely.

i looked at the clock....

it's not even freakin 8 o clock (am)!!!!!

MONSTERS!!!!!!

i totally wouldn't watch this before bed.... these things will EAT YOU ALIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

(just per your request Ms. Anthropy!!)

one of those topics.... those touchy topics....

i tossed the idea around about this blog, and after reading a WONDERFUL woman's blog that I follow, i decided i was going to do it....

I've got to tell you....

last night.... was just eye opening....

The night before last i had a boatload of chocolate before i went to bed, and had nightmares.

i did everything in my power to not have nightmares last night, so i drank a bunch of water, and had NO chocolate. none.

well, i had nightmares.

horrible HORRIBLE nightmares.

i woke up at 337 am this morning in tears.

i was scared out of my mind.

you're totally going to laugh at me, but i sleep with a nightlight in our master bathroom.

i do that so i can somewhat see, and for when i wake up at night to go to the bathroom, i don't want to run into the edge of the dresser going into the bathroom (i've totally done it before)....

don't forget, i'm legally blind, so without my glasses and contacts on at night, i see things.... jason's clump of 6 white hanging shirts in the closet, looks like a floating ghost.

the light from the living room window, shines onto the floor in the master bedroom and i swear it moves, which makes me think that something is crawling across the floor.... but it's just my legally blind self and my warped brain creating images out of stuff, HOWEVER, i do sleep with my glasses on the edge of the bed (the ledge) and i can reach over and put them on quickly if ever i think i see something.... i put the glasses on to see what it is NOT.... and then i feel better, take them off and go back to bed. i know that sounds entirely pathetic, and you all probably think i'm a freakin paranoid schizophrenic.... i'm not.... most of the time.... until something like last night happens....

i had the most AWFUL dream about my daughter, Taylor..... I HATE to even THINK about something like this because it just turns my stomach.... i am SOOOOO deathly paranoid of anyone kidnapping her, or doing anything inappropriate to her.... i've had dreams like this before, and i wake up, literally, crying. jason has woken me up sometimes because i'll be crying in my sleep.... well this morning, i woke up. i turned on the bathroom light (in our bedroom), then walked into the hall and turned that light on.... then i walked into the living room and turned that light on.... i fixed the curtains so that no one could see in and turned on all the outside lights we have.... i went straight for taylor's room, and turned on the light outside her room.... i adjusted her curtains so that no one could see in and then just sat at the edge of her bed....

i ran my fingers through her short hair, and my eyes, again, filled up with tears.... she was sleeping so peacefully.... she wasn't how i'd seen her in my nightmare.... she was sleeping like a sweet angel... a peaceful angel.... and i just wept at her bedside. and i KNOW that sounds sooooo absolutely pathetic, but it was truly a wake up call....

i've been complaining so much about how my kids drive me UP the freakin wall (well, lewie moreso than Taylor, but still).... I just kissed her head and gave thanks that she was alive and well.... i checked on Lewie, and he was fine, and i went back to our bedroom, leaving all of the outside lights on and our bathroom light on....

then i couldn't sleep.

i tapped jason, (who was totally snoring) and seriously asked him if he would just hold me....

he asked me what was wrong and i'd told him i was having nightmares again and he rolled over and just snuggled me into a comfort i just absolutely needed at that moment.... i felt safe.... but my mind wouldn't shut off there....

i started thinking about what parents teach their children about strangers. i'm so friendly to everyone i meet. i can strike up a conversation with anyone and taylor sees this. she is the same way. and as much as i love it, it scares me.... i don't want her to be so friendly with the wrong person that something ends up happening to her.... i don't want her to just trust anyone and everyone, but i don't want to make her paranoid either....

what is the right age to start talking to your children about who to talk to and who not to? who is allowed to touch you (NO ONE!) and who isn't.... i remember starting this conversation with her when she was about 2 years old.... and i've ALWAYS ALWAYS reminded her.... with age comes different ways to reiterate the same message.... and i think it's terribly important that, we, as parents do this! It's uncomfortable, i get it.... it's difficult and we don't know if we're doing it "right" and so we might just put it off... DON'T!!!!

i've covered almost as many aspects and different scenarios as i can possibly cover with taylor.... you hear of all different stories on the news and read about them on the internet.... "man lures child with a puppy" or crazy stuff like that!!! stuff you wouldn't even think about, because you, yourself aren't capable of commiting such a horrific crime!!! but these people, these SICKENING beings exist!!!!

we used to live right across the street from taylor's school. literally it took about 3 minutes to get there, walking, it was that close. so many of her friends walked to school. but i wouldn't let her.... i'm sorry. call me overprotective.... those who know me in real life, know that taylor's not entirely overprotected, BUT i am not one to gamble.... especially with my daughter's well being... there is NO way i was going to take the chance.... i get it.... kids used to be able to do so much more on their own. go to the park, ride bikes to the store, walk to school, walk to a friend's house.... maybe there are more predators today than before? maybe there are the same amount, but we just know about it more via the news and internet and all that stuff?? i don't know. i don't know what it is.... i know that i cannot protect taylor for the rest of her life, but at 7 years of age, i am not willing to hand over the responsibility of her own life's safety and well being.... sure, she can get up and pick out her clothes and get her breakfast and pack her lunch, but that's entirely different than saying, "okay go walk to school and if anyone tries to kidnap you, defend yourself."

this is probably one of those controversial topics, like politics or abortion, and i'm sure there will be many people with many different views.... i'm open to hearing them all, i really am.... like Stacey says in her blog entry "cheerleader," it takes a village.... but we, as their parents, are the ones who ultimately end up making the decision in the end....

