one of those topics.... those touchy topics....

i tossed the idea around about this blog, and after reading a WONDERFUL woman's blog that I follow, i decided i was going to do it....

I've got to tell you....

last night.... was just eye opening....

The night before last i had a boatload of chocolate before i went to bed, and had nightmares.

i did everything in my power to not have nightmares last night, so i drank a bunch of water, and had NO chocolate. none.

well, i had nightmares.

horrible HORRIBLE nightmares.

i woke up at 337 am this morning in tears.

i was scared out of my mind.

you're totally going to laugh at me, but i sleep with a nightlight in our master bathroom.

i do that so i can somewhat see, and for when i wake up at night to go to the bathroom, i don't want to run into the edge of the dresser going into the bathroom (i've totally done it before)....

don't forget, i'm legally blind, so without my glasses and contacts on at night, i see things.... jason's clump of 6 white hanging shirts in the closet, looks like a floating ghost.

the light from the living room window, shines onto the floor in the master bedroom and i swear it moves, which makes me think that something is crawling across the floor.... but it's just my legally blind self and my warped brain creating images out of stuff, HOWEVER, i do sleep with my glasses on the edge of the bed (the ledge) and i can reach over and put them on quickly if ever i think i see something.... i put the glasses on to see what it is NOT.... and then i feel better, take them off and go back to bed. i know that sounds entirely pathetic, and you all probably think i'm a freakin paranoid schizophrenic.... i'm not.... most of the time.... until something like last night happens....

i had the most AWFUL dream about my daughter, Taylor..... I HATE to even THINK about something like this because it just turns my stomach.... i am SOOOOO deathly paranoid of anyone kidnapping her, or doing anything inappropriate to her.... i've had dreams like this before, and i wake up, literally, crying. jason has woken me up sometimes because i'll be crying in my sleep.... well this morning, i woke up. i turned on the bathroom light (in our bedroom), then walked into the hall and turned that light on.... then i walked into the living room and turned that light on.... i fixed the curtains so that no one could see in and turned on all the outside lights we have.... i went straight for taylor's room, and turned on the light outside her room.... i adjusted her curtains so that no one could see in and then just sat at the edge of her bed....

i ran my fingers through her short hair, and my eyes, again, filled up with tears.... she was sleeping so peacefully.... she wasn't how i'd seen her in my nightmare.... she was sleeping like a sweet angel... a peaceful angel.... and i just wept at her bedside. and i KNOW that sounds sooooo absolutely pathetic, but it was truly a wake up call....

i've been complaining so much about how my kids drive me UP the freakin wall (well, lewie moreso than Taylor, but still).... I just kissed her head and gave thanks that she was alive and well.... i checked on Lewie, and he was fine, and i went back to our bedroom, leaving all of the outside lights on and our bathroom light on....

then i couldn't sleep.

i tapped jason, (who was totally snoring) and seriously asked him if he would just hold me....

he asked me what was wrong and i'd told him i was having nightmares again and he rolled over and just snuggled me into a comfort i just absolutely needed at that moment.... i felt safe.... but my mind wouldn't shut off there....

i started thinking about what parents teach their children about strangers. i'm so friendly to everyone i meet. i can strike up a conversation with anyone and taylor sees this. she is the same way. and as much as i love it, it scares me.... i don't want her to be so friendly with the wrong person that something ends up happening to her.... i don't want her to just trust anyone and everyone, but i don't want to make her paranoid either....

what is the right age to start talking to your children about who to talk to and who not to? who is allowed to touch you (NO ONE!) and who isn't.... i remember starting this conversation with her when she was about 2 years old.... and i've ALWAYS ALWAYS reminded her.... with age comes different ways to reiterate the same message.... and i think it's terribly important that, we, as parents do this! It's uncomfortable, i get it.... it's difficult and we don't know if we're doing it "right" and so we might just put it off... DON'T!!!!

i've covered almost as many aspects and different scenarios as i can possibly cover with taylor.... you hear of all different stories on the news and read about them on the internet.... "man lures child with a puppy" or crazy stuff like that!!! stuff you wouldn't even think about, because you, yourself aren't capable of commiting such a horrific crime!!! but these people, these SICKENING beings exist!!!!

we used to live right across the street from taylor's school. literally it took about 3 minutes to get there, walking, it was that close. so many of her friends walked to school. but i wouldn't let her.... i'm sorry. call me overprotective.... those who know me in real life, know that taylor's not entirely overprotected, BUT i am not one to gamble.... especially with my daughter's well being... there is NO way i was going to take the chance.... i get it.... kids used to be able to do so much more on their own. go to the park, ride bikes to the store, walk to school, walk to a friend's house.... maybe there are more predators today than before? maybe there are the same amount, but we just know about it more via the news and internet and all that stuff?? i don't know. i don't know what it is.... i know that i cannot protect taylor for the rest of her life, but at 7 years of age, i am not willing to hand over the responsibility of her own life's safety and well being.... sure, she can get up and pick out her clothes and get her breakfast and pack her lunch, but that's entirely different than saying, "okay go walk to school and if anyone tries to kidnap you, defend yourself."

this is probably one of those controversial topics, like politics or abortion, and i'm sure there will be many people with many different views.... i'm open to hearing them all, i really am.... like Stacey says in her blog entry "cheerleader," it takes a village.... but we, as their parents, are the ones who ultimately end up making the decision in the end....