low down dirty shame.

So I lie here restless.... This isn't really like me these days, as I'm usually utterly exhausted.... Lewie goes to sleep and I find myseld SUPER exhausted and falling asleep right behind him.... It's awesome. He's been sleeping a lot better and longer and I love it.

Tonight, there aren't the usual LOUD Harley sounds coming from our patio (okay across from our patio, but it sounds like it's RIGHT there).... There isn't the sound of Lewie's horrific high pitch scream ringing in my ears.... There's the soft snores coming from both boys ( mostly jason) and the thumping of some la musica from my neighbor.... Maybe it's their payback for all the time my screaming son has kept them awake.... *sigh*....

I'm irritated right now.... HIGHLY irritated right now. So irritated that I actually had to get out of bed and go into the living room and turn on the tv because, otherwise, I probably would have woken Jason up with my grumbles of irritation.... I probably would have carried on a meaningless irritable conversation that would probably go something like this;
Ashley: *complaining*
Jason: *tries to fix problem*
Ashley: *grumbles and starts complaining about something else*
Jason: *offers solution to problem #2*
Ashley: *finds excuses as to why that solution won't work*.... *pauses*.... *starts grumbling about problem number 3, 4 and 7*.... *then goes back to complain about 5 and 6*.... *and 8 and 9*....
Jason: *dozing off*
Ashley: *begins complaining that he's falling asleep*...

Yeah. That's probably how tonight would have ended up if I didn't excuse myself from my overly exhausted bedroom full of sleeping individuals....

*sigh*.... So I'll sit here and grumble to myself.... You don't have to read this you know....

I think I'm just extremely hormonal or something because I can burst into tears at any given moment about anything or nothing at all.... I'm not gonna lie, I feel disgusting.... And that may very well contribute to my not so pleasant moods.

That leads me into my low down dirty shame. Can I just burn all my clothing so that I am not reminded of how these formfitting clothes used to fit a completely different figure?

In the time that I've had off from work, I've had a lot of time to self-reflect.... A LOT of time to self-reflect.... You know.... I've realized something so incredibly major and lifechanging.... You never realize how controlling you are, until you begin giving up some of your control....!!!! This has been a mutual compromise within our relationship. Here are two incredibly loving, caring, controlling, yet pleasing people who both love each other more than anything, but are so stuck in their ways.... But also want to change themselves for the better.... It's a work in progress.... A long one. A fun one. An interesting one, and a SUPER loving one.

I think laughter is absolutely one of the key ingredients to an amazingly healthy relationship. (Not that I'm some key expert on marriage or anything) but it's what definitely keeps the marriage fun and lighthearted....

Jason and I began going to church last year together and hadn't really gone much once I couldn't walk anymore (and it was a while before I got my wheelchair, and by then I was absolutely miserable).... Those of you who are familiar with our church know about how long it takes to get from your vehicle up into church, especially when you can't walk!!!! So I'd watch the sermons from my computer. But they just weren't the same. I didn't have my notes with me and it just didn't feel the same. I felt like we lost sight of the path we were both so strong on together. I know that the very moment we both set foot in church again together, that strength will most certainly bond that feeling again instantly!!!! (I don't know if that even made any sense) what I'm trying to say is that, I am not saying we lost our faith by any means, I'm just saying that we lost our concentration and dedication and happiness to something we were BOTH beginning to learn so much about. I've been afraid to speak about something I didn't know too much about.... I don't like to be questioned, or challenged, or not have any idea what someone is talking about.... But I know that religion is a lifelong learning experience.... I have a lot of faith and excitement for all the many things to come soon....

Wow. My mind is in 15000 different places right now, so I should probably rest it on my expensive pillow (thank you love) ....

I'd like to repost some optimism after this negativity.... I do look forward to keeping you updated with some fantastic news very soon! Keep us all in your prayers, PLEASE! Pray that I don't go INSANE anytime soon!!!! =)

For now, I'll leave with great hopes that everyone has a wonderful week!!!!

Here's to losing some weight soon!!!! Good night!