DON'T TAKE THE COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh look mom, the easter bunny came.

and brought me some cookies!!
now, if only i could open these cookies....
mmmm, they look soooo good....
they ARE good..... give it to me dad....
i can do it myself....
LET ME PUT THE WHOLE COOKIE IN THERE!!!!
don't take the....
DON'T TAKE THE COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

doesn't it look like he has rotten teeth? ohhh man, this picture cracks me up!!!! i wish it had volume to go with it!!! =) Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!!!

big girls don't cry.

i had to share this with you guys.....

hopefully it will make you laugh (or smile) as much as it cracked me up.

this is my daughter....

and this is what i get for teaching her how to use photobooth on our computer a while back.

=)

make sure your volume is turned up enough to hear it and then press play. =)

you wanna eat my shoes? have at it!

yes.

it's one of those days.

lewie was up FOUR times last night....

count that...

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

FOUR!

he's almost 8 months old and there is absolutely NO reason he shouldn't be sleeping through the night.

now i KNOW that there are mommies who are going to not agree with me and say that all babies are different and blah blah blah.

and there will be other people who tell me it's my fault (and i'll actually AGREE with you guys)....

you see, we moved into this house.... where we get this brilliant idea to put the kids in a room together....

the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms are right next to each other and well, away from the master bedroom.

i couldn't choose who was going to have the bedroom that was "closer" to ours.... and plus, off the 3rd bedroom, there is a sliding door to another patio, and that scares me.... because what if a burglar broke in through there or exited through there and took one of my babies with them? i would feel so incredibly guilty that i picked that child to be in that room.... AND the 3rd bedroom is hardwood flooring like the rest of the house (with the exception of the 2nd bedroom and the master bedroom which have carpet)

i thought it was only fair to put both kids in the 2nd bedroom (with carpet) and put all of their toys in the 3rd bedroom so it would be like a guest bedroom/playroom. and that way i wouldn't have to decide and they'd both be "closer" and the whole world would just be happy and merry (or at least i would be)

anyway.... lewie was doing GREAT sleeping through the night before we moved. well, he'd grunt and stuff, (and that would wake me up) but he wouldn't WAKE UP and SCREEEEAAAAAMMM like he does here....

i wonder if there are ghosts here. i mean i DO hear creepy noises alll day (and night) long.... maybe that's why he screams....

ugh! i HATE it!

so he and taylor are sleeping in the same room.... so when he wakes up screaming, of COURSE i go running in there and sweep him out of there (after many failed attempts of trying to just give him his binky and get him to go back to sleep)

yes, we are those parents that you just grind your own teeth over.... the ones that jump to their child's needs... and i HATE IT! i would put ear plugs in my ears and just let him cry it out until he learned that he needed to just sleep through the night, but my guilt will NOT allow me to do so until we have a baby monitor for him at least.... AND because i don't want taylor to wake up from him screaming (which usually she doesn't wake up if he's just crying, but when he starts his full throat and lung screams, she does wake up) and i feel horribly guilty.

and i hope it's not affecting her school, which so far, i don't think it is, but we'll see....

so i am thinking of purchasing another one of those large area rugs and putting it in the 3rd bedroom and setting up lewie's crib (and baby monitor) in there and letting him just cry it out again. we did the whole, bring taylor into our room and let lewie cry it out for a night or 2, and he did great, but then went back to crying again.... i don't know what to do.

i get sooo fed up in the middle of the night, i feel like i'm having an out of body AND mind experience. like i'm not even ME.... it's the strangest and crappiest feeling ever....

i know i can't be alone with this, but all the perfect mommies out there aren't going to admit to this, i'm sure....

i finally just broke out into tears on the couch last night at 1233 while holding lewie.... i just cried sooo hard and called for jason to please come out and help me.... to just take him! and i crawled back into bed, crying.... but barely remember that.... i fell asleep on a wet pillow and woke up a few short hours later to him screaming again....

ugh. these bad (nights and) days just do me over....

so needless to say, i'm in the WORST mood today.

i don't have that "awww let me cuddle you" feeling....

i have the feelings like, "go ahead and crawl around.... bang on the remote.... oh, and you wanna eat my shoes? go ahead.... have at it!!!"

can you hold on just a sec? i think Child protective services just knocked at my door....

"i claim...."

if you are sick of picking up EVERYONE'S stuff in your house, then this will apply to you too....

1 spaghetti sauce sized jar for each member of the family.... (excluding babies, since they can't pick up after themselves)....

so i got three empty, clean spaghetti sauce jars.... let each family member decorate them however they'd like, or you decorate it for them....

purchase some poker chips or dimes or whatever you want to use. heck, you can even use quarters if you want!

each person gets 10 pieces of whatever it is in their jar.

the first 10 are free....

put the jars somewhere visible.

ours will be going on our mantle.

if i find an item of taylor's (i.e. a piece of clothing, a piece of paper, her plate after dinner, her rubberbands or headbands, ANYTHING of hers) lying around. i pick it up and say "i claim" and i get to take one of her pokerchips, or dimes or whatever it is in there, i take one out of her jar and put it into mine....

i set her article back down, and if she doesn't put it away immediately, then daddy gets to come along and pick it up and say "i claim" too.... and he TOO gets to take one out of her jar and put it into his....

i haven't yet decided the rewards for whoever has the most "money" or pokerchips or whatever yet.... i think it'll be at the week's end, whoever has the most, gets to keep the money.... if taylor runs out of "money" then she has to do 10 minutes of work to earn 1 pokerchip or dime back. okay maybe 5 minutes. if dad runs out of "money" then he has to buy them back.... and whoever has the most money at the time he must purchase, gets the money.... i'm thinking 1 dollar will buy him 10 dimes, or whatever... you get the point?

i wish i had the stupid thing to connect to my computer so that i could upload the pictures onto my computer from my camera. doh! the pictures of our jars sitting up on our mantle.... well it's cute. the look on their faces when i told them what the decorated jars were for.... HAHAHAH! even better. ever since we moved, i haven't found it, (the camera card reader thing) or some framed pictures, or a gift certificate that i'd received for Christmas (which was for VS).... so unless jason wants to cough up what he hid (or likely threw away), i will wear grandma panties (ones that go halfway up my stomach).... this should bribe him into either 1. "finding" the box of mysterious disappeared belongings or 2. taking me shopping for new underpants, after all he agreed that i should not wear the same underwear i wore while pregnant, AFTER lewie was born, because that's just not sexy. (or it could just mean that i stayed the same size the entire time.... but the pictures kind of prove otherwise. see below.)

this was on my birthday.

i still had 7 weeks to go before i was due. of course i only made it 3 more weeks.... and the wonderful surgery was performed to free my insides from being smashed into each other, and quite possibly becoming MUSH.... yes, i didn't think i could stretch that much, but it's possible (and is likely the reason my belly button is still half hanging out) did that make you gag? cuz i'm not gonna lie, i kinda did (and it's MY belly button; how do you think i feel?)

anyway, i TOTALLY got way off from the original topic.... "i claim".... new game in our household to help relieve me of being this house's SLAVE!!!!

to all my fellow women (well the one's who feel like slaves in their own home).... i suggest you start this game at your house too.... decorate jars.... don't tell them what it's for.... let them decorate it all up and then give them 10 dimes, and THEN spill the beans.... ;)

i guess this picture will have to do... it's a horrible "mobile" picture (from my cell phone.... bad lighting, but that's our mantle and the 3 jars (and that super cool picture above our fireplace? yeah, that's my studly husband shaping surfboards.... how lucky am i? he's such a stud)....

i'm certain our house will be a LOT cleaner these days.... or it'll backfire horribly.... i'll keep you posted....

drama bugs.

so last week, taylor comes home on wednesday and says, "mom. i want to join the drama bugs."

(note: "drama bugs" is an afterschool program similar to that of "drama club" in high school, only the kids are a lot smaller and this program costs a lot of money.)

i had just received an email earlier that day so I knew what the drama bugs were, and i knew that the next "session" was accepting new students into it and that the money was due by friday (which gave me 2 days to come up with that "extra" money).... i knew that they practiced for 10 weeks and that in May they would perform 2 shows for their family and friends. i knew that much.

so when she tells me this, i asked "what's drama bugs?"

she shrugs her shoulders.

me: "well then why do you want to join if you have no idea what it is?"

taylor: "well, i know that the drama bugs performed the polar express and it was AAAAAA-mazing mom!!! you should have seen it, and.... well.... i just want to do that too."

i (being the crazy obsessive, talk-you-out-of-anything-before-you-even-do-it, kind of person that apparently i am) say "the drama bugs is an acting class that meets for 10 weeks on either mondays or tuesdays for an hour and a half. after the ten weeks is up you will put on a show that your friends and family can come watch. it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun, but it's also a lot of money, so if you are going to join this, then you have to finish it. that means all 10 classes. you can't just go to the first class, decide you don't want to do it and then quit. if you don't like it, then you'll finish your 10 classes and after that we won't sign you up for the next time, and you'll have learned something that you don't like, and maybe in a few years you can give it another shot, but you aren't going to just go to one class and then quit. it costs too much for that, and besides you've got to learn what commitment is all about."

okay, so at the time i thought i was making a good point and teaching a good lesson....

and then i went and saw my therapist.

HOLY COW! when i look back on our conversation now, i'm amazed she didn't just start crying and throw up and tell me she never wants to do anything ever!!!! poor taylor!!!!! i am BRUTALLY HARD ON HER!!!! she's SEVEN YEARS OLD!!!! i need to let her be a kid.... let her try something, and have the confidence going in to it.... and IF she decided that she didn't like it after 1 or 2 weeks, THEN i could have talked to her at THAT time and told her that the class cost a lot of money and that she'd better march her behind RIGHT back into that class and work her butt off or i'd never ever pay for her to join another group ever again in her entire life.... okay, so i'm totally kidding. (calm down, mom). no, then at THAT time i could have told her that i would really like her to finish the class. it would mean a lot to me, (and to her eventually) if she'd finish the class that i paid all of my last pennies for (okay, totally kidding again).... i'm not entirely sure what i'd say, but i'd say something that was really comforting and sympathetic to a 7 yr old, because that's what i'm working on....

so although i don't know what i'd say, just know that it would be something nice.... er, nicer than how i've been before. i'm not MEAN, i'm just not the most sympathetic person ever.

and well, i guess that having a child when you are 19, you are still learning as you go. heck being a mom at 26 for the second time, i am STILL learning as i go....

anyway....

needless to say, taylor went to drama bugs.

she brought home a script.

next week she's bringing home a cd (with all the music on it), and so far so good.

she loved it.

i hope she keeps it up.

this could be good....

"mom, i don't think i have sad emotions."

that's what she said to me this afternoon....

i'm sitting here watching her paint.

so far she's painted a very colorful rainbow picture (inspired by van gogh, she told me), 3 hearts, one inside the other, a starbucks drink (for me), and Batman (my parent's cat who is now in kitty heaven)....

she is painting the picture of batman, and she keeps looking at a picture of him up on the mantle. she doesn't know i'm watching her, but i am observing.

she says to herself: "that's my batty boy," as she's looking up at the picture....

my computer is to her right and i'm facing her, so if i lifted my eyes just over the top of my computer screen, i can see her face.

she says "mom. i don't think i have that emotion."

i look up over my computer screen.

me: "what emotion?"

taylor: "the sad ones."

me: "why do you think you don't have sad emotions?"

taylor: "because.... i don't cry when i'm sad. nana and poppa cried when batty died. I didn't. when pappy passed away, i didn't cry. you did... a lot. i just don't cry when i'm sad."

me: "i know a time you cried when you were sad. when your dad came back from Iraq."

taylor: "yeah but those were tears of joy."

me: "i know another time you cried.... when Matt Girard went home on American Idol."

taylor: "yeah but that doesn't really count for much, because i don't really cry a lot. you can't prove anything."

what? what does that even mean? lol.

i wonder if i've somehow scared her into not crying.

the way i often remember my father scaring me into not crying over stuff....

i remember him telling me he was going to spank me when i was crying because i opened a collector's tin of crayons. i proceeded to cry, but with my face hanging and wiping the tears before they could run down my cheeks.

i don't hit taylor.

i don't need to.

have i threatened to hit her?

i have, but i think she knew i was full of it.

because i really couldn't tell you the last time i spanked her butt.

i think preschool.... one morning when she wasn't doing what i asked her to, and that was the one and only time she told me that she didn't love me.

broke my heart....

anyway, i totally got off track, just like i always do, and the whole point was me wondering why my 7 year old daughter thinks that she doesn't have "sad emotions."

that makes me sad.

maybe she doesn't have sad emotions because i have enough of them for her.

or because i've brought things into her life and then taken them out (for the better, of course, but still damaging none-the-less....)

and to be entirely honest, she doesn't get a whole lot of sympathy from me.

which brings me to another issue about myself and why i am able to comfort complete strangers much better than I am able to with my own daughter.

i think i have such high expectations for her.

i think she's a lot stronger than maybe she really is?

i don't know.

i guess that'll be for me and my therapist to discuss.

anyway....

i just thought i'd share (yet another moment of my weak parenting moments)....

i am determined to make this better....

even if it takes all of my money going to both her cuss bucket and my therapy.

cuss bucket.

okay, so i'm a bad mom.

i'm guilty and.... well.... a bad mom.

sometimes i use words, I very well shouldn't, and sometimes i do it around Taylor without even realizing it....

that makes me a horrible mom.

i know.

shame me later. (just not now)

jason, on the other hand, is VERY good about not using such words around the kids.

and then last night, he said something while we were driving home.

i said, "JASON!"

Taylor says, "Mom! YOU say bad words!"

I proceeded to argue that I do not!

she says, "YES YOU DO!!!!"

(then i feel like crud).

she says, "you should put a quarter in my piggy bank everytime you say a bad word."

i didn't say a word.

she then turns to jason and says, "dad, that'd be so cool. i'd have a car before i could even drive."

buuuuuuuurnnnnn!!!!!

the "poker chip" game.

Please tell me I'm not alone when I repeat myself about 15 times to do the same thing.... "Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Taylor, brush your teeth. Have you brushed your teeth yet?" Ahhhhh!!!! I find myself losing patience (and hair) nearly every single day.... I don't know if my voice is so annoying that she just doesn't listen, or if she just doesn't care what I ask her or TELL her to do, or if her ignoring me is the only way she feels she is "voicing" her control.... Whatever it is drives me nuts!!!!

Anyway, this started a while back, almost a year before Taylor started Kindergarten. She attended Kindercare. It was her preschool. It was a vicious cycle. (Or so it FELT vicious to me). I'd lose my patience nearly everyday. I'd yell at her to GET READY!!!! And she'd get upset and I'd get upset and it just felt horrible for both of us.... So I sought help. Needed to find a way to get over this daily battle before it escalated. During one of these mornings was the one time she told me "I DON'T love you mommy!!" Ohhhh, it broke my heart and I thought I was going to die... Seriously! I cried about that alll day! She was soo little and had suuuch a sweet caring heart that I didn't think she would EVER say such a thing, or even more than that, ever have such a feeling inside her like that. I KNEW that all of these chaotic mornings were making her feel just as horrible as they were making me feel....

Soooo, off for help I went. Mind you, she never got spanked, although, I felt like I wanted to spank her butt. However, I think the loud raised voices were probably more scary and painful than a swat on the butt.... Anyway. I got this brilliant suggestion from this woman. She suggests that we get a jar and some poker chips.... We pick 3 things that Taylor is having the hardest time with for one week (or 2) and make a list. 1. Getting out of bed. 2. Getting dressed. 3. Brushing her teeth. The list went something like that. Now, if I told her once to do something, she would get 3 poker chips if she did it the first time. If I had to tell her twice, she'd get 2 and if I had to tell her more than twice, she wouldn't get any. BUT if she took the initiative and did it BEFORE I asked her to, she'd get 4!!

We used a glass vase, so that she could seeeee how many poker chips she was EARNING! What we did to go along with this, was made a chart. (A "reward" chart).... This consisted of the things she really enjoys....

Me reading her a story at any given time.... Cost.... 4 poker chips. Chuck E Cheese visit, 50 poker chips.... At this time, Taylor REAALLLLY wanted Heelys.... She hadn't tried them out, but she insisted that this was what she wanted.... Mind you, these things were expensive at that time! They were about 80 bucks! So Heelys carried a hefty pricetag of 100 poker chips. Taylor worked hard and very much took the initiative for many things, as she wanted these heelys! She counted her poker chips, daily, and multiple times in a day.... I would tell her, "Honey, you counted them earlier remember?" She'd say, "I just wanna make sure they're all there." She'd get closer and closer and even if she had 25 poker chips, she was SOOO excited that she was "almost" at 100 and "almost" gonna get her heelys.... So 100 poker chips came and she got her expensive heelys!!! She didn't get much use out of them (probably mostly my fault.... I'm still learning too you know.... But it was a great system.... The reward chart can include many different ideas and rewards. A visit to a fast food place. (Ick). A visit to the library. Disneyland. Bowling. Zoo. A picnic. Anything. =) you guys design the reward chart and hang it somewhere for them to stay motivated.... Taylor has done pretty well for the most part with an occasional slip up here and there.... Now I am sure there are going to be many people who will say, "ashley! She's only 7 yrs old!" Yes, that's right. She is 7 years old and in 2nd grade. I do expect her to get up with her alarm clock (because that's how she prefers to wake up). I do expect her to eat breakfast, make her lunch, dress herself (we usually decide the outfit the night before), brush her teeth, I'll do her hair, but expect that her lunch is made and in her backpack. I made a checklist for her for the mornings, so that she wouldn't forget anything. If fridays were library days, then on her checklist for thursday night, it included "put library book in backpack." I look at it like this.... Your kids are going to blame some sort of unhappiness on you. And that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'd rather have my kids sitting in therapy, complaining about me, but being independent and complaining about me rather than having a HUGE wake up call when I continue to do everything for them and then all of a sudden they wake up and realize what it's like to be independent.... When they have to realize what the cost of living is, or how long it actually takes to get ready. Do you see my point? Sure, I can wake Taylor up and HAVE her ready in 15 minutes, if I changed her clothes for her, made her lunch, fed her breakfast. Oh yes, we've broken records before. But she is LEARNING much more this way.... She is LEARNING to make it without me, and as much as I'll probably hate that one day, ultimately that is a parent's goal, right? You want happy, healthy, independent children who handle business!!!! At least that's what I want....

So to my lovely daughter Taylor, although you may complain about me in a few years and say how I've never done anything for you, you'll appreciate it one day when I'm not here.... I work very hard to not have you NEED people and their help.... I want you to grow up knowing how to do everything on your own.... So that when you do have a partner whose company you truly enjoy, you will be with them because you CHOOSE to be with them, not because you NEED them.... So here's to feeding yourself breakfast, making your own lunch, setting your alarm clock and waking up on time.... I love you and am EVER so PROUD of how wonderful you are.... Though I don't always say it, because you don't need to hear it all the time (and grow up NEEDING to be told how wonderful you are all the time), just know that I do think you're wonderful. I've always thought you were wonderful, and in my heart, you will ALWAYS BE wonderful.... =)

a selfish man's soul.

7 yrs.

4 months.

3 weeks.

and 2 days old.

there's so much resentment built up.

and damages no one, but me.

the resentments are so far repressed,

that most of the time, i barely even know they exist.

but they do.

and every now and again, i know, very much so, that they exist....

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

to go to the gym.

to do homework.

to go on a date.

to go to a party.

to drink.

to dance.

to vacation.

to be everywhere else, but here.

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

you've lived south of us.

they've all lived north of us.

we were right in between.

but the phone calls never came,

when you'd pass our house.

you'd just continue driving north,

in one of your many new cars....

what a selfish man's soul does not know,

is the pricetag on a child's life....

the cost to raise a child.

the food they eat.

the doctor's appointments.

the childcare.

the clothes.

the fundraisers.

the games.

the hobbies.

the cost of a home in an area worth living in,

where you don't fear your child's safety,

and you know they are receiving a wonderful education.

what a selfish man's soul does not hear,

are the whimpers of her cries....

"i'm hungry."

"i don't feel well."

"i want. i want. i want."

"i don't wanna take a bath."

"i don't wanna go to bed."

"i don't wanna eat that."

"i don't wanna go to the dentist."

"where's my other shoe?"

"where's my homework?"

"what should i wear?"

"what should i eat for breakfast?"

"how do you spell....?"

"look!"

"look it!"

"mom! look!"

"mom!"

"mom!"

what he can't smell,

is her freshly brushed breath,

blowing in your face to ensure she's brushed well enough.

he can't smell,

her freshly washed hair

that smothers your face when she hugs you goodnight.

a selfish man's soul cannot smell

the dirt on her hands when she's fallen in the sand from jumping off the monkey bars,

or swings.

you can't smell the freshly baked brownies,

she excitedly awaits to finish baking....

she mixed them herself, you know.

what a selfish man's soul doesn't feel

are her arms around his neck.

or her lips pressed to your cheek.

you cannot FEEEEL her love from a distance.

you cannot FEEEEL her pain.

you cannot FEEEEL her heart's desires.

her wants.

her yearns.

you can't FEEEEL any of that.

a selfish man's soul cannot see

the growth in her height.

her crooked smile.

her face light up when she figures something out.....

her gappy smile, when she loses another tooth.

you cannot see the letters she writes to the toothfairy or to Santa Claus.

you cannot read the books she writes.

(unless of course I order extra copies for you)....

you cannot see the work she does at school, unless i show it to you.

you do not donate money for her to win a prize,

as she jumpropes to help children with sick hearts.....

you cannot see her glue foam hearts together and lay them all out for every member in her family....

you cannot see the distance that she feels.

she needs not my words to figure it out.

i leave them out.

she is above and beyond any level of intelligence you could ever imagine.

but a selfish man's soul....

would never know,

the goodness of her good soul....

behind the scenes.

so yesterday started off.... let's just say.... not on the right foot.

i guess it kind of carried over from sunday night. lewie was not at all interested in slumber.... we watched the grammys to pass the time.... lewie seemed to be enjoying the grammys. he must have been, because he did NOT want to go to sleep. there comes that breaking point for a parent, when the child, is fed, burped, changed, tired, fussing and you just can't rock them or cuddle them while they proceed to try to climb up your stomach (which by the way, just to happens to nicely remind you that you haven't been to the gym in quite some time).... nothing like a nice little friendly reminder that you are still carrying around the baby weight. thanks lew!

all the rocking, and kissing and singing and patting the back.... he was going for none of it.... bummer. because there were a few points during the whole rocking and patting that my eyes would roll back into my head and were practically BEGGING me to stay there.... "please ashley, close us and let us stay closed for like 8 hours." (well yeah, not so much. it's more like 4 hours, but whatever. who's counting?)

lewie really wasn't being entirely bratty. he dozed off for a little bit and woke up all bright eyed and ready to rock. he was laughing, when i'd tell him that he needed to be sleeping. that would make lewie laugh (hysterically).... once lewie was laughing, jason started cracking up. then lewie would laugh harder. jason laughed harder. i was trying to be mad, but then i'd start laughing too, and then lewie would laugh and jason would laugh, and i just couldn't be mad. even though i wanted to be mad at both of them for being brats while i was soooo tired, i couldn't be.... ugh.... but i wanted to be....

anyway.... like i was saying, there comes that breaking point where it's "to the crib you go, bud!" i feared taylor would wake up, but i feared losing my sanity more, so he went to bed.... and fussed a little bit, but after a few "plug-the-binky-back-in-his-face" episodes, he was asleep. THANKFULLY! so jason and i get into bed around MIDNIGHT! mind you, that's about 4 hours later than we normally do.... so i'm burnt.... beyond burnt....

so just a few short hours of sleep, alarm goes off. time for jason to go to work. time for me to try to get some sleep, but once the alarm goes off, i'm awake on and off all morning.... can't really get any decent sleep. i'm worried taylor will oversleep, or lewie's going to wake up at any time.... so eventually i'm awake for good, but DREAD the thought of getting out of bed.... it's monday morning.... i need to go back to my dr first thing this morning, but totally forgot to make an appt on friday (my last visit). how did i forget?! ugh whatever, that was enough to jolt me out of bed and into the tub, to bathe of course since i still can't shower yet.... by the way, i am not a fan of baths.... in fact, i really don't like them much at all..... i can't wait until i can shower again! so bath for me.... while taylor is lagging to get ready, which by the way, i take full blame for, being that i get ready pretty slow too (when i'm not rushing out the door for something that i'm running late for).... the girl has no concept for, nor does she even CARE to UNDERSTAND the concept of, time.... she doesn't care if she's late. it means nothing to her.... how did i allow this to happen? it's all my fault, i know, but there aren't ever any repercussions (sp?) .... why would she care?

i'm so upset and flustered at this point once i realize the clock says 737 am, and her school starts at 745, which by the way takes about 10 minutes to get there... there was NO way she was going to make it on time.... i was SO upset.... and there she was, NOT getting ready, but messing around in the bathroom.... folding things, and wiping things and just taking her dear sweet time. bless her heart, she wanted to help, but DON'T HELP WHEN I TELL YOU TO GET READY TO WALK OUT THE DOOR!!!! folding and wiping doesn't get you out the door.... well, it might, but it'll get you out the door LATE!

so i feel like i'm reaching another breaking point.... HOW can i get her to understand that she MUST be on time? HOW or WHEN do you begin teaching a child that you aren't there to do everything in the world for them? granted, she is 7 years old, but doesn't it just get harder on them the older they get? the more you do for them, the harder it will be to stop doing things for them, right? i think that is how it will be.... heck, i'm 26 years old and still run to my mom for things i know she can help me with.... she rescues me when i need to be rescued.... i'm not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing.... good for me (at the time) but bad for me (really?) i don't know.... i haven't figured it out yet.... but i am sure more appreciative than i can ever show.... for sure.

sooo.... i try explaining to taylor, again, because i just did the other day, that a parent's job is to teach their children to be successful without them.... teach them to tie their shoes, to pick up after themselves, teach them manners, teach them to read and write, and to be INDEPENDENT!!!! i don't know how else to stress the importance of time to taylor.... i can do everything for her and she'll be ready on time.... but what does that teach her? that i'll always be there to wipe her butt and get the job done... no! that's not what i want to teach her.... instead i'd rather teach her to plan her time better.... (who am i kidding? i need my own teacher to teach me how to plan MY time better).... but i can still try this with her right? so maybe instead of getting up at 6 am, she needs to get up at 545.... maybe that extra 15 minutes will give her the added time she needs.... otherwise, she needs to pick it up a notch and get ready ON TIME!!!

so anyway, needless to say, Taylor gets to school, a few minutes late, but she's there none the less. I walked her into the office for a late slip, just because i could feel the butterflies in her stomach of having to walk in to her classroom late.... while everyone else is probably already seated. I didn't want her teacher to think that i just dumped her off at school nearly 8 minutes late and just left her to go to class.... LATE.... so anyway, getting the late pass wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. I immediately felt like IIIII was late for school. what excuse could i use?

"her brother threw up all over everything right as we were walking out the door..."

nooo, that didn't sound good enough.

"there was traffic on the way."

laaaaaaame!

"our car broke down, and we walked the rest of the way."

pssssh!

"we.... couldn't find the keys...."

oh heck! why was i trying to make up excuses? all that would do was teach taylor to lie....

so we walked in to the office and, of course, it's her principal who is at the front desk.

"good morning. we are late this morning."

and to my surprise, Mrs Principal says, "awww okay. just fill this slip out."

really?

that's it?

you're not even gonna ask why?

SWEEEEET! cuz i was prepared to just say "we were just running late."

but i didn't have to.

phewf!

so off to class she went.

I'm checking the clock in the truck to see when it's a little after 8 so i can call my dr's office and try to squeeze in there before i have to go to my dentist appt at 1030, which by the way was in the complete opposite direction.

so i get an appointment, almost immediately, but still have enough time to grab a starbucks and run home for the stroller.... as i'm driving home from starbucks to get the stroller, I decide to take a slightly different route, thinking that it will get me there quicker....

i go to make a left hand turn and BAM! traffic stops. all the traffic merges into ONE lane, while they are "preparing" to gut the street and lay some new asphalt or whatever they were going to do.... i couldn't help but to see about 16 trucks parked along the side of the street and all the men standing outside the trucks just STANDING THERE!!!! they were just socializing, laughing, waving their arms around as if they were telling a really exciting story about the weekend and watching the pro-bowl and how crazy their wives were.... or whatever they were really talking about.... part of me felt sooo irritated that alllll these lanes were blocked off while NO WORK was actually taking place, but there were a few lanes for these guys to mingle and tell stories about whatever.... then the other, less selfish side of me thought, "at least they're happy. they could be standing there with their arms crossed, hating life... but then in that case, they'd be more like me, which at this point, i wouldn't have wished upon anyone else." well maybe i would have, just so i didn't have to be miserable alone. no not really. so i keep staring at the clock.... why did it feel like minutes were passing, but i wasn't moving but maybe an inch every few minutes.... i felt like i was literally going to be on that same street by the time my appointment came and went..... but, thankfully a few minutes later, I was in my driveway and getting the stroller and heading to the dr's office.

i get there, sign in and sit down..... and i smell something. it smells like.... *sniff sniff* POOP! greaaaaaattttt!!!! Lewie just pooped. "Ashley King." they called me back. sorry Lew. poop's gotta wait. so we're in the room, dr comes in and pulls out the old packing, and decides he still has to repack it again.... repacks it. Lewie's fussing.... his assistsnt (which is an entirely different person than the girl who has been helping us the past few weeks), comes in a while later to help "wrap" up the incision. she had absolutely NO idea what she was doing... i told her the supplies we use to wrap it. told her exactly what we used and how we did it. she leaves the room (for the 2nd time, mind you) and STILL comes back with the wrong supplies. i tell her AGAIN what we use and decided to wait until she came back with the CORRECT supplies before i'd tell her how we wrapped it. maybe then, she'd at least get the supplies right. so she comes back, (still not the right stuff) but i don't even care at this point. i'll MAKE those supplies work!!!! i begin getting the stuff ready to put on myself, and she tries to help. but starts putting the wrap OVER my bra strap and tanktop after i REPEATEDLY told her that it must go UNDER them, otherwise i'd be stuck in my clothes.... so she SERIOUSLY tapes me up after having "trapped" me in my own clothes when i ask her to just cut it all off.... i said "just give me the supplies and i'll have my husband help me tonight." i'm not even joking, she put about TEN pieces of tape onto the gauze AFTER i told her how sensitive my skin was.... the dr comes in and tells her that i can't have that much tape on me, and to look at how red my skin was already becoming.... doh! i wanted to just leave. i seriously taped whatever wannabe gauze pads she brought in under my arm and left. (and i'm usually pretty patient, but could feel it slipping through my hands like grains of sand.... yes, seriously.)

UGH!

so i leave there and head over to the dentist as now my appt is approaching.... i am driving down the freeway, when i suddenly realize the directions i have didn't tell me how to get to the place once i get off the freeway. the last of the directions just told me to "continue on the I-5 south" that's it. really?! what kind of directions are those? so i try calling the dentist office once..... twice.... three times.... got the voicemail all three times.... i got off the freeway and looked at the building numbers and figured i'd go in the direction that was closer to the numbers i needed. that oughta get me there.... and sure enough, after cutting over 2 lanes and at the very last minute, i'd arrived at my final destination.... the dentist.... i got lewie (who was sleeping by the way) into his stroller and headed for the door... only, there wasn't a door. there were about 20 steps and no handicapped or disabled ramp that i could see.... WHAT?! i briefly thought about turning his stroller around and going up the steps backwards, a step at a time, but figured it would take me far too long, and quickly decided against that BRILLIANT idea. there HAD to be a stupid ramp somewhere, so i walked all the way around the building and finally found a (stupid) ramp. got into the office (cramped and HOT) and the lady says, "you must be ashley king. we tried calling you because the insurance number we have written down is an invalid number. there is an incorrect amount of digits given to us." i said "well whatever number i gave you should have worked, because it worked for my daughter's dentist. let's make sure our numbers match." of course they didn't. whoever wrote the number down, wrote an extra number down, and therefore they weren't able to verify the insurance and they didn't know how much it was going to cost and so they had to do all this verification before i'd even step foot into the x-ray chair. i was NOT going to pay for those xrays out of pocket. sorry! not me! it was actually verified rather quickly and i was getting the xrays done before i knew it. they did "full mouth" xrays and gagged me for about 15 minutes.... seriously took like 20 pictures. i asked "are my teeth falling out or something?" she laughed and said "noooo... not at all." i said "then why all the xrays?" i guess that's standard, but i can't ever remember "standard" being 15 minutes of stinkin, gagging xrays. i was at the dentist's office for 2 hours when i finally said, "okay. i'm done for today." i've never tapped out at a dentist, but today.... today i did.... everything seemed to be moving in slow motion except for lewie and my mind.... lewie was fussy and had pooped again. i could smell it. he was fussy, and antsy and well the dentist just wasn't too thrilled to have a fussy baby there. he looked so irritated. i said, "i'll just come back another time to have it finished. my jaw is locked sideways and i can't hold it open anymore." my wisdom teeth NEED to come out and they NEED to come out like PRONTO.... great!!! another school setback.... that's all i need. 3 of the 4 have to come out. the 4th is small enough that they think it's fine if it stays, but we'll see what the oral surgeon thinks. soooo i'm going for that on thursday.... (the consult, not the actual surgery) the dentist thinks that i need to have my wisdom teeth out before i finish having my teeth cleaned, because they were the reason my jaw was bothering me.

so out will come the wisdom teeth, clean the rest and then fill the cavities. yes, i have cavities by the way. that was the other wonderful news i had yesterday. i could go ahead and thank my wisdom teeth for those suckers.... so THANKS wisdom teeth.... dentist said there's no decay, but the wisdom teeth NEEDED to come out. i think i got it the first time. i think i actually got the point when the wisdom teeth flared up and hurt like heck!!! but mental note saved. thanks dr dentist.

i left.

miserably, i left.

i haven't had cavities since i was a little kid. i felt like a little kid all over again.

so as i'm driving home, i feel a big wave of emotions come over me....

suddenly i hate everything about my life and it just felt like the end of the world....

poor jason....

yep. he caught the backlash of all that....

i send him a text message and he calls me and i'm crying, and he feels helpless and we needed to get a plan together for me, like immediately, because it felt that urgent....

and could it have waited?

.....

maybe....

but likely not....

i told him, there wasn't anything he could fix, even though i know he wanted to.... he couldn't....

i needed a plan and i just wanted him to stand by me through my plan....

taking the online classes is enjoyable for me, but i hardly have the time to do the required work and studying that is necessary to complete the courses....

pity party of 1 please....

suddenly, everything was the end of the world.

i was a horrible parent.

i was fat.

i was blind.

i should just get dentures.

and probably even be euthanized....

it was that bad....

a few hours later,

it wasn't that bad....

there was a list of things i wanted.... but the euthanization wasn't one of them....

i wondered, if jason really knew what a day of staying at home was really like....

behind the scenes.... does anyone know what it's REALLY like staying at home?

maybe it's just me....

maybe it's just me and my hating to be stagnant for too long....

change was needed.

change IS needed.

speaking of change.....

Your Signature and Life Story please....

so for those of you who know my daughter, know that she :

1. believes in the tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny, etc.

2. loves to write.

3. is nosy (i have no idea where she got it from either) ;)

4. is beyond smart.

and, well, i'm sure there's more, but that's about all you'll need to know for this story....

so.... last night, Taylor gets a paper plate, puts 2 cookies on them. pours a small glass of milk. writes a letter to Santa. also, she leaves him a "helping hand" award. she made him this award.

For those of you who can't read it, it says: TO Santa FROM Taylor Diaz, Helping Hand. Thank you For all your hard work! Keep up the good work! (and there is a picture of a thumbs up on it)

She also includes this letter to santa:

IT reads:

"Dear Santa

I've had a great year. Please try to get my friend Nicolette to beleive in you. If you get to eat these cookies please sighn your name on the line.

___________________

Please tell me a little bit about your life. If you don't want to or it's a secret it's okay."

Anyway.... we wake up this morning.... only to find the cookies? eaten. gone. milk glass? empty. note? award?.... gone. my laptop? sitting on the table where the note was.... moved from its normal resting place next to the tv.... it was "hibernating" and only needed a little click of the spacebar or mouse to wake up.... Taylor was confused. her note was gone, but my computer was there. so we "woke it up," and found this on our screen. my text edit open (Apple's version of notepad)....

Dearest Taylor,

You have been such a good girl all year. I have watched you move to a new school and treat your new classmates with such care. I have watched you do so well in school and work so hard. I have watched you welcome a new baby brother into this world with such patience, and such a loving heart. I have watched you help your daddy and mommy, and I've watched you treat your family so kind. You are a very good girl, with a very gentle heart. I am sorry your friends at school do not believe in me. You don't have to try to convince them that I am real. As long as you believe, I will visit you. As long as you believe, your heart stays young. Never stop dreaming, Taylor. You are a very bright girl. I hope you enjoy your toys this year. Something tells me, you will have many presents from many people. Let's work on keeping your room cleaner this year, so that next year there will be room for more presents!

My life is a very busy life. It is a very cold one too! Christmas Eve is my busiest night of all, when I must visit all of the good children's homes! When I come home, Mrs. Claus is waiting with a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows and the fire is burning in the fireplace. Forgive me for moving your couch a bit. It was a bit difficult to get in through there. I think your Dad and Mom will understand why it's a bit out of place.

Keep up all your hard work (and tell your Dad and Mom to give you a better pen to write with next time. That pen didn't work.) I took your note with me so that I could show Mrs. Claus.

I hope your Dad and Mom aren't too upset that I used their computer. Please tell them to save this letter for you somehow.

I enjoyed your cookies very much, and was very thankful you left milk. Some kids don't leave milk, and it makes it very difficult to wash the cookies down. I ate one and will share the other with the reindeer. I hope I didn't wake you tonight.

Never forget the reason for today's celebration.

Dream Big, Sweet Taylor.

HO HO HO!

Until next year,

Saint Nicholas

P.S. Your dog is very kind too. Good thing she didn't bark and wake you.

So Taylor, was SO excited! She beamed and exclaimed, "i KNEW there was a Santa, Mom! you need to save this letter or print it, and i can show my friends that there really is a santa!"

Oh, Sweet Taylor.... my life will never get old with you in it.... =)

Taylor's Winter Celebration Party....

Taylor and her buddy Nicolette making the picture magnets....

Taylor and her best buddy Nicolette. =)

Aaaaand then.... Lewie decided he'd had enough of the winter celebration party and that it was time to go.... anywhere but there....

they had craft tables set up in a bunch of different sections. they were decorating candy canes, making magnets, making picture ornaments, decorated cookies and cupcakes.... it was adorable! =) wish i could've stayed for more pictures, but i can't stand (or sit) for too long.... so this was our maxed out time....

this was her "treat" plate. =) (notice the devoured top of her cupcake)

and this is probably my favorite.... the ornament she made for me. =) i added the year on it and wrote on the back.... it's still drying, but will be on our tree very soon.

Merry Christmas (and a happy 2 weeks off for her!!!)

the innocence of a child.... my Taylor Girl....

so i snuck into taylor's room to read the letter she left for the toothfairy, before i went to bed. i didn't get to read it while she was awake with her.... this is absolutely, hands down, the cutest thing i've ever read in my life!

one piece of paper reads:

"To Tooth fairy

From Taylor Diaz

PLEASE WRITE BACK! PLEASE WRITE BACK!

P.S. you visited me on Saturday.

Happy Tooth fairy day to you.

flip over and read."

so i flip it over.... and it reads:

"This is my sixth tooth I lost. Please give me at least 4 dollars. Please. If your running short on money because kids are loseing lots of teeth then three dollors. I love to lose teeth, but at night I want to see you. I want a pet cat. Can you please tell Santa Clause?"

on another piece of paper, a 2nd note reads....

"Tooth is in the pink chest. What color are you? flip over. more questions."

so i flipped it over and it says:

"top? pants? shoes? wand? hair?"

WOW! i'm half laughing, half crying.... THESE ARE THE MOMENTS I LIVE FOR!!!!!!!!! the innocence of a child is enough to live for. it really makes you want to do wonderful things in your lifetime.... MAN oh man!!!!

I am so blessed to have this girl.....

my Taylor Girl